Want Some Cheese with Your Whine?!

Updated on August 07, 2009
Y.S. asks from Littleton, CO
12 answers

Our almost 7 year old daughter is such a whiner! And she only does it with me and dad. All her friends seem to be so much more mature than she is – she is so sensitive and whines and it’s driving us crazy. We’ve put her in timeout, taken away TV and/or her DS for it, but she has yet to learn her lesson. We now have a one year old too and we are not sure if a new sibling in the home has made it even worse. We notice she does it more often late at night close to bedtime, when she is obviously tired. Does anyone have any great advice? She will be starting the 2nd grade soon and I don’t want other kids to pick on her because she is over emotional and whining.

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M.R.

answers from Denver on

I simply told my son, "I can't understand what you're saying when you talk that way." And I would honestly pretend that I couldn't understand him. He whined because he wanted attention and he would get it as soon as he talked normally so that I could understand. I know it sounds too simple, but it really worked for me!

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B.P.

answers from Denver on

My daughter was the same way at 7 (now 9). What we did was ever the "whiny" voice came out, we just pointed and said straight to your room. No discussion, she would argue and whine more, no other words from our mouth but to your room. At first we would have to march her there but evenutally she would walk herself, either stomping or crying the whole way. After a week of that, she would catch herself. The whiny voice would come out, we would point and she would change her tone. You will never win an argument with a whiny chlild. Trying this at bedtime.... not so sure how that will be received. As for the emotional part, no advise there :) Good luck!!!

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C.T.

answers from Denver on

Hi Y., This sounds really familiar to me! I wonder if your daughter isnt just one of those kids like my son who tends to be really sensitive to the world around him.

The things that key me into this are that you say she seems more sensitive and less emotionally mature than other kids her age, she whines and it happens moreso at bedtime when she is tired and the addition of a new family member seems to maybe be making it worse. As the mom of a "sensitive" kid I'll tell you that when they are over-stimulated, they can be pretty annoying.

As adults, we learn to filter a lot of things going on in the background of our world and just focus on what we need to. A kid who is sensitive sees and hears and feels and smells every thing around them and it can become overwhelming and they live in a high-alert state emotionally which leads to the behavior issues and the whining, etc. We might have a small reaction to stimulation but their's seem huge and out of proportion.

Think of it as a bank account. Stimulation like going to school, homework, shopping, parties, crying babies, stinky diapers, poor sleep, TV, computer games all make withdrawals.

What makes a deposit are things like Gross motor movement, Motion and deep pressure stimulation - running, jumping, lifting, pulling, pushing, chewing, sucking, hugging, hanging etc.

If our kids are running at optimum and their sensory accounts arent getting depleted, then they can have mostly good days without all the whining and behaviors etc. When they live over-stimulated, then they just dont have the emotional resources to deal with stressors during the day.

Here are a couple of things we've done and it's made a huge difference - we have our "nice" son back rather than the pesty irritable one. If they help and you notice less whining, etc. - then you are on the right track with over-stimulation issues.

1. Turn off the TV and limit her computer and video game time drastically. Right now, my son gets 30 min of TV and 30 min of game time a day. Were going to cut that down further to 1-2 hours a week total once homework and sports start.

2. Lots and lots of exercise. Go for 2-3 gross motor activities a day. (running, jumping, biking up a hill, hanging on monkey bars, climbing, vacuuming, cleaning windows, pogo stick. Consider enrolling her in a sport.

Give her oppt'y to exercise before she gets overstimulated. My son takes a jog with my husband around the block before school and he gets to have playtime riding his scooter or bike and a snack before sitting down for homework.

4. Give her little doses of "sensory snacks" to make little deposits. (bunny hop to the car, pushing stroller, sipping from a water bottle, chewing gum or taffy, watering plants with a watering can, squeezing a stress ball or rolling modeling clay, build a blanket fort together and then read books inside, etc.

5. lastly, have fun. She doesnt even have to know why you're encouraging her to play. Discipline will only get you so far in this. If she really is having problems with stimulation issues, then she isnt even in a place where she can really hear you or do anything about it. The discipline becomes overstimulating in itself.

Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope my experience can help you in yours.

C.

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A.T.

answers from Denver on

"Oh, I can't hear whining! Take a deep breath and start again, sweetheart!" that's what I do, works pretty well most of the time, except when she's overtired. :)
good job mommin'!

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T.J.

answers from Pocatello on

I have sooo been there. My oldest was the worst whiner! My best bit of advice? Try to lose the frustration. I know that at times you probably just want to throw your hands up and banish her to her room for the rest of her life (I know I did), but showing your frustration only makes it worse. At least, I know it certainly escalated the emotional charge in my house. You say she does it more often when it's close to bedtime. So, send her to bed. Tell her her voice must be tired if it can't sound like a big girl's. I noticed it happened more with my daughter when we sprang something on her suddenly. She'd be playing and we'd come along and say, "Okay, time to get ready for bed." Instant meltdown. If we'd do, "Okay, in five minutes it'll be time to get ready for bed," she'd handle it much better.

As far as worrying about her being picked on at school... Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about this. Hopefully she'll pick up on the more mature behavior the others exhibit. We've been lucky so far and my oldest daughter (now 9, going into 4th grade) has gotten good teachers that have been able to help her with emotional control. Her first grade teacher had a little saying, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit," that worked wonders for her.

Hope this helps. If nothing else, know you're not alone in dealing with this.

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H.A.

answers from Denver on

"I'd be happy to talk with you when your voice sounds the same as mine." Or "Feel free to speak to me in a big girl voice." Do not respond to her when she is whining. She has you trained. You said it yourself; she only seems to do it with her parents. Read Parenting with Love and Logic, both of the above statements come straight from them.

Good Luck!

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N.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

We talked this to death with my daughter. Then we tried something new that works great. I interrupt her.

Mom: Oh, Daughter! I need you to pick up ONE thing off the floor and put it away.
dd: why?
Mom: I'm not answering why today. Just go do it and come right back. I'll wait for you.
DD:*&*(&
Mom: No, when mom asks you to do something you say 'yes mam' and go do it.
dd: but, &**(&(*
Mom: 2 things. Please pick up 2 things off the floor and put them away.
dd:....fine!
Mom: 3 things.
dd: [stomps off]
Mom: 5 things! and tell me when you're done
-----------------
dd: I put away 7 things
Mom: Thankyou! You're a good daughter. [hugs]
------------------
[later]
dd:[more whining]
mom: hmmmmm....[make a show of looking around for something that needs to be done: garbages, laundry, sometimes I just ask her to run upstairs and touch her bedroom door and then come back. It should start out ridiculously tiny so if she stops complaining and just does it, it was no big deal....Like taking ONE item out of the dishwasher and putting it away.]

Later, you can tell Dad (within dd's earshot) what you did with her...and that if she's going to keep whining, atleast your house will get super clean. ...and that'll make you happy.

Don't ever explain why at the time, though. It's just a quick break to point out what she's doing without actually pointing it out. She'll soon become very aware of when she's whining. and she'll learn to accept the gentle correction because fighting it will earn her a real job.

also, make sure she gets enough water, her meals on time, an hour of exercise per day, and to bed on time.

E.F.

answers from Casper on

Y.,
My advise is similar to what the others have said. I tell my girls this... "I can't listen when you talk like that, try again." I keep repeating it until they sound normal, and I can clearly understand what they are saying.
So I say, pick a phrase that you and your husband both like, and stick with it. She'll get it pretty fast. And just so that you get what I am saying here is true story...
My husband got a new job and we moved in for a month with his brother's family. Their kids whine so much! all the time for everything. We couldn't take it so whenever they whined at us I would say what I say to my kids. They were conditioned by the end of the month to talk to us with out whining and to their parents... they still whined. To this day (which it has been five years now) they still will talk to my husband and me without whining and whine to everyone else that will listen. Point is if you don't respond to the whining it will stop.
good luck!
E.

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C.H.

answers from Denver on

Yvettte,

I think this is one of those situations in parenting where we can't tell the child what to do and expect them to do it. We can't MAKE a child eat, or sleep, or stop whining. However, we can tell them what WE will do. Next time she whines, try telling her, "I'll be happy to listen when your voice is as calm as mine." Then ignore the whining. If she continues whining, be a broken record. Over and over again, say "I will listen when your voice is as calm as mine." (Or whatever sentence you choose. You could also say "I can't hear you when your voice sounds like that.") Kids are smart, and they do what works. If whining no longer works, she will quit using it. This is a concept taught by Dr. Charles Fay and Jim Fay, of Parenting with Love and Logic. I find their ideas very practical and useful with my own kids. Good luck; I know you can do it!

C. Hoffman, mom of two boys 9 and 11
www.EmbraceLifeParenting.com

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C.P.

answers from Provo on

For the most part, I think it is a stage. I can also see that with my kids being out for summer break from school is wearing on them. I am close to being crazy. They usually don't act the way they are acting now because they are bored. Also, you have got to realize that kids always act the worst to their own parents. Her friends' parents are probably saying, "I wish my kids acted that mature!" Her younger sibling may be to blame for some of it. When she starts school and realizes that she gets to be with her friends and do other fun things because she is more independent things should change. Just keep reinforcing that she is so lucky to be going to school and give her lots of positive things to look at in her future. She is probably very frustrated with her own situation right now.

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J.N.

answers from Salt Lake City on

You're not alone Y.. This is a common issue among kids in the primary grades, and it can be hard to get rid of, mostly because it's hard to not give it attention.

I've goine through the whines with all my kids (still dealing with it with my youngest). Make sure she understands what you mean when you tell her to not whine (you may need to demonstrate, at a time when neither of you are grumpy, the difference between a whine and a big girl voice.) Then, I would do one thing only with her whining... tell her "I can't understand you when you whine. I need you to use a big-girl voice so that I can hear what you are saying." Give her praise when she does use the big girl voice afterwards. You don't have to give her what she wants just because she used a big girl voice (determine that based on what she's asking, just as if the whining wasn't an issue at all) but give her recognition for using the big girl voice. Warning, this will take time. It's not going to get all better in a month or two, and some days may seem worse again, but there should be slow improvement as you go.

You also mentioned that you don't want kids to pick on her because of her being overly emotional. Is this the whining you're referring to or is she very emotional in other ways too? (My daugter was like this, I've helped her through and I might be able to give you some advice, but I don't want to give too much that you don't need. Let me know).

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D.C.

answers from Grand Junction on

I'm not sure how well this would work with a 7-year-old, but with my 2-year-old, I say things like, "Say that again?" or "Use a regular voice." or "I can't understand you." When she whines at me I don't give her what she wants (attention, toys, permission for whatever she's asking, snacks, etc.) until she repeats her words in a normal tone. Hope this helps.

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