Untrustworthy Disappearing 3 Year Old

Sounds like he likes the attention he gets from doing these things. I guess
I would not respond in a loud, angry way (I know after a while it gets old and
you can lose it). Just take him by the hand and into a time out. Just do
not react at all. Worth a try. Good luck! Three year olds like to test the
boundaries.

M daughter is like this. She is the ultimate thief too. She can take a marker from under your nose and be gone in about two seconds.

The helpful things that we have found are:

Use a child leash when you go out. Ignore the other people's looks. Your child is safe and you are sane... who cares what they think? My daughter was actually happier with her leash because she knew where her boundaries were without getting in trouble.

She gets one chance to stay with us at the grocery store and after that she rides in the cart or the stroller. She cried at the beginning, but we stuck to it and now she just accepts it.

At home, we set up a child's playroom with a child proof gate. She can play with anything in there without getting in trouble. It is her room and her stuff, so I can shut the gate and use the bathroom without panic. She is getting more respectful of the boundaries, but it is taking time and boat loads of patience.

Good Luck

My youngest brother was like this. He's 7 years younger than me. More often than not, I was in charge of him! But even when my parents were watching him, it's NO ONE'S fault, he's just 'that kid'...

Places he's disappeared and where we found him:

*West Point, NY, other brothers hockey game: last seen: coloring in brown crayon on the plexiglass. Found: In the PROFESSIONAL hockey players locker room (they were about to make him the mascot).

*Ocean City MD, Assateague Island National Campground, last seen: Sleeping in the pop up trailer. Found: 9 blocks down the main road, riding his tricycle down the yellow line with his little orange flag waving; told the coast guard that found him 'I'm going to see Aunt Dee' (who lives in CHARLOTTEVILLE, VA!!!)

*Ringwood New Jersey, Ringwood Elementary School soccer field: last seen IN HIS STROLLER next to mom. Found: in the cafeteria, on top of a table (we still don't know how he got in; the janitor, who's kid played on my team, had to let my parents in).

*Richmond, VA (he's an adult now): last seen: backing out of my parents driveway. Found: UPSTATE NEW YORK. He got SO lost, kept driving, ended up in upstate NY, got MORE lost on the way back, stopped in Philly, eventually made it to Alexandria, VA, where I told him to STAY PUT!! until I got there; had him follow me home.

These are extreme examples, but heart stopping none the less. He's a great kid, he just has a history of LEAVING and GETTING LOST ;) He's fantastic! Out of all the bad things that COULD HAVE HAPPENED, none of them did (thank god!) and he's fine ;)

My boy was a runner at 3 and into everything! In the blink of an eye he could make a monster mess. He has settled down quite a bit now at 5, but it took a lot of stern discipline and a whole lot of patience on my part. I'll be praying for you!

Time outs and toy removals are super ineffective on most kids, especially difficult ones. Why would he care that he has to "sit somewhere specific" for a bit? What's so scary about that? Toy removal? He's probably got lots of other comforts left over unless you're stripping the whole house (which I don't recommend because it still wouldn't work unless he was older). Lack of a small luxury is not a serious reckoning to a 3 year old. Their attention span is too short to care about the toy for long. Cleaning up his messes is A) NOT FIRM and B) NOT a consequence. We all clean up our messes, even after an accident, and with a good attitude. You still need a predictable firm consequence to quickly deter the future episodes for intentional wrong behavior after a warning. When you warn him before an activity not to act out, he should understand completely it will be in his best interest to mind that warning.

You know these things: He's capable of being good and hes really smart. If you are effective with his discipline, he will learn what is allowed.

I have a 3 year old boy who has always been firmly and calmly disciplined (therefore rarely) but he has that tendency too to sneak off and get away with stuff like any other spunky 3 yo boy. His favorite thing was to go into a bathroom (furthest one from people of course), turn on the sink water and make a mess. He was sneaky, and of course the water bills were getting up there. It took consistent discipline, but he now gets that he's not allowed to sneak into the bathroom and play in the sink, and he doesn't. He would never act out at play dates or other people's homes.

You don't have to watch your son every second, he is old enough to understand rules and be trusted. This will build his confidence once he quits getting away with bad behavior.

Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson and don't delay. Some of this behavior you are mentioning is REALLY bad, and he's being very intentionally defiant of you and others. He IS old enough to understand AND control this. Don't teach him life works this way by allowing it any longer. Calm, clear, consistent, FIRM.

Perhaps instead of punishing him (which might be giving him too much attention) you can switch to natural consequences. Dump something on the floor? Here's a dustpan and brush, go clean it up. Sneaking a snack and eating somewhere besides the kitchen? I guess the snack it too tempting, we'll have to throw them away and not buy anymore until you can follow the rule. Dump all the toys? Let's put them back, and if that's too hard then you have too many so lets bag up most of the toys, put them in the attic and you'll have just a few to play with for now. Be matter-of-fact and non-emotional. Don't get upset, don't yell, don't call him bad or naughty or anything like that.

If none of that will work, then get the book The Kadzin Method for Parenting Your Defiant Child. You'll have to work on one thing at a time and practice what you WANT him to do instead of telling him what NOT to do. For instance - when you have a playdate and mommy is getting snacks ready, you sit at the table and (play with the etch a sketch, do a small puzzle, set out some napkins...whatever positive, calm, non-messy behavior you can give him so that he's not off in some other part of the house wreaking havoc). Then you practice doing this and give him over-the-top praise and points. After earning so many points in a day, he gets some kind of little trinket or privilege as a reward. I'm simplifying the process and leaving out some important steps but do check out the method. It works really well for changing specific problem behaviors even in really intractable kids.

tehehe, I love your post!

1) Yes, my middle son was an Olympic Escape Artist. He is now 17. If I had to fit that early behavior into his now teenage personality, I would have to say it's because he's a DOER. He's still busy busy busy. He also has a great sense of humor and is def the least self involved of all my kids.

So, I haven't read any of your responses, but I've probably tried all of them. The phase did not last past kindergarten when he became more interested in social interaction with other people and kids than stealing off into the night to wreak havoc.

Enjoy him!

:)

well, you could have just been talking about my Alex. I would not say that my son is typical, he was really delayed at age two, I was in much denial at the time until it was gently pointed out by my sister. We had a lot of help from Parents as teachers, from first steps, then from the Ozark Center and also from a slew of therapists. My son has been diagnosed with pdd-nos, and also ODD.
Now I am by no means saying that just because everyday of my life with my son sounds like what you just described means your son also has anything similar, just wanted to assure you, that you are not alone.
There are all kinds of kids in the world, all unique little individuals. Some people are blessed with what I call good kids, and by that I mean no insult...I love all my kids but my daughter is what I secretly refer to as one of the good kids, she is well behaved, usually sweet tempered has an agreeable disposition, that does not mean I love my youngest son any less, although some days I will say he wears me out.
Advise...
go back to the basics...baby proof. You know what he is capable of, try to lesson what he CAN get into. We all know as parents we just cannot watch our child every moment of the day. I have door alarms on doors, maybe that is a bit extreme...but if you have ever been embarassed and frightened at having a two year old returned to your home by a stranger...well you do what you have to do...my son is an escape artist.
Be up front with parents that you go to play dates on. Let them know to be extra vigilent.
This may be something that passes in time, or you may have an extra inquisitive child for many years to come.
My mom laughs when I go on and on about the things Alex does because apparently I was quite the dare devil myself, apparently by the age of two I could even climb to the top of the refridgerator...that is one of my safe spots with ALex, so far he has not been that much of a climber = )
This is not a reflection on you as a parent, although my mom is also the first one to say why weren't you watching him? when I relate a story...goodness knows I have to go to the bathroom sometime = )
I wish I had great advice for you, something that would really help in your day to day frustrations...but maybe knowing you are not alone helps?
IF you think there may be any issues besides just being unnaturally curious I highly recommend speaking with your pediatrician, as they can sometimes shed light or reassure us.
I will say that the idea that my son dumps out bottles of shampoo or squeezes an entire tube of toothpaste, or dumps out all the flour, sugar, salt...etc ( yes he has done all of this and more) I do NOT think he is being naughty...and maybe some moms think that is silliness on my part...but I do not think we should punish children for being curious and or for getting into something when they had an opportunity that was not being supervised. Do they understand at this age? Maybe some, otherwise why do they wait until we aren't watching? I do not know...I am not a child psychologist, just a mom...= )
I will say having consequences is different from punishment...as long as it is something the child can understand. Am I going to say that I have never broke down and spanked my son for the some of the things he has done? No...but I also have not seen that spanking has ever been an effective deterrent ( at least not for my son) all kids are different, you will find a way that works or at some point he may miraculously outgrow it = )
I wish you luck.
( he will end up ok)
Sorry for the long post, just very passionate about issues that hit so close to home.

I totally agree with Elboe B''s suggestions: a leash, sitting in the shopping cart, and a play gate to prevent him from leaving his room or whatever room he is in. Of course he won't like these restrictions, but he will be safer, you will have less stress, and he may actually see he has to change his behavior.

And when he complains you can tell him that HE chose these restrictions by his behavior and that as he gets better at listening and staying where he should he will (gradually) get more freedom.

You said he just turned 3, so I'd say this is somewhat normal behavior. I usually find around 18 months on up they are hard to supervise b/c they are more active (can walk, run, etc.) and curious. It's obvious that the consequences are not working for these problems. Here is a small bit of advice, but you know each child is differen, each family is different, and you'll just have to figure out what works for you. Sounds like you are a great mother! I put a child lock on my pantry b/c my little one was getting in there to get snacks, etc. Just one of those knob covers so he can't get in there. For a while, I had them on all my exterior doors b/c he'd try to go outside unsupervised. I also put one on my bedroom door for a while b/c I'd put him to bed and he'd sneak out of his room and get into my bed. You can try using those and keeping bedroom doors/pantry doors closed to he can't get in there. I'm assuming you have child locks on the kitchen cabinets that need to be locked (ones with medicines, cleaning supplies, etc.) You may also need to put them on your makeup drawer. Obviously you can't take all that with you when you go somewhere, so you'll have to come up with a plan for being out. I HATE these things, but you could use a child leash when at someone's house if he keeps leaving the approved room to play in? Good luck!

Just saw that he knows how to take the child locks off the doors. Another idea is to use the type of locks that flip over and that are attached high. Our old house had one on the front door so our kids couldn't get out without us knowing! You can also use a towel or wash cloth over the top of a door, and then when you pull it closed it makes it VERY hard to open. That may be enough to keep the door shut?

Some of your stress could be from having a 3 year old and a 1 year old?!! Thats just my opinion bc I have a 3 year old son and an 18 month old daughter and Im stressed a lot of the time! At home I made his room child proof and I shut other doors or put baby gates up so he is limited to the rooms he can destroy! I will not leave my house by myself with both kids unless Im planning on them not getting out of the vehicle. We either wait for daddy to get home to go places or I have my sister go with me because 2 toddlers is A LOT of work! I would suggest trying to control his boundries for example lock doors to rooms he shouldnt be in etc. I felt a little guilty about this at first bc I didn't want him to feel like he only has a small area that he can play in but he has his room, the hallway he can run up and down, and the living room. I figured if he was in day care he would be in one room for the day so that made me feel better! lol When I go to other peoples houses I'll actually shut their doors so my kids won't enter rooms they shouldn't. I figure that is less rude then my kids destroying their bathroom! I also try to entertain them in one area, sit down with them and a toy while socializing etc. Hopefully you will find a way to manage a less stressful relationship with him!! But know that someday it will pass! That's what I tell myself everyday!! haha

I'd call this pretty normal boundary-pushing. Yes, they ended up okay.

Get a leash. We actually used an old necktie and tied it around my son's middle, under his arms. Use it as a disciplinary measure. If he runs off and gets into trouble, he has to be on the leash, because you don't trust him. Be sad and disappointed, but not angry.

When he does behave well, make a huge big deal about how proud you are of him. Be melodramatic. Brag on him to your friends.

Your goal is to put some very powerful associations in his mind that responsibility=freedom and a proud parent. Poor choices=being restrained and disappointed mommy.

Speaking as an ADD person, this also sounds kind of ADD. I remember as a child making impulsive actions that surprised me and were truly not preceded by thought. That doesn't mean that he *can't* control his impulses. It does mean that he may take a lot more time to learn how, and will need lots of patience and support during the years of learning.

Good luck.