Very Unique Cultural Question on Behalf of My Asian Daughter

Wow. I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I'm not in any type of situation like that, but I think that's a bit rude of them to change their "names". They are separating her more from the family if they have both of their grand-children calling them different names.

Yes, I would talk to them about it. Husbands tend to not want to creat or confront conflict, but this is a situation that needs to be addressed. Good luck! Let us know what happened if you can.

Dear J.,

I didn't read all the responses - sorry. I don't mean to repeat anything.

I wonder if it would help to talk to your in-laws and let them know how your daughter/their granddaughter feels about their decision/request.

I've been reading a book called Cracking the Communication Code by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (about husband/wife relationship) and have gleaned several helpful things. I'm only halfway through the book.

1. Most people are "good willed;" they just don't understand how their words might hurt someone else.
2. We have to work to understand someone else's point of view.
3. People change over time.
2. Forgiving others is important.
4. Keeping the relationship intact is more important than what you call the relative.

I don't know which way your family will decide to handle this situation, but what you and your daughter tell yourself about it matters a lot.
If you tell yourselves that the grandparents' request for the traditional American English grandparent names means that they don't love her, then your and her feelings will follow that path. If you let go of that idea, you can follow a different path. It's your choice.

When I went off to college I asked my family to stop calling me by my nickname and switch to my given name. I love my given name! They have called me A. ever since then. I wasn't rejecting being part of the family, I just felt like I wanted to be called A.! Could this be a similar thing? Could she call them one name in public and have the Asian name be a pet name she calls them?

I'm not saying they are right and you are wrong, but if after discussing the name change with them, they still want to change it, then maybe you two could change your minds about what the name change means to the two of you.

I don't think you are overreacting. But it is a sensitive issue, and I think it's important enough to talk about. Your husband's reluctance to bring it up is not abnormal. Most people, especially males, would rather ignore the elephant.
But once you guys have talked about it, then I hope you can work things through emotionally so that the relationship stays intact. ***That's the important part.*** Your 15 yr old daughter and you may have to be the mature ones in this case. Sadly enough.

Good luck,
A.

I just remembered something. One of my friends had an unusual situation. Everybody that her father knew called him Hambone, a nickname he ended up with because his last name was Hammond. His grandchildren and greatgrandchildren also called him Hambone. I got to call him Hambone! It was sweet and fun for all of us.

Wow, you have already gotten a lot of responses! I almost didn't reply but decided to anyway since I feel so strongly about this issue. I apologize if I am repeating anything already said....I haven't read through all the previous responses.

I too am an adoptive mom and we also adopted trans racially and cross culturally so I have spent many, many hours thinking of these types of scenarios! Because we are moms and because the decision to adopt from a different culture was a decision that took a lot of soul searching and thinking, we have probably thought way more about these types of issues than anyone else, including our family members. I obviously don't know your parents-in-law, but would guess that this was not intentional on their part. I would bet that they are completely unaware of the affect their decision has had on your daughter and your family. I am sure they haven't read about, prayed about, and thought about all the angles of adopting cross culturally as I am sure you have. But because you probably have, I know you understand how critical this issue will be for your daughter and her ability to continue to form a healthy identity.

So no, I absolutely do NOT think you are overreacting! However, I would talk more at length with your husband before you talk with your in-laws about this. I would gently and humbly talk with your husband about all the the long term ramifications this could have for your daughter. I know in our case, there are many things that have already come up with our daughter (she is 2) that were important to the development of her racial identity that my husband hadn't even thought of. (He doesn't obsessively research like I do!) But when I approached him with the right attitude, he was very receptive and understanding. I would seek your husband's agreement to either talk with his parents with you or to at least give you his blessing to talk to them on your own but with his support. If he feels that you will talk with them with understanding and kindness, I don't see why he would disagree. And then I would pursue the same with them.

It can be so frustrating when our family members don't automatically "get it" when it comes to our kids! Especially when it seems so obvious to us! I still can't believe some of the racially insensitive things people in my own extended family still say (my daughter is black, we are white) and I tend to get so infuriated! But again, this isn't something they have spent hours and hours and days and days thinking about like we have. So, be patient but be persistent.

You are a wonderful mother! Your daughter is blessed to have a mom who is so sensitive to her heart. Through all of this, I would talk to her about it! Help her to see her grandparents in a realistic light. Help her to understand that what they have said is not a reflection of their feelings for her but rather a natural (if careless) response to their own culture. By talking with her, she will see and know that YOU understand and that you do validate how she is feeling. That will go a LONG way if after all the talking, they don't change their minds. You can't force them to, but you CAN help your daughter work through this and come out stronger on the other end regardless of what they decide.

I am sorry I got so long winded! I just feel your pain! I know it tears you up to see your daughter hurt....I would feel the same. I will be praying for you and your family as you work through this issue. If you ever want to talk more about this or anything for that matter, shoot me a message! Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is in a similar boat.

S.

Hard as it will be, I would speak to them about it-respectfully, tactfully and present it as the problem it is. Another words I'd say-"Mom, Dad, you've never failed to guide me with wisdom when I had a dilema I wasn't sure how to handle and I really need your input again...then I'd explain how special and how loved they are and have made your daughter. I'd make certain they knew the extent of your daughter's hurt. You can always make sure they know that you want to honor their wishes but that you also do not wish to hurt your child and ask them how they think it should be handled. This way, they may become aware of something without taking offense.

There is the chance that they might be upset by it or angered or simply say tough luck call us what we want" but if these people love you all and truly care then I imagine they'll want to do what is best for all of you. It will be several YEARS before the new baby can call them anything anyway.

Men typically don't do confrontation if it's not life threatening to them. This isn't about your husband at all and while his counsel is important, since this doesn't actually concern HIS HURT FEELINGS then I'd go with my gut and speak up for my daughter. Your parents can handle this and it will be best to deal with it now then the feeling of swallowing the hurt and feeling frustration for weeks to come. Be sure you let your daughter know beforhand that you intend to inquire with her grandparents on her behalf and together you can even pray about it to prepare. Your daughter SHOULD NOT be present for it but at her age, she is already involved and will need to know how it goes.

If the situation doesn't improve then she will learn an eaarly life lesson that is very hard but she will also learn that her mother is her number one champion and that she can TRUST YOU no matter what issue comes her way and THAT is something you definately want.

I have dealt with so many issues like this in my family. It's a huge family and someone ends up hurting someone's feelings or taking offense at the smallest matter due to a twist of words or perception so often it's tiring. I'm the mediator in my family and extended family most of the time and I tend to resolve most issues peacefully.

We're human and we make mistakes but at least, love heals.

God's blessings on you and your daughter!
-S.

Just by reading your request I know I love you already. How special you are to open your heart and home to a child, not a baby but a 9 yr old child and call her your own.

A baby of your own? Funny how that works out that way isn't it? Congratulations and I am so happy you have a wonderful big sis to help.

As for the grandparent thing, the Asian name is a gift your daughter has given them and love from them to accept it. Just because your other child calls them different, does not make her words any less. Actually, they are more special because they are words only the three of them have together.

I have been with friends with an older couple for over twenty years and when my daughter was born, they opted to be called grandparents since I was far from home and had no family close by. Their generosity touched me and so my daughter calls them grandmommy Sue and granddaddy Jim. When they started having their own grandchildren, they were called by only grandaddy or grandmommy. No one seemed to mind even with a few mix ups. Ten years later my son was born and he calls them by their names, Sue and Jim, and that is okay too. No one seems to mind. I'm not sure this relates or not. It's not the name but the love you have for each other.

Always talk it over. They may tell you they do feel differently now and you all can address that issue and how to proceed or they may say they feel the same. They just want the appropriate names for each child.

I truly believe both names are fine. She will always feel somewhat of a separation because of her age since she came to live with you. I am sure, I hope, that they would not treat her any differently now they have a birth grandchild.

Just in case, don't call attention to the differences in front of your daughter. Sometimes she might not even notice. If your baby is getting more attention, and babies do, explain to her that is why, babies are just so darn cute. Give her other things to keep her busy while visiting to keep her preoccupied, a good book, a video game, let her talk on your cell to her friends. Something that keeps a teen busy instead of having to hang out with a baby and older folks.

Hugs to you all, C.

You ABSOLUTELY need to talk to them! Please don't let your daughter continue to feel this way without addressing it. I would encourage you to talk to your parents first. Your parents would be distressed, I'm sure, to know how much they've hurt your daughter. And your daughter needs a better perspective than the one she has (I love Susan V's response). You may need your parents to talk to her directly. Sometimes we just need to hear something out of the proverbial horses mouth. If I might make one suggestion...my mother has allowed each of 9 grandchildren to choose their own name for her. It's been great because sometimes the name changes as the kids can pronounce words better. She is known as grandmommy, greymommy, grandmaD, and 2-3 other variations. My own daughter, who is adopted, chose the portugese word for grandmother, Mamai, since my family has some history in Portugal and that's what my mom called her grandparents. We've all just learned that when one kid says a name, even if it's not the one we use, we know what they mean. And the running joke in our family is whether or not my mom can remember which name she should refer to when signing things like birthday cards to grandkids. The point is, allowing each kid to choose their own name has given us humor and freedom and actually brought us all closer. It might be nice if your parents could give your son his own choice of what to call them, not dictate - even if they mean well. That way there's a certain equality, even if the actual names are different. Sorry this reply is so long but thanks for being sensitive to your daughter's emotional needs and for also wanting to honor your parents. It's a sticky situation but pray through it and be loving and you'll work through it. Just don't pretend there's no problem...denial never fixed anything!

Sorry...just reread your question and realized the grandparents are your in-laws. The same talks need to happen but your husband will definitely need to get involved. I just heard a great sermon about the role of men in the home and one of the points made was that God has called men to be the protector of their homes. That's not just physical...it's mental, spiritual and emotional as well. Maybe you could lovingly help your husband see the emotional attack on your daughter - even if unintended - and encourage him to step up and protect her. You can't bully him into this but you can help him see how important his job as father is and call him to a higher road than just avoiding confrontation.

Wow....I'm so sorry for your daughter. I would sit down and talk with them without anyone else around. Find out where they are coming from. Let them know how much it hurts their granddaughter. Maybe you could find a way to turn it around and make it her own special name for them because she is extremely special because she was chosen. My daughter is adopted as well and there are so many things that they have to deal with ..... this shouldn't be one of them. One thing your daughter needs to know that she was adopted a long time ago....she is not adopted anymore:) J.

Hi J.,

I too have two adopted daughters from China. I think you should talk with them if your daughter is that upset about this matter. She has called them that for 6 years and it was such a special thing for her. Is there a reason that your son can't call them Grandma and PaPa and she continue to call them by the Asian name? I'm not a counselor but as the parent you have to stand up for them because no one else is going to. I think it is worth a chat with them.

Good luck!
T.

i agree with the posts supporting your daughter's terms of endearment for her grandparents. my husband's family doesn't have a single set of names for their grandparents among the cousins, and it actually does create an ugly hint of disunity at family gatherings. it's bad enough among cousins - i can't imagine that feeling among siblings.
as for a practical solution, if your family is not one to discuss matters like this very well (and by your husband's indication, it is not), then perhaps you can print your question and maybe some of your favorite responses (minus this one of course!) and mail them to them? it would show your concern for their wishes, make it very clear how they have hurt your daughter, and give them a chance to mend her heart insofar as they can. just my $.02!
HTH!

J., I believe you should say something to the grandparents. How will they know your daughters feelings have been crushed if you don't tell them. She is your "real" daughter, and it sounds like the grandparents have felt that way since God blessed you guys with her too. I absolutly agree with you 100%, something needs to be said to kick the elephant out of the room for good. My husband is the same way, he doesn't ever like to "rock the boat" when it comes to family, although I am the one who has to stand up to his family when it comes to things like this. You and your daughter don't deserve to walk around with your feelings crushed, and it is not your daughter that needs to "get over it" it's the grandparents. They knew from the beginning that they were going to be called by their asian names, and that's the way it should continue. It has always been the same way in our family, the first grandchild sets the terms, and that's what every one of the other grandchildren call them.

Stand your ground sweetie, defend your daughter, and just let them know that although you appreciate and respect their wishes, they are adults, and you have a child that is crushed over their decision, when obviously this was a great milestone of her acceptance in your family when she was adopted, and now all the sudden when theirs a biological grandchild, she feels like an outsider again.

The grandparents will soon get over it, your daughter has already felt like an outsider once when she had no parents, she shouldn't have to feel that way having a family who loves her.

A.

My sister has grandkids by 3 of her children and and they all call her by a different name that the kids themselves picked as kids will do and all seem happy with the different Granny, Nino and Nanny names.It is only a name it is the emotion and love behind it that counts!!!
PJ

Hi, I am 27 and I just had this same talk with my Grandmother a couple of years ago. I could never say "grandmother" like all of the other grandchildren. Instead, it came out "Murmur." So, me being the oldest of my brothers and sisters, set the stage for them to call her Murmur as well. We were the only grandchildren that called her this. She decided when I was about 14 that she did not like it. She asked me to call her Grandmother. I just said ok but was extremely hurt that what I had called her for 14 years now needed to be changed. So, I did not call her anything. If I saw her(she lived out of state so it wasn't often)I would just say hi. Not "Hi Grandma/ Grandmother." Nothing. This went on until I was about 25 and I was married and I was trying to introduce her to my husband. I finally said, "what do you want to be called?" I told her I wanted to call her Murmur because that's all I knew and she told me to just call her Grandmother like everyone else. I told her I was going to call her Murmur and that it surprised me that any grandparent would be ashamed of what a little baby came up with. Most would think it was cute. She told me to call her what I wanted then. My Murmur died a couple of months ago. She left me a note signed "Murmur" and she introduced herself to my new baby boy as his "Murmur." I think in the end she realized that she was just happy to have grandchildren and we could call her whatever we wanted. Your little boy may not be able to say the names his sister says or may not be able to say the names his grandparents want. He will come up with it and that is what will stick.

J.: I think your In=Laws are being petty and adopted or not she was their First Grandchild and if they were fine with it then they should be fine with it now. I too have an adopted daughter of course she is grown now but she was my mothers 4th granddaughter and she came up with her own nam for my mother and its funny cause we dont know where she came up with it but she started calling her Bucko and to this day it still sticks with her.
I think you should tell your in-lows how they have hurt your daughter and they should apologize to her.
P.

J.:

I admit that I did give up before I read all of the posts, but I wanted to add my two cents. I would approach the grandparents with love and openness. Assume that they love their first grandchild and would never intentionally hurt her. (I find that when I start a conversation with a defensive attitude, such as when I feel that I need to protect myself or a loved one, it is picked up and turns into an argument).

Start out positively and let them know how special it was for your daughter to pick out their names. Let them know how much she loves them. Tell the your concern. Ask them how they think it could be best handled. Listen. If the conversation doesn't go as well as you had hoped, take a deep breath, think about their best qualities, give them hugs, and tell them that you will think about what they have said. If you react this way, they are more likely to mull over what you have told them and perhaps change their minds upon reflection.

Finally, do what you think is best for your child. While I hope the grandparents change their minds, you may have to make some decisions. Is it worth losing the relationship? If worse comes to worse, talk to your daughter - ask her if the name is worth damaging the relationship. If the problem stops with the name - probably not. If the problem goes deeper than that, you may have to take a firm stand.

My parents kept forgetting my younger son's birthday. I told them if it happened again, they needed to forget my eldest son's birthday too. Any gifts would go into the trash. They have not forgotten since.

Good luck! I can tell that you are a loving parent.
Jen

Congrats. On the new baby and baby on the way. I feel like you should pray about the situation first. Talk to your husband let him know that you want to talk to his parents and you want his approval. Maybe your In-Laws can allow your Daughter to call them the name she has always called them, and the younger children there name. Also let them know most of all that it is very important for her, because this is also a growing process for her.

My kids called my mother a different name then the other 12 grandkids and it made then feel special. Maybe this asian name can be considered special just between her and her grandparents. If they are ok with it, then make it a special yet intimate endearment that only she can use. We made a positive out of it. Good luck.

Gmeek

You've had a lot of responses so I'll be brief! I fully support the majority of the other responses. Your in-laws are being insensitive and you should really talk to them vs. hiding from it as your husband proposes. They may very well be clueless that they have really hurt your daughter's feelings and created an environment of insecurity for her. It seems so obvious to all of us, but never assume that they are looking at the situation from all angles. Your daughter should continue using her grandparents terms for them . . . she should not be forced to refer to them any other way! Perhaps the compromise is that your son refers to them with the more traditional terms, although I think that your daughter and son using different terminology may cause underlying friction in the long term.

Congrats on your expanding family!

I do not think you are overreacting at all. I think the grandparents are wrong for even suggesting the change and you should bring this to their attention. Your daughter has picked out her special names for her grandparents and she has been calling them that for years...so why should that change? Your son can pick out his own terms of endearment and your new baby should do the same without any coaxing. I don't think it's up to any grandparent to decide what they will be called by their grandchildren. Children seem to pick these names out on their own because they are "terms of endearment." My neice and nephew call my mom "maw maw" and their other grandmother "mo mo." They chose these names all by themselves to differentiate between the two grandmothers. Well, my son was born after my mother's name was chosen and my mom tried coax my son into call her "maw maw" as well. For some reason this didn't take with him and her calls her "grandma." I hope this helps!

I really think that your husband should step up and talk to his parents. These children are both of yours, not yours alone, and the adults in the equation are HIS parents. If he feels like staying out of it, then I would simply go with what YOU want to do.

I know this is not the most healthy answer, but your in-laws need to understand that the name will not change your son's love for them. If anything, it will further bind your son to your daughter because he will be learning her language.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Maybe, if nothing else, just tell them you're not going to deal with it until he's old enough to talk. So maybe you can put off the fight for a year.

Good luck there!

My response seems to go along with the rest. My daughter calls my parents different names than my sister's son does. I think it is fine for each of them to choose their own names. My mom always says she doesn't care what she is called, she just loves being a grandma. And, good for you for standing up for your daughter. I think you need to sit down with the grandparents and let them know how it is making your daughter feel and talk to them about using both names.

I believe you should not let this go. You really should sit down with them and talk this out. They may or may not realize what they have done, but if they do, you need to let them know that you will not tolerate your children being treated differently. They are all your children. You sound like you are doing a great job making your first child feel just as important as the rest. Congrats on the new babies.

My mom is called "mouse" and dad is "Papa" by my half sisters kids who have native american heritage and my daughter (13 years younger than my 1/2 sister's kids and the only other grand child) calls them "Grandma and Grandpa". It's just how it worked out for us. No one was hurt though.

All my generation has a special name for my grandmother too, but one cousin couldn't pronounce it when she was little and still calls her by the name she came up with.

I know your daughter is hurt, but perhaps you could explain that people have lot's of endearing names and they are special to that person (my husband calls me honey, my daughter calls me mommy and both names are special to me). I WOULD tell your in laws about her insecurities about the name and have THEM tell her how precious she is and always will be to them. She won't likely be convinced until baby joins family and she can see the evidence of that.

J., I will get to the point. What are the grandparents afraid of? What if you had adopted more children from different races? Your daughter, first grandchild, has the right to call her grandparents what she has been given permission to call them. As long as her name for them isn't something like tee-tee or pee-pee, it doesn't seem like it would matter. But I am not a grandmother yet. I think that your daughter and you and the grandparents need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about the issue. The grandparents probably do not realize how their grand daughter feels. And you need to know how the grandparents feel. I believe that your daughter should have her feelings known, as well as the grandparents. At 15, remember that a part of her thinks like a child and that another part of her thinks like an adult. I have 2 teenage daughters and 1 grown son. The teen years can be a very trying time for parents and for teens. Make sure that you at the least validate her feelings.

Good Luck,
J. W.

I'm appalled at the grandparent's lack of consideration for your daughter. Why can't your daughter continue calling them by the name she's always used, and your son call them Grandma and Grandpa as per their request? Shame on those adults for making your daughter feel even more insecure! And you are right to address it with them again - something that has hurt your daughter so much can't be ignored! She's been calling them that for 6 years!! It's ridiculous that the grandparents even brought it up.

Hi J.,
I am a 33 year old adoptee and although my situation was not the same as yours (I was adopted at birth into the same culture) I would still like to respond. I am very blessed in that I do not have allot of the typical adoptee issues, but I have now met allot of other adult adoptees on the internet and most have huge issues that they have had to overcome. I would definitely say not to let it just go. You and your daughter need to talk openly and honestly about it. And, to be honest, in my personal oppinion your inlaws are the ones that need to be the adults and "get over it". Immagine what it would mean to your daughter to know that ya'll chose to have your "real" children join with her in calleing their grandparents something so special that she chose from her culture. On the other hand, immagine how devistating it could be for ya'll to choose to change now that you have "real" children. In my oppinion, that could be a life changing desision that she never gets over.
I am sorry to be so heavy - I hope it has given you something to think about.
A.

Your daughters feelings are important and should be taken in consideration in this issue. I feel you should sit and talk with the grandparents and explain how it upsets her and makes her feel like an outsider after all this time. Maybe after they know about the problem you can all come up with a compromise .. Why can't they be called both their Asian names and Grandma and Papaw also!. I hope all goes well

You have every right to be upset and to defend your daughter. An adoptive child needs reassurance that they are very much wanted and loved, they are no different than the other kids in the family. Why can't each child have their own names of endearment for the grandparents? That will be their own unique bond for them three. My son is adopted and he calls my parents grandma and grandpa. My nieces call them lelo and lela and my nephew calls them grandma and dad. Each child has their own bond with them, their unique bond.

Your in-laws may not be aware of how this has hurt your daughter, they need to know. They may be thinking that your baby boy will not be able to pronounce the names of endearment that could be why they changed it.

I had a grandmother who never accepted my cousin who was adopted into our family. She always said she had three granddaughters when she had four. Some generations feel diferently about adoption, they don't accept it which is very sad. I hope that is not the case here.

Good luck.

I have adopted a vietnamese child and if I was in this situation I would feel the same as you. Your daughter gave them their names and they should feel proud. I would take them aside when your daughter is not there and tell them how you feel about this. It is not right for them to change their minds because they now have a "biological" grandchild. What nerve!

Joane,
Seems a little weird to me...it would be like you asking your daughter to call you a new name all the sudden (Mother instead of Mom). HOWEVER, maybe they want your son to call them "Grandma" and "Grandpa" because he'll know what those words mean (since he won't know your daughter's native language).

I would ask them about it - don't assume you know WHY they're doing it, because there could be an innocent explanation. I would say something like "So, I'm curious...why do you want (your boy's name) to call you Grandma and Grandpa instead of (fill in the blank)?" You can get worked up about it IF they give you an insensitive answer.

Please do confront it head on with your in laws. They are the adults in the situation and being they did not mind it in the beginning I feel they should not mind it now. My daughters are of a beautiful mix including asian and it broke my heart to read your post knowing how hard it is when you're of another race and trying to fit in on top of being a teen. By the way check this demo out and let me know your thoughts on the product will you?

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Why did the grandparents agree years prior? Was it because it wasn't a name that would let others know they were actually her real grandparents. But now that they have biological grandchildren they want the world to know that they are theirs without a doubt. It was their choice from the beginning. THat was their time to choose. They chose and at any time if they didn't like it they should have told their granddaughter that they preferred grandma/grandpa or whatever. You all agreed and so it was and so it should be. The other children should call them whatever without being coached by any.

Hi JoJo, How sad that your in-laws need to change something that should not be an issue. Your daughter's feelings are valid and if she has a good relationship with them, she should be able to talk to them about it. When my grandchildren were born, my husband & I decided that we wanted to be called Nana & Papa (after his grandparents). We wanted to honor them for the wonderful people they were and the love we received from them. Wust hope we can live up to their legacy.

HTH, L.

J., your first child is just that, your first! and she is the first Grandchild and all of us who are Grand Parents know that what ever they call you, that is who you are!! She is your daughter and they should respect yours, your Husband & your daughters whishes, without any issues, had your son been first they would not expect to be called something eles because the next child wanted to use a differnt name for them. She is your daughter and their Grand daughter and I would explain to them that anything that hurts her it hurts you just as much, and that your sorry that they feel this way, but that you think its best that they be called what they have been called for the past seven years. Good Luck to you, God Bless.

I would let the grandparents know how this is making her feel. If they have any sensitivity at all they will understand and accept the name that they have been going by all these years. I speak as an adopted child myself.

I totally get you being protective of your daughters feelings - that's part of our jobs as mommies. I just thoughtI'd share our situation to give you another option for compromise.

I have a niece and nephew that call my mom Mima per her request - they are now in their mid and late 20's. The next grand child to come along was my daughter who is now almost 6 yrs old. When my daughter was trying to say Mima, it came out Mom-mo. I just asked my mom at that time if she wanted me to teach my daughter to say Mima or is she wanted her to just call her Mom-mo. My mom now goes by 2 names even when we are all together - the kids call her the names they know. I now have a 3 yr old son who calls her Mom-mo too. The kids have fun teasing each other about what grandmas name is. Maybe you can explain to them how your saughter feels and suggest that she continue calling them by the names she knows - after all that is part of their identity to her. And that you will teach the others the new name explaining to your daughter that her names are very special and unique and part of her heritage that you want her to feel prouf of. Your parents may be fine once the little ones start verbalicing their "names" with whatever comes out. Funny, now that I think about it my sisters and I called my grandfather something different than the rest of my cousins. Good luck with this.

I believe your husband should have a nice, calm discussion with his parents. He should tell them that they allowed their "names" to be chosen by someone else six years ago and that they can't change their minds now. Further, he should ask his parents to relay to your daughter just how special she is and that that LOVE the names she chose and has decided to keep them.

J.,

I know that this would really hurt my feelings too. I think that you as her mother have a responsibility to stand up for your daughter. If they didn't care in the past, then what she named them should stick. i think something should be said to them, but not in front of the kids. Just lovingly tell them how you and she feels and explain that your kids are going to call them by the other name. They need to know that being adopted makes people feel insecure anyways and then this doesn't help anything. Good luck!

First off, congratulations on the blessings that God has placed in your life, that is awesome.
As for the "grandparent" names...I am a Mamaw of 10 almost 11 and I would have no problems if they all called me something differently. For a while I was Mamaw to the 1st two and then the third one called me Mambow, so Maybe they would consider allowing your daughter to continue to call them by her "cultural" name and then the other two can call them Grandma & Papaw.
Good luck and may God continue to bless you all!
B.

I completely understand your feelings and do not think that you are overreacting. I always think that communication is the best answer, so that everyone can be on the same page. I am guessing that the grandparents have not even realized how important this issue is with their granddaughter. I would guess that they would quickly agree that their pet name is far less important than their relationship with each of their grandkids. -- We never want our children to feel displaced by new babies in the home, and that is a hard enough challenge without adding additional layers of differentiation.

Don't get all worked up over this, there is a way of making everyone happy and comfortable. My son for instance calls my parents Granddad and Gram, my daughter calls them gampa and grandma, my sisters children call them gammpy and gammy and my brothers children granddaddy and granny. It is special because each child calls them what they have decided to call them. And my parents say they don't care as long as they call them.

J., We have an Asian adopted son. However we received him at 11 months of age. We were in Japan for 50 years. Knowing the culture in Japan, your daughter knew her grandparents and I am sure called them by their culture's name. To her that is truly an endearing term she is using for her adoptive grandparents. I am sorry they are not happy with that I am wondering if they would permit her to continue calling them that and let their biological grandchildren call them the endearing words we use in our culture. Since she is as old as she is and has called them this all these years, it seems it would be appropriate for her to continue since she is Asian and your biological children could call them American terms they desire. I hope you can have a heart to heart talk with them and they will be compliant to your wishes. R. Betts

I am heartbroken for your daughter. Your parents need to think about the message they are sending that says, "now that we have a {real} grandchild you don't matter as much and to show that we are getting rid of your name for us"....or something more eloquent than that. I could see it if the new baby were your siblings (from a different family) but not a difference between "your" siblings. My Gosh, what are they thinking???
I hope you are able to sit alone with them and tell them how it is making your daughter feel and maybe they will realize that there is so much more to it than just a name, afterall, they chose this name that she calls them, so it should be that name from here on out. I wish I could put this in writing better, but I am kinda angry that they are doing this and so many thoughts are coming to mind about how awful she must feel.
God Bless and I will pray for your family.

Hi J.!
I would say that you should definitely address the issue! Adoped children need so much more love and acceptance than biological children! It is so very hard for them to adjust! I would defend your daughter and stick with her on this one. She is the one that came up with the names and they should stay that way. I hope that helps!

I think you are right, they should recognize the fact that they have been known for all this time as the name your daughter gave them. I think its terribly insensitive to change it now.
Maybe you should just gently and diplomatically tell them of the hurt that its caused your daughter and that you think its very special and unique that they have been chosen as such! Your husband should understand also... because you don't want any back=lash from this later when your daughter gets older.. i/e the 17-18 year-old stage where EVERYTHING is "like so dramatic!"
Believe me, if they love thier grandchildren, they won't let this stop them, they might be upset for a while, but it is TERRIBLY insensitive to demand seperate names from adopted and biological grandchildren!!
Best of luck and Bless you for giving your daughter a home and a better life!!

I wish I had an easy solution for you, but I don't. I can't believe your inlaws are being so rude and insensitive. I feel sorry for your daughter in the way their actions are obviously hurting her feelings. She's lucky to have you as a mom since you are willing to stand up for her. Good luck, and please update on how it turns out. Sticky situations like that are never fun, but I am sure you'll make the right decision on how to handle it.

Honestly I would tell your parents to grow up. Let your daughter call them what she wants.

This IS a very unique situation. I only have a small piece of advice: I don't think you should tell your daughter to get over it. I think they need to know how the sudden change in their "name" has affected your daughter. Simply sitting down with her and them present and having her share her feelings seems like the best way to do it. And while they are your elders and you should respect them, they should also respect that fact that you and your husband are parents and are responsible for keeping your family as stable as you can. It seems to change their "names" would cause a big rift in the family and you don't want that. HTH

I think that you should speak to them about this. Maybe they do not realize that they have offended your daughter, as I'm sure that was not their intention. Also, if they realize how important it is to her, then they will probably realize also how special it is to have a special name that she gave them, and how that tradition being passed on to the new baby is really very precious. HTH.

I look at it as every CHILD should have the right to come up with their own names for the grandparents. I think it is special that your daughter has very special names that mean a lot to her. But, maybe you can come at the situation by just letting your son "grow" into whatever names he comes up with on his own? That would take the pressure off of everyone.
As my own two cents, and someone that married into a family that has this "rule" that the oldest grandchild gets to name the grandparents, I find it a bit odd and not very nice to the other children. My son came up with his own names for all his grandparents and two are the same as the other grandchildren, and two names are different. I think that is sweet and very personal.

When my mother first became a grandmother, she thought she was too young to be one & did not want to be called "Grandma". She taught her first 2 grands to call her "Grandmother" instead, because she thought it sounded classier. When more grands were born, she regretted that and changed it to "Mops". Once again, she told them what to call her instead of letting them pick. She goes by both names and no one cares which name is used. If it were me, I would use a couple of names around the baby and let him pick. He's the one using the name, after all! He will hear his sister call them one thing and you call them another, and he will decide for himself which he likes best. Actually, he'll probably babble something cute that everyone just loves, they'll repeat it constantly, and that will become their additional names (could be a mix of English and Asian). Also, I think your daughter should be allowed to use the names she has been using...her culture is part of what makes her special and she shouldn't hide it. Neither should your parents be ashamed of their culture. You CAN mix them. My grandparents were called Gam, Gang, and Bing (after Bing Crosby!), and I loved their unique names!

BTW, I'm adopted myself, and I have stepsons that are a mix of Chinese, Hawai'ian, Italian, English, and Scottish. I'm Swedish/Norwegian, and am more interested in their heritage than they are! Mix it all up, and EVERYONE benefits!

Best wishes!

Hi J.: I would stand by your daughter no matter what.

I agree with Stephanie T. & Laurie H. I totally understand your daughter's feelings and now that you're having biological children, I understand why she would feel insecure. If all the children have their own little nicknames for the Grandparents...that's one thing, but I would NEVER ask your daughter to give up the names she's always called them.

I think the Grandparents are being selfish over the naming issue...they should put what best for their Granddaughter over their own wishes.

Stand your ground and support your daughter.

Good Luck...family drama can be difficult.

S.

Wow-- what disappointing behavior from your in-laws. If it were me I would remind them (kindly) how fortunate they are to have accessable grandchildren. Then you can let them know that you won't force your kids to call them anything in particular as long as the children are respectful. You can then start addressing them with their first names. Your daughter and son will call them what comes naturally to them. Many kids pick their own grandparent labels anyway. We had a knickname dispute in our family and now we just use first names for most of the grandparents. If we want to be cutesy we say "daddy Mark" or "mama suzie." I would hope that you wouldn't correct your daughter foe using the names she has always known. Good luck!!

J.,

You have several responses but I wanted to share with you a similar situation my cousin had. When my aunt married her 2nd husband almost 30 years ago my cousin (my aunt's child from her fist marriage) because the in-laws 1st grandchild. The grandparents were so happy. My cousin called them grandma and grandpa in German. Nine years later when my aunt and uncle had their 1st child together the grandparents told my cousin (who was 12 or 13 at the time) she could call them by their first names. That one moment drove a wedge in that relationship that was NEVER repaired. My aunt and uncle knew something had changed but never knew what until years later when my cousin was in her 20's. My aunt approached her in-laws about it but the damage had been done. As a result the grandparents are the ones who truly missed out, they don't get to be the great grandparents to my cousins 3 beautiful children, they are simply known to those children by their first names, no one more special than possibly the neighbor next door.

J.,

My siblings, cousins and I all grew up calling my maternal grandmother "Bubba." It was a name that was not given to her by any of her grandchildren, but by a neighbor baby who called her by the name that apparently meant grandmother in that baby's culture (I don't even know what language! Hungarian? Yiddish? Doesn't matter!) For some reason it stuck, and that is the name by which all of us knew her.

I cannot fathom having at any point in my life being instructed to call Bubba anything else. For me there would have been no issues involved as to my having named her or my being adopted, but I would still have been crushed to have felt like the Bubba I knew was gone and had become somebody else.

Friends of mine often thought that to refer to one's grandmother as Bubba was hysterical, as most seem to picture Bubba as a big bruiser guy who might be a bar bouncer as opposed to the sweet, lovely petite Bubba that I knew. I, on the other hand, couldn't imagine any other type of Bubba but mine until long after she was gone.

Maybe your in-laws have in part been unduly influenced by reactions of those around them to the names given them by their granddaughter? Whatever the reason, they need to understand that to her their whole identities and therefore relationships with her are at stake.

If your daughter's feelings will be eased by her continuing to call them by the only names by which she knows them and her brothers using the names they have requested, then that sounds like the easiest fix. However, if she will still be hurt by the differentiation of names used by her as opposed to the biological grandchildren, I strongly feel that her grandparents should put her best interests ahead of their vanity and stick with the names which they accepted as gifts from her years ago. To return those gifts at this point is ungracious at best, if we give them the benefit of the doubt...and more like a slap in the face if we don't.

Good luck,

L.

This may sound very cold, but I feel it is selfish for any adult to put a child through what they are asking your daughter to do. For your daughter's benefit I feel you need to have a real heart to heart with them and share your feelings on the matter.

They agreed on the names in the beginning. The birth of a new child will be change enough for your daughter and she will have enough recognition of the differences between her and her new brother already without having it change something so second nature to her at this point in time.

The reasonable thing would seem to be for her to call them what they are to her, and let the younger one call them what they want to be called.

The other point I want to make is while she is your daughter she does have an ethnic background that deserves to be celebrated in at least some ways. It is an honor to your parents to be recognized as part of that. Maybe you can point that out to them. This change will be offensive to her culture (while she is not living in her culture of birth, it is still the culture of her ethnicity to a degree.)

Good luck with this.

B.

First, I don't think this is a cultural issue. Your daughter is your daughter regardless of her ethnicity. If she has certain names for her grandparents then that is what she and your other younger children will call them. Your in-laws may want to be called something else but the bottom line is that they really don't have a say in the matter - especially if it is going to hurt their granddaughter. I understand wanting to respect their wishes but not at the cost of your daughter. I strongly suggest you and your husband speak to his parents about this. I was adopted at birth and have 2 siblings who were not adopted. I have a wonderful and loving family and rarely even think about my adoption. However, my paternal grandmother always treated me a little different than my siblings and cousins. She would remind me every time she would visit that I "owed" my parents my life. I resented her and hated her my whole life. For your daughter's sake, talk to your in-laws, tell them the truth about your concerns and your daughter's feelings. Some people are reluctant to talk about adoption but in my experience the best thing to do is get it all out in the open. Your daughter will thank you and will realize that she is just as important and just as loved as your other children.

J. I am with you about talking to them about it. I could not let that go. I feel so bad for your daughter! I think I would just sit them down and tell them how important they are to your family and how you want everyone to be happy. I would explain that it will not matter to the young ones what they call them but it does to your daughter and you are trying to be sensitive to her. My mom wanted to be called Grammie and the oldest grandchild called her Mimi and that is what she has been ever since. Grandchildren get to pick the name, not the grandparents! Which is more important their relationship with all their grandchildren (especially your daughter) or some name? I hope this works out well I feel for you and your daughter! God bless!!

It is wonderful to see someone adopt- especially from a different culture- there aren't many of us out there! It is even more endearing to see that you have honored her culture and I can so totally understand your daughter's feelings right now. First, she would feel insecure about being adopted and to add insult to injury they have taken this very special part of her culture away, and the specialness she had with them.
Personally, I would refuse to call them by the "American" names and I would say that when he is old enough- he will get to choose what he calls them if he wants to change the "Asian" term. Shame on them for allowing her to choose and then changing back because they have a biological grandchild. What a way to bring on abandoment issues!
Every child is different- one of my neices calls my mother-in-law "pumpkin pie" b/c she always smells like baking. It is the cutest thing- and she came up with it on her own at 2.
I wouldn't ignore this- both for the sake of your sanity and keeping the long term peacece, but also standing up for your daughter.

I think you should meet the one that can call the shots at a neutral place. Just the 2 of you.
Once you are there, let him or her know that the reason you needed to meet with them has to do with your daughter. Let him know that you are not going to ask her to call them by different names than she has for the past 15 years. I would let them know that you will call them by their requested names, and this might take some getting used to for you. Let them know that you will teach your son the names they would like, but that you would not correct him if he starts using the name he hears his sister calling them. At the end of the conversation I would let them know that you are wanting to apply this because you want to show support to your daughter, as it makes her sad to feel the loss of personal connection to them by having to call them names that do not have the same meaning to her.
If this doesn't work, I would ask your husband to take care of the situation.
All this being said, if his parents will accept and be nice about it if you continue on with what you are used to doing, then I would just let what they said, go in one ear and out the other.
Let us know how it turns out for you. Take Care!

I would ask them, just me and them, when it was that they changed their minds about what they wanted to be called. It could very well be that they weren't crazy about the idea of being called names in a language that they do not know, but because they wanted (want) so much to make their new grandchild feel completely at home in this new, foreign (to her) country, that they would have been ok with HER calling them Slick Willy and Jezebel, even though they really preferred Oma and Opa or something.

That said - they may still be ok with your daughter calling them their 'special names', while wanting your american born child (regardless of whom he was born) to call them something more traditional.

I was a first grandchild of MANY cousins - and I think we ALL called our grandparents by different names. We all knew who it was that was being talked about, though.

Over reacting? It depends - Reacting prematurely, definitely. IF they have decided to disown their first grandchild because now they've got some blood, then there is a basis for the reaction. If they just prefer different names - eh bien, such is life.

S.

If your in-laws are respectable/educated/good hearted people, then I would sit them down and talk to them with your daughter present to explain the situation. If these people are not of the nuturing type, you will not make any headway. Also, tell your daughter to continue calling her grandparents what she has always called them. Chances are the biological grandchildren ie her siblings will call the grandparents the same terms of endearment that she has been calling them for the last seven years. I would not want to be called something common anyways... Having a different grandparent "name" would be a cool change. When and if I become a grandparent, I would like to be called Mammy. I had a great-uncle that called his mother that and I thought that was cool. Then again a child is going to call a grandparent whatever the child selects. Good luck.

1)Does your daughter speak her native tongue fluently? I would suggest that you learn some of her native language at home and your daughter can teach her new brother a new language. See this as an opportunity to be more culturally aware. The easiest time to learn a new language is at a very young age. Having your daughter teach everyone in the household this new language will be not only a great bonding experience but it might get the "grandparents" in on it as well.
2)Having your in-laws act that way makes me wonder what other things they have done or will do... That is just downright unacceptable and hurtful.
3) continue to call them what you have always called them and if they don't like that then I would suggest that you spend less time with them as they feel their "granddaughter" isn't that important to do whatever makes her feel "apart" of the family.

I think it is very normal for children to have different names for their grandparents. How about suggesting to them that your new baby decides what to call them just like your older child. I know that my daughter kind of developed her own name from my mom anyway. We tried to get her to call her grandmama b/c that is what my mom wanted to be called. Ultimately, we have ended up with M. grace! Also, I would just not mention it. You won't have to worry about it for a while anyhow. Most likely your youngest will end up calling them by the names that your older child has picked b/c that is what she calls them and you. Good luck!

You are sooooo right! You mother-in-law at least needs to understand what/how they have made their grand child feel! Now that being said my in-laws are kind of afraid of me because I will most likely be the only source of grandchildren for them so the game is played my way or not at all! If you wanted to approach this though the back door so to speak you could start by calling her what ever you all have been calling them and let them know that you think this is so special because of your daughter and that you would like the bio-children to also know some of there sister culture. That they are not just some old Grandma and Grandpa they are special because of how they were named by there 1st grandchild.

Just a new thought-- My kids are 15,13,8 and my sister has a 7yr old and a 18 month old and 1 on the way with the new improved hubby! The 18 month now calls our mom MOMO! She has always been just grandma to all the kids! We all think it is sooooooo cute now she has the 4 grown-ups calling her MOMO! All the other kids could care less!

My son was also the first grandchild and we asked my parents what they wanted to be called. And then my son made up his own names. And then my neice and nephew have their own names. I think it depends on the child's language development and the interaction of the child and the adults. Your daughter and your son don't need to have the same names for their grandparents.
I wonder why you even asked or why it was brought up what the new grandchild should call them. And if your parents are really attached to the idea, they need to know how hurtful it is to your daughter. I am sure they don't want to hurt her. By not telling them, you are letting your daughter carry this painful burden around with her. As a parent, I think it is your job to protect your daughter, not your parents. I've had to do the same, and it is uncomfortable up until the moment the conversation is over, and then I always feel much better.

I am married to an Asian man. The grandkids call the great-grandparents by their American names (my folks) and their Asian names (his folks). The 3 year old calls us Grandma and Grandpa at our request. The 1 year old has decided that we are pepaw and memaw and that's just the way it is. He refuses to call us anything else. These two boys are brothers and live together. We just say grandpa to the older one and pepaw to the younger one. It's not hard to remember. I suggest you do the same. Have your Asian daughter call them by the names she's always used and the little one use whatever names he chooses!!! You change according to which child is involved in the conversation.

I wouldn't have a conversation about it, I would just do it and let them bring it up if it offends them.

Good luck. Blending cultures is never easy.

D. Kimbriel
Grandma to 2 beautiful boys

Actually - I don't think you should change what they are being called because now they have biological grandchildren. It is not right nor fair to your daughter whom was asked to choose their names and now that there are Caucasian grandchildren they want to change it.

Teach your other children the same thing you daughter calls them and be done with it. If they don't like it that is tough.

Email them this earnest note. Let them know that your son will initially be calling them the Asian version as he'll get that from his sister (as he should). Later when language is familiar to him, he can choose his own affectionate names for them. And have the moxie to ask them why it should change as the Asian version is "your family's" loving names for them. Stand up strongly for your daughter as I doubt anyone else will. Politely tell them, no, we'll let our little guy name you later just as our daughter was able to do... with love.

J.,

My children are half hispanic and half white. My children call my inlaws tito and tita the short version of grandparent's in spanish and then call my parent's grandma and poppi. My other nephews all have their own names that they call my inlaws and that has always been that way. My daughter is the first and only grandaughter, so she picked the name and my son 5 years later picked up the name and took off from it.

You need to let your daughter stick to her heritage and called them what she wants. The fact that I am the oldest grandaughter on my side I had to change my names that I called my grandparent's to accomodate to the younger generation of grandkids, and I didn't think that was fair, but I just had to get over and move on since I was nearly grown anyway.

I really believe that if we are to have any sort of genuine relationship with others that they need to know and have the opportunity to care how we feel.

How about sitting down with your daughter and her grandparents and let her tell them how this is making her feel, as well as give them a chance to explain their point of view. They really need to know that she is feeling less loved over this. Otherwise, there is going to be a wound that can fester in your daughters heart about the grandparents and they are probably not going to understand why she seems to distance herself.

You need to tell them how this makes your daughter feel. I definitely believe that they should keep the names that your daughter calls them. I think it is special and she has always called them by this name. Their wishes should be considered, but not at the chance of hurting one of their grandchildren...make that clear when you talk to them. I'm sure they will understand how this makes your daughter feel if you point it out to them.

As the girlfriend of a Korean American and the good friend of an adopted Korean, I have to suggest you side with your daughter on this one. Had she not chosen names for her grandparents, this wouldn't be an issue. However, if she and her new brother call your in-laws by different names it will only increase the gap she feels. It is important for her to feel part of the family and the acceptance of her culture. Your in-laws should be sensitive on this topic. It's much more important to her than it is to them.

I would bring it up to them- They might be unaware of how hurt your daughter is- but also, I think what your son calls his grandparents will be desided when he starts to talk. My kids call one of their Grandpa's "Papa" because the first child couldn't pronouce Grandpa- so that is what they all call him although he is "Grandpa" to my sister's kids. Your son might just follow his big sister's lead and call them what she does and I dont' think he should be corrected if he does.
God bless!
~C.

Hi J.,
I want you to know that you have every right to feel the way you do. I myself am a grandmother of 5. I think sometimes the culture that we were raised in was so close minded that the real issue gets put behind. My husband and I have went thru a lot of things with our 4 children and after losing our oldest that left behind a 6 year old . We have always been different about these things. First, you should talk to your parents and make known how it affected you and your daughter. I believe God brought her into your lives as well as your parents lives for a purpose and to diminish the bond in your family would not be o.k. After you explain to them give them a little time to digest it and revisit it to see if it made a impact. I would not want my grand daughter to feel any different than any of the other blessings in our life, and I hope they would not either. Take care of both your gifts!!!!!!!R. E

No one said you have to be accusatory or mean when you bring up the topic (I'm assuming your hubby is worried about causing conflict) I think a simple "I just thought you should know that it hurt Sally's feelings that you want to be grandma and grandpa instead of XXX and YYY, would you by any chance reconsider?" If they say no, then you should honor their request, however, they baby will learn from whatever she hears, so if your daughter is calling them by the asian name and you refer to them (in front of your daughter) by their asian name, then the baby will probably call them by the asian name even if they want to be something different. Another way to approach it with your daughter is that she has special names for them, but I would think that she was adopted at 9 that she knows it's different and I can totally see why she would have hurt feelings.

i love the fact that your little girl got to name her grandparents and bring her culture into your family's home. my heart is broken for her in this situation. i think it's unacceptable for the grandparents to want to change their minds entirely. i think this is very selfish of them and they are not really taking her feelings into consideration. it doesn't matter what they are called - what really matters is the children and grandchildren feel unconditional love no matter what kind of situation is going on in the family.
i think as our children are growing up they are very impressionable and we set the stage for their self esteem. even a grandparents rejection of names can be devastating to a little girl, especially after years of calling them by these names.

i think it's important for them to be sat down by very calm and collected children (you and your husband) and they need for you to explain your daughter's perspective. they need to be reprimanded w/ love. they took on these names years ago, and you just can't go back. it would be like changing your daughter's name after all these years because - ooops, you changed your mind, you want her to be called something else. it's unacceptable.
this can't be swept under the rug, even though that is your husband's wishes, this is a very big deal and your daughter will think that her parent's don't fight for her or for what matters. she will be crushed if she can't call them by the asian names she picked long ago, and i think there will be long term effects.

i hope i don't sound dramatic, but i think kids are very smart and sensitive. their feelings matter and we are responsible for molding their minds and hearts. i think that your younger child and the little one on the way will not think twice of calling their grandparents whatever they are hearing their big sister call them. what if you decided to change your first name - yes the name that your parents gave you. after all these years you just decide, nope i don't want that name, i want this other name. your parents would have something to say about that don't you think? they would be confused and heartbroken and many other things would be running through their mind. maybe rejection. this should be explained to them. help them understand in a way that this will effect the entire family, not just your daughter.

my m-i-l is puertorican, and she decided to be called lela (short for abuela) now my second child who is 1 is beginning to say it, and it's just normal. if my m-i-l decided to change her name, then i would be absolutely heart broken for my children. even for a 5 year old, it would be so hard to change a name that you've been calling someone for years. you just don't do those things.

i don't typically reply to these advice requests but man, this one got me on my soap box! especially for an adopted daughter, she knows she's different and for her own family to reject the names that she was responsible for giving only because their biological grandchildren are arriving is not even a little bit ok.
she will feel like they don't love her and they only love their own blood.

I am asian and my husband is american. So my kids have 2 names they call their aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. I agree with the other moms that people have many endearing names. What she calls her grammies is her special name for them. And what your son calls him grammies is his. I suspect that the kids will eventually use both interchangeably. Just let your daughter know that having your newborn will in no way diminish the love that you or your grammies have for her. In fact your love will just double to cover both of them. I applaud you for being so concerned about your daughter's feelings. Changes are scary and having her grammies suddenly change their names from what she knows is scary. Good luck.

Talk to them! I am kind-of surprised they would want to change what they are called after such a long time but since they do, talk to them. They probably did not consider they hurt your daughter's feelings. Even if it does not change the way they feel at least you will have got yours and your daughter's feelings on the table and you can say you tried.

I would totally let them know how they are excluding your adopted daughter and let them know that she is still their grandchild and that actions like that can really cause the adopted daughter a lot of emotional trauma that can require therapy to get through. It is one thing to be the only child and be adopted...but to then have your adopted parents have a biological child and all the attention and all the grandparents love gets moved over to them, that will leave a scar I assure you. So I would let them know that they need to be careful to include the other child or they will just not be able to hang with any of them...teach them...find research on it or something about how to deal with the emotions in this situation and how their treatment of her can impact her and her relationships/self-worth/confidence, etc for a long time. And then I'd tell them they should not only keep giving her lots of attention during this time period when she now feels uncomfortable or less like family, but also they need to allow her to continue to call them whatever she called them, and if they want the new one to call them that, they can have the new one call them that at 3 or 4 years old. By then, by the time the little one is ready to call them anything...the older one will be off to college anyhow. And she can still call them whatever she wants. They need to be cooperative in this...hope that helps a little!

If it were me, I would lovingly talk to them about it. I bet they don't realize how it is making your daughter feel, and letting them know may change their mind. As you talk to them, be sure and be willing to hear them out too. If you walk into the conversation defensively, they might too. I would think, once they hear how much it would hurt your daughter's feelings, they would change their minds.

~B.

J., my prayers are with you for what ever you choose to do. You have a range of ideas and suggestions and I would add you might right it down and give it in a letter form so you can get all of your point across and neither of you say something you might regret. It will give them a chance to reconsider without the pressure of feeling they need to make an immediate decision.

Now for my point of view, I am adopted and my husband adopted my daughter a few years ago. My daughter is the first grandaughter and 3rd grandchild (and the youngest) on my husband's side. Her cousins call their grandparents, grandmommie and granddaddy. My daughter chose grandmommie, but called my fatherinlaw grandfather Roy. Even though she was adopted into the family, they didn't really care what she called them, as long as she called them! They just wanted to have a special relationship with her. She had been their granddaughter for several years before the adoption and were thrilled when my daughter said "now they were her REAL grandparents"

In the end it really doesn't matter what a child calls her extented family as long as there is love, kindness and acceptance in the relationship. So your inlaws really need to consider this! I like the idea of talking with your son when he is old enough to understand and let him choose what he calls them! It is HIS term of endearment for them anyway!!!

good luck!

Oh so very simple. I have 2 grandchildren. My oldewst grandchild chose to call us mimi and papa. The newest one who is a year calls us nana and paw. Her choice. I love them both so very much I don't care what they call me as long as I get to be a part of their lives. By the way the oldest calls his other grnadmother granny and his other grandfather just that grandfather. I think I would have a talk with your mother-n-law like have lunch just the 2 of you and very politely with out offending her mention how upset and down she has been ever since the name change. Explain to her how being able to pick the name gave her some sort of acceptance and when you talked to her she said they would not love her as much now that they have a bio and even if your mother in law talks to her and reassures her love that will be a tremendous help.

Hi J.,

I have SEVERAL grandkids and some of them call me GRANNY, some call me GRANDMA, some call me HONEY, and still, some call me GRANDMA Honey. As for my husband, it runs from GRANDPA, to POP POPS, to DAD. (Dad comes from a grandson we raised)

I don't think it really matters what the grandparents are called, as long as they know they're loved and respected. I sure don't.

A Granny in Richardson

We have an adopted child in my family too so I feel your pain. My child was the first grandchild and "chose" names for her grandparents. Some of the grandchildren use those names and some have other names for them. The grandparents don't seem to mind this. I don't understand why the grandparents in your family are making such a big deal about it and it breaks my heart that your daughter is so upset. Why would it not be acceptable for her to keep using her names and the other children use other names? This has to be breaking your child's heart. I think I would discuss it with the grandparents without your child present and make a decision that way. They need to know how hurt she is in my opinion. Sometimes people don't think things through before they say things like this. Perhaps when they know how your daughter feels, they'll change their minds and let her continue to call them her special names.

Hi J.,

I really think you and your husband should talk to the grandparents. Explain to them exactly what you said above: "...since it hurt my daughter's feelings and she is feeling very insecure about being adopted now that they have a "real" grandchild and being loved less than him." Fifteen is a very tough age and your daughter needs to know that she is and will ALWAYS be loved. It's easy for a teenager to become insecure. They deal with peer pressure at school everyday. The minute you and your husband opened your home to your daughter, she became a "real" grandchild. I strongly believe that the grandparents should be sensitive to this situation. I mean, "what's in a name". As adults, we can understand that no matter what we are called we are still grandparents, but for a child it's totally different. Children may say they understand, but become insecure and hold resentment. The long-term affects of this..just isn't worth it. For the past 6 years they have lovingly accepted the Asian term for grandparent, so why should anything be different.

Just my 2 cents..
I wish you and your family all the best.

Hi J., I think you should talk to your in-laws. It doesn't hurt to talk about it. If they feel strongly about it, they explain that to your daughter and let your in-laws explain that to her that they still love her the same.

I can't believe your in-laws are that insensitive, or just plain clueless! I think that your daughter should continue to call them what she has always called them. If your son chooses to call them something different, then that is his choice. The grandparents shouldn't care what they are called...they now have TWO beautiful grandchildren and that is what they should be thankful for! I also think something should be said to them about how they have hurt your daughters feelings...you can't just let something like that go. I definitely don't think you are overreacting. Good luck and I hope your in-laws come to their senses!

First, I want to tell you what a special person you are for adopting. I, too, am adopted. You have changed a life in the most wonderful way.

Maybe your daughter's "issue" with the name thing runs deeper than what it seems. Could it be that she is insecure about the fact that there is a new baby - a biological baby - on the scene and she is feeling threatened? I can completely see how she might feel that way and can understand that.

You have some time before your son is talking. You might let this rest for a while and see where it goes. Assure your daughter that it has nothing to do with her. The in-laws agreed to be called what she wanted to call them, so it would seem that it has nothing to do with your daughter personally. When you son starts speaking and he hears your daughter calling your inlaws by the special names she chose, he will probably want to follow suit. The in-laws won't have much to say then.

Congratulations on your special family. Good luck.

I can certainly understand why your daughter's upset. It would be hard, but I'd bring it up. Otherwise, there will always be this uneasy feeling when you're together. Maybe they haven't thought how it would make your daughter feel.

My brother is 5 years older than me and had the 'grandkids' first. When I had my daughter, my mom wanted to be called something different. I'm not sure why. So she goes by two different names, but there's two different households.

Good Luck!

Dear J.,
I don't have any advice for you. As an adoptive mom myself, your message really touched me and made me so sad for you and for your daugther. I empathize with you, and truly hope that you can find a solution that spares your daughter's feelings.
Sending cyber hugs to you,
A.

You should make this clear to them, remind them of what they chose. Let them know that they are hurting the feelings of their granddaughter and you won't allow it. Teach your babies the words that were picked. Your in-laws are adults and should be able to get over it themselves, rather than playing favorites to biology and culture.

In my experience, parents will accept things if you make it clear you will not budge--not to say they won't make a big stink over it at first, but later they will even defend you to others in favor of what you defended as right.

I know what I'm talking about--we used a birth center, we homeschool, we shop around for the right church for us, etc.

Good luck! I would pray for the right opportunity and for their hearts to be softened, then I would broach the subject with them in the presence of your husband.

Defend your daughter, she deserves it. :)

~A.

Sorry, I didn't read all of the responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating here. I believe you should definately talk with grandparents about it (and I think it's important that your husband be on board with you and be present for the conversation, too). I think that names usually have bigger meanings than just words, and sounds like this change in gparent name is about more than just a simple preference. But gparents definately need to know how it's affecting your daughter--maybe they don't even realize what a big deal they're asking. In addition to the normal teenage struggles, your daughter's probably already wrestling with issues surrounding her adoption (even if she doesn't verbalize them), and this on top of that? How hurtful it could be! Maybe she could decide if you and your husband talk with gparents with or without her present, or maybe she could write a letter to them explaining how much this affects her and why. I'm just thinking that if you give her the option of bringing it up, she may want to brush it under the rug, too.

BTW, there are two grandchildren in my husband's side of the family--my 18mo daughter and our 13yo nephew. My nephew refers to my mil by one name, and our daughter knows her as another (at mil's request). I thought it would be confusing, but it's working out just fine.

Good luck with everything! Best wishes for your growing family.

I most definitely think your husband and you should have a talk with your in-laws. When you do, he needs to be on board with you 100% to show a united front. Surely they wouldn't want to hurt their grand-daughter this way. I feel that they should respect the decision that was made 7 years ago when their grand-parent names were chosen. Point out to them that there are a billion Grandmas & Papaws in the world (well, the US anyway), and it's a unique opportunity to be "different" in this way. Hopefully they will see how senseless it would be to change things now, not to mention detrimental to their grand-daughter's self esteem. Adoption is a tough subject, and most adopted children wonder for the rest of their lives where exactly they fit in even if they were loved beyond words by their adoptive family. This is one less thing she should have to ponder about as she wades through those emotional waters.

This is a really important issue. I think that the grandparents need to know how your daughter feels. They may decide not to respect your daughter's feeings on this issue, but it is so important for you do what you can to guard her self esteem. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, just let them know how she feels in a unaccusatory way.

I would tell them; they need to be aware of your daughter's feelings. Good luck!

This really upsets me. I cannot believe your parents have done this. What ever happen to "just so happy to be grandparents" and now that they have a biological grandchild, they want things to change on their behalf. I don't blame your daughter for feeling the way she does. As a parent we should potect our children. Even if means standing up for them and causing dicomfort to others. Why can't your parents let her call them what she's done for six years and let your son call them what he wants to or should I say what they want him to.

Dear J.,
May God Bless You with wisdom as you decide what to say and do in this situation with your daughter and her Grandparents. Some times it is difficult to communicate to the Grandparents without causing the situations to get even worse.

No matter what names the Grandparents end of being called make sure that your daughter knows that you love her. Children who are adopted have deep questions in their minds (often not verbilized)about rejection from their birthparents and this might feel like rejection to your daughter now from her Grandparents too. It would be nice if the Grandparents would write a letter to her about how much they love her no matter what she calls them. It would also be nice for you to write a letter to her about how much you and your husband love her so that she can read it any time she wants. Just an idea.

R.
Mom of 2 Adopted daughters

I would say something instantly. she may be adopted but she's still your child. they would have to accept her calling them (?????) whatever named they agreed too. tell them to get over it otherwise they will not see their real grand baby.

I think you should bring it up to them, but you need to work through it with your husband first. Let him know exactly how strongly you feel and ask for his support in this one issue. Perhaps there is something else you can bend on to compromise with him. There's usually something if you think about it. It must be really difficult for an adopted child to watch a biological child join the family and IMHO anything you can do to help her feel secure would be best. I would also think it might confuse the baby if they are both calling them something different. In my family, we all followed the eldest cousin's lead so we were on the same page. It makes it much easier at holidays when the kids are all referring to them by the same "name." Good luck. I know this must be a difficult and emotional situation. Congratulations on your baby, and on being a wonderful parent to your teenager.

I honestly do not feel you are overreacting. I would not be able to let it go if it were me. I could pretend it didn't but it would. I feel that if they want to be called something else by the new baby, then whatever. Not changing what your daughter calls them. Why would they want that? I would want to know...

J.,
Yes, you need to talk to them about it. I agree with the other mother and you need to talk to your husband first, tell him you can't drop it and ask if he'll support you in talking to his parents. Don't talk to him around your daughter, do it in private. Also, talk to his parents in private. Ask your husband if you can write a letter to his parents if he's strongly against you talking to them. However, I think direct communication is the best way to go. You are her mother, and you are looking out for her best interest, let your husband know that, you're not trying to go against him, but he's her father too, and he needs to look out for his little girl. I think your in-laws will understand. And maybe you can call them both, the Asian name as well as American.
I had the first grand-baby on my side - my husband is black and I'm white. My grandparents did not accept this at first, my parents did. The day my daughter was born my grandmother came up with my mom, my mom later told me on the way home that my grandmother said I still should of had an abortion after seeing my daughter. I was so mad at my grandmother for the longest, she has accepted my daughter but I know what she said and it hurts that she could say something like that after seeing my daughter. My sister, who was always my grandmother's favorite, had a daughter 2 years later. My grandmother treats her so much better than my daughter. My daughter does know and sees it, however, my parents have spoiled her since day one, compared to all of the other grandchildren. Not saying that is right by any means. But I understand your heart right now, because as a mother we don't want to see our kids sad, especially when we know it's from ignorance.
God Bless! Please convince your husband to talk to his parents or at least stand with you when you talk to them.

You need to talk to them without your daughter present. There has to be more to the story than you know. It just seems weird that they would want to be called something different now. Your husband should support you, but with or without him, I would speak to them. Very nicely and nonconfrontationally, of course. Good luck!!

I dont think you are overreacting. I do think you should bring up the topic and inform them that her feelings are hurt, I'm sure in all the excitment of a baby they didn't realize how it would affect your daughter. Maybe your son can call them the american names and your daughter the asain names. To me that would be like a special bond that they will share between the three of them.

Hello J.,

would they settle for your daughter keep calling them what she's always called them and your son can call them grandma and papaw. do they react differently when she addresses them as she's used to? if they don't say anything, maybe you could wait a little and see. Your son will know that they're called both names. may God give you wisdom! ~C.~

Grandparents are usually called by different names by different grandkids. My daughter calls her grandma, my sister-in-law's kids call her momo, the other SIL's kids call her grandmom. She answers to all. Your son doesn't have to use the same name as his sister and she shouldn't feel like she is being slighted. She is being too sensitive. Could there be another reason for her feeling this way, like the fact that you now have a bio child?

The grandparents are being very unreasonable. you need to sit down with them and tell them what you have just told us.if they cannot understand then that will really be sad.
therefore they did not truely accept her. let them know this

I agree with the other moms. You need to talk to them, and you need your husband's support. Your daughter is at a challengeing point in her life as a young teenager on the cusp of womanhood and she needs all the love and support she can get.

I have to ask to clarify - do they want HER to call them the american names or just the little ones? If it's just the boys, it may be ok, as the Asian names were her special names for them and can continue to be that way. Also, she is much older than the little ones and by the time they can even say grandma/papaw, she'll be a young woman and it may be more of a non-issue as she'll be in college, etc. By the time the little ones would notice that she calls them something different, it may again be a non-issue - you call them by their names, I'm sure, so the little ones might not even notice or care.

If they are expecting HER to call them something different after all these years, they need a talking to.

Hello J.,

Well, since this is your in-laws. I definitely would stress to you that you should tell your husband he is responsible for handling this matter with your in-laws. Since your daughter was the 1st grandchild and (they) said at the time that she can call them whatever she likes and she did. Those names should stick especially for her. This really should not be a huge issue, let her continue calling them by those names she picked. Of course again have your husband discuss this with them, it is his parents and they need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. I hope all works out and she doesn't continue to feel hurt. The latter would be, cut off relationship with them from all children until they come to their senses.

Do they have a problem with the granddaughter calling them her pet name and the grandson calling them his pet name? Lots of kids have different names for their grandparents.