Unmarried Pregnant Friend Who's Boyfriend Is Overseas (Army National Guard)...

A lot of people are going to hate me for saying so, BUT...

She needs to marry her boyfriend asap. If she's not married, that chance of "being alone" will always be hanging over her head.

I realize that this won't help her in the short-term as she delivers the child, though.

I'm a pretty liberal person, but the tradition of marriage before kids is there for a reason. We're all moms here. Once you have a child, the situation is pretty permanent. At that point, any "fear of commitment" is moot. You're committed!

Been there done this!!! The military is bittersweet, I have a Love/Hate relationship with it. I was pregnant alone and raise my son alone for the first year. I didn't know if my husband would make it home for the delivery and I didn't beleive that he would until he called me when he arrived to the states. They told him that they would do what they could and arranged his leave for a time frame closest to my due date.... but made no promises. I respected that... he was fighting a war, that was his #1 priority(if it wasn't it could have gotten him killed). Unfortnutly since they are not married she is not immediate family and they don't have to release him for any reason. The only thing that I can say is she needs to be prepared to do this with a family member or a friend and just hope that someting works out. Don't bother the Red Cross, child birth is not considered an emergency and they won't be able to provide any information other than possibly letting him know that she had the baby. It is what it is, he's fighting a war and unfortunatly they have to miss out on REALLY important things sometimes, but they are doing a very important job. I know that as her friend you wish you could do something, but as someone who has been in this situation the best thing that you can do is offer her an ear and a shoulder, but not fuel the fire about the situation. She really needs you to be a strong friend and when my friends brought up the fact that he would miss it, it made me upset and want to pull myself away from them. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck to all of you: )

Is he in a combat zone? What kind of job is he doing overseas? Those things can also affect his availability for her. I hope she doesn't feel abandoned or scared. It happens all the time when you have a military spouse...

I myself am a wife of an Active Duty military soldier. We've been married for almost 10 years. So from what I've learned from all those years, I know that the military does try to support the family. However the military career does require sacrifice on the family side. It is not uncommon to give birth without the military spouse. In fact I didn't have my husband with me when I had the first child. With the second one, I only had him on the day of delivery and one week following the delivery. And a lot of friends of mine whose husbands are military went through the same thing.

Trying to balance a family life when your spouse is a military member is important, but not easy and it's just the way it is. It requires sacrifice...It could be hard the first time around, but hopefully she quickly learns how to emotionally deal with it. Good luck!

I do not know of a loophole, so hopefully someone else with more knowledge on the rules will be able to help there. Even if there a loophole it might be hard to jump through all the hoops by October.

Does she have family or friends around that can be a substitute, who can at a drop of the hat go with her, and be with her from start to finish. I know it is not the same as having the boyfriend/baby's father there but it can be reassuring to have someone to fall back on that she trusts if he can not be there.

Hope some more answers pop up!

Sadly, lots of dads have to miss the birth of their babies while they're deployed, whether they're married to mom or not. My husband spent 18 months in Iraq and his chaplain had a saying: "If the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one." He was joking, but unfortunately it rings true all too often because in the military, the mission always comes first. I volunteer with a great organization, Operation Special Delivery (www.operationspecialdelivery.com), that provides free doula services to women whose partners will be overseas during the birth. It doesn't take the place of dad being there, of course, but it's something your friend may want to look into (there are some income requirements because the doulas are volunteering their services). Best wishes to your friend, and kudos to you for being so supportive!
Sara

I think it is time for her to find a friend or a family member that can be with her. Is it possible for you to be able to do this?

I do not know the rules of the National Guard, but they are a division of the Army which promotes healthy marriages, if it is not a marriage, they do not promote it. Not trying to be harsh.

My sister-in law found herself in this situation. My brother was not allowed home for the birth of his baby, therefore, I was the lucky one to take his place. It was a very sad/happy moment that I will never forget.

I wish your friend all the best but the sad truth is he most likely will not be here. My brother knew people who were denied to return home for funerals and such as well.

I do not mean this to sound harsh, and no negative feelings about the military, but it is what it is.

This very thing happened to me. I am not married to the father of my child who is in the Navy. He is stationed in Virginia and was told all the way up until the month before I was to give birth (this past February), that he would be allowed to come to MN for our son's birth. When he went to request his leave, they told him that since we were not married, he could not leave. Needless to say, I was disappointed. I didn't find any loopholes. Instead, I prepared myself accordingly. I went to prenatal classes with my best friend and had friends on call in case I went into labor when she wasn't around (we were also roommates). I ended up having a ceserean and my sister was there every step of the way and even recorded it. It's not an ideal situation but it will be ok, once she accepts the fact that dad is doing something to benefit the family in the long run :) That's how I looked at it and it made it better. Hope all of that helps.

It's doubtful there's a loophole and even more doubtful that the red cross will intervene. the RC deals with deaths and unexpected medical concerns, not births. It's a common occurance in the military for husbands to miss births.

In the eyes of the military, she does not exist because they're not married. It's the harsh truth. DH used to fly and once the plane had to be brought down immediately because he was having serious problems and pain with his eardrums. Our wedding was in 3 days and one of his buddies asked the commander if they should call me since he was being rushed to the hospital. His response "nope, they're not married yet."

Call the American Red Cross. They can intervene and get him home. They will need specific information such as Battallion number and unit number so it may take a couple of calls. If they can not help they should have advice on how to get him home.

Good luck I hope he is able to get home.