My husband and I have been separated for over a year now. We are not yet divorced but are seeking a divorce. I know that technically dating should wait until we are divorced but I am not really worried about that aspect. What I'm worried about is that I just found out that my husband is dating someone that he has been dating for a few months and he wants to introduce our two year old daughter to her. I am having issues with this on many levels. I have talked with him and told him that I don't approve of including her in on his dates and that it's not fair to allow our daughter to get emotionally involved with someone that may not be around for the long haul. I don't think he has gotten my point and was hoping some of you might be able to offer ideas of how I could get him to understand that at this time it is not necessary to include our daughter in his relationship. He only has our daughter about 10% of the time to begin with and I really feel that it is in her best interest that she get Daddy's undivided attention during the little amount of time she does have with him. Dad has told me that he has already introduced his oldest daughter from a previous marriage to the girlfriend and the girlfriend's daughter. That tells me that he is not all that concerned about how dating might affect his children. Additionally, he has told me that the girlfriend is not keen on the idea of he and I doing things together with our daughter. This concerns me as he and I are connected to life now that we share a child and anyone in either of our lives needs to be able to accept that. Anyway, sorry about the rambling. I am especially interested in ideas that are more along the lines of the way a man thinks to try to get him to see my point.
Thank you,
D.
My husband and I originally seperated under the intentions of still trying to work things out between us, this is why we still aren't divorced. We have just recently been working on the divorce. Next, I found out about the girlfriend because I caught him in a lie. He was not ready to discuss dating other people with me but had to because he was caught. He informed me that he was not trying to date someone and that it just accidentally happened, whatever that means, and that he was not looking for something serious or commited at this time. That is why I am concerned about my daughter's involvement. If he should continue to date this woman and in the future decide that he is ready to move to the next level in the relationship I would be all for including my daughter in their lives together. Finally, I have had a very open relationship with my first husband and his wife. I even attended their wedding and spent weekends at their house. I also tried to make it a point to include my step daughter's mother in her life by inviting her to my home for different things. I have never shown my current husband any reason to think that he could not do things with his oldest daugther and her mother. I think that is important for the child. I hope this helps some as I did fail to leave some of this information out.
you are on hit. DFating is not engaged. Tell Dad to slow down, that he is wrong for having someoner before you're even divorced. Not a very good example to set. 10% is nothing and tell him to focus on spending more quality time with the kids on his own first
We all know that men think with the wrong head. Sorry!! That was tacky. Anyway. The fustration is just going to drive you crazy. I come from divorded parents and have gotten one myself. It is an enivitable situation.The dating thing that is. He needs to take gradual steps( that you can also set in your divorce papers). No overnights at her house!!! Or her at his. Your littel girl does not need that confusion. He definetly does not need to be having any contact with his girlfriend( smooches, holding hands, butt pats, ect) in front of her. She does not even understand, or is she going to for a long time that you are not "together anymore". Like the possible age of 10! He as a father needs to look at the moral aspects that he is teaching his daughter it is okay to be with someone else while with someone else. As far as you guys atttending things together, that will be his choice if he wants to let some bimbo control him. My ex just got a divorce from his second wife b/c this was an issue with her. It is also an issue with my new husband. He will also be getting his walking papers if his attitude doesnt change. You CAN NOT let anyone come between the fact that you two are her parents and nothing can change that. Ask him to please not let another woman control your childs fate!! Stay as close as possible for her sake!! I am so experienced in this matter(painfully so). Good luck. It is so tough but you will work it out.
D.:
The big red flag is that girlfriend (of only a few months), not approving of the two of you spending time with your child. First of all, she has no place even saying that. Second, it just gives a hint as to what type of personality she has. You and your ex have a child together and will slways be part of her life. As a matter of fact, a childs adjustment to divorce is much higher, when the parents remain friends (a fact that you can mention to your husband). In my practice, I advice couples (of divorce) that when they start dating, do not include the children until the are in a serious relationship of at least 6-9 months. It is too hard on the children to bring women/men in/out of their lives.
A. L
Hi D.,
I've actually been on both ends of this spectrum. Wow, it's not easy for any age child when their parents begin to date other people. There is never a good age, but at two she will become extremely attached to anyone who she sees on a regular basis. My hubby and I have been married for 15 years. My oldest daughter did not meet him until I knew that he was serious and would be a great father to her. She asked him to adopt her. Have you asked your soon to be ex if he's serious about this woman, if so, then there's no problem for them to meet. I don't care if someone sees their child 10 or 90% of the time, they are that child's parent and if they are a loving parent and not abusive to the child then they have a right to see that child. Maybe your ex is trying to see how the kids and girlfriend "fit together". Which that is important to you as well, you don't want your child miserable. The more you accept the situation the more she will look at it in a positive light. Our children imulate their parents and they can tell when you're upset even if you're not "showing" it.
Now as for the girlfriend not wanting you and he spending alone time with the child, she doesn't have a say in that until she's married to him. BUT, once that marriage happens, she has a right to be at functions for your daughter as well. So it's important that you two get along or at least tolerate each other. This woman could be a great support for your daughter! We just don't know. I've been a step mom also...it's a tough spot to be in, but it can work if the adults decide to make it work! I'm not so sure that I would've been keen on the idea of alone time of my husband with his exwife. Look at it from both sides. Any way you look at this situation, the adults HAVE to compromise and agree to disagree sometimes and DON'T put the kids in the middle. I'm watching my step sister's little 5 year old daughter struggle through her parent's divorce. She is hurting badly and comes to her g'pa's house and doesn't want to leave. Not because she's abused by either parent, but because g'pa's house NEVER changes; it's her sanctuary. Divorce sucks and there will always be adjustments to be made. Good luck, I'm afraid there are no easy answers!
When my husband and I were dating, he didn't introduce me to his daughter until we got serious and were thinking about a future together and she was 7 yrs old then, but I would think it would really be rough for a 2 yr old since they are really still babies and think of all women as mommies. I agree that since he doesn't have his 2 yr old daughter that often, he should keep their visits separate from his dating life. BUT I asked my dh what he thought and he said you can suggest that you would rather he didn't have your daughter around the girlfriend, but if he doesn't see it that way, then ask that he think about your daughter's age and treat her (the girlfriend)as just a friend while your daughter is with them. That she could probably handle, but not someone else trying to be her mommy or possessive of her daddy. Sorry if this not much help.
I have to been sepperated before. I understand your concern. I would first look at the situation at hand. Why aren't you guys divorced yet... Is there something holding you back from signing those papers. Life happens and we can not explain some of the things that guys do. I think they don't understand feelings at all. Your two year old might be very confused by the situation, but at the same time it's going to happen sooner or later. Is he serious with this new girlfriend? It might be more serious than you think, that maybe why he wants her to meet your daughter. It also shows that he cares and wants to include both of his girls in his life. At least he talked about this with you and you can work through the problems or feelings that may occur.
The problem of every divorced mother!! I am one as well, I am remarried now but know exactly what you are talking about. My ex has gone through so many women and some of them stayed the night while the kids were there too, he heard about that. One time I found out that my son slept in the same bed with the 2 of them, he is used to sleeping with his dad when he is there, and I cam unglued. It is very hard, because you do not want your children to get attached to someone who might not be around like you said and then be upset about it, that has happened to my kids. I have come to the conclusion the hard way that there is not much I can do as unfortunate as it is. What kind of a woman is this that she has a problem with the two of you doing things together with the child, I am sure that it doesn't happen all the time, I would be happy if it were my boyfriend that he was wanting to be involved with his daughter...she is going to have to accept that you and the little girl come with this guy. I would love to talk to you more about this as I have been thru alot with my stupid ex. Write me back if you want!
unfortunately once you make the big move of getting separated/divorced, you lose alot of control in these areas. It sounds like his life as a father isnt as important to him as his love life, which is very sad, but there isnt much you can do. If the girlfriend is that jealous already and cant handle the fact that you're in his life and will always be because you share a child, then you're right, she may not be around long, and worse, may be nasty to your child because of that insecurity while she is around. There may be something legal you can do, my sister is going through a divorce and her lawyer seems to hint that there was, I'd look into it
Wow! We have a lot in common! I have 2 children by 2 different fathers. My 6 year old I had when I was 16 by my high school sweet heart. We did not stay together after she was born. He has now gone on to have 2 more children by 2 more young ladies. It has been very hard for me - but even harder for my daughter. My daughter has been left by many people on her life. She was only 6 months old when my ex husband and I started dating - so when he left over a year ago it was pretty hard on her. And her father's 2 ex-girlfriends have since left him, so that has also played a toll. Enough to where she is now in counceling because she is constantly worried about the people in her life and if they will always be in her life. I think that your time with your child should be your time with your child - not including all sorts of different people. Your daughters father probably thinks that he will be with this woman for a long time so he wants to introduce them - but there is no way to tell if they will always be together. I also believe that someone has to EARN the right to be introduced to my kids!!! But I also know that my daugthers father (and my ex husband) will do as they wish - I can only encourage them to do the right thing. So I constantly remind my daughter that no matter what I and her father will never leave her. It's good to have good communication with your ex (or soon to be ex) - or things will never get accomplished! If she is going to be involved with you daughter I suggest setting up a meeting with everyone. I did this with my oldest daughters dad and his latest girlfriend (when they were still together) to just make sure everyone was on the same page (scheduling, disciplining, ect.)
I hope maybe some of this will help. I know this is a hard thing to deal with! (I've been through it NUMEROUS times!) It almost feels as someone is taking over YOUR place. If you would like to talk about it more I'd be happy to because I know how hard it can be!!! Good luck!!
