Update on Vent About Sister Borrowing Money

Ya she will call and talk to you again when she needs another $20. Tell her you love her but you do not have it. I have a bother who called and asked for $200 yesterday. I was speechless and could only respond with laughing. I did not mean to be so juvenile but it's all that came out. He actually sent me all his bank info to wire it to him. I never responded and he has not called me back.

BUT he sent his girl friend a text (sent it to me by accident) telling her they can go Kayaking after all. That he loved her and will see her later. That they will have a fun little get a way. BAHAHAHAHAHHAA...... oh not they wont. Not on my dollar.

He is 58 years old, left his wife, got a new gf.....spends all his money on her. Lies about everything now. Now he wants mine! Bahahaha.

L.,

My first thoughts are time and distance. You have to give this time. You've been in a pattern with her for a long time, and now, you're changing that pattern. She doesn't like the result, so she is going to do what she can to draw you back in to the old, comfortable, familiar pattern. Resisting this pull is hard, but over time, and if you put some physical distance between you and your sister, it will get easier.

In all the times past when you've helped your sister, you've done it with the hopes that it would be beneficial to her, that she'd get herself together and not have the same problems on a continuing basis. But that didn't happen, and now you are left grieving for the relationship that you'd hoped you could have with your sister. Despite all your best intentions and help, your sister didn't change. That's not your fault; it's not under your control. It's natural to be sad about that; she's your sister, and you love her. But there is nothing you can do to make her change and deal with her problems, whatever they are, unless she takes those steps herself. It's sad to see a loved on struggle, but you cannot live her life for her. So, some of this is just you coming to terms with that and dealing with the feelings of loss that you're left with.

By giving yourself time to sit with these feelings, recognize them, and put them in perspective, you will come to acceptance. Putting some distance between you and your sister will also help with that because you'll see how good it feels for you to not carry the burden of being responsible for your sister's happiness.

Give yourself the time and space you need. That's how you limit this kind of behavior from affecting you so deeply.

I truly wish you strength with this.

J. F.

Hi L.,

I think one thing that helps to give some perspective and distance is to try to look at this objectively.

This hurts right now, but it is not about you. It's about her. And you wish she would care enough about you and your good opinion not to overstep her boundaries. You wish she would see that your children have the right to keep whatever money they have instead of bailing auntie out. It's okay to wish this, but the fact is that your sister may really have deeper problems than what you are meant to deal with. She needs to want to address her own problems in a constructive way. If she is repeatedly asking you for money, it sounds like she isn't really doing anything productive with the help and resources you have previously offered.

If you have helped her out in the past and nothing's changed, be sad but feel some freedom.

This isn't about you, it's about her.

I found that acceptance helped a lot when I was in similar situations. It hurts to see someone struggling, and it hurts equally when that struggling person acts like *we* are the main cause of their grief. What I found which helped me deal and accept the situation with people like this was a book called "Trapped in the Mirror". It deals with narcissistic parents most directly, but also describes people who are stuck like this to a tee. It helps us to understand with more objectivity the actions of people who are highly manipulative. To seek resources; there are boards and forums specifically for dealing with family similar to this which share ideas about how to have good boundaries and make hard choices, and it's usually supported by people who deal with this sort of dynamic themselves. Everybody's situation is at least slightly different, but the atmosphere is very supportive and well-moderated. (Moderators often also offer resources they have found to be useful. )

It's hard to let go and stop 'helping' that person out, but it's also the sane choice. Doing the same thing again and again didn't affect any change. Know that you did what was right for your family and that it was hard. And you did it. :)

Hi L.. I think that if you get angry at her for having the GAUL to act like this to you, it will help you get over being hurt. Your husband is right - this IS a good break from her.

She is like a toddler having a tantrum because she can't have her way. She needs to learn that treating you like this, demanding whatever she has no right to and then having a pouting fit and tantrum will NEVER get what she wants and will make it so that you don't want to see her. Rather than it being HER who isn't talking to you, instead, look at it as you are taking a break from her.

I think it bothers you because you pretty much have to face up to the fact that she was only using you.
Since she can't use you anymore she wants nothing to do with you.
With all that comes with being sisters and family - all she wanted you for was for money lending - and that hurts.
Being used I think would make anyone angry and the anger is what you need to hang onto at least for awhile.
You are a nice person with many great qualities - you don't deserve to be treated like this - not by anyone much less a sister.
So don't feel bad about the boundary you have established.
She has a lot to learn - although she may never learn it.
My guess would be that she's very busy right now looking for someone else to use in your place.
If she finds a replacement, then she'll continue with her same irresponsible financial habits.
What ever she does - you have stepped off her merry-go-round and have better things to do.
Eventually you will feel better and more confident that you have done the right thing.

She probably knows it bothers you and that is why she is taking this route. She still hopes you will cave.
I can understand why it bothers and upsets you. Especially if you are a "people pleaser", like me....I just cannot stand it if someone is mad at me, even if I KNOW they are the ones who did wrong and they are mad because I laid down a boundary. This is something I really need to work on and find peace with because I feel like guilt just runs my life. I know lots of people who don't ever feel guilt at saying no or upsetting someone, I think that would be so freeing!
My mom is going through something similar with her sister, who she used to be super close to. Her sister will hardly speak to her because my mom first got a new job that changed her schedule (so they no longer can drive together to visit their father) and then my mom moved to a new city to be near her grandkids. How silly is it that her sis thinks that the silent treatment is appropriate to "punish" her for making these choices! What does she think, that doing this will make my mom change her mind? I try to tell me mom (and will tell you the same thing) to try to keep busy and put your focus elsewhere. Keep your life full with people who enrich it. You will find that over time, the space your sis and her antics take over in your life will get smaller. If you feel like therapy, or on a smaller scale, reading some books on manipulation and boundaries will help, please do so. In the end, just keep remembering that you are not wrong here. You are protecting your family, and you are trying to help her by not enabling her. She might not ever get that. But a normal person would hear "no" and move on, say "Oh, well thanks, I will figure something else out, sorry to bother ya", Not keep pestering and then punish you for not bending to her will. She is the one who has a problem, not you. Good luck!

L.:

She is using her silence as a way to "bully" you. DO NOT let this get to you.

how do you stop letting it bother you? Fill your time with other things. You have done the right thing. You helped when you could. However, now it's EXPECTED. You are only enabling her.

As harsh as this sounds - she doesn't see you as a sister. She sees you as an ATM machine. So she will not have to grow up. I wonder if that will help you see it more clearly. As much as you love her, she equates "love" with helping her....and you are helping her by saying NO!

Stay strong. I am truly sorry this is happening!!

You will always love your sister. You sound like you cannot stay out of her drama. This is either a bad habit or you are shell shocked. If you honestly cannot control yourself, seek professional help.. You do not want your children to learn this from you. You should never feel this controlled by ANYONE.

You just do not need to fall for her control. She knows darn well, you are a soft heart. She is trying to break you..

My sister is also like this.

She is now in her late 40's and it is not a pretty sight.

We have (my parents and some of her friends) have learned that indifference is the best way to handle her.

We accept her calls, but we offer no help or advice. We just listen to her.. We ask about her children instead.

My mother has now admitted my sister NEVER calls to just see how my mom is doing, how her husband is doing.. She only calls when she needs or wants something.

Our plan is to continue this way, because trying to help her, give her advice.. just gets her wrath in return.. It is what my sisters Therapist told me was my best bet. She told me to just tell sister, "you may not speak to me this way." "I am not responsible for your happiness."

The last real conversation we had ended with me asking her "Why is it everyone else is happy, but you are always so unhappy?" She hung up on me.. I guess she could not face the truth.

Accept that you feel this way. Feel it as intensely as you need to feel it. Know that you did the right thing and that it still hurts. Once you've accepted how you feel you'll be able to work thru that pain and heal.

Hmmm...just realize that we can act and react in three ways to anything: child, parent or adult. You responded to her request as an adult. Her reaction? A child.
Adult-adult relationships don't look like this.
She's acting like a child by NOT accepting responsibility for her own bad choices.
It's not your problem, it's hers.
You know you've done nothing wrong.
If she chooses to let her bad choices ruin her relationship with her own sister, again--her choice.
Just continue to communicate with her as O. adult to another.
How she responds is her choice: child or adult.
Good luck.

You remind yourself that she was in the wrong and her actions are a childish response to being called on her behavior. It can bother you...but don't let it bother you so much you give in on the new boundary. It's just more manipulative behavior.

I am not sure what to say that will help you get over it, but you are doing the right thing. My heart sank when you said she asked your 11 year old for money. I have seen Suze Orman talk, and relatives are always asking for money and some will always ask. You can google 'Suze Orman relatives asking for money' or something similar.
Here is one story that is more extreme (i'm assuming) than yours:

http://www.oprah.com/money/Suze-Ormans-Money-Smackdowns

Hopefully she will learn how to budget.

I know it's hard to accept, but just because someone is related to us doesn't mean they care about us or that we have to include them in our lives.

It's all right that it bothers you. You sound close to your sister, so it's disappointing that she would behave in such an immature and manipulative way as to "punish" you for declining to lend her money. The fact is that you broke the pattern and it's uncomfortable for both of you... and it's all right to feel that way. Let her sulk, because she'll get over it. She'll find someone else to lend her the money or she'll find a way to scrape it up. Maybe she'll just wait until she's earned it and can pay for it on her own.

As long as you don't give in in order to stop feeling what you're feeling, you're fine.

Tough love. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

find some nice ladies to hang out with to remind yourself we are not all bad!

Reading this I am glad that I am an only child. Your sister can borrow from you all D. long, but to ask loans from your child is not mature or nice, at all.

I responded to your last post about having a sister much like your sister. She is 50 years old and has never changed (if anything age has made the paranoia worse - now, we are all against her). It always surprises me that my mother keeps trying to work with her. As if it will be the last time - that this last effort will change her or cure her or get her set on the right path. My sister will never change (at least not without medical help). Just like your sister will never acknowledge your kindness (unless it is motivation for something else), she will not stop asking for money, she will not stop manipulating or overstepping boundaries. The only thing you can control is the boundaries that you set. The most important word you used is power. As hard as it was for me to admit, I enabled or empowered my sister to impact my life. Having said that, it does not mean that you have to be unemotional. I can only speak from my experience. It is not - was not - easy. She still affects me through other family members, but she does not know that she still has this power. I love my sister and we had some really unbelievably great times growing up together. She is 10 years older and probably did things with me or brought me places I should not have been, but life with her was exciting and magical. The problem was that I grew up and she did not - she takes no responsibility for herself or her actions. If your situation is like mine, you can say it will not bother you, but it will. It is a loss in your life for a sister that you love. She will come back to you because she needs you. You just have to make sure that you preserve yourself when she does return. It will be a rollercoaster for a while, but gradually she will get used to the 'rules' of your relationship. You have to be strong and consistent. I think another poster likened it to dealing with a child - very appropriate. This will take a far larger emotional drain on you, but you and your family will be better in the long term. The one thing that has helped me is admitting that my sister is a victim of mental illness. This is NOT how "normal" people act. I always tell myself that my loving sister is there, but she is hidden by the mental illness and I will not let the mental illness take advantage of me too. I wish you lots of strength - don't be afraid to ask your husband for support. It sounds like he is aware of its effect on you.