Visitors After Baby Is Born

I think you need to find some compromises with your husband. Yes, you all need time to bond with your new baby, but you also need to allow access to family to see the new little one. It is important to them too. Since your husband is so handy with house cleaning and laundry, the house should be in fine shape for a visit --but set limits -- ask for no unannounced visits. maybe set a two or three hour window on a weekend afternoon each week for close family to drop in for a visit -- not a meal, not to be entertained, but just a little time for them to be part of the baby's life. There are 168 hours in a week - spending 2 or 3 hours of that week with grandparents should not interfere with your bonding time.

I've done both. After my first was born I requested that I not have a ton of visitors. I had an emergency c-section and I really needed the time to rest. Well, no one ever came over. EVER! I was so lonely when my husband when back to work. I really wanted people to come over! I told some family members that and I found out that they were all VERY offended that I had said I didn't want any visitors. They felt like I was saying that I didn't want them around the baby, which wasn't true.
After my second was born I made sure to tell everyone to come over when ever they wanted. Most people were really respectful and only stayed a few hours. Since it was my second, I was much less shy about nursing in front of people. I would just say "I have to nurse the baby" and I would! I had a nice nursing cover that I practiced with in the hospital. I'm sure I flashed some people, but oh well! It's my house, and my baby! :) Now, I know that not everyone feels that way.
So, my suggestion is to find some middle ground. Have your husband explain that they can come over, but they need to call first and only stay for a few hours. If you need to nurse the baby and you don't want to do it in front of them, just excuse yourself. If you and baby fall asleep in the process, well so be it! :)
Trust me when I say that after a few days your are going to be STIR CRAZY! Babies sleep ALL THE TIME! It's nice to hold and snuggle them, but it's BORING! LOL! :D

One thing my midwfie did was give me a sign to hang on the door for visitors to see when they came to visit. It stated plainly that because there was a newborn the house, whoever visited was expected to help while they were there, and then it gave a list of things they could do:
A load of dishes
A load of laundry
Make a meal/bring a meal
Hold the baby so mom could take a long shower or bath
Sweep the kitchen floor
Run the vacuum
Make the beds
Make mom a cup of tea while she was nursing
Walk the dog

I wish I could find the sign, it was really cute. It also asked visitors not to stay more than a half hour as this was the time when the family needed to be bonding, not entertaining!

While I may not agree with you, I get where you're coming from. Just know that no matter HOW you tell them, your family (yup, you married into it!) is going to be offended and really hurt that you don't want them around. Remember, they're excited about the new baby too :) I don't think it matters too much the words you choose, you're basically telling them you don't want them around their new grandchild - at least, that's what they'll hear. Good luck.

I get what you are saying but a couple of weeks is a really long time! If it were me I would go mad. I think you might need to find some middle ground. If you tell people you don't want visitors no matter how you say it they will be offended. And if you change your mind they will not come. I just set some very firm rules about your feelings about schedule and privacy and MAKE your husband respect it. No surprise visitors, no overnight guests, no extended visits. And when you and the baby are done then they can do some chores around the house while you and baby rest.

My inlaws live "on the other coast" and let us know early on that they wanted to fly out to visit. I made it clear in no uncertain terms that I was NOT going to have visitors for the first 4 weeks. Period.
They were a bit disappointed first, but when they finally came we had a great time and no one ever mentioned again that they had to wait for "a whole month".
I breastfed and had time to get nursing well established and myself back to feeling up to entertaining someone.
Put your foot down. Good luck!

I felt similar as I was preparing for the birth of my son so don't feel like you are alone in this feeling:)

What we did was have visitors in the hospital then after about 1 1/2 weeks we had one weekend day where we had everyone come over at different times...like an open house! We knew it would be tough to be social all day, but figured it would be easier to get it out of the way. Some people are just more social than others and having a baby is such an individual experience where some of us love to show off our new family member and others want to just take the time to be alone and adjust to the very big life change. Everyone seemed to understand our wishes. I was fortunate in that my partner felt the same way.

One thing I will share, as a fellow mama who loves her alone time, is that I was surprised how much I enjoyed having visitors during the 'open house'! Lots of attention was paid to my beautiful son, but it was also fun to talk about the experience of giving birth because no matter how much time to myself I thrive on, telling the story and laughing and all made me feel good.

Since the 'open house' we have had friends visit about once a week, sometimes every other week or we go meet them to get the little guy out of the house. We've had one person (the godmother) respond VERY poorly with lots of boundary issues and hurt feelings, but we have recently discussed this with her and she's backed off with profuse apologies. So expect some backlash, but also know that in the end, you are the mama and if people overstep, they will eventually recognize this if you are strong enough and compassionate enough to tell them in a kind but assertive manner.

Family is different than freinds, and me and my partner don't have family. He and I are fortunate in that we don't have to worry about grandparents over exerting themselves, but we are unfortunate in that we don't have to worry about grandparents over exerting themselves...if that makes sense. We truly are alone and there have been times when we've thought about what it must be like to have good families that offer support, even in the form of pre-made meals!!! Who knows, you might begin to feel connected to in-laws in a way you don't think is possible right now?!

You are the mama and have every right to limit social events during the first few months...you're little one may sleep more than you can even fathom at first as ours did! It was a big deal when our friends got to see our son open his eyes after several weeks (he slept a lot)! If you are clear with your boundaries and are considerate to not alienate your little one from the grandparents and extended family, people might not be happy about limited visits, but they'll just need to figure out how to deal with it because you will have a lifetime ahead of you for setting boundaries with others and your baby. The practice starts...NOW!

Figure out how much time you can tolerate after you've had a few weeks to adapt and just let others know you are blissfully enjoying your new role as mama and are taking this time to bond with your baby and work out a routine with your husband. If your husband wants more time with his family, maybe you can work out some times that aren't too much for you to bare and compromise a bit. Because eventually you will have to be more social as your baby grows to help in healthy development (positive social interactions are critical for developing minds).

But for the initial month or even couple of months, make sure you respect your process of adjustment and let your husband know that while you will do your best to be respectful of his family needing to spend time with the baby, you must take care of yourself during the recovery process and respect yourself enough to say 'no' when it feels like too much is being asked of you. Ask him to trust you are needing to take care of yourself during this time period and in return, you will trust he won't ask too much of you or will trust he will understand where you are coming from and will give you time to recover in your own way.

Sorry this is so long:) Congratulations and good luck! I think it will all work itself out and people will be more understanding than you realize right now! If not, oh well! You have a new focus now, your baby and happy new family, so be kind to yourself and try to enjoy this wonderful experience as much as you can...you earned it!

Congratulations.

I totally agree with you and wish I had done so myself. My family was pretty respectful and came in, looked at the baby and gave about 5 minutes of Awwws and left. My MIL stayed with us, something my husband and she worked out together and she was constantly on edge about the first 3 days of nursing and how antiquated a method of feeding it was and how I should just give her a bottle. When my FIL and his wife showed up, he showed up hungry and since no one else made a move to get him something to eat, I ended up making him breakfast. With my hormones in an uproar, they practically played football with my newborn baby and about drove me insane! Respect was the farthest from their minds.

Insist on you and your husband taking time to bond with your new baby and new family size.

It sounds like you are very much in tune with what you need and i believe that you need to honor that even if it disappoints those around you. I also felt the same way and i had only my mother and my husband the first few weeks after our daughter was born. There are many traditions who also honor this very sacred, precious time which is also most important for new mothers to rest & recover.

Before I gave birth, i received a book from a friend called "Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful" from Gurmukh which has a chapter on the 40day celebration. She recommended new mothers to rest for 40 days & have only the closest people to help, cook, clean etc. After the 40days, have a "coming out" celebration having friends and other people visiting as desired. Although i didn't do the whole 40days, i did 30 days, and i am very happy i did, because I needed the time to do nothing but be with my baby, feeding her, sleeping and eating. Entertaining other people, or having people over was a drain of my energy.

I am also an acupuncturist & chinese medicine practitioner & we were taught over and over again how vitally important it is for women after birth to rest & recover for at least 3 months (100days). Our culture doesn't really honor this and we are taught that we should be up & full of energy & back to pre-pregnancy form as soon as possible. That I feel leads to a lot of health issues for women later on in life. Of course, everyone is different, but it's so important to trust your inner voice and stick to it (no sucking up) and you can tell your husband and his family & friends about the different traditions doing 100days or 40 days of no visitors, and you can let them know that you will probably do a lot shorter than that (a few weeks) and perhaps they will be happy that you are compromising. (that's what i did) : )

This is also just the beginning of sticking with your new mommy gut and do what you feel you need to do for the sake of your baby and for your self&family even if it disappoints or is against what others think. I learned a lot from this process as well, since i used to be a major sucker-upper (is that a word?) At the same time, let all your loved ones know that you love and appreciate them (esp your husband) and that it is not personal. They may not understand you but if they love you, they will accept it. Sorry so long winded, but i hope it helps your little. I wish i had someone to tell me beforehand as well, but sometimes you need to learn through experience. Wishing you a wonderful birthing experience and a good smooth recovery. Good Luck!

Hi L.,

I get wanting to be alone with your new family, but you have to balance that your hubby wants to share his new family with his extended family. Plus - you could really benefit from the help. If it's just you and the bundle of screaming pooping sleeping joy for a couple weeks who will take care of YOU. I can really see the benefit of having your hubby's family come over and bring dinner - hang for an hour or two and then leave. or throw in a couple loads of laundry and hold the baby while you nap. Having a newborn can be really tiring and I would take all the help I could get!!!!

If it would throw you off balance to interact then let your hubby entertain with his parents while you take a nap or get out of the house. You don't have to even see them. Go see a movie or get a massage something. See this a benefit to you - not a stress point. If you are doing all the work "bonding, learning the ropes and getting into a routine" without ever getting away and taking care of your self you will go crazy.

Also I always try to remember that even though she is my daughter, she is also my families family. So you may be focused on bonding with your baby but everyone else wants to meet their new family member. I think a couple of weeks is pretty extreme - but my family is pretty close.

Also - it's really hard to stay focused on your marriage with a newborn. Lots of guys feel they become "second" the instant the baby is born. If you can't find a way to negotiate what is important to your hubby too (and come up with a win-win where you both feel like your needs are met) then you are off to a rocky start of managing balance within the husband-wife-dad-mom-baby balance.
Could your inlaws stay with the baby for 2 hours while you and hubby grab some lunch or dinner? Or just sit and look at each other to establish a priority of you guys being together as a couple in addition to the new responsibilities of being parents. This is REALLY important in a relationship and maybe that would get EVERYONEs needs met.

Good luck.

You might want to rethink a little.
Yes it is your right to be alone with the baby, but it is his baby too.
I had tons of help with my two girls. They were my sleepy babies. When my fourth came along I was alone, hubby didn't get any paternity leave and the baby was extremely colicky, screaming for hours. I wished I had someone to help me.
Tell hubby that he is the one who will have to be the entertainer, you will not play host. Give him a time that is best for you to have people over.
And if the baby is fussy it really is a help to have a set of capable hands to hold her and while you make dinner or do a load of laundry.

Take the two weeks or however long you want to bond with your baby. Relatives and friends will understand (eventually) and you never get those first weeks back! I wanted a quiet first couple of weeks too, but gave into family pressure and would not do it again. You need time to relax in comfortable clothes with no make up and no pressure to keep your house clean and people satisfied. The baby really isn't much fun in the first couple of weeks anyway!

I agree with you completely. The first few weeks are precious. Yes your husband's opinion is important but he needs to see it from your perspective. You will have gone through an emotional experience and need time to recover from that and take care of a new life. I am not trying to start an argument but I don't believe that men have the same experience that we do. It is just impossible to experience that same hormonal changes that occur. Some men might understand it more, but speaking for myself my husband just couldn't understand. He was extremely supportive and did everything that he could to be helpful and that made a huge difference.

I would never suck it up if you do not want these people in your home. I thought I would want people in my house to help after I had my first son and when it came to I asked my in-laws to leave (nicely) the same day I came home from the hospital. They had tried to help but were just getting in the way and creating more work. I was breast-feeding and was struggling and did not want to have to worry about being discreet in front of others.

Congrats!

We took two weeks to be alone with our baby when our daughter was born. It was great to become the expert on parenting our girl and by the time we invited friends to see her, we were able to thank friends and family for their advise and let it go.

When my daughter was born, I finding places in my heart that I didn't know existed to fill with love for her. The time was such a falling in love part of our relationship. Remember when you fell in love with your husband and how there wasn't a lot of time for friends and family? That is what it was like for me. And after two weeks I was ready to show her off and share her a bit.

When I had my first baby, there was about 30 people (not kidding) waiting outside in the waiting room while I was in labor. It was ridiculous. It was all my DH family, since my family lives 2000 miles away. There were people in my hospital room that I barely knew. I was so mad. I just had my first baby, was exhausted, and didnt want a million people there. It got so bad that the nurses told me to page them and ask for some lemonade because that is code for get these people out NOW!!! Im due with number 2 in a couple weeks and we are only telling my DH's parents that Im going to the hospital. After we have the baby and have had time to relax, we will send out the message to everyone to come visit.

Watch out for neighbors! Mine came over with food, which was sweet, but I really did not feel like chatting, what with my robe on and breasts leaking and hormones in a state. Put a sign on your front door that says you'll welcome visitors after such-and-such a date.

I'm totally with you on wanting alone time as a family for those few precious weeks! I was terribly annoyed with people and rushed them out of my house ASAP!

I felt the same way but you will have to kind of suck it up, so to speak, for the sake of hubby and family. I would advise you to excuse yourself when necessary to lie down or pump even if they r still there. Have hubby be the gate keeper and play host so you don't feel obligated to do so. Talk about it with hubby first so you both know the boundaries. I totally wanted to be left alone for a couple of weeks but it's hard to pull it off, especially when you're one of those people pleasers like I am. Working on that still.

Can his parents visit in the hospital? Are they close enough to do that? Could they come by and clean or cook while you're at pediatrician appointments? They want to meet the baby, but they probably also want to take care of you.

If they don't live close enough for any of that, just ask them to schedule a visit for 1 month after your due date. Then they'll know for sure that your son will have been born. That will be a little bit of a compromise for you possibly since your son may come late and you might not have as much time as you'd like, but it might help both you and them.

Also, since you mentioned breastfeeding, I encourage you to get in touch with a local La Leche League leader. They can help if you have any difficulties.

We had lots of family come from out of town when our son was born, we had guests staying at our house for the first 9 days and also people who lived in town dropping by. What I did to manage my sanity and get bonding time in without having to entertain was to set firm boundaries. My bedroom was off limits and everyone knew it. If I needed a nap or cuddle time with baby I would go in my room and people respected my space. Before baby was born I also stocked up my fridge, freezer, and pantry and then told people to serve themselves. I didn't have to cook, clean, or do laundry the whole time they were there because they all pitched in to help. It was great! My son got to bond with all of his loving family and I got some much needed support during that crazy week following birth.

Not all families are as helpful as mine but if your in-laws are you may want to consider allowing them in with boundaries in place.

I like what the others said about giving a couple of hours once a week for the in-laws to stop by. Then you can be prepared mentally for the visit. It also prevents you from offending them because you are compromising and allowing them to see the grandbaby. I kept a robe handy and would put it on over whatever I was wearing to answer the door if I didn't want to be disturbed. I would just say it wasn't a good time and suggest they call ahead next time. No hurt feelings that way. Good luck.

Well the hospital I was at could kick out your visitors if you needed them to. So you can tell them that you only want visitors during a certain time. When I got home my family was with me everyday and it drove me NUTS... I eventually ended up breaking down and crying because I was so stressed out. I had to tell my family only 2 or 3 visits a week and not a whole day visit. They understood and went with it. You really dont want to break down like I did. I wouldn't cut them off completely but let them know when it is ok and for how long. You might feel that you need a little help at that point too. Happy Holidays!

In my culture we have the 40 days no visitors tradition and I did respect it and that was my wish too. My husband was kind of mad at me about it but as we have no close family here, it wasn't a big deal. MIL and FIL came later and I end up slaving, cooking, cleaning and serving for two weeks while they were bonding with my baby. I was glad when they were gone even I do love them and I was glad I didn't have them earlier. My mom came later (just my mom) and this is when I was able to relax and enjoy my baby fully. I wished she were here right from the begining. It would have been a whole different story. She did all the cooking, cleaning and slaving for me while I was enjoying my baby. So it is very important why your in laws will be there. If they are helping, may be you should let them to come as often as they can, if they are coming to enjoy the baby while you are doing the slaving - NO, you don't need extra shores. By the way, later I found out from an article that it takes about 40 days for a baby to build up its immune system after it's born. I was glad I did respected my tradition even I wasn't sure why. Hope I was helpful. Wish you a good luck and fast recovery.

Well...I can understand his feelings. It's his baby too and while you have had 10 months to bond with your baby, he hasn't really had that opportunity. No matter what - pregnancy isn't about the man. So far, you seem to be continuing that - it's all about you and your feelings.

I have mixed feelings writing this because you'll have done most of the work and deserve to be pampered. But the truth is - your asking for something that could cause a major rift and affect your relationship in the future. You're not close to his family but I'm assuming he is. When you marry your spouse, you marry his family - that's how I've always looked at it.

Again, mixed feelings - my inlaws came when my baby was first born and I admit it - I sometimes needed my space from them. They didn't even do anything wrong - very loving and supporting. All they wanted to do was help but I wanted to hold my baby all the time. Of course, I also remember my MIL teasing me about it when my daughter was 2 and I kept handing her off to her when she came to visit! LOL!

Do they live in the area? Are you afraid they will come every day? Can't they come once a week or something?

First, I'd like to express that it is very important to decide the experience you want to have and lay the groundwork for it. But it is also very important to include your husband in this process, because while men go through different transitions than mom, they still go through them and because they do not have the same automatic "bond" that mom has, it can be very easy for them to not feel part of the process. I'm not saying that you should abandon your desires, but compromise (with hubby, not outsiders) should be found in some areas. The other thing I'd like to pass along is a warning, the experience that I thought I wanted just before my first was born and what I ended up wanting and doing were different. This experience was an important lesson for me as a parent. I plan and lay the groundwork, but I'm also prepared for things to change because that's what often happens when kids are in the picture. Good luck & may you enjoy this incredible experience!!!

I thought that I wanted to do this when my babies were born, and now that I look back on it I wish that I had let my parents more into those first few weeks. It would have been both a gift to myself and her for the bonding between us....

And I think that you should also consider the gift of giving your husband the opportunity to bond with his parents over the new baby. Fathers and his parents also have a bonding period and I think you do him a disservice if you don't give him the same opportunity that you have with your parents.

I think you need to be gracious and thankful that there are people wanting to visit you in this time of joy and happiness. After all...you have the rest of your life to bond with your baby....

I would feel as your husband does too if my husband does this to me. I think it's wrong so....please find it in your heart to be generous in sharing of your new baby! My family come over to my house all the time and over stay their welcome lots of times. However, I know they visit me often because they love me and want to be with me. So...I just suck it up and be thankful as many people in this world has no one who would visit them or congratulates them!

Be Thankfull that you do!

I am the same as you. We adopted so it was such an excited affair for all but I made it clear BEFORE we came home with our sons (we adopted twice) that I wanted some quiet time for us to get acquainted and used to of being parents. I waited a long time for such an occasion and wanted it all to my self. I was very protective and didn't want a bunch of hands all over my son and him being handled by different people. I wanted it to be intimate, for me and my husband and I'm glad that I did it that away. I don't think it's weird for you to want that at all. It's called having boundaries, some don't have those and don't understand all the drama they have in their lives. lol
Anyway, it's your child and your time, do it the way you feel comfortable. It will help you bond not feeling the added pressure to please others. Set up some time for later when things have settled down for a nice meeting when you feel more comfortable and in more control of being a new mom. Emails are great. You can send pictures to everyone. I would just be honest to your friends and family about how you are going to do it. If some get pushy or their feelings hurt, welcome to parenthood. Everyone has an opinion of how you should parent. Why not start at the beginning on putting your foot down on doing it YOUR way?
Congratulations. Hope it's a wonderful experience for you.
C.

I totally agree with Susan B. The baby is your husband's as well and you need to consider his desires as well as yours and come up with a compromise. It is very easy to offend family if you tell them to stay away. Especially if you are not close to them. These hard feelings could last a lifetime and could possibly fester into bigger problems later. Set limits like Susan suggested: no unannounced visits, and set up a small window (2-3 hours is plenty-I'd probably go with 2) once a week for visitors. You still have plenty of time for bonding. If you want to say "no visitors" the first few days you are home that is fine and people should understand. But weeks with no visitors can be offensive. I would also stress that anyone visiting has to be in good health. And that they understand you will not be entertaining them.

.