Unable to Leave Baby

I think it's a good thing. Enjoy her while you can. I had the same thing with my daughter. I finally let my parent's watch her for a weekend when she was six months old besides I hated pumping and I was breast feeding. At six months she could take formula and come right back to the breast.

K....is that you?? It's me, J. T. For some reason I just know it's you. Call me - ###-###-####. Miss you, JT

This was me, until my son was 2. I never wanted to leave him, wherever i went he did too. I think back now and I wouldnt change it for the world, it goes by way to fast. But i would break away...even if its when shes sleeping and get some mommy time, It really does help to get away even though you dont realize it.
I now have a 7 month old, and have learned to get away a little bit and leave him at home with dad.

Motherhood is very wonderful unique experience. I personally think that if you have bonded with your baby that strongly, why not encourage that? People have weird ideas about motherhood. At this age, you have a very intimate relationship with that new little bundle. CHERISH IT! It doesn't last that long. As time goes on, you will be able to relinquish control to others, but as for now, ENJOY IT! Don't let anyone steal it from you!

K.,
I know it is hard for you but please for your own sake and sanity you must start letting go a bit.
I suggest if you can't leave her alone, leave the room as a start, take a shower while your husband watches her or a bath. Take a brisk walk around the block, take baby steps but take them.
Trust me you will only be hurting you and the baby as she gets older. I am the middle of 9 and when my baby sister was born my mother coddled her, she was her world, nothing else mattered. By the time my sister went to kindergarten she was a mess. Mom would walk her to school, and wasn't home for 1 minute and the school was calling because my sister wanted mommy, she was screaming out of control, this went on for weeks. My sister didn't understand what was happening, my mother was the one that created the mess. Please don't get me wrong she paid attention to the rest of us, but the baby who was the only one home was her world. It got pretty bad, but thank God we got through it, the sister is still really "spoiled" in my humble opinion but is now dealing with a daughter that she pretty much did the same thing with.
Please do something for you and your daughter and husband. It is alright to feel this way, but you also must release.
Let me pass this your way. How will you feel if you have something happen and you end up having to go to the hospital, and your daughter needs to be cared by someone else? Not only will you worry yourself sick, but just think what you are putting the baby through having to stay with "strangers".
A well balanced child has a lot of people in her/his life.
As a nanny I can tell you that children "need" to have others as well as mommy, and trust me you will always be "the most important person in her life" let daddy become that as well.

K.,

As I read your post, I felt like I was looking into a mirror of myself almost 12 years ago. My son was born 3 weeks early and while I thought I might go back to work...as soon as I held him I knew that I wanted to stay home. I was suprised by the fierceness of my feelings. At first it was just a relief and a rest to stay home but soon I found myself not showering unless he was sleeping in a bouncer or basinette in the bathroom with me. Even when my husband was home I didn't want to leave the baby with him in case something came up that he couldn't handle.

While this seemed natural, in many ways it really was unhealthy for baby, for daddy and most of all for me. I lost myself totally and only identified as a mother. Noble but I am also a wife, a daughter, a sister and a unique individual with many talents.

I was very fortunate to have an awesome support system. My mom and sisters gently encouraged me to leave my son for very short periods with my husband. We shared a duplex with my mom and sisters so I started by leaving daddy and baby at home and visited next door for a cup of coffee for 10-15 minutes. The first several times made me ill. I thought I was going to throw up and my arms felt so empty...my body felt so empty. My family helped me through the anxiety without any judgement. I eventually worked up to grocery trips alone but he was almost a year old before I left him overnight with my husband. It was the hardest, best thing that I ever did! But I cried all the way to the retreat and most of the time I was there.

Today, 12 years later, my husband and I have a strong relationship. He is completely involved with all 5 of our children and has a strong relationship with each one. I am able to fully be me...mom, wife, daughter, sister and practice my talents and unique ablities in my business that I own.

I hope this encourages you and helps you to form a plan to fully be the best mom you can be by fully being yourself. If you don't have a great support system, don't hesitate to seek counseling. It will be the best thing that you can do for your child.

K.--
I have read all the other comments, and so many moms out there have given you wonderful advice!

The one thing that concerned me the most is that you mentioned you feel "completely consumed with motherhood almost to the point where I barely care what I look like anymore...." That could be a signal of something beyond just enjoying motherhood. Have you contacted your doctor or naturopath about these feelings? It might actually be a type of post-partum depression/anxiety.

As much as you love your baby, taking care of yourself is JUST as important as taking care of her! She needs a mentally healthy mom to help her learn the ways of the world--and that world includes OTHERS too, not just you. If you as you said, "secretly do not do any of these things because I really just do not want to be away from her AT ALL", that is a little bit extreme.

Your husband loves the both of you and is probably more concerned than he is letting on, hoping you will eventually start letting go. Get a sitter and enjoy a romantic father's day lunch with him or something!

You are lucky to have access to people (grandparents) who want to come by and help. Our daughter's grandparents are all in other states (way far away) so we are really on our own, but would love that opportunity!

I do have this feeling and I try strong to suppress it. I have to remind myself that my hubby is a wonderful father and my family loves my baby. I then go ahead and take a break. He needs to know how to comunicate with her and understand her personality. I want everyone in my family to bond with the baby too. I also am her sole source of food so I do get more time with her than anyone else. If, later down the road, I can't be with her for some reason, she needs attachment with others who will be entrusted with her care.

[smile] I think it is TOTALLY normal. With my first son, I wanted nothing more than to just sit and stare at him because he filled me with such love.

I will give you the advice that my mother gave me, though, because it really did open my eyes and give me a bit of a jolt: "If you want to continue to be the best mother, you have to work to create the best FAMILY. This means you have to remember you are not just a mother. You are also a wife and you need to make sure you stay plugged in to the relationship with your husband. Your husband might never cheat on you or divorce you, but if he's unhappy and neglected in the marriage you will be hurting the entire family."

You don't necessarily have to LEAVE your baby. But even if you feel as though don't care what you look like, I think you should doll yourself up for your hubby. Men (as my hubby reminds me) are easy to make happy - a little love and attention lavished on him while the baby is sleeping and my guess is that he'll be thrilled.

It is unhealthy, if you keep this up your child will be too dependant on you. Go out, relax, spend some time for yourself, this will protect you from burn-out. Then when you get home, give her love and snuggles and be the best mom you can be. You will ultimately be better for taking time off, and being the best mom is really important to you.
Being a great mom should be as important to many moms.
Keep enjoying being a mom!

Hi K.,
I had the same feelings with all 3 of my kids. Just remember that your baby is new for you too! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave her yet. 4 months is still very much a little baby and if you don't want to leave her then don't. It will get easier as time goes on but for now, just enjoy your time with her. If other people want to spend time with the baby, then they can do it with you there. When the time comes that you do leave her for a little bit, just remember that she is with people who love her too and she is safe. Congrats on your new baby!!

It is great you love being a mom and love being with your daughter. It is natural to feel this way. It is also natural for others to want to be with her too.
Some of being a first time mom is the feeling that nobody can know how to take care of your baby but you. You know her moods, her cries, her schedule, her diapers, her sleeping sounds and all the right things to do for her. Only problem is... what if there is illness or injury and you can't care for her for a time? Both of you need to be able to function in/with someone elses care. If she never spends time with Daddy or Grandparents then it will be major trauma for her/them/you, when you have to put her in their loving care. Start now. It should NEVER be a bad thing to leave kids with their Daddy;Daddy's are the best! If these are good people you want her to have strong relationships with then start as early as possible. Those strong connections will only serve to make her a more confident and well rounded kid. You won't loose relationship with her as you both have plenty of room in your life for loving others. You will learn to trust them and thus your relationship will also grow with them. This is a win/win situation. A loose/loose path is the one you are starting down now by keeping her sooooo close. If you start now she will learn to feel secure with the fact that you will always come back and that she is safe with her family. You don't want a kid who completely looses it when it is time for Mommy and Daddy to go out on a date! The date will be short, and miserable...if you can pull yourself away in the first place. These other people are aching to spend time with her too, please try to share.
It gets easier after the first child to share. ;-)
side note: Be sure you don't forget about hubby...he was your first love and there before the baby and, with some hard work, he will be there long after they leave home.

Enjoy every precious second. Fill your eyes with her every day. When I look at my 6'5" 15 year old boy, I cannot believe how fast time went. And I am so glad that I was able to be there, the way you are. Let the separation process come naturally. And when it does, you won't have any regrets that you should have spent more time witnessing the miracle that is your child.

K.,

I know how you feel not wanting to leave your little one. It is hard because you want to see their every move and any new thing they do you want to be there for. However you nailed it on the head. It is unhealthy. You do need to get away and have some time for yourself whether it is to care what you look like, get a massage, whatever it may be. You may get to a point later on where you resent her or anyone because you don't have that time for you anymore. Plus, what happens later on when you do need to get away or for whatever reason you have to be away from her. She will not know anyone but you or will be uneasy for someone else. It won't be a pretty site. Kids need to learn to be seperated from their parents or it could hurt them as they grow up, go to school, etc. It is hard to let go but that is part of us growing too. I hope this helps you. Good luck and congrats on being a mommy.

C.

Definately get her used to having other people care for her. There is nothing wrong with loving being a mom, but don't forget to care for yourself too. It's not healthy for either of you to be so attached that you can't stand being away from one another. Besides, knowing that she's with others who love her will help build her social skills. Another thought is to remember that your husband probably wishes you took a little time to make yourself appealing to him to. Maybe he secretly misses you? (I say all of this, because I experienced a similar situation with my son and the doctor said that I don't want to encourage the development of attachment syndrome).

I know you got a lot of responses, and I am not sure if this is a repeat, but here it is. I did not want to leave my son at all. I just wanted to take care of him all the time, but then I realized that I had to take a step back and allow his father to be a Dad. If Dad never has any quality alone time with the new baby, he can feel like he is less of a parent. He needs time to get comfortable caring for the infant on his own, and the baby must have this time to learn that there is someone else to depend on just like Mommy.

I am a mother of a 14 month old boy and I feel the SAME WAY YOU DO!!!! I have only left him once for 3 hours.. a few trips to the market at about 30 min a time.. but no big outting. I have been thinking about my husband and I going out on a "date" for Fathers day... but dreading it so much that I am leaving it to the last min hoping that my dear friend will be unable to do it. He loves everyone and hasn't any fear of people.. I say it is because he knows that mama will always be there... I felt the same way about the way I looked too... until I found this great site that has make up for a $1 an item.. so I've been having a bit of fun with that while he is busy playing with his toys.. it has made me feel better about me.. but I still can not leave him.. I worry too much.. not that I don't trust other people.. I just invision all these things happening to him unless I am in the same room with him. My sister thinks it could be a control issue (which I've never had before) but I think it may be some sort of weird postpartum depression coming out.. however I am sooo happy when I am with him. Well I thought I would share with you that you aren't in the dark!! And if you want that site with the cheap but GREAT makeup message me.. I am not a seller; just had fun when I got a bunch of stuff and the one item that I didn't like when I got it wasn't a bummer cause I was only out a dollar! Take care and keep loving your little one!!!

Hi K.,
Don't rush it, your baby is only 4 months old. My daughter is now 23 and I still remember when she was an infant. I think she was about 3-4 months the first time I went to the store by myself (almost sounds like a little kid doesn't it?) The first time I went to the store, I ran in and out, I was just too nervous. I slowly realized that I really didn't know any more than my husband, we're both learning, he loved her as much as I did, and just like me wouldn't want anything to happen to her.

Try letting Dad be with his daughter while you sit outside for a bit and read one chapter in a book, don't go inside until you finish. The next time go to the coffee shop, meet a friend and have a cup of coffee. Get the massage, go to a movie. Let your grandparents be with her, they will be such a gift to you and her. Slowly you will begin to realize that the world won't stop if you aren't with your daughter. ^j^

You really do need time to yourself, it will make you a much better Mom, wife and friend.

This feeling will pass, trust me. E.

That was totally me! (Now that we're in the "terrible two's" not so much! :)) and yes, I totally "let myself go", there were many days I didn;t even brush my hair 'cause I just didn't care. I think it is completely normal. No, not everyone feels like that, but lots of us have. And if you don;t feel like leaving your baby then don't! "You" time is supposed to be for you if you want and need it, but if you don't feel that you do, then don;t worry about it. However, if she's leaving for college and you feel like you want to move into her dorm room, then maybe you should rethink that. :)

Enjoy every minute with your angel- it goes quickly!

When you're ready for some "me" time, you'll know it. I have a 2 and 5 year old and I still don't do things I should do if it takes any time away from them at all. Of course, I work full time, and feel I spend way too much time away from them as it is. My "me" time is after they go to bed. However, I still find myself keeping my 2 year old up to sit with me. My 5 year old has to go to bed by 8 or 8:30 on school nights, otherwise I let him stay up as well.
I absolutely refuse to take any vacation without them; I want to include them in everything to the point of insanity. I recently went on a 4 day business trip and could not bare to leave them behind. I lugged 2 HUGE suitcases full of work stuff, 1 suitcase for personal belongings, 2 kids (2 & 5) and 2 car seats - all by myself. People thought I was absolutely nuts, and bent over backwards to help me. While they were saying, "Wow, you're brave, they were really thinking, "Either you're incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid." I survived, but probably will not do it again, if I have to take so much with me.
I look at it this way - they'll grow up and leave soon enough. For now, I'm spending every moment with them that I possibly can. You hear it all the time - how fast they grow. I'll have plenty of time for myself when they're grown and gone.
However, if you find your health is suffering - you're not making it to Doctor appointments, dental appointments, etc. - Rethink this. It won't do anyone any good if your health suffers.
In the meantime, enjoy that baby!

Hi K..
I don't think there is anything "abnormal" about it - but I do think that her Grandparents would probably very much like to have some one on one w/ their grandchild w/o you peaking over their shoulders. :) And it is also important for a child that is fortunate enough to have both parents to get one one one time with BOTH parents not just Mommy.
It is also VERY important to take time for yourself - even just an hour a couple of times a week. That time is very important for you. It's great that you are so content being a Mommy but you don't want to lose your whole sense of self at the same time.
Also - are you and your husband taking time together? To be sure you are staying connected in your relationship?

Just my two cents...

I do think it's wonderful you are so happy - but be sure to take care of all of you.

First of congratulations on your newest addition to your family. You sound compleatly happy!!! Second give your husband a pat on the back for being so considerate and actually wanting you to have a break. (mine won't give me five min. for a shower without my newest daughter).

But as for not wanting to leave your first baby, I felt the same with my son. My firstborn. That one is just a little more "special" (In its own way). I could not stop looking at him, holding him and not wanting ANYONE else to do ANYTHING for him. I think it is perfectly natural to want to be with your first new baby all the time. I also believe that over time you WILL want to take small breaks. And you will want to give your baby some time from "Mommy", or when you really need to leave her with...say a sitter, or work you will have a very tough time and so will she.
But for now enjoy your new love.

It's absolutely normal for you to not want to leave your baby! It shows that your hormones are working beautifully and you are wonderfully attached to her. There is no good reason for you to leave her ever at this age. She will grow before you know it and on her own time will spend more and more time with other people. The natural order of things is for babies to be totally with and carried by their mamas until they start to crawl away, with mama right there close by so they can crawl back to her when they need her. And your feelings will change too, so that you will be ready to leave her more as she gets older. The more security she has now with you, the more she will safe to explore the world, including other people. I would recommend, though, maybe finding a mom's group or mama-baby class that you could go to and spend time with other adults too. And, as she grows older, if you do find that you aren't wanting to let her go when she shows signs of wanting to explore the world, maybe you will need to look at that, then. And pay attention to your feelings of "obsessing," and trust yourself to know if you really are out of bablance. But what you are experiencing now is absolutely normal and good. You can do things for yourself without leaving your baby. You could just explain to the grandparents that they are welcome to come be with the baby at your house, while you are home, so that they can get to know each other well, and that when she is older they can have more time with her alone. I have grandchildren now, and I enjoy them totally with their parents when they are young, and now I love taking the 2-1/2-year-old for a few hours at a time, but always within 1/2-hour drive of where mama is. Once she is 4 or so I might take her overnight if she wants to come. I think it's important too, to really include your husband, but that does not at all necessarily mean leaving the baby with him. When she gets to be 8 months or so and goes through the separation anxiety stage, that will be an especially important time for you to be clear and not give in to any pressure to leave her with other people. You're a great mom, and it's wonderful that you're enjoying her so much, that builds such a strong foundation for a lifetime!

Hi K.,

First of all it is natural to want to be with your baby and experience the joy of motherhood. However, I do want to caution you about obsessing over it. You need to realize that the relationship you share with your husband is the first most important relationship and then the relationship you have with your baby.

It is very important that you find time for you...to make yourself beautiful inside and out, find time for your husband so he can share in this new joy instead of grow to resent her, and then spend time with your baby.

It is important for dad and grandparents to be able to develop a relationship with your baby, as well. Balance is so important. Remember to spend time keeping your house beautiful as well. You can use a timer to do things and then use time to play with your baby as a reward for you. 15 minutes spent making ourself pretty and 15 minutes of play time (as an example).

My babies are 16 and 12 now so I have learned about the importance of balance throughout their lives. Each step is precious but we can't let ourselves become obssessive at any stage in their lives.

Step back a little, relax, and enjoy other people enjoying your baby, too.

I think it is wonderful that you love your child and motherhood so much. That being said, your child will need to learn how to have other people care for her, and you do need time to yourself sometimes. Just start with small doses of "mom time": a trip to the mall, a manicure as suggested by your husband, perhaps a yoga or fitness class. It would be good for both of you. The last thing you want is to get your daughter so used to having mom all the time that she can't handle being left with other people, as that tends to really rip a mom's heart in two. And when you return, you can cherish her all the more :)

Hi K.! You know, it may not seem horrible right now, but as time goes on and you are still unable to leave your baby as she grows, you are going to burn out, and then you will have nothing left to give your baby, not to mention your husband! Remember that you and your husband are doing this TOGETHER! Think of it as a discipline, like getting up to exercise is a discipline....getting out by yourself will be a discipline for awhile, and then eventually you will wonder why it was ever a problem before! I remember feeling this way for the first month or so after having my first...but 4 months....I think it is unhealthy. Your baby is connected to you and will always be, even if you step out of the house for an hour! That Mother/baby connection is God given and can't be taken away! So take heart, you can do this. Do it for your husband and your baby!

K.: I am a mother of 3 and can understand what you are feeling. BUT you too will become like a neighbor of mine that never leaves her kids and then they will be school aged and she takes them out of school becuase she misses them or becuase they don't want to be away from her, and you will effect there schooling. Her oldest is only in Kindergarten. My suggestion is simular to your husband, go out for a few hours at a time, go with a friend or relative. It will be hard at first but do this at least once a week. Then by the time your babay is about a year old, you and your husband go on a weekend trip alone. This is GREAT for you and your baby. To get used to being apart, but then the reunion of coming together again is fantastic. I can go on vaction and my kids are having so much fun that they dont even need to talk to me when I call. It's easier on EVERYONE if you start it out earlier then later. Take a friend out for coffee, goto the mall or grocery shop by your self and you will soon get over the "need" to be with the baby every second of every day! You will get your independece back! I hope this helps!!

It is normal to feel this way; however, you should get away anyway. If you leave taking care of yourself behind for too long then it begins to negatively impact your baby that you love so much. Also, your husband deserves to have alone time with the baby to get to know her. Start with short time periods to begin with. That way everyone gets used to it slowly. If you are breastfeeding, longer time periods are difficult for everyone. As your daughter gets older, she needs to know that even though mommy has to leave sometimes, she always comes back.

Hey there. I am very similar with my two kiddos. Mostly because I just love them so much, and partly because I feel like no-one can do as good a job with them as I can because no-one is going to love them as much as I do. However, occasionally, my husband will want to go to a movie or go out to dinner just the two of us, and it is really nice. If you can find someone that you absolutely trust with your kiddos and you are comfortable leaving them with for an hour or two, instead of going out by yourself (which never really works to relax me like others seem to think it will), why not go out on a fun date with your hubby? It's nice that our husbands want us to have "us" time, but personally, I would rather have time with him; being able to talk to another adult. =) We have a 2.5 year old and 7.5 month old and have really learned to enjoy out date time away from our kids. It makes coming back to pick them up all the more fun!

Your fine sweetie, your a first time mom and your baby is still young. I think your feelings are normal, I did not want to leave my first born either. We went camping and left him with Grandma at 4 months, I cried the entire weekend.
You'll go out when you are ready.
:-)

I know exactly how you feel. I loved being at home with our first daughter and never wanted to be away from her. I still really enjoy the time I spend with both of my girls. However, I had to go back to work part time after my maternity leave. While I dreaded going back I soon found that I had lost myself in a way after becoming a mother and really missed my "old" self. Now I make a concerted effort to try to get some time to myself at least once a week. It makes me a better mom because I'm taking care of myself and I have interests that aren't always centered around my children. I think this is a healthy perspective and that my children will benefit from the example I'm setting for them.

It's hard to make the first step but it's so important you get time for yourself. When you immerse yourself in your children it's easy to lose perspective. Just an hour or two a week of you time is so important. Perhaps start small: the grocery store by yourself and then perhaps a hair appointment. You may realize how much you missed that relaxation time.

Good luck!

I felt very much the same way...it's normal. Just try to remember that taking care of you is also helping to take care of your little one. When Mom's happy, everyone is happy. Taking a little time away will also help your baby adjust to new faces in the event that you have to go away. It also helps those that you ask to watch your child, know that you trust them with your most precious item. It will mean a lot to them too. Take baby steps, maybe just go out for a latte with a girlfriend. You can keep your cell handy and enjoy some adult conversation.
B. :)

Hi K.,

I think what you are feeling is absolutely normal. When you are ready to have time to yourself, you'll know it. Others can't determine when you are ready and your husband and the grandparents can have quality time with her while you are there too. There's no reason for you to have to make time for yourself, until you want to. I am the mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20. If I could have had more, I would have...I absolutely adore my children. I've stayed home with all of them...but worked from home to keep my "adult skills" up, but even to this day my appearance isn't the most important thing in my life anymore. Once I became a mother, my child was first and foremost. I've been very conscious to ensure that my relationship with my husband is a major priority, because our relationship is so important to me and it's a lifeline for our children. But the kids, they just complete my life.

Don't worry about what others are saying, just let them know that you are just so darned happy and in love with your daughter that you don't want to miss a moment right now. As she gets older you'll find bits of time for yourself when you need to, but if you are content then I'd just go with that. How many of us can really know we're that happy and the reason why we're happy? Not many...so consider yourself very fortunate!

D.

I think that your daughter is young and so your feelings will change slightly over time. Eventually you will want some time to yourself. If what makes you happy is to be with her all of the time, then do it. She will only be this small once.

I totally understand your thinking and don't feel bad about it. When my son was born, I only have 6 weeks at home with him and then I had to go back to work full time. I remember spending every waking minute with him while I was on leave and when I did have to leave him (one time) with my mom I cried the whole hour I was gone - thank you hormones!! I even had trouble letting anyone else hold him, I just didn't want to let him go! I remember sitting there holding him in the mornings before I had to leave to drop him off at the sitter and thinking about how much I wanted to just get in the car and drive away with him and never go back to work...but reality set in quickly.

He's two now and it's still hard for me to leave him, but I think as they get older and they learn that it's ok to be away, you learn too. It is really nice to get away for a bit without him and I still occasionally feel guilty about it, but I know he's fine and he's happy and he enjoys daycare and Bible school class and playing at Grammy and Grumpy's house while mommy and daddy go out for a night. I think it's just a learning process and you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I will say this though, I think it's easier to leave him with a sitter now because we started leaving him with one when he was so young. I know he trusts us and he knows that we'll always come back for him. Hang in there and know that your daughter will always love you and you will always be #1 to her and she'll know that even if you're not there with her 100% of the time. Kids are good about that!

okay, we need to remember that your baby is only 4 months old. you are still going through hormonal changes and sleep deprivation. if you are still totally consumed with your daughter after say 1 year and you still aren't caring what you look like or to have time alone then maybe it's getting unhealthy but until then, enjoy every moment you have with her and know she is one lucky little girl to have such a loving mommy!

I can understand how you feel. However, it is soooo important for you to have time away from your baby. For the reasons you mentioned - so she can develop better relationships with her dad and others in her life who love her. But also for you! It is critically important that you do not lose yourself because of your daughter. Ultimately, you will resent it. And trust me, the older she gets, the more exhausted you'll be. But you also don't want to give her the example of a mom who only exists for her child. You want her to develop into her own, unique, independent self. Not only will she feel pressure from you if your life revolves around her, but you aren't setting any kind of positive example for the type of person you would want her to be.

The other reason to leave your daughter is for your relationship with your husband. My husband's and my relationship has deteriorated significantly because we don't have much alone time that is all about us and not about our kids. This is so dangerous and we are working hard to rectify it. Your relationship with your husband is so important - don't lose sight of that. You will need to work doubly hard on that now that you have this other wonderful being in your life.

I totally understand the love fest. My husband tells people that you would think someone died by the way I responded when I had to go back to work. I sobbed hysterically. But, it was also a really good thing. I can see that now. And every time I leave my kids, I come back feeling refreshed and like my life matters and is important, too. It feels good to do something for me.

Your daughter is only 4 months - you are adjusting to a lot. But don't lose sight of yourself and what ultimately is in the best interests of everyone in your family. Take time for yourself and let others build the relationship like you obviously have with your daughter. You'll be glad for it!

Your a good mom K.! She'll only be this age once. Your time will come don't worry.

Hello and congratulations on your baby girl. My daughter (who just turned 7 last week) is the love and joy of my life and when she was an infant I never left her either. I breastfed exclusively and couldn't pump so I think that was my excuse. (i breastfed till 22 months) I think its natural to want to be with your baby because you want to ensure the care she is getting is what you would want, and things be done in a way similar or exactly like the way you would do it. But its true that it takes a village to raise a child. I can see now how important time away is, for the mom to maintain a sense of herself. If your baby gets too accustomed to you and only you, later when you want or need breaks, she may be one of those babies who wants only mom. My daughter became extremely attached to me and it took quite awhile for her to not be joined at my hip or a be my shadow. (she was about 4 years old) So my advise is take it slow, let your husband take her for a walk while you go get a massage or take a long bath. Or go to the store with out her (maybe with husband joining for the drive and taking baby to different store) It is hard, I know. But now is the time for the patterns and relationships to be established. You WILL want time away from your child at one point- believe me! good luck

Hi, its hard for you as you become first mother to have your baby. I had been through same thing. I had to face and break my scary, worry, emotion that i felt bond to my baby. You need to learn and face your confident and emotion to get better. Example you can drop off your baby to your best friends or relatives that you feel confident. You can go to out lunch or dinner or shopping clothes or manicures whatever like take an hr. When it starts to do you can take off an half to an hr you develop your confident about your baby for a break time. Yes it is worth that you need a break time so your body will make more energy and more excited and happy. If you didnt take doing anything and you will feel more pressure and burn out and more up/down emotions. I hope you can do it for your body's necessary break time.

K.

K.,
I also went through the same thing being a first-time mom, six years ago. I literally would not leave my son even to use the restroom, he had to come with me! I believe it is a natural mothering instinct, some of us just have it stronger than others.

If you have more children, you will find that you need to have more down time for yourself, and this also is a natural progression.

I would say that the most difficult thing was re-training my husband. He was used to me "doing it all" with our son. When we had two sons, he expected the same! So I tried to keep it up. It wore on me.

When our third son came along, it just would not work that way any more, especially as they are all at different ages and stages, with different needs. We have had to re-balance our marriage and roles with each other and as parents now. It didn't happen easily (i.e. some shouting took place!) but it is going much more smoothly and he encourages me now to do things alone or indulge myself by doing art or scrapbooking. I know it is good for my kids to see mom being someone else besides mom, too...they are so delighted with the visual artistic outcome of my hobbies as well!

I still don't leave my family enough. For instance - yesterday I went to a doctor's appt, and while out, I thought "I would love to get a manicure and just take an extra hour for myself", but I felt like "I must get home immediately!" Why, I don't know. I miss them and love them. I went home. And I will make it a point to get my manicure at a later time when I can mentally prepare myself to be out.

That said, I absolutely love being a mama and adore being home or out with them. I am enjoying our togetherness now, because it ends all too soon!

All the best to you,
K.

I think you already know the answer. Three people who love you are encouraging you to take time for yourself. Also, you want your daughter to be well adjusted and be able to take her anywhere, right? Well, sometime down the road she'll have to go into childcare for various resons; church services, maybe you'll need an x-ray- who knows- but will she be able to function if you're not there? It's your fear that you need to overcome so she won't be fearful of the world.
I didn't want to leave my 1st baby, either. But, I was lacking sleep and was exhausted! My hubby sent me off to a Bed & Breakfast for 2 days & nights. I had books to read, went on a hike, went shopping by myself, and he and my son got to bond. I felt perfectly comfortable leaving him in my hubby's care (because he knew just as much as I did about babies- he was there!)but, it was the best thing- I came home rested and happy again. I missed my son SO much, but we all needed a happy, rested mom.
Now, many years later, I can go off for a week or longer and know that all will be well when I return. My hubby takes his golfing or business trips and we take trips all together. My kids are good travelers.
Try to let go a little at a time, or talk to your Dr. or a therapist if you still have trouble with it.

I felt the exact same way with my 2 kids. Don't do ANYTHING you are not comfortable with having to do with your baby!! Tell everyone close to you how you feel and don't feel bad about it! The bond between a mom and babe is strong and not to be taken lightly. I didn't even want my hubby to hold my first baby for the first month (I did let him OF COURSE). But I told him how I felt, and he was supportive.

For me, I felt the same way. And I had to go back to work when my daughter was 4.5 months old. I pretty sure, though, that is was mostly a control issue. I think I am the best at taking care of my girl and I don't want to leave her with anyone else. But starting back as work was actually good for me and her. So I encourage you to get out some.

You are SO normal!! My husband & I went through that for at least 6 months. My parents came up when Abby was born and, at only 3 weeks old, literally, kicked us out of our own home. We (tried to) enjoyed a nice dinner out but talked about Abby the whole time, ended up weeping with joy at the table and cutting dinner short to go back home. We realized then that we never wanted to leave again! I would encourage you to try a dinner out; with your angel in her carseat -- she'll sleep right through it and you'll get some adult time with your hubbie. Baby steps...good luck!

Hi K.,
I am sure everyone will tell you the same thing but it is normal and you will "grow" out of it. I had triplets 3 years ago and for the first 18 months I didn't do anything else either. I was given a gift certificate for a spa day when they were 6 months old and only went out to use it the day before it expired - and I didn't even really enjoy it - I wanted to get home to my babies. I still have a detachment issue but it is much easier. It just takes time - this time in their lives goes by so fast anyway and you want to have as much of it as possible. But, I have a suggestion, sit with your baby every day saying nothing, doing nothing, and just hold her, look at her feet, look at her face and soak her in. That helped me feel like I wasn't missing out or feel guilty for leaving to go to the store or whatever. Then, plan an outing for maybe an hour. The next time, make it 2 hours - that is often enough time to get rejuvinated and start to find enough of your old self that you don't lose it because someday you will want to share that part of you with her.

I totally understand...it took me OVER a year before I spent a night away from my baby...and not by choice...at least she was with my husband..but it was a hard night. I felt better when I wrote my baby a letter to read later in life...telling her why I love her so much and never want to leave her...and how strange it felt without her.

I think it's natural with moms that love their babies the way they should. Don't MAKE yourself if you don't feel ready. 4 moths is too soon.

It's a totally normal feeling! Your baby will only be this tiny once and for such a short time... savor it and be there for as much of it as you can! Don't let anyone pressure you into leaving your baby until you're ready. I didn't leave my daughters with anyone but my husband until they were almost a year old and I'm so glad that I had that time with them :)

If you're feeling overwhelmed, then you know that the offers are there and you can take advantage of them when YOU're ready. If you don't feel the need to get away, then there's nothing wrong with savoring your beautiful baby's babyhood while it lasts. There will be years and years when your husband and the grandparents can have her to themselves for a while. This time is *yours* so do what you think feels right.

Best wishes!
~B.

I don't think its unhealthy, because I went through it too...I didn't want to leave my baby boy. But like my mom tells me... you need to get some you time, because when they are old enough they are going to drive you crazy, and you are going to need you time. Also another saying from my mom, "he needs to know that when mommy leaves, mommy ALWAYS comes home" I think it is very true... and the gradification is when they come up to your or in your case when you go to her and she gets a big smile on her face, it will just melt your heart even more... so my advice take an hour for yourself... even if it is just by starting out an hour in your room reading your favorite book, or taking a hot bath... then venture out side the home. Good luck, I know how hard it can be:)

Your story sounds similar to mine.
While there is some "naturalness" to your situation, it does sound like it has gone too far, and your husband and granparents are doing their best to support you into a healthy change.
I began my relationship with my daughter in a very similar way that you did. I raised my daughter (now 10) in the philosophy of "Attachement Parenting", an idea that has merit, but I took it too far. I gave up a lot of myself and my self care in order to put my daughter first.
I can say that this path didn't work well. Eventually I burned out. Eventually my relationship with my husband went down hill. Eventually my daughter began to grow up, and expand her world, and that left me with an empty place.
I learned that completely immersing myself in the world of my baby lowered my sense of self - my sense of self became attached to her. My self esteem was based on what my child was doing, or how great of a mother I was perceived to be.
This is not at all healthy behavior.
Healthy mothering has balance. A healthy mother is strong internally and has lots to offer her child, and a healthy mother is able to let go of that child as it walks tentatively out into the world.
Go get a massage, get your nails done, take a cell phone with you so you can check in at first, but practice letting go. Practice this by letting her granparents and father nuture her, and find their own way with being with her.
I can tell you now, I am so glad my daughter has a strong and vital connection to her dad and grandmom. Without that, she would be a very shallow person indeed.
This is the real pathway of mothering, the ability to let go and love fully - enough that we trust their stumbling steps toward adulthood.

Good luck with your journey.

I don't think you should have to be away from her if you don't want to get away. Your child will grow up soon enough.
Cherish the moments she is little and the bonds of love are growing. Soon enough she will be pushing away from you to go explore the world around her. It really doesn't matter what someone else thinks you should do....it matters what makes you happy. when you do end up needing a break, I think you will take one and not feel guilty because you will know how much you love your daughter, and how much quality time you spend with her. Brick wall to those who are trying to spoil your delight in this beautiful miracle that has touched your life. Those moments don't last forever, cherish them, build memories and later when she's running off with her friends, you will be glad for the times you have together.

I definately agree that it is not only good but necessary to get some time for yourself. That being said, I must also say that you shouldn't feel forced to leave her. Get dressed, including shoes, in the morning and do your hair (you'll be surprised how energized you'll feel) and then enjoy your baby. Only you know when the time is right for longer stretches of time away from her. If you try too soon, guilt will follow you and defeat the purpose of 'you time'. Congratulations and God Bless!

I am on my third kid and he is 6 months old. until he was 3 months i would not go to the store without him. he is the only one that i have left in the evening to go out this early and that is only because he goes to bed at 8pm and does not get up till morning. with my first daughter when she was a couple months I feed her and she fell asleep which i knew would be for a couple of hours and my husband and father in law wanted to go to dinner and my mother in law did not so she said she would keep the baby and my husband and i got in a fight over bringing her. any way i won and she went with us. I just told them it was my choice and I carried her for nine months and in just a couple of months you expect me to leave her not happening. so you are not the only one and it gets better.

I think it's completely normal! You sound like a great mom. I do encourage you though to let others be around her and care for her even if you are in a different room around the house...Because there will come a time when you do want to get a massage or manicure and your baby wont be comfortable around anyone but you! Right now is a great time for your baby to learn to trust other family members and friends. Good luck.

E.

In the long run, you need to work your way out of this phase. It will not be good for your child -- she will suffer separation anxiety unless you allow her to experience absence. You csn be a wonderful mother if you find some balance. And your child will be able to do all the normal things of childhood: have overnights, play with friends, go on school trips. And you will be a better parent if you have some time to replenish yourself. Good luck finding that balance. You will be glad of it down the road.

I don't know if that is unhealthy or not, but you will lose your husband if you don't remember to make time for him, too. Even if the baby has to be right there, make sure he gets attention. Many husbands get set aside when a baby comes and, let me tell you- boys never grow up. They still want as much attention as they had before. Don't give him the opportunity to be jealous and resentful of your little girl. It can and has (often) happened.

Hi K., I think 4 months is still too young, and it's perfectly ok if you don't want to leave her with anyone else. I felt the same way. I think my baby was about 6 months old when I left her with my parents for the first time for couple of hours. Still, I was thinking about her almost all the time and hurried home. Our daughter is 3 years old now and I still have not left her with a babysitter, only with my husband or her grandparents. It really feels good to get away for a couple hours but I only do it when my husband is home. Don't feel pressured by anyone, if you don't want to do it, the time will come when you'll know you're ready.

Although it's natural to want to be with your baby, it's important to have a little time for you, too! I would say you should start small. Really small. Maybe have dad or her grandparents watch her while you take a short walk around the block. Getting used to being away for very small periods of time can help reassure you that it's okay for someone else to care for her. Eventually the time will come that you'll have to trust someone else to care for her (if you have an appt, get sick, etc.) and it will be much easier on both of you if you have already had some experience in that department. Plus, her dad and grandparents are probably itching for a chance to act as caregiver, too.

Yes I understand what you are feeling. My son is almost 2 and I still feel that way. I work and so from the moment I get home I want to spend every moment with him.
But it is good to get away too or take sometime for yourself. I wouls say start out with small amounts of time. 5 min. is better than nothing. Your alone mommy time is important too. Right now if you dont feel up to it dont let anyone pressure you into going away. Do it when you feel ready and want to.

Good luck!

I don't think you are out of line at 4 months. If you still left this way at 4 years we'd be looking at a problem. It sounds like what they want is just to spend some time with her. It is not your sense that you need time away, as much as they want time with her. It is good to have other bond with her, and that process starts young. Perhaps you can give them that time, by going in the other room, & napping, or for a short 20 min walk. No need to start out with 2 hours, at 4 months, (if you are nursing) might be too long. Just slip out for a few minutes. Maybe fix a wonderful meal for your husband, & have the grand parents with baby in the family room, or other part of the house while you dine independently? Be creative. There is an easy solution. I'm quite sure that you will want some alone time soon enough. Enjoy your little sweat heart.

K.,

It is totally normal to sit and stare at your new baby. Welcome to motherhood. I do however, advise if your husband says go and take a brake that is also a healthy thing to do as well. Congrats!

G.

I so do understand,high five though for feeling so close to her so soon.With my other kid'os I felt the same.Take a stupid longer than nessary shower to start.Than when and if
you leave her in care of another mow the lawn and use the acuse of getting a glass a water in-between to look on things.I know how you feel though I will never forget this one time I ran to the grocery store and left my 17,10,1/2 yrs old with my husband FOR just and hour tops.Not only did I come home to find the two eldest missing somewhere outside,but a blanket had been snugged tight around the youngest.My husband busy on the computer.When I inspected the issue he had pooped so badly it ran everywhere,my husbands excuse was he could not find a diaper.Are you serious!!!!The point is you can never trust anyone to make your children feel more safe than you,but how else will they learn tOlerance,and self-worth,and intergety etc...if you can't let loose on the leesh a little bit.In the famous term of Nemo if you don't let anything happen to him nothing will ever happen for him.Take care and big hug.

I have 5 children and I feel that way with each one. They are with me almost 24/7 for the 1st 4 to 6 months. Then I'll leave them with someone for about an 'hour or so at a time' until they are about a year old. I think that some people worry that 'baby blues' will set in if the mother does not get away. I don't think that this happens to everyone, but you do need to watch out for it! Know what you like to do so that when you do need to get away (it will eventually happen!), that you will be that much better prepared to know what to do, or where to go (a sister of mine LOVES massages... not my thing, but I love to sew, or even just walk around a fabric store). And... finding your hobby, or your 'stress release', or doing something you love to do... you need to find out what that is (if you don't know already) while you are happy, not when you are sad, or stressed, or are in need of a break. (You can have the baby in a 'snugglie' with you at the library while you are looking for books for ideas.) Other people (like grandparents) may just want to spend time with the baby and to help you. You are the mommy, you know what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing. There are many different nice and kind ways to say 'no'. Some people feel needed and useful if they are given a job to do or allowed to help in some way(especially brothers and sisters of babies... for future information, if needed). If you have some things that you could say when people offer to watch your baby... have the grandparents pick up some 'in season fruit' on their way over, or ask if they will join you for a walk and let them push the stroller, ask if they would like to dress or change the baby, or....??? If someone is concerned about not wanting to ever leave their baby, and they are feeling trapped or isolated, then that would be cause for concern. You are not sounding that way. Being a mother is a wonderful thing, enjoy it as much as you would like to! Oh, I also have a couple of good friends that I swap babysitting with and we also get together at least once a week for projects. Then, when I'm ready to leave my baby, he's already spend enough time with my friends while I was there, so that it's not a big deal (for him, or for me) to leave him. Finding friends that you can trust, and have similar interests with, and your kids are about the 'same' age is a really BIG help! You'll be raising your 'little one' for about 18 years(and being their mom forever), there's plenty of time to have others watch them. I have 7 siblings, so I guess I'm used to being around a bunch of family. Everyone is different, and there is NO WAY that I would suggest to a new mom that she stay with her baby 24/7!!!!! I just wanted to share with you what I do.

I am a grandmother, and I have experienced what you're going through. I learned, however, that it was not fair to my babies for me to never leave them. Some wise person pointed out to me the possibility that I could get sick or something could happen that would necessitate me being away for a short time. If I had never allowed my child to get accustomed to being cared for by a loving grandparent, daddy, even a reliable friend for a short time, the baby would suffer. Also, the babies needed to learn that even though I had to leave for awhile, I would always come back. That's an important lesson for them, even at a young age. So go ahead and do something for yourself occasionally. The baby will not suffer, and she will be learning that she can trust you to always return. She is indeed a lucky baby to have such a caring mommy.

It won't do you any good to "get away and do something for yourself" if you are worried and stressed the entire time. I (and you) know that they mean well and they just want some one-on-one time with the baby, but it's not worth the stress of leaving her if you're not ready. That's not to say that you shouldn't still do things for yourself! I know she's still young yet, but let her see you do things for yourself. This will instill a great sense of importance in herself too. Let her watch you polish your nails. You know what I mean!
Take care of yourself and she will learn to follow by example.
Oh, and don't let others pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, that's a great learning example too!

OH, oh... lol... If there's something you want to do (go out with hubby or friends) don't feel guilty about leaving her either. It is good to go out when you are feeling up to it and are ready, but so many times those trips can be wasted by feelings of guilt or worry. You know she's in good hands and you will need to learn to let go of things you can not control!

K.,
I have a six month old baby girl and i know what you are going through. It was hard for me to leave my daughter even with my husband. Take baby steps, leave for a few minutes or don't leave at all but go outside for awhile. You need to take of yourself, too. You will slowly begin to trust that she is fine. Have a spa day @ your home and let your husband take care of her. It's important to let her bond with her Dad, too. Good luck!! It gets easier, sort of!!LOL!!

It's wonderful that you love being a mommy, but don't forget that you are a wife too. You might not care what you look like, but sooner or later your husband will start to. Not to mention understanding that the baby isn't just yours. Your husband needs to feel validated and important in his role as Daddy too. Being a great Mom also has to do with being well rounded and while it's all so new and wonderful at 4 months, if your daughter hasn't had any experience with anyone at 2 years when she can vocalize it you might have a problem.

But for now congratulations and I'm sure it will come together quite naturally. You're already ahead of the game just by asking the question.

A.

Your feelings are totally normal, especially at four months . . . BUT your husband and family are very wise. Do create daily quality time for yourself so that you avoid long term burnout and baby gets attached to other important people in her life. you are lucky to have their support. Start with small increments of time and ease into longer increments of time. You will feel more comfortable being away and actually start to be recharged as time goes on.

C.

Hi,K.! Congratulations on your new baby girl and on becoming a mom! These feelings you are having are normal, since your baby is so new. I noticed the same thing in myself with both of my kids, when they were infants. It is nature's way. Your hormones are still a bit different right now than they will be as she gets older, especially if you are breastfeeding. In fact, I think it took me up until my youngest was about 10 months old before I felt comfortable leaving him with my in-laws.(With my oldest, I had to go back to work right away, so I didn't have a choice) The lack of sleep may play a role in this too, as it can make one a bit more emotional. As your baby grows, you will find it easier and easier to gradually introduce the idea of having other family members take care of her for a bit while you shop or nap or work,etc. She will become more independent, and it is very important to let her have quality time with her Daddy. You will always be the primary person in her life while she is a child, but her life will be enriched by her relationships with her Daddy, grandparents, other children,etc. You sound like a very loving Mom. Just remember that you can be a Mommy and a wife and person with your own identity. It is difficult to juggle the many roles you play as a woman. I cannot stress enough the value of maintaining your own identity and not forgetting about your husband. Your kids will be home for 18 years,then go on to make their own way in the world, but you will be married to your husband for the rest of your life. I speak from experience as I tend to place my focus on my kids and I sometimes do neglect my appearance and devote most of my time to my kids, sometimes at the expense of my marriage and personal goals. I am working on this, and as I and many others here have said it does get better with time. My kids are 7 and 2 1/2 and I can tell you that at first i had mixed feelings about my babies growing up, but that your relationship as they grow only gets deeper and richer over time and you will find yourself growing as a person too, as you raise her. You should be proud of being such a devoted mom, and I wish you all the best for yourself and your daughter:)