Visiting Etiquette.... Who Sets the Date?

Never thought it to be complicated, is there more to the story ?

My family would call and say they want to visit...or you say it would be nice to visit and you set a date. easy as pie....

Hi L.,
I just read your "what happened" on the earlier post - and it all makes more sense to me. With your 3 year old and BF babies, and them being so far away - it is a different scenario.

But, I would still encourage you to encourage them to come visit. Explain that your child has therapy times and a routine that cannot be changed, and that you would love for them to come learn that routine so that they may be able to offer productive help at a later date.

Basically, offer them a chance. If they decline, then you have done your part. They may not want to call and suggest a date b'c they are not comfortable yet, or don't want to seem "pushy", or for whatever reason is rolling around their heads.

My son's father's family, live states away, and only come in town a few times a year. When they do, I will rearrange plans so my son can go spend time with them. What he sees in them I don't know - but, they are his family. I have no say about when these visits are going to be - but short of us being out of town, I just rearrange.

You are not fabricating a need for them to visit - you are trying to include them, as family, in your children's lives. We don't always like the family we marry into, but, they are our children's family. I have learned that even if I don't see to eye to eye with my Ex's family, my son truly cares about them. So we deal.

I am not sure why there is supposed to be an etiquette for family???????? If they are retired and don't have a small window of time when they can visit then they probably just want to come visit and not interuppt anything you might have going on.

It sounds like you might be looking for a reason to be upset with these people....

I personally think it's rude if someone calls me and says "Hey, I am coming to see you on such and such date." I would much rather someone call me and say "Hey, I'd love to come visit you, when would be a good time for you"?

I was made to feel this way as well. My inlaws were upset with ME that they didnt have a good relationship with my children. Um HELLOOO;) they are grown adults who can drive and come see the kids anytime!! They were told, by my husband, many times that, although we have a busy schedule, all they need to do is let us know when they are available or want a visit and we would make it work. You'll never please everyone. If they want to have a relationship it isnt just on your shoulders to make it happen.

My initial response: if you're talking about grandparents, then the answer is BOTH! It's not about etiquette but about FAMILY.

There is respect and a loose form of etiquette, but more importantly there is love, relationship, and acceptance needed for family to thrive.

I figured there had to be more so I read your last post and so what happened bit, but not the answers. I understand it a bit better now. You have babies and a child who has special needs with therapies and stuff and I am all for routine! I get the feeling (from how the grandparents are acting and from your "need" for proper etiquette) that your relationship with them is either fairly new or just not very close, in which case I am guessing your in laws need the invitation. I would NEVER call and invite myself to someone's home if I'm not super close and know my place with them. Ever! Hoping for an invitation, I would express my willingness or desire to come (which they have done). If I didn't get one, I would think I wasn't welcome and wouldn't want to be a burden (yes, you do have a full plate!) or make a faux pas by announcing I'm showing up. I do see from your side that you were probably raised differently and expect someone to invite themselves and then you make the arrangements around them as the hostess. I also see you sound pretty independent and strong, and that is to be applauded, but you do need to take some time to help develop and nurture a relationship between your children and their grandparents. I'm not saying you need to be gone at all for them to "help" you in your absence. Not only would I NOT argue your point there unless pushed, but just wouldn't bring it up at all. I would just call them and say "Hey listen, I was thinking that I'd love to spend some time with you, and the kids would love some time with their grandparents. Would you be free to come up for a visit? We could spend some time with you and you could see how we do our routine". That is inviting them without making it sound grudging, it makes them feel welcome, and you've outlined a BASIC reason (to spend time together and so they can learn the routine, which opens the door for them learning their granddaughter).
That said, if it's NOT a family thing but just general rules for general people, the etiquette for me would be this: I would be a little agitated if someone invited themselves, unless we were really close, like my mom or 2 bffs from out of state. If someone is coming out this way on a trip, and I'd be cool with them staying, I would say "You want to come out? Hey, what are your plans? Well we're free on ___, why don't you swing by and stay with us if you'd like. No reason to spend money on a hotel since we have a couple guest rooms" OR if I didn't want them to stay in my home for whatever reason (more than 1 child and I don't know how they behave, or I do know how they behave and don't like it, or I feel uncomfortable with it for whatever reason), I will say "You're coming this way? That's great! Call us when you come down and we'll take you out to dinner!" I do the same. I will contact friends to say "Hey, I'm coming down for the convention, staying at __, but would you like to meet us at the water gardens, or go to 6 Flags on __?" if I just want to visit, but if I want to stay at say, my dad's house (and there's some animosity between me and his wife), I will ask her permission first (knowing she'll say yes because she kinda has to---my dad would get mad if she said no, but I try to show a little respect). My mom, my grandparents, my bff: I just call and say "I'd like to come by and was wondering how things look for you between these dates" and it's just understood that I would stay with them (and they would stay with me), and we work out dates and plans together. But again, family is just different. You shouldn't get hung up on etiquette (which is actually different for different generations AND areas of the country; just because English is the primary language doesn't mean different regions don't have totally different cultures and view things differently) and just take the steps needed to develop familial relationships for you, your husband, your in laws, and your childrens' sakes.

Maybe I am not understanding the question,but I don't see the issue. If someone in your family wants to visit, they call and ask when they can come. If it works great if not you set another time. As far as lunch/dinner dates---we make mutual agreement on when to meet. I think if you want to give a time for family to visit that works well-- just say we have the 12-24th open, do any of those dates work for you? etc. Hope this helps!

M

i think there's a dance between inviter and invitee that goes on, but for the most part i do it the way you do. if i'm going to be in the neighborhood of a friend or relative, i'll get in touch and give them my travel dates and ask if there's any time in there for a visit.
there may have been one implication that you should fabricate a need for a visit, but the vast majority of responses were nothing like that.
khairete
S.

my family (not my inlaws, they are across the country) will usually just say in conversation, "well, we sure would like to see him sometime." and i usually take that opportunity to say, "well when are you free?" and get the ball rolling. also a lot fo times, i DO just need/want a break, or need a sitter, or whatever, and i get to thinking about who hasn't seen him for awhile - and yes, i have been known to call and ask if someone would mind watching him over night, or for a day, or whatever. but that's how MY family works. i know they love my son to pieces and would prefer to see him more. if they have something going on, they say so. it's no big deal. we just communicate and it all works out. (we are talking once a month at most - usually it's more like once every couple months - with the exception of my mother who sees him a couple times a month - but that is ALL her choice, she adores him and wants to see him ALL the time lol)

i read your other post and the followup as well. while i do think that you sort of slammed the door in their faces (i would have considered, "let us know if you have a dr's appointment or need help!" or however they said it, as my opening) i think it's great that you are really pondering this and looking for a solution. heck girl, at this point, just call them and ask them if they'd like to come visit. ask them when is good for them. open the door and get the ball rolling. it takes conversation, brainstorming, planning. i really feel like they tried to open up that conversation already and you shut them down. so at this point, the ball is in your court. so to speak lol.

i know you are still concerned with them presuming they can come and take over for however long without you there, having no experience. maybe you are being overprotective? maybe they just don't understand. either way, opening up that communiation and allowing them to spend time with the kids (sure, with you there at first, which is where your open heart comes into it) is a great start. maybe you'll find they are naturals and are great with them? worth a shot - i totally believe that it "takes a village" as they say. family support is priceless. it's definitely worth it to meet them halfway and mend some bridges.

good luck!

I would just call them and figure out what dates are good for them, and then plan from there.

If someone wants to visit and they give me a date, I just tell them if we are busy or not. But if I need something (like my husband is out of town) I just call and say "hey, you offered to help and my hubby is going to be gone from ___ to ___. Can you come?" Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they say no, but it makes it easier on the times that they do come. My own father is a little weird about visiting- he has only visited us 4 times in 10 years. Every time I have basically hounded him to come. BUT.... I honestly have no class and am pretty straightforward all the time. So I don't know what the "proper" thing to do would be :). I do find that if I say that I "need" something, they come more promptly, but I don't have to fabricate any. I need new underwear and bras, I need a haircut, I need to poop without someone standing there commenting on the color...... you get my drift?

I do a little of both. If I want to visit my relatives in NY, I pick several dates that work for us and ask us when it works for THEM to host us. If it's an event like a birthday, I extend the invite and see what relatives can join us. My mom does the same thing. She'll say, "I'd like to come stay in April. When works for you?" We don't make up a need or event. It's just "come spend time with your family".

no my child, they have it wrong, it is not up to the invitees to decide when to show up on your doorstep, the polite thing to do is to call at least one to two days ahead of time and ask is this a good time to visit? the invitees should also bring a hostess gift, nothing big, but at least something and they should also be willing to take their inviters out to dinner at least once during their stay as a thank you .exceptions to the rules are.. funerals, serious emergencies
and army(, or other service members) buddies
K. h.

you've thought it all out....

but, occasionally, rules change or flip....allowing for spontaneity.

Ok, if someone wants to come to town for a visit typically we discuss when they are planning and I say yes or no as to timing. Then we discuss how long, transport to/from airport, where are they staying my place or hotel do you need help finding hotel etc. I am very active in making those plans personally.
In regards to lunch/dinner dates if you are planning it you invite those whose company you would enjoy.

In regards to relatives and suggesting times for visiting, I do this all the time. When I call my sisters, or friends etc I say "I would like you to come visit, September is fairly open, October is off limits but early November would work too. How does that work with your schedule?"

Some people feel that they need an invitation to come visit and if you have not said to your relatives that you want them to come visit you then they do not want to invite themselves. Hope this helps.

Well this is what happens w/ us. My In-laws live in Kansas, we and his sisters family live here in Va. So when they are able to visit, we work w/ that schedule and they usually work around school vacation for the kids. We see them every christmas and maybe every 3 or 4 mo through out the year.

If I go to visit my best friend who lives about 4 hr drive away, then I will call her and ask if whatever day I have is good w/ her too. She actually told me she was going to come visit sometime at the begining of June. Though I don't a specific date, I am ready to schedule around what ever time she shows.

I think both sides could work out a time to visit. You should be able to work around eachother and not one around the other.