Unique Adoption Situation

When we were considering having a third baby, what made me feel like going for the third was the right decision was the thought that I would never regret having another baby, but I just may regret never trying. She's here now, and it's tough with three sometimes, but it's pretty awesome all the time. :)

Hello Kimberly,

Wow! Not a small, insignificant set of questions!

My thought: if you and your husband decide that you do want another child, I would look at this as a blessing from God!

You all are a family - you're going to teach the kids to love one another! As long as you don't show favoritism to one or more of the kids, I don't think the specific DNA will matter.

I would just tell the kids the facts from the very beginning, so there are no surprises later on in life. Tell them that's just what God (or life or Fate, whatever your family belief system is) had in store for your family. "That's just the facts, ma'am."

God bless you,
A.

Twenty years ago I adopted my cousin who was 5. He has become a wonderful and successful young man. At the time I had the opportunity to adopt his sister who was 15 months older. Being single and in the military I just did not think I could handle both. My parents raised her and the other siblings, they had a good life.But I still regretted that I didn't adopt her too. If you do adopt this child he/she will be a sibling to both of your boys not just one. My two yunder children adore their older brother. If you decide not to and one day need to explain your decision to your older child I think he will understand as my son did.

1. It would give the oldest another younger brother.

2. It would make the baby a middle.

You're asking if it would hurt the older not to have a blood brother - depends, how thick is blood at your house? If the first child was an open adoption, he may feel some resentment - or none - about losing a "real" brother. Otherwise, I don't see why you should feel compelled to take this woman's child, when she didn't use bc in the first place (or the second, as it were)

S.

My husband and I have two adopted children (ages 3 and 18 months) and they are not biological siblings. Since you have adopted before, I know that you will make the right decision for you and your family. The only advice that I would like to offer is to gather absolutely all the facts before even thinking about making a decision. While our first adoption was smooth sailing, our second one hit quite a few road bumps that could have been avoided if we had all the facts up front. Has your adoption agency done all its homework? Has the birth mother received the appropriate medical attention she needs? Is the birthfather on board with this? Is it the birthmother's idea to place the child with you or the agency's request? Once you take your time to learn the facts and talk to your husband, your heart will tell you what to do. I wish you the best of luck in your journey to a decision.

I think you should think of it as a gift from God the author of adoption.

I was friends with a brother and sister who were both adopted.. (this was 40 years ago..) They were both adopted
two years apart. Their parents had NO idea that they were true siblings in every since of the word. When the brother was in his mid 30's his kidneys started to fail and he went to the adoption agency to try and get some medical history and found out that his sister was actually his "biological" sister.. they had not known this for 30 plus years.

I think what a special gift this was and is as his sister was able to help him with a kidney.

I just think that this special baby is such a gift to your whole family.

I know it will be an adjustment but just think you have 8 plus months to get prepared...

God Bless!
J.

What an honor to be asked by the birth mom! I have no experience like so many of us commenting, but I just thought I would add my opinion- I don't think this is something you will ever regret, but like you said, it is something that you and your husband will decide on together. I also don't think it will have any negative affect on your 2 yo to bring home a new baby- He will love being a big brother and the new baby will bring so much love and joy to your family. I come from a family with 4 siblings, and we have so many fond memories from childhood and I love having each of them in my life today.
Best wishes to you and your family as you make this decision!

I would say you should sit down and think long and hard if you really want another child or not.If you are happy the way things are I would say just leave it.Some of the responses are that you will always wonder what happened to the other baby but there are many many families looking to adopt babies and I am sure she will not have a problem finding a home for it.I am adopted myself and I have at least one brother and one sister that I know of and I am sure knowing my birth mother I have more.I completly under stood why my adopted parents couldnt take the whole family.I did have my moments where I wished for a brother or sister because I was an "only" child with my adopted family.I dont think your son will go through that though because he has a brother and will probably be perfectly happy.I did get curious later in life and I did find my sister and she ad gone down the wrong path we talked on the phine once and that was it.I felt no connection what so ever it was like talking to a complete stranger.It didnt bother me at all because my parents had explained that they just couldnt take us all and I completly understood and was just so happy that they had took me.Dint think that your son will just sit there and cry for his sibling across the world that he has never met.I never felt a real longing for my siblings i knew they werre there but I didnt miss them or anything.Also you have to draw the line somewhere.If you take this baby what will happen when she gets pregnant again and doesnt want the baby you cant save them all.Or what if she has other babies and keeps them you son will still be away from his siblings.Just dont feel guilty there are many many families that would love to have that baby and if you son has questions later in life just explain to him and be supportive if he does want to find his siblings or even his mother.I was curious but when I found what I was looking for I realized I didnt really want to find it and that was the end of it.It is a hard decision but just think about what you truly want you sons will love you no matter what you decide.I am not sure what the mom is like but if she is anything like my mother she will have many more babies.Good luck if you have any question feel free to ask since i was adopted and had a simular situation I might be able to help you a little bit.

Hi K.,

I think the opportunity sounds wonderful!!! My husband and I have adopted 2 girls and I wish we could have adopted more. Now I have 1 granddaughter and she is a wonderful addition to our family!

I have a cousin that lives in California and her name is also Kim. She and her husband adopted 2 little boys and then was contacted by the agency and also adopted a 1/2 biological sibling of one of her boys. She is so happy with her three boys now! They are so cute and look very happy in all the pictures that I see of them. I get to visit them again this coming July and I can't wait!

God will guide you every step of the way if you ask him to. May God Bless you as you and your husband make major decisions about your families life. God has a plan for your life!
R.

I also have no experience with this kind of situation, but in my opinion (MY opinion, in MY situation- feel free to disregard), if a child basically comes knocking on my door, then it is meant to be. I know, this is not a true representation of the situation. However, my husband recently had a vasectomy and we obviously don't plan to have any more children. But- we both agree that if somehow a child came along needing our family, well, then apparently God wants us to have another one. In other words, it really sounds like this child is meant to be in your family, since THEY called YOU. I wouldn't worry about the kids, they're kids, and right now it's just another baby to love. When they get older, yes, they will ask questions, but they will be better able to handle it, and will be so attached (hopefully!) to eachother it won't matter so much. Just my two cents. I think that I would adopt the baby, but all I know is what you typed...so I'm sure it's a lot more complicated than a simple 'yes' or 'no.'

Hi. My parents adopted my brother when he was 2 wks old and I was 6 yrs. He's 25 now and I can't imagine life w/out him. I'll just say this. Kids cope with change alot easier than we give them credit for! AND---easier than adults most of the time!! God bless you and your family as you make this decision!! --C.

you ought to take the new baby what a neat thing to get a full blood sibling to the two you already have. to keep them together would be a a neat thing in my opinion.

I am with Patricia G. on this.

I really don't see the problem about the new baby being the 4 yr. olds bio- sibling. He is too young to be told such things--he can't understand and what a child can't understand just worries them. The time will come--in your judgement--when you will tell all of your children what a blessing this was. God was taking care of this new baby!!

As far as the 2 yr old (and the 4yr old) "we are having a new baby!!"

Another thought is this---can you really turn your sons sister or brother away?

I hope you are a praying family and will pray about this.
God bless you all!
D.

PS I hope it is a girl!!

Hi K., Your concerns are the same for a family that can have kids naturally and the way it affects them is your attitude to this. You and your husband will need to talk about it before you make a decision and then tell the boys you are getting another child if you decide to go ahead with the adoption. Would you be disapointed if you had another boy or would you prefer a girl? Does the birth mom know what she is having or is it too soon to know? From my point it would be good to keep siblings together if possible as we are foster parents and have 3 grown kids of our own, 5 grandkids and another on the way and 7 foster kids ages from 6-16. You will only need to tell your sons if you decide to adopt the next child if you don't adopt its not an issue. If you decide to adopt you will need to inform them that they are getting another brother or sister and once you find out which tell them. I wish you all the best in this decision especially in when the economy isn't the best and this shouldn't really affect your decision its whether you would like another child in your family at this time. If you both could have children naturally and you got pregnant what would your decision be then? I wish you all the best in this and may God bless you in this decision. Ed

Hi K., just something to think about, I hope it doesn't add to your confusion...

I have a friend who has adopted 5 kids, all but 1 are from the same birth mom. They were in your same situation, they adopted one child and a couple of years later found out the birth mom was pregnant again so they adopted the sibling. As the years went on, the agency kept calling to say the mom was pregnant again and did they want the baby. They felt obligated too, don't get me wrong they love all their kids very much. Now that they have 5 kids and their hands constantly full they have turned down 2 other siblings from the mother. I often wonder had they have known it would be a never ending cycle if they would have still decided to adopt so many or did they adopt out of guilt or obligation...

Anyway, I will be praying for you and your children. God will give you the answer you need. I just wanted you to be aware that even if you open your home to another child you may be faced with the same situation again someday.

God bless you!

Sounds like an answer to a prayer. I say pray and go for it.

I am a mother of three and would not change it for the world. There is never a dull moment and I am certifiably crazy! However, I think the God brings people into our lives for a reason. Maybe that is how you ended up with your oldest son. God knew there would be another so he opened the door. Your two year old will adjust - they always do. Our hearts have the ability to love many.
All our kids are special in their own way. Each one a blessing. I can no longer birth a child - but I tell my children (8, 13, & 16)and husband that if God brings another child into our lives we will gladly accept it.
Just another way to see the situation!
J. M.

sorry I'm late in this response, my computer was acting up. My thoughts on the matter are that if you weren't planning on adopting another child now, that this mothers offer should not effect your decision. Your 4 year old doesn't know of the new baby, and doesn't need to know, if you don't plan on getting it. What if she had 5 more babies, would you adopt them all?? Only adopt if that is what you and your husband wanted to do anyway before the offer, is my opinion.

I have NO experience here, so you can TOTALLY ignore me if I don't make sense :)

Does the 4 year old know about the bio-sibling already? If not, then it shouldn't affect him at all and he doesn't need to know, at least not now. YOU are his mom - the bio-mom didn't raise him.

That said, I think it might help put the decision to adopt #3 into perspective if you thought about it in terms of how would it affect the 2 year old if YOU were pregnant with #3 (instead of someone else). Same difference, I think. Another baby in the family, just delivered rather than "DELIVERED" ;)

I hope that helps and good luck with your decision. Whatever is right for your family will work out.

We have seven biological children. Then later we adopted a little boy, who is now four, and a year later adopted a little girl, who is now five (we are a foster family) Six weeks after we adopted the girl, the family asked us to adopt her full sibling baby brother, who was five months old at the time. Now my husband was SURE we were done, too, just SURE!! But we both knew it was right to let these two grow up together, so now we have already finalized his adoption. They are still young, so I can't tell the outcome, but the other boy, who is four, and right between these adopted siblings, is a joyful, happy little guy with a VERY laid back personality and adored by everyone he meets. He is actually closer to the baby brother than the baby brothers full sibling sister.
My opinion is you should take the baby. I don't think you ever be sorry!!

K.- we adopted our little girl from birth and are now on the waiting list to adopt again. My friend also adopted her little boy and 7 years later got a phone call from the agency that their same birthmom was pregnant again but with a different guy so it's a half sibling. they went ahead and adopted that little girl. I would JUMP at the chance to have another sibling for my daughter...blood or no blood related. I read one person's post that said the "non" blood related boy will feel left out....my question is..do you love your adopted kids as much as you would if you birthed them?? For those of you who haven't adopted before, the answer is YES....blood relation doesn't matter. If you adopt again all 3 kids will have siblings and "blood relation" will NOT play a factor for them. They won't know any difference. The only question is do you want a 3rd child? I think it is an amazing opportunity and I say go for it. You have already been blessed with 2 and now a 3rd is presenting itself to you. Good Luck!!

Hi, K.. When people ask me if I am having any more children, I always say "oh no, one is enough" or "Two is plenty". Now, I have three beautiful, little girls straight from Heaven. I did not plan any of them but, I couldn't imagine life without them. You didn't plan this one but, God has sent him/her to you.

K. -- while I have never adopted, I have to think the decisioning is similar for any couple whether they are adopting or birthing. Do you want a third child? Because you shouldn't take this third child out of guilt or obligation, you should truly want another child. My husband and I always agreed on two. But when my daughters were 12 & 7, we welcomed our third daughter, because we decided we wanted a third child. We had a great life with two, and a great (although somewhat more hectic) life with three!

If the answer is "yes" then go for it! I agree with other posts that it's not just about the blood relationship. If you love your children and they are not your blood, then they will love each other whether there are blood connections because that is the lesson you will teach them. And is it really necessary at this stage to point out to your 4 year old that there is a blood relationship to the third child? Although at age 4 and 2 your boys won't really understand that, at some point they will and maybe it could create issues -- but again, only if you and your husband have made a big deal of it. And I'm not saying to "hide" the truth, just not make a big deal of it.

As for the 2 year old adjusting, it would be the same for any 2 year old who gets a younger sibling. There is always a period of adjustment but in the end it all works out!

Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you and your family. Good luck!

Hi! I've actually heard of this happening quite often! I have a 9 month old whom we adopted. We would jump at the chance to adopt her sibling if that were ever a possibility. Of course, you & your husband MUST agree on this- preserving your marriage & family is obviously the priority. However, I would look at this not as adoptive parents, but just as parents. This to me is just like if you unexpectedly got pregnant. You would certainly keep your child. I hope you both decide to take this unexpected surprise! I' not sure I understand your concern for the boys. If you don't adopt this baby your oldest doesn't have to know you had the opportunity. I hope you will open the door for him to meet his sibling some day, though (our daughter has 3 sisters she will know one day). And are you concerned the youngest won't welcome a baby or that he will feel different because he is not blood related to his siblings? If the latter, your boys are brothers. Period. Blood has nothing to do with anything- your family is built on love. If you had 1 child naturally & 1 adopted they would still be brothers. At least that's how we feel. I will pray for your family while you make this monumental decision. God bless you all!

I think if your family is ready to adopt then do it. I think your two year old would react to the adoption the same way as if the new baby were from any other birth mom.

Your four year old son may have some difficulties one day knowing that his true blood brother/sister had the opportunity to be raised with him in his family and wasn't. It may not effect him now if he doesn't find out about it, but he might find out someday when he is older and it could be very difficult for him then, though these are my own insights.

Just think about it as a family. You did attempt to adopt the little girl, so it sounds as though you have wanted to extend your family.

My little brother was adopted into our family when he was 4 months old (I was about 3), and I would have loved it if we had a chance to add one of his birth siblings as well. We often think about them, but have no idea who they are since he was abandoned on a doorstep in another country.

If you can afford it and want another child, I would do it. You will always wonder about this other child and wonder how his/her life is. At some point, I imagine that your children will search for biological relatives and so they will potentially find this other child in the future anyway - wouldn't it be wonderful if this child were in your family?

Another perspective, I have a really good friend that gave a baby up for adoption when she was 18. Four years later, she married the father of that boy and then had another child which she kept. It tears her apart that she had to give one up for adoption and kept one. And, she worries about how the oldest boy (who is now over 18 and so they have reunited) feels about the fact that she married the father and kept the younger son. I know it is not up to you to make the biological mom feel good, but it will help her heart to know that the two children are together.

I honestly don't think you need to worry about your two year old. He will be loved and be a part of the family.

I am a single parent and had my two children artificially. They are 100% biological siblings, but we know for a fact that there are 12 half siblings out there. I am in touch, via email, with a half dozen of the other moms. And, we have met one of the half siblings and have a good relationship with them. My son knows that he has a "sister" that lives with another mom. But, all of the other parents aren't interested in meeting or getting together. And therefore, my son doesn't know about any of them. It kills me that there are other children out there (particularly brothers) that he can't know. I think you will always feel this way too about a child that you did not take. But, of course, I don't want you to go into the poor house in order to take a child in. You have to consider your situation first and be able to afford and love all three kids.

-L.

I have to agree with the others..this sounds like a blessing being handed to you. Now, this is coming from a mother of 5, so I clearly feel that the more the merrier. But really, your kids are the perfect age for you to have another little one..this one would fit perfectly, vs. if you had teenagers or something. And, I wonder how you would explain to your 4 year old when he is an adult, that you could have adopted this sibling, but chose not to. I cant think it would affect your 2 year old that much really. I would wait until they were older, I think, before I told them that this child was a blood sibling to the older, just to avoid any feelings of favoritism..but I am not speaking from experience on that side of things. I cant imagine how I could not adopt that child honestly, but we dont know your family situation well enough to really make that call. Trust your heart more than your head I say..if we all waited to have children until things were perfect, we would risk extinction!! Prayers and best wishes to you all!! ~A.~

K.~

As I was reading your post, I was thinking only ONE thing! WOW! What a BLESSING!! My dad & step-mom adopted my sister at birth (she is now 26). Two years later, they received a phone call similar to the one you received. The biological mom AND dad of my sister were now expecting a baby boy & wanted to give them the first opportunity to adopt him so that both their babies could be raised together. Unfortunatly, my dad & step-mom chose not to adopt him. That was a decision I believe they came to regret in later years. My sister eventually searched for her brother as he was her only biological family member that she had a desire to know. She has not found him as of yet, but she continues to search!

Only you & your husband can decide what is 'right' for your family at this time, but since you asked for our two cents, I simply see it as a blessing for your family as a whole! I believe your 2 yr old son would adjust just as he would if you & your husband were to have a biological son or adopt another baby that is not 'related' biologically to any of you. I hate the whole 'biological'~ 'adopted'~ 'step' thing anyway. A family, is a family! I have a blended family myself & my son & my three bonus children have been raised together since they were all young. When my son refers to his step-brothers & sister, he doesn't refer to them as 'step'. He says "my brothers" or "my sister"!! And the same goes for them. He is their brother (in their eye's) just as well as the others are! Your children will make of it what you & your husband teach them to make of it ;) You don't have to be 'biological' to be a family! Love is what makes a family!!!!

Bottom line, I just see it as a blessing!!! Say lots of prayers & let God lead!

www.livesayhaiti.blogspot.com

I read this blog, and they have three adopted children. Two of them are full biological sisters, and the younger sister was adopted after the parents were asked by the birthmom. That child is now 2 years old, so you can see what their life is like.

Of course, it's not exactly the same. They live in Haiti and also have 4 biological children, but it still may be helpful to you to see someone in the same type situation.

A.
www.greenbabydiaperservice.com

I was adopted when I was 2. I think in the long run you would be better offnot adopting again from the same mother b/c the bond that your two have now/will have when they get older will not be the same. If one has a full blood sibling. One child is going to feel left out

I adopted my daughter as a single mom. I got married when she was six months old. My husband and I wanted another child but decided we wanted the children to have 'being adopted' in common. We never tried to have a biological child. I would have loved to have had our son be our daughter's biological sibling, however he is not. They are both my children. If we had decided to add to our family I would have preferred to have a child with no biological connections to any of our family. That way everyone is equal, however if I had become pregnant we would have dealt with that also as a family and loved all of our children exactly the same. Pray about it and I'm sure god will lead you to the right decision. By the way my children are now 23 & 21 and very close. I too had a failed adoption before my daughter.

How does your year old know about all of this? And what if your became pregnant? Your 2 year old would adjust.

my personal opinion is that this is a great opportunity for you, however i also feel that you & your husband should want to do this completely and not just because of the situation, you know you shouldnt feel guilt if you do not want to do this just because it is a sibling to your child. also on this note i think that if you do go through with this you should probably talk to the agency & or birth mom about your feelings and let it be known that you cannot just keep taking in children that she has because they are siblings, unless that is what you want to do. but if not you should definately let your feelings be heard. i know a mom who was in this situation and kept taking kids because they were siblings even though she did not necessarily feel that she wanted or was ready for more. so while i think this is great & might be wonderful for your family this is also something you might want to keep in mind.

Dear K.,

What a hard decision. I don't think your 2 year old will have an issue with this in the future if you decide to adopt the full sibling of the older son. We have an adopted son and a biological daughter. The are siblings, blood related or not.
I wish you all the best in making this decision.

Wow, I think you have some great advise about really praying and finding out all you can... (why is the birth mom still with the same guy but they don't keep their kids?... that seems off)

Any way, I am adopted and I have 2 brothers and a sister I never knew about until I was 20. I was crushed when I learned about them because I thought of all the time we missed together as kids. (especialy my sister who is 13 months older than me)...

I am now 35 and I have contact with my siblings but we are not as close as I would like to be. I am so glad that I was raised by my adoptive parents and would not change that at all but the adoption agency never gave them the option to adopt my sister and me together. (my younger brothers were raised by my birth mom) and I was upset that we were not placed together even though my adoptive mom says that back then in the 70's they often did not adopt siblings together....

so... TMALST, I would really consider adopting a sibling of a child as a blessing and a unique opportunity...

HOWEVER, I would seek the advise of an adoption counsler about how to handle the situation because if your younger son is not related to the others then it could cause him to feel left out or like he does not fit. so with the advise of an adoption counsler they could help you with that issue. But no matter what, tell them that they are loved and cherished and wanted and that if they feel like they dont belong, tell them they belong in your family and God wanted them with you and that is why you adopted them.

Good luck!
A. J

I forwarded this post and asked my friend who's adopted two girls from different bio parents. (They're 21 & 18 now.)

Here's my message:

The advice for this person's question needs to come from people who have adopted children. If you were in this situation, and your oldest daughter's birth parents had had another baby, what would you have done if they offered the baby to you after you had your second daughter?

Her response:

I would have wanted to adopt the child. Keeping family together is a great thing. I view it like an oops pregnancy. You work it out.

My two cents (I haven't adopted children, so take this or leave it.):

This is a blessed event, if you want another child. Handle it with sensitivity with your second son, because it will make him a middle child and potentially the odd man out. Giving him lots of individual attention from his parents throughout his childhood may help, and is beneficial anyway. Who's to know whether the third child might become extra close with the middle child?

K.:
while I have not experienced this situation first hand and thus will not offer what I think you should do/consider or how it may/will effect your kids, I will tell you that I have family friends that were in this same situation (mostly): Boy (adopted), then boy (adopted) with a surprise later that was a girl (adopted and bio sib to the second boy). It has worked wonderfully for them: they see the third as a surprise pregnancy (they only wished for 2 as well) and a special gift from God. The only major difference between them and you may be that the oldest child was a bit older at the time (10 or so) and he had already known he was adopted and it was the younger son that was the bio sib.

Hope you can find some great support from people in this situation and can make a descission best for all those around.

Best of luck!
T.

I am an adoptive mom. I also gave birth to two. If my 2 cents is worth anything, I'd say adopt the sibling. Whether you believe it or not, genetics are VERY important. Growing up w/o a bio-sibling is different than growing up with one. My girls are all grown now. I can tell you from my 20/20 hindsight that had we been given that choice, it would have made life much easier. Our adopted daughter could never "see" herself in us or our two bio-daughters. It was a wonderful day when we reunited her to her birth mom and she discovered she had two half-sisters. They are all just alike!! We love them right along with all of ours.

I think what ever you decide will work out. There are a lot of challenges and tough decisions with adoption. This is a very difficult decision. Do what is best for your family right now. I think that is all you can do, because you can't really predict how your children will react as they get older.