Uninterested Grandparents

Hi Becky,

Well, just to let you know you are not alone!!!! My kids have bad grandparents on both sides. My parents are by far the worst. They act like my kids have the plaque and are just general annoyed around them. I really don't have any advice or answers for you. I moved 400 miles away from my parents and that seemed to help. :) It is very hurtful to not see your parents take any interest. It has cause many fights between me & my mom. I even went 4 months without speaking to her, over my kids. It didn't change anything.

I guess that just how their are. If you find any good advice pass it along.

Sorry for your conflict, I know it's painful.

C.

If your parents aren't interested in being grandparents, you can't make them. You can try having a serious sit-down with them. But your priority is your child. And it sounds like you know that. It may seem harsh, but your only choice may be to not have your child around them. If they are causing damage, then I don't understand the dilemma. That may sound cold to some, but no one can be forced to change. And if they can't be concerned about how their behavior impacts him, then, in my opinion, they don't deserve to be around him. If they care at all, this may help them come around. Sometimes all people need to make a change is to really experience the consequences of their actions.

That does mean you have to talk to them and tell them how you feel about their behavior. And you do have to be clear and upfront about what will happen if they chose not to make any changes. Like not only will they not see your son at all, but they will see less of you.

I honestly know how hard that is. I no longer talk to my parents. I don't know your details, but at least in my situation their abusive behavior was so out of control, I gave them a choice. They chose not to change so I chose not to subject my family to their negative and hurtful behavior.

It is truly your call at this point. But don't underestimate the long-term effects their lack of compassion and interest will have on your son.

I hope they do come around. If they don’t I hope you find the strength and support to do what’s best for your son.

Honestly, I'd simply back off on the visits - you are often too busy, right? However, I would let them know how you feel. My parents are controlling about all of this, too, and although they live far away, I make the rules on how my kids are to be treated. My son is special needs, too, which they don't even try to understand (my in-laws are worse). Sometimes confrontation is necessary with bullies/ passive/aggressives like that. My child is more important than their feelings when it comes to being rude. You can also say something like, "I think we need a time out for awhile because you seem so unhappy when you come over or when we are there. Perhaps I can come alone once in a while to see you." Trust me, some people don't have a clue how to be social, and it's even worse when it's a parent who expects you to continue with the status quo. We change, life changes, times change, and they have to change/adapt, too. People treat you how you let them treat you. They criticize you because they can. I stopped that in my 20s. When they once criticized something about my child in a couple of photos we sent, my response was, "If you can't simply enjoy MY child and say bad things, I just won't send any more pics." That got them to shut up, and contrary to how some would be concerned about them holding a grudge, they actually backed off immediately, and behaved better in all conversations. These parents (both mine and my in-laws) loved to manipulate by guilt - they are always the victim. Once I stood up, logically, not emotionally, for myself and my family, I know I gained a newfound respect from them. It's really made a big difference. I just don't cross certain boundaries with them (and had to put a boundary up when certain ones pried about our finances, earnings and even sex life), and make sure they don't with me. Just because they were used to treating me like a child doesn't mean I am one. I'm their adult child.

If possible, I'd try to keep the TV off and have them engaged in something like a game or just simple conversation (asking them questions). They sound bored and in their own world. Try to pull their turtle heads out. Even ask them what they'd like to do on each visit. Some of my family (including those that have passed) were like that, too, even cleaning constantly while we visited. It made us think our visits or their visits were not special at all. That's when I back off. I want our family to be valued, not taken for granted.

Are these your parents or your husband's?

If they are your parents, you need to tell them EXACTLY how you feel. I don't know why you would even allow them to come into your home, other than the fact they're your parents. You do NOT have to put up with that, and you certainly shouldn't have to allow them to be anything but loving and nurturing to your child. If they cannot do that, they don't have any business in his life.

I don't know why you would even hesitate to say anything to them, especially if these are your parents. Now, if they are your husband's parents, have you discussed this with him? Does he feel the same way you do about the way they behave and treat your child??

You need to fix this problem - you are all grown ups. Your child is the most important thing and if they cannot love and nurture him, then they don't deserve to be a part of his life.

My parents are the "uninterested" type as well. My advice to you is to just limit the interaction with them as much as possible. It will save you the stress and let you live your life the way you feel it should be!! Good luck!

Your son is the important one here not your parents, if you feel these interactions with you parents will be damaging to him, you should not allow them to take place. They are the ones who are missing out on what should be a loving relationship. If it were me I would cut off all visits.

Becky,

I'm sure this is very hard for you since it is your own parents behavior towards your child. I have questions that I invite and encourge you to write down and make some time to really answer them for YOURSELF. But first, a suggestion. You and your husband really need to sit down (without your son around) and have a heart to heart talk with them. They need to know how you feel about how they treat your son. And even though you may be very emotional, it is really best to come to the table without any judgements. To use "I" messages as much as possible (ie- "When you come over to visit, I see that there is not much interaction or interest in our son. I want him to have a relationship with you, but I feel that.....") Something like that. when we start a converstation with blaming and mud-slinging all it does is put that person on the defensive and NOTHING good will come out of it. Let your parents have their say. Really listen to them. I mean really, hear them..even if you don't like what they say. Maybe your parents have no clue how to interact/respond to a child who has delays. Often times when someone fears something, it's because they don't have any knowledge about it and their actions are not loving at all, even if in their heart they want to love. Check their assumptions and intentions and then check your assumptions on thier behavior and thinking. They are a different generation....having a child who is delayed was treated completly differently then. (This is assuming that your parents are older). At any rate, it will make it easier for you and your husband to make a clear mature decision on how you want to proceed after understanding thier side of it...(even if it seems clear to you now how they should be acting.)
Another suggestion is to talk to your parents how you and your husband are choosing to parent, such as not yelling, being more patient because he is a child who needs extra time, not making him eat everything, discipline,etc. First and foremost he is YOUR child. You need to be very clear with them on that, and though you appreciate any feedback, concerns, etc they may have...they absoluletly have to respect how you are raising your son. Especially since it seems that you are raising your son with more love and with his best interest in mind. So...have a calm and mature as possible heart to heart talk. Let them know how you feel without blame and judgement. Listen to them. Help them understand and hopefully be less fearful. It might not be resolved in one sitting..maybe it wont' ever be resolved and you have may have to choose to make more limits on thier visits and interactions with your son. Though they have legal rights as grandparents....I feel that parents have to be their children's advocate and do what is best for them.
Ok...here are some questions for you to answer for yourself. I hope they will guide you to the best solution for your family, especially your son.

* You say that they are 'terrible grandparents'. Were they terrible parents to you? How come you feel that they were terrible? How come you feel that they weren't terrible?
* What positive things do they bring to your relationship or to your family? (It's really much easier to deal with others if we can see something positive in them)
* What have your tried in the past that have dealt with your parents behavior towards your son? What has worked, what hasn't?
* What is the most realistic expecation you have of your parents relationship with your son..not your fantasy relationship...but the realistic one?
* What kind of relationship do you desire to have with your parents? What are you willing to let go of to have a relationship? If you let go of something...a belief you have, a control of something, will letting go of that thing compromise your core truth about what you feel is right? Or will letting go of that thing help you see things in a differnt light?
* What kind of environment do you want to create for your son? Who are the people thatyou instinctively feel/know that can help foster that environment?
* ARe your feelings about your parents actions/behavior toward your son related to your own childhood? Are there any unresolved issued that need to be addressed and healed?
*What is your belief, or "what you know to be true" about parenting. Why do you have these beliefs? ARe they true for you? Are they right for your son?
* What would happen if you let go of any expectations of your parents? Would it be easier to deal with the stress? Would it be easier to stand up to them? Would it be easier to deal with them?
* What has kept you from addressing this issue in the past? HOw come? Is it a fear of something? Confrontation? Feeling like you would disrespect your parents? What would happen if you really imagine facing your fear and seeing yourself as resourceful and coping and stronger? Take time to really meditate and visualize this image of yourself.
* What are you willing to do in order to be the kind of mother YOU want to be?
* Can you go within and listen to your inner wise mamma and approach this situation with compassion and love...for all involved?

These may seem like irrelevant questions. But most things are not what they seem. It doesn't have to be complicted...just deeper than what we are willing to look at. You will know how to take the next step if you really listen to your core truth.

I wish you all the best. May you have many happy and joyful parenting days with your very special child.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Tell them that you expect them to treat him with respect, and if they can't, you won't bring him anymore. Visit them less frequently, then, but by yourself. You never know, maybe they don't realize how they're treating him and you should point it out...

I am so sorry that your parents are not involved with your child as you would like. I can't say I have the same situation but I will say your child always comes first. If you have a good relationship with your parents choose a day and find a sitter for your son and have a talk with your parents. Let them know what is going on with your son and tell them how you see them and the interaction with your son. Maybe you could even give suggestions on how to play with your son. Tell them about the delays your son has and see if they want to be a positive part of your sons life. I too have a son with delalys and I have found you will find some people to be toxic, as i like to call it, and to those people we wish them well but we choose not to interact or limit if we have to. That may be the hardest part of the situation you are in. Your parents are supposed to be there to help and take pride in being a grandparent (so we like to think). During your sit down with them try to ask how involved as grandpartns they would like to be. Maybe that is all they want to do. Try to remember back when you were a child to and see if they were the same then. Think it over and don't blam them for anything but just let them know your situation and challenges with your son. if they want to be a part of it they will.
Best wishes

Do what feels right in your heart...you know what's best for your little one. If that means less Grandparents, then that's okay. I know that's not easy, as I have ideas of what Grandparents should do, but when I feel let down, I just remind myself that I can only control my immediate family and that's what I'll stick to. Good luck!

Maybe they have no idea that this is how you feel or how they are behaving. As an adult, it is your responsibility to kindly state how you are feeling in this situation. It is okay to let your parents know that you love them and that it is hard to visit them. You can let them know that you appreciate them and that you are looking for support instead of negativity. It's okay to tell them that you are choosing to not visit until they are ready to be positive, interactive and loving to your family. I also do not believe that your son will be emotionally damaged. As your son gets older he will probably decide or voice that he's not really interested in visiting them. And this choice is ok. I also think that if you do make the choice to back off with visits that the reason is clear to your parents that it is not a 'punishment' to them and that you can only expect them to try to make some changes (turn off the tv when you visit). Hopefully they'll listen and respect your opinion and try to do a better job, if not, you'll have to make some tough decisions....
good luck.

So sorry to hear your little one is treated that way; I know that just breaks our hearts when someone doesn't love or care for our child the way we do.
Have you tried telling your parents how you feel? I would let them know what is bothering you, how they can change it and what you expect.
If they can't change, are not willing to listen, don't understand then I would have less time with grandparents. I know that's not what you want but that is whats best for your child. My kids don't have ideal grandparents either and it breaks my heart but that's life.
I would never allow someone to treat my child that way and you shouldn't either just because they are your parents. Our number one job is to take care of our child, although vague in explanation, it means a great deal. Don't feel bad about standing up for your child. If you don't, who will?
Do what is best for your child; have him be around people that are loving, kind, caring and set an example of how to behave.
Bless your heart.
Bless your family.
I wish you the best.

Since your mom is so interested in reading books, maybe you can get her a book about developmental delays or print something off the internet regarding the subject. Maybe she will then tell your dad about what she read so he can learn too. I think they need to learn about your son and his delays and what they can do to nurture that. After they read the book, maybe you can sit down with them and talk about it and what they can do to be better grandparents and actually interact with your child. His picky eating may be a sign that there is more than just a developmental delay. I am not saying your son has Autism, but Autistic children have aversions to certain foods and some people label them as picky eaters when it is really the texture of the food and the certain tastes that they just don't like and there's nothing you can do to change that. Also, Autistic children tend to be potty trained at a later age then typical kids. My daughter has Autism and people label her as a picky eater but it is much more than her choosing to be picky, she sees a certain food and will refuse to eat it, she has gagged by just looking at certain textured foods. She also was not potty trained until about 3 1/2. Again, I am not saying that your son has Autism but if he is developmentally delayed the picky eating and potty training could be because of that. This might help your parents understand your son better. If your parents can't realize that they need to have a better relationship with your son and you feel that their interactions with him will cause emotional damage, I would suggest not allowing your son to be around them. It may be hard for you to do but in the end it will be better for your son, and you.

Have you talked with your parents about how you feel about their time with your child and their behavior toward your child? Is there a chance that they would be receptive to tips from you that would help their interactions be more positive? You know your parents, if you feel they would be receptive - talk to them about how you feel when you see them show no interest in your child.

From my own experiences with a 3 year old with developmental delays and "challenging" grandparents, my advice is to spend less time with them. They are probably not going to change their behavior and if you are concerned about your emotional damage resulting from the stress of their interactions, limit those interactions as much as possible. Try to make visits shorter and less frequent for the sake of everyone's emotional development. It can be very painful to watch people who are supposed to love your child unconditionally be impatient and seem uninterested.

I hope you are able to talk with them and find a way to make things more positive for everyone. If not, just expose yourself to it less. Whatever the case - good luck and all the best to you and your family.

It seems to me that some different responses to your son may be operating here. They may be fearful due to lack of knowledge, so they are brusque, hoping they can force a change of something they know no other way to alter. They may be sad or disappointed or even feel guilty that their grandchild is not the "perfect" child they might have hoped for and wonder whose "fault" ot might be, thus the need to blame and, again, the rudeness and ignoring the problem by ignoring your child. If that is the case, perhaps some education would help, some reassurance, and some small activities they could do together with him. Counseling might even be in order!
On the other hand, your first role is as your child's mother and if your parents cannot respond in a loving, caring way, you may have to accept that they cannot be in your child's life. It will matter more to your child that you advocated and supported him no matter what than that his grandparents were unable to overcome their feelings or lack of knowledge to love and accept him and he could not know them. The truth must always be in the forefront, however. There is no need to protect your parents here.
About me: I am 58, a mother of two grown children and have been teaching since 1973. I do not pretend to know anything other than that is what I would do if if were my child. My thoughts and prayers are with you and good luck! Regards, R.

You poor thing, I do not envy you at all but can relate to you. Parents are a tough arena and it is very unfortunate when they fail to realize the gift that is a grandchild. You should not have to put up with the behavior they display and if I were you I would not. Easier said then done, I know, but you have to make a conscious decision of what is worth your family's time, energy, and emotion. You will have to sit down with them without your son around and maybe not your spouse, depending on his comfort level with your parents, and tell them how you feel. It may be gutwrenching and they may battle you but at least you have said your peace and feel better to have expressed you feelings. On the other hand they may have an epiphany and admit that they did not realize their behavior was as bad as it is and things could get better from there. If you never tell them what you are feeling they will never know and if they never know they can never make a decision to change.
If they refuse to see the light then I would say it's time to spend more time with other family members. Best of luck to you!

I am sorry that your parents do not seem to be interested in grandparenting your son and that they seem negative when they do interact. As you are well aware, have a special needs child presents challenges. Your parents are facing some of those challenges and their own emotions. Be gentle with them.
You may need to have a serious discussion about what this is doing to you - and that is not easy. but you can let them know that it only increases your stress. If your son has any sports interest, maybe grandpa could help your son learn about sports. Special Olympics has a program for young children, and they always need coaches(Grandma would be welcome too). Grandpa would have an opportunity to see how much your son is capable of rather than dwell on what he cannot do. Find things that interest your paarents and devlop and activity that your son can participate in. It takes some forthought, but if you can provide times and events where your parents see your son accomplishing, they will most likely change some of their behaviors. It will take time and patience, but will be worth it.
They are dealing with their own feelings about having a special needs grandchild. You will have to guide them to see the positive. I have nothing but great things to say about Special Olympics and the impact it can have your your son's life and yours. Good look and enjoy your son the special person that he is. The rewards are great. I know, I have a very special adult daughter.