Unannounced Child Visitors

I'm a "drop in at my house anytime" person, but my brother is not. He asked that, even if we happen to be in the neighborhood, even if we're on their street, to call. Just call. That way, they felt their privacy would not be violated.

I would start by telling the kids, and their parents that because of the new baby, it's always better to call before trying to come and visit. If they can't/won't listen, don't answer the door if they knock.... And if they don't bother to knock and just walk in, then keep the door locked, and say, sorry, now is not a good time when they knock.

I think you've gotten some good advice, I just wanted to add these three important words:
Nothing is free.

to be honest and new baby is the best deterrent. If this starts to happen talk to them and tell them you are having a hard time because of the baby. Maybe when the baby gets older it will be easier but for right now could we just slow down the drop ins.

Recipe for family harmony in close proximity:
Equal parts: Communication. Flexibility. Limits. A sense of humor.
Love.
Stir thoroughly. Administer as needed. Repeat.

Communicate up front in a "no big deal" way that you can't wait to see people AND that you need them to call first. Feel free to use the baby or your study time as an excuse -- or just fess up (like I had to do REPEATEDLY with one of my grown girls) that you're just really private. When kids show up unexpectedly, meet them at the door with a smile but DON"T let them in! Chat for a second, tell them how sorry you are that it's not a good time and ask them to call you or have their folks call you to set up a better time. Tell them they can't leave without a kiss, though! Don't want people (especially in-law family) to think your cranky, stand-offish, unwelcoming or whatever. Remember, too, that shortly, when your newborn is a little older these same kids might be great mother's helpers or even babysitters; also, at some point your little one will be the one running to the grandparents' or the aunt & uncle's house -- and it will be OK, even a good kind of life.

Congratulations on your new home and new baby! What a great deal of change! I hope you can focus on this as a time of happiness and new beginnings, even in the midst of all the stress and uncertainty that these things bring.

Hang in. Make yourself laugh often.

A big smile, a welcoming voice, a blocked door. Give it a shot.

BTW -- for those who wonder about the "riding bikes in the basement" thing: My kids were totally of the same mind before we moved into our current house. THink about it: a totally empty, non-living space but indoors. How cool would it be to ride your bike there? THen, picture your basement now (at least, mine's like this): full of boxes and house maintenance stuff, washer/dryer and piles of laundry in various stages of done and a "family room" area. Totally NOT bike-rideable! An empty basement would be a blast for kids!

Fences make good neighbors. Robert Frost was soooo right.

I think what might work is to erect a fence around the backyard, personally. If you want your space, claim it. You will not always want the whole crew around when you and baby are out exploring the backyard, and it will make a safer place for him to play when he's older. Make sure the latch of the fence is on the inside and difficult to access from the outside, so no "helping themselves" to your backyard.

Own your concern, and laugh at the kids. Are they really going to ride bikes in your basement? Not if you don't let them! Bikes belong outside, anyway.
If you don't want them to watch television at your house, just make it a standard rule that when company comes over, the tv goes off. That's the MO in our family, and it's worked just fine.

What might also help is to schedule something with family once a month-- a family dinner where the two (or is there more?) families gather, and alternate who hosts. This is friendly and sets boundaries.

Above all, just be honest about what works for you. If you've got an 8 week old and want your privacy and time to nest in (and unpack, etc. etc.), just say so kindly. Lots of "I" statements will work in this situation. As in "I would love for us to schedule another time for the kids to come play in the backyard; right now, I'm really not ready for company." If your sister-in-law is approachable, you can gently share your concerns, laugh and say "I don't think I knew what we were getting into... could you give me some help on this?" Chances are, she's not thinking of your house as an extension of hers-- the kids are. And if you need to know how to disable a doorbell, PM me-- I know I would probably be doing that soon enough.:)

Remember-- your house, YOUR rules!

sometimes you have to pass on free, free doesn't always mean you will be happy. I have a feeling your are either in for some stressful times or for making some family feel hurt. I would personally never move across the street or next door to my family or my in-laws family free or not. Free is never free you'll be paying in childcare, food, and time

We have a cabin in the mountains where my dad lives. My uncle has a barn that has been converted to a living area, and he spends a lot of his time in the summer there. Along with his 2 terroristic children. They used to just come straight into our house, eat food, get in the fridge, whatever. Just making themselves right at home. NOT a problem once in a while, but all the time was just too much. My dad installed a 2nd porch light. If the light is ON, they can come over. If it's OFF, they can't. He just explained the rules to them, and told them that sometimes he needs time to himself. My uncle was understanding, and made sure his kids followed the rules. Maybe something like this would work for you?

On the plus side... in a couple years, your BIL's oldest will be old enough to babysit! Won't it be convenient having him/her right there? :)

I would talk honestly to tell tell them that you love them but your feeling overwhelmed with work and the baby and just need some time alone at night. try to plan specific times that would work for you, because you're going to have to make some time for them then i would
Also keep your door locked. that way they have to knock or ring the bell. when they do just tell them that it's not a good time that yoy'll go over there house later.

I get what you're saying, but really, what did you expect to happen when you move next door to inlaws with kids? And the older two will (mostly) be in school and I'm sure they don't let the 2 yo run from house to house!
DE-STRESS!!!! It will be ok. IF it becomes a problem, deal with it then.
YOU might end up liking having family so close! :)

Sorry, but I think I agree a lot with Denise. Why in the world would you build a house next door to them? I am totally getting the whole privacy/needing your space thing.. I am like that too. But I didn't build my house next door to my in-laws either. THey are 5 hours away! :)

Discuss with your husband what your expectations (realistic or otherwise) are for having "visitors" and just exactly how "open" your door policy is going to be. Maybe there is some sort of "signal" that you guys can figure out, so that the nieces/nephews know it is okay to stop in... A certain potted plant out on the porch, a certain flag on the little flag post in the yard, or something... Then they will know when you would rather not have them in. It would be a simple cut and dried way for the kids to know...rather than leaving anything up to their still immature judgment. Flag is out... It's okay. Flag is not... It's not.
Just a thought.

You definitely suffer from 'anticipatory' worry.....I would imagine that your 8 wk old new baby will eventually be delighted to see his cousins around and having those cousins around will end up being a huge blessing in disguise as they will innately entertain your little one so you can have more of your own protected time for the aforementioned activities such as grad courses. Because who is going to watch the baby while you do housework and study?

You just need to speak up for yourself and determine when they show up on your door step if it's a good time or not. They can learn to respect your answer, and if it's no at that moment, then they can play elsewhere. End of worry. End of concern. Go back to what you were doing.

You are one very lucky lady to have both family and land given to you so early on in life. I have neither and have worked for both.

Hey, newmom, I'm sorry you've gotten grief from some folks here about building where you did. You can live next to relatives and not have to have them in your hair every minute, and you have the right to take your family up on the free land, especially in this economy. You do want to be sure, though, that you get your private space without starting bad feelings.

As others have said -- communication. Assuming your BIL is your husband's brother, it's your husband's job to be up front, in a friendly way so no one gets their dander up, about calling first, and not just dropping in without one simple phone call.

And remember, this will pass. Your BIL's three kids include two who are old enough that your constantly saying, "Shhh, the baby's napping" etc. will drive them away for quite a while! And the 2-year-old, well, he or she has no business dropping over anyway without an adult! They will quickly learn that your house isn't an amusement park and they'll drop their comments about riding bikes in the basement and watching TV there. (The TV can be conveniently broken, or off limits, -- "Sorry, we only turn on the TV at night after the baby's gone to sleep. Ever. Want to do homework with me?") They'll lose interest.

Keep everything light and yet firm, showing a lot of love and actually inviting the kids WITH their parents over for some social times, board games, play in the yard, cookouts etc. You DO like them and want to see them at times, after all! But if the kids come over unannounced, smile a big, warm smile, and say, "Nope, not today, I'm studying/playing with the baby/just plain busy; I'll call your folks and we can all get together this weekend" etc.

You'll have to be honest. But I SERIOUSLY wonder why you are getting involved in a situation like this the way you feel. We have 4 generations under roof in our house and there is ZERO privacy. From time to time I wish I could find even a second or two to be alone. My grown daughter has to go to the library or meet friends at a starbucks to study. She can't get that done here.

Do yourself a favor and call a family meeting before you move in. Set some ground rules and help the kids to understand that being a mom and a student is hard and you need your space and quiet to do that.

Tell them to bring their homework, you can have homework time. Explain to them that you are going to school too and have to do homework and you can do it together. Also explain that you are really busy and they can help by doing chores so you can spend quality time with them. If they do help, great. But if they are like most kids they won't want to come over if they have to do chores and homework. Remember the 2 oldest ones are old enough to help with your baby. So on those days when everything goes wrong, they can come over and watch the baby, while you restore order.
You can also set an alone time. Tell them that Saturday mornings are just for you, your hubby and the baby, they can't come over until after 2 PM.

My advice is to keep your doors locked, and to communicate openly about having family announce their visits prior to coming over. You also have to realize, that despite the best lines of communication, you may be dealing with unexpected visits quite frequently now that you've moved so close to your in-laws. You're a much braver woman than I. Free land or not, I would never in my right mind live that close to my family. Free isn't always "free" - you may be sacrificing your comfort and happiness in trade for free land.

Well, you can always do what I suggest for a chronic unannounced MIL. As soon as you get home, put on your sexiest (covers everything, but JUST barely) lingerie, when they ring, answer the door like you are expecting hubby. In this case, call BIL's wife and tell her to COME over to collect HER children (if she asks you to bring the kids over, come over with a robe covering your clothing) and tell her that you love her children but that you would like for her to call before the kids come over unannounced.

If this happens with unannounced MIL's or SIL's, you instead act all red faced and tell them that you need to go change.

I believe you are in for a big lifestyle change and perhaps some hurt family feelings if you reject unwanted/unscheduled family visitors.

Your home should not have been built so close to your husband's family...maybe not even in the same town/state.

How do you address the problem.....tell it like it is and be prepared for the backlash.

Blessings....

Sounds like that is inevitable given the precedent. Hubby would have to ask bro and wife to have kids call you before they stop by I guess.....

Tell the family upfront that while it's great they do this with grandparents, that you hope they understand you simply don't have the energy to allow the same. I think your concerns are valid as well!

The very first time the kids come over unannounced, send them home and tell them they need to call and ask first for when a good time is. You have to create the boundaries now... once it starts, you can't stop it without a fight.

But at the same time, try and be flexible. Really, since you have an infant, why the kids would have to come at your house and ride bikes in your basemen (weird) doesn't sound like it would be much fun ,it's not like you have kids their age to play with.

Sounds like you are just going to have to get used to it. Kids want to see babies and play at different houses. If you really want to live in a war zone for the remainder of your married life and battle with in-laws and other family then lay down the battle lines by laying out the boundary lines.

Family are not just random visitors, they are family and can come over any time.

Doors lock.

If you need to, talk to your BIL. Tell him that you need to be warned a day in advance, if you have no warning your doors will be locked. That you just had a baby and you need the alone time with the baby. Crazy new mommy requests are a good excuse.

Good luck.

Is your BIL your sister's husband, or your brother's brother, or your brother's sister's husband? If you're the closer kin, talk with your sister about it; based on your phrasing, though, it sounds as if your husband is the closer kin to your BIL, so I'd say that *he* needs to tell his brother/sister the rules. You and your husband need to talk about this situation, make sure you're on the same page, and then he lays down the law with his brother/sister about their children.

If you have to say something yourself, give all your reasons for not wanting unannounced visitors prior to saying anything about not wanting your nieces & nephew over at all hours. You just had a baby; you're working full-time plus going to school; the baby will be napping at odd hours on your days off; your spare time will be spent cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, going to school, and running errands; and you're just a private person and prefer to know when people are going to be coming to your house. Then, after all that is said, you can say that you love your nieces and nephew and want them to come play some times, but you need to know in advance when that will be, so they won't be interrupting the baby's nap or your study time; and the parents need to make sure that it's okay with you before they come over, if only to make sure that you're home at the time and not out getting groceries -- especially with their youngest being only 2.

If they come over anyway unannounced, you may regretfully have to say, "no, not right now, the baby is napping" or "... I'm studying." You also have doors you can lock. ;-)

However, you can look for the positives -- the older kids will be able to help you with housework [which may also work to limit their visits over, if you're always asking them to help you fold clothes or sweep the floor; and if they like doing the housework, then you get free help as a bonus! ;-)], and later when the baby is more mobile, you can let them entertain the baby and/or watch him while you study -- built-in babysitters.

To be honest-yeah I do think they are going to be frequent visitors. Not to be critical but you really should have expected that when moving next door to family-free land or not. You will probably have their parents and your inlaws stopping in all the time as well I bet. Since I don't know them I really can't say the best way to address this...just that you are going to need to and right at the beginning. Hopefully it won't turn into something because that would make it beyond uncomfortable to live there.

If you tell your BIL how you feel - that should not hurt anyone's feelings - It is a request which you are entitle to make. I wonder, though, why, with your like/need for privacy and alone time you are moving into what IS a family compound sort of arrangement. Unless you and your husband can set ground rules at the outset, it potentially could become very unpleasant.

I'm sure the kids are just excited about having you so close since they have a new baby cousin and everything.
Kids will be kids. I'm sure they can think of a list a mile long that sounds like fun stuff to do once you get moved in. It doesn't mean all of it will happen.
They will get to know your work schedule, the baby's sleep schedule and when it's cool to be around or not. You can go about this without anyone's feelings being hurt.
When your child gets a little bit older, you may find that the cousins are a God-send as far as playing with and keeping your kid entertained.
You will be moving in and getting settled on top of working and caring for a baby so I'm sure people will understand you need to get your bearings.
I think you'll be able to work something out that makes everyone happy so you can enjoy the family "compound".

Best wishes.