Unplanned Pregnancy on Baby #5 - Ventura,CA

Strangers that see you in public are likely to think you are mormon or devout catholic.

who cares what strangers think.??

We were done at two. We have three. I was happy with the last pregnancy but my husband...not so much. Now, he is so glad #3 is here.

Hugs.

Same situation with me. Was done at 4, was going to get cut but bled so much on 4 that the doctor said to come back for surgery... well, that never happened and so 5 happened. I was a mix of emotions, I wanted to really start focusing on these four kids and less so on me as well (because when you are pregnant there is always a level of caring for myself). I also was looking forward to the 5 years before all the kids were in school and then I could further my degree and work... blah, blah, blah...

Yeah... 3 years later I could not imagine not having my 5th. I actually dread the 2 years I have left with him as his best friend and he'll go to school like all the other kids and craft new best friends. Not to say I'm not all my kids best friend but they don't hang out with me as often and sometimes the older kids don't want to go shopping with me. So as apprehensive as you are, whether it be the first, second or fifth, you will always wonder if you are ready for it and chances are, you will be and will have it no other way.

As for other people's opinion, my sister gets really upset when people comment on her 4 kids. People say things like that too ("Whoa, so how many are you planning on having!?" or "Do you think 5 is enough?!") but I just laugh it off. I love my kids and they are missing out.

((HUG)) I'm sorry that your BC failed. I'm afraid there's always a small chance that it can happen. It is NOT a personal failure! You were doing everything right.

As my rather crude sailor husband once memorably expressed it, "Every time you get naked you roll those dice." My second was unplanned, and there were medical reasons why having any more was dangerous for me. After my son arrived safely (whew!) my husband got brave and got a vasectomy. We realized that BC that is 95% effective really meant a one in twenty chance of failure, and we couldn't take that chance. If you and your husband want to be finished with growing your family, he should consider it. Men are often terrified of the procedure because the idea of letting a sharp object anywhere near those tender parts frightens them, but the truth is that the procedure is quick, and as long as they follow their doctor's instructions, most of the recovery is done in two days.

So, now that you are expecting this little one, it's time to start telling your self and all your family that it is a blessing, so that your private chagrin at an unplanned pregnancy never becomes something that someone in your family with an ungoverned tongue shares with your child. Yes, this is a big deal, and not something you wanted. But this is also a brand new human being human being coming into the world that you are building inside your body. I think it's pretty awesome that we have the power to do that!

One of my best friends had her 5th, also unplanned, a year and a half ago. She was mortified at the time she found out she was pregnant. That baby has ended up being the family clown. She is an absolute delight, and everybody loves her, even the sisters who now sleep three to a room for her sake.

The good news is that we live in a part of the country where large families are celebrated. You won't be judged as irresponsible - most folks will simply assume you're a good LDS family. As for those few who will judge, or worse yet, open their mouths and share their judgement, it really is none of their business, and there would be nothing wrong with saying so if one of those oafs decides to cross boundaries.

You have 8-9 months to get used to the idea. I'm sure you'll feel as many people do that sometimes an unplanned baby turns out to be the biggest joy in your life. (I was unplanned and DH is pretty happy I'm here).

In the meantime, it's nobody's business if you planned to have more or not. You're not obligated to answer such personal questions. When someone tries to pry, just say "what would make you ask something like that?"

Best of luck to you.

Think of surprise #5 as a little blessing from above. Hubs and I said we were done after 2 girls and a miscarriage. Then, surprise, we found out we were expecting #3 after we said we were done. We were content with our 2 girls. Turns out, #3 was our little boy. I never imagined myself as a mom of a little boy, but I can tell you, that it was love at first sight. And that little boy has had my heart since I laid eyes on him. God had a bigger plan (and I by no means consider myself an overly religious person). I honestly believe that the baby I lost was a boy, and that's why we ended up with 3 kids...2 girls and a boy.

Give yourself time to accept the situation. You'll come to peace with it soon, I promise. Congrats!!!

I just want to say congratulations. I know right now the news is hard to take and you're feeling confused, sad, etc, but I truly hope that you're able to be excited and happy by the time you deliver.

Maybe you'll finally get that elusive boy and have a new, exciting adventure.

I'm sorry you're feeling down about it though. I do understand and I know it can't be easy for you.

I have six kiddos. Our 4th and 5th didn't live. I had comment after comment from family mostly. It was so bad that we didn't tell them I was pregnant until 2 months before I was due. I would do it all over again in a heart beat. I was 41 when I gave birth to my youngest. She has been such a joy and has changed our lives forever. I still remember when one of our friends, now just and acquaintance, said to me, "My God aren't you done yet?" I was so shocked that I had a tough time responding. I finally looked at her and said we are very thrilled to be having this baby and asked my kids if any of them would like to tell this lady what kind of baby we were having? I then responded by asking her to pray that this baby would be born healthy because it was very difficult to have to bury children. It shut her up. I feel sorry for this woman because she doesn't understand that my children are my treasures. I have never met anyone who has said they wished they would have had fewer kids. Congratulations! You are having a baby! I am excited for you! I love the smell of babies!!! I love the feel of babies. I doubt we will have any more. I am old now and I no longer have a cycle. It saddens me sometimes.

Be prepared for lots of the comments ranging from why you wanted a 5th child, all the way to if you know what birth control is. That's what my mom got when she got "surprised" at 40, back when NO ONE got pregnant at 40. The nurses at the hospital all thought my dad (who had NO grey hair) was a grandfather.

Whatever tact you decide on, keep it consistent. It's up to you what you say. You can tell them "Yes, we thought we were done, but evidently nature decided differently." Most people have the sense to leave it at that. When you get someone prying for more info, decide if they are good enough friends for you to continue talking about it to, or not. If not, just say something like "Well, like I said, we thought we were done, but evidently nature decided differently." Only an idiot would continue pushing you after you pointedly repeat the exact same sentence. Change the subject from there.

I wish you and your husband the best, I really do. I'm sure it is a shock. I hope the older girls can help you with the baby.

Dawn

I have a few friends that have 5 kids, and one just accidently got pregnant with number 6. At first this friend was upset, she had thought she was done, now she is feeling sad, because this will be her last baby.

If I was 32, i'd have 5 kids. I'm almost 41, so we are stopping at 3, but I seriously would have like 5 of them if I was younger, so I'm jealous you can ;-)

I'm sure you will come to find this 5th to be your little last blessing.

Congratulations :). But it might be time for DH to go have his vasectomy. Like tomorrow.

I admit I'm a kid counter :) When I see big families out and about I always count heads... and then I smile and feel a great joy for that family. I am always in awe of those Mamas who seem to have it all together to me. How else would you get out of the house with 4 or more kids!

I'm 40. If I were 32, we'd surely have at least one more baby (we have 3 kids).

Perhaps, this will be the one boy... who will make a fantastic husband to someone someday - as the youngest of 5 with all sisters.

Good luck! And congratulations!

Congratulations! You shouldn't worry about nosey people and if they have the affront to ask impolite questions, you should have a few handy phrases in mind. Statements like 'babies are a blessing' or my personal go to 'I beg your pardon'. Whatever you say be firm, matter of fact and final. (channel your 'I mean business' mom voice). Some topics are not for public discussion and some folks need reminders of that.

Life is what happens sometimes when you are making other plans.

And if you are done, one of you should take extra surgical steps so that you don't have #6.

Of course you know logically that once the kid is here, you would never want it any other way! Honestly, my SIL had an accidental 5th at age 43. Be glad you are still young! She is their sweetest child, their family would not be the same with out her! My advice, go to your local crisis pregnancy center and talk to a counselor. I think it would do you good to talk with someone who cares and can offer encouragement.

I just want to say that my niece had four girls - expected number five to be the same, BUT got a BOY! You never know!

Don't worry about what others think. They are not caring for your kids or paying your bills, so you don't have to/need to care what they think!

You shouldn't feel too out of place in Utah...very family friendly environment. A beautiful place to raise a family.

Don't feel the need to justify or explain your personal sex life/BC habits with anyone.

I don't understand why you would feel irresponsible..you are married and love your husband and other four children and provide for their physical needs. What a beautiful environment to provide another precious baby. There are millions of children that are not that fortunate!!

Embrace the thought that you have 5 children. We still have all our Christmas cards/photos up all over one of our doors. I love looking at the many shapes,colors and sizes of my friends families. I personally love the pictures that have 4+ kids. I know it has got to be chaotic at times..but what a buttload of fun!!!

We have 3 healthy and happy children...lost 2. In my heart I have 5 ;)

Five is a beautiful number!! Enjoy this new little addition to your already perfect family.

You're just in process mode. You are indeed blessed! Apparently God had different plans than you did! :) I wish you a wonderful, healthy child.
What other people think needs to be the last thing on your mind....

Congratulations! I had four in three years. 3yo, 2yo, 1yo and newborn. We did want it that way. You can imagine what people said to me. I would respond with yes aren't we the luckiest people in the world. Now they are grown with families of their own. It goes so fast. As I write this, I have my beautiful granddaughter sleeping in my arms. Yes we were the luckiest couple around. Yes, there were days that I wanted to pull my hair out, but everyone has days like that. This new baby will tug at your heart strings
From the moment you look into those beautiful eyes.

My husband is the firstborn of five :). My sons love all their aunts!! Congrats on the new little one, I know you will process the shock, bc look at you, you are already raising four, you are amazing! My mom reads these blogs of these large families and gets such a kick out of the different kinds of moms and all the antics the kids cause! When I was having my third I got a few snarky comments like, 'don't you know what causes this?' I never did it but I always wanted to say, 'yeah, but we're so darn good at it!!' Now as a mom of soon to be five, I vote you have the right to use any and all zippy comebacks to any silly comments people make! Hang in there, as everyone said, this little one will soon be your squishy baby cooing at you and you wouldn't be able to imagine life differently :)

Birth control fails all the time. I have two friends whose first children were born without "trying" because the Pill failed. 99% effective means that 1% of the time, it is ineffective.

I absolutely hear what you are saying and you are completely NORMAL for feeling the way that you do. Remember that you have 9 more months to prepare and accept the situation. Others will comment because it's unusual to have such a large family, but you do NOT have to explain or justify. If someone says something that you find offensive, respond with "we are wrapping our heads around this too, so please don't make it more difficult". If that doesn't shut their trap- walk away. You don't need to placate others...

Just make sure to talk with your OBGYN about having something "permanent" done. Whether you have a tubal ligation or your husband goes through the procedure, you obviously get pregnant very easily and need to be "done" permanently this time!

Good luck and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.

I know how you feel, really. Our two youngest (of four total) were conceived on the pill. Our youngest was conceived literally on the the day that my husband's vasectomy appointment was scheduled, but it was re-scheduled by the doctor's office for a later date (too late LOL!). I remember getting a "three peas in a pod" necklace for Mother's Day (having no idea that I was already pregnant) and being all smug about how we had our perfect family and it was so good to know we were done, blah blah blah. In reality, my youngest is the most universally likeable and easy going of all of my kids and I can't imagine our family without him.

The thing is, most people understand and won't judge you. I don't blab about my reproductive choices to the whole world in real life, but throwing out the "boy were we shocked!" or "we thought we were done but apparently God had other plans" usually gets the message across.

Congrats, I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy, and tell your husband to go get himself snipped! If you're really done now, time for him to man up and take one for the team.

Well I think it is awesome!!! if I hadn't started having kids so late in life...I would to have loved a bigger family.

You will adjust to it...my mom and dad both were very much surprise babies...both born years after their closest sibling.

I am sending you a great big HUG!!

Ya know, people in my husband's family judged us when we went from 2 to 3, and laughed hysterically a few weeks ago when we announced that we're having baby #4. With the birth of baby #4, we will officially have the largest family in his family since his grandparents' generation. My own grandmother told me at her 90th birthday party, as she met my 3rd baby, "Ok, honey, no more now. You're done." She happened to have 3 kids, my dad being their "accident."

I think that oftentimes people joke about large families because those who are poking fun realize that THEY would never be able to handle it.

Do you live in Utah, as your profile suggests? If so, I wouldn't expect having a family of 5 would cause too many mouths to drop.

You're a married woman with 5 kids--there's nothing irresponsible in that, unless you can't care for the ones you already have.

Congratulations! This LO was just meant to be.

I just think it's hilarious that you're living in UTAH and wondering what people are going to think about your massive five child family. Welcome to Utah. Everyone either comes from a family of seven, or they ARE a family of seven, or eight, or nine........
Congratulations on your upcoming family of seven status ;) Don't let what other people think bother you. The only opinions that should matter with this are what your immediate family thinks (and yes, I really mean that it shouldn't matter what your extended family thinks). You are the one that is going to do the work - why should anyone else's input be relevant?

PS - I've known plenty of people that have said "Oh no, we're done" and then gotten pregnant. Don't let it bother you. You are blessed that you are able to have the children you do. Many mothers I know ache for that.

It is your body and your family. It is no one else's business really. Having said that, I admit that 5 kids always makes me look at families hoping to see signs they are adopted. But, you don't have to meet my expectations for you or anyone else. So, look consider a more certain fix. I am personally the child born to a mom AFTER tubal ligation so even that is not 100% but they are better about it now than they were in the 60s. Consider you or him getting those tubes tied and enjoy your family.

Congratulations!!!!

If it makes you feel any better

- I wanted 5+ kids
- My son was conceived 10 years "early" (we were planning on waiting until our early 30's
- We were using 3 forms of birth control (condoms, spermicide, ThePill).

* I firmly believe BC is a prayer. "Dear God, I would prefer not to get pregnant right now."

* No form of BC is 100% outside of abstinence
- IUDs (copper) & tubal libations have the same failure rate
- Vas Deferens grow back

I'm sure you're in shock.
You are processing the information right now.

Sometimes the unexpected blessings are the BEST blessings!
Congratulations!

I'm not sure how to say this diligently, but 1. why is it anyone's business if #5 was planned or not, and 2. (and this is the stickier thing to say, which I actually mean in a supportive way, I promise!) I think that most people who see someone with 5 kids would assume that all (or most) of the kids were planned OR there was a social (oftentimes religious) reason for not actively preventing the pregnancies. To be honest, my response when I see someone with 5 kids is about the same as it is for 4 (wow, that's a lot of kids.... awesome for them!); for me, the critical jump is from 3 to 4 (i'm one of 4, as is my dad, but the idea of having 4 kids myself sends panic into my heart). :)

anyway, i haven't been in your situation, but i wanted to address your concerns about other people's peceptions (which, of course, shouldn't matter, but often sneak into our lives anyway). no one needs to know any of the history of #5's conception (inc. if there was bc or not) unless you want them to know, and strangers won't always make the assumptions you might expect. try not to worry about others; focus on you, baby, and the rest of your family (coughcough, and screw everyone else and their judgments, coughcough).

congratulations, and i hope you're able to enjoy this pregnancy thoroughly! good luck, mama!!

JP,
People will judge you no matter what you do. Try not to worry about it and focus all your energy on your husband and kids.
I had my 3rd baby unplanned, I wouldnt change anything for the world, but having another child after that was not an option for me.
It sounds like permanent sterilization is the way you need to go.
Good luck, and congrats on your new blessing!

I LOVE BIG FAMILIES! I have always wanted 5 kids - seriously!

I promise, give yourself a few weeks and you will be so overjoyed with the idea of another you won't even care what other people think or say! You shouldn't anyway!

You know what most people are probably thinking? How on earth does that mama have it so together? She has 4 girls and is pregnant with a fifth and she has it more together than me with ____kids!

Seriously - enjoy this - you won't regret it!!!

(ps - if you don't mind me asking, when you say diligent use of BC, what does that mean? When I say that to others, I mean that I never miss a day of my pill or if I do I take it immediately, and that I take the pill at exactly the same time every night. I am just curious what you think diligent use is, because I could very easily end up like you if I am doing what you were! I hear lots of women say they don't understand how this happened when they were on BC)

Congratulations!! I am a full believer that if God wants you to have another child, you'll have another child, BC or not. Obviously this child was meant to be, and who knows what wonderful things this child may attain in life? YAY!!!

And for those who ask if you are done...it's really no one's business. You will care for this child the same as you do for the first four!!

Maybe you feel so different because this one is a boy? :) Given time I am sure you will be just as excited as you were with the other 4 kids. God apparently planned for you to have another child.