I had a parent teacher conference today for my son who is in pre-k. He is 4 years old, with a July birthday so he is a lot younger than some of the other kids in his class. It doesn't bother me at all that they suggested holding him back, because its already something I have been considering since my sister is an elementary education teacher and told me that boys tend to mature slower than girls (this is not new information, obviously this is common knowledge, generally speaking).
They told me that he does not participate when the teachers ask the group to do something (i.e. sit down at the beginning of the day to write their names, etc). I witnessed this type of behavior last year during parents week when he was in preschool. All of the kids were playing in the gym in groups, but when the teachers asked all of the kids to line up for red light/green light, he began pouting and refused to play the game. He has done this in a few other situations at birthday parties and such. It is like he has issues with structured activities. They also said that he plays more independently rather than with other children; however, this is a complete 180 from how he is at home or when he is around me. We have play dates with friends and he plays very well WITH friends doing things like make believe and games. He also is outgoing when we are at the play ground and will go up to kids we don't know and ask them to play, but it seems at school like he is shy, insecure, or plain just not interested in making friends and following what the teachers ask him to do.
I am just worried that a year is not going to fix these types of behaviors and wonder if there are things I should be doing with him to try and help him get past these issues. The teachers say it is all a maturity issue, but I'm not so sure that is all it is about. Do I wait and see how it plays out next year to see if he has improved or do I start doing something about it now?
Thank you all for your advice. I really helps to put things into perspective, he is only 4 years old. I was just a little shaken after the conference because it caught me off guard hearing about my sons behavior. The more I think about it, talk about it and pray about it, I feel like it is something that we will need to decided closer to next school year while keeping our options open for either situation. The most important thing to me above everything else, is that my son enjoys his school experience and doesn't miss out on anything due to a lack of confidence.
I wonder how much is HIM... and how much is the particular school/teacher he's with?
Yeah. I know. One MORE thing to think about.
Some kids don't like structured activities. Does this mean there is something wrong with them? Does this mean they are less mature? Does this mean you need to do something?
I think not. Some kids need to run free. They are kids, after all. Your son is only 4. It sounds to me like he likes running free. So let him run free. Again, he is only 4. 4 year olds are suppose to run free, not listen to teachers and participate in structures activities. I know, I know, everyone wants their kids to succeed, but all the evidence shows that kids should not have structured formal learning until 5 or 7. Finland took our research, put it to work, and is beating us in tests.
Let his interest lead, and you cannot lose. If he is happy and outgoing on the playground, then take him to the playground, put him in more situations where he is confident, and eventually that confidence will transfer elsewhere.
My son, who is also a July birthday, made significant progress in maturity last spring and summer. Prior to that we were leaning towards repeating pre-k. Register for both pre-k and k, keep your options open.
Most kids, ARE different in school, than they are at home.
So that is NOT unusual.
I know. I have 2 kids, who went to Preschool. And I know MANY kids who did as well, both girls and boys.
Next, in a matter of even a couple of months, kids can make great strides and jumps, in behavior and maturity.
Some kids just get used to 'school' differently than others.
Teachers, KNOW that.
How long... has he been in PreK????
Some kids take longer to adapt than others.
Again, that is NOT unusual.
ALL kids, adapt differently.
Next: overall, DOES your son, like school or not???
Talk with him at home.
Don't convey that something is "wrong" with him.
He is probably still just adapting/adjusting to school.
**Adding This: ALSO, not all preschools are the same. Some are highly... structured and their expectations. Some are not and are a combination of structure and 'play' learning.
And the approach the school has toward children... vary too. Some are nurturing. Some are not.
AND you also need to remember: that this is what Preschool is for... for a child to get used to, 'school.' And thus, prepared for Kindergarten, in various aspects.
It's only November. Stay in touch with the teachers; ask them to clue in periodically on how your son is doing. A year, or even less, makes a big difference. It's not unusual for a child to be one way at home or with a small group and another at school. Just keep loving your boy and encouraging him. By next spring you'll know what to do.
School just started. He has an entire year before kindergarten. There is a huge difference between 4 and 5. There is starting to be some good information showing that holding kids with late birthdays back is not good for them - either in the short term or long term. A July birthday was never a late birthday in the past - I have one and I was always right in the middle of the pack age wise. There is absolutely nothing wrong with independent play. I would give it the year and decide. You can always register him for kindergarten (here that is in February) and withdraw him up to the starting date without any sort of penalty.
A., maybe it is a maturity issue, maybe it isn't. But it's a bridge you cross when you get to it. He needs the year to get older, so go ahead and give it to him.
My younger son needed an extra year too - he would have been the youngest in the class too. He didn't have the same issues your son has, but the pre-K knew their stuff, and I trusted them.
Dawn
I think that Oct/Nov is too early to make a decision on whether or not to repeat ANY grade but especially pre-k. A month or two can make a world of difference in maturity at this age so 8 more months of school this year AND the summer could amaze you. I suggest taking it under advisement and asking the teacher not to make a decision like that this early. Both should keep an open mind. Discuss his progress again in late March/early April and again just before the end of the school year. At that time, and not sooner, make an informed decision based on what is best for him.
As far as him being younger than a lot of kids in his class, ANY child born in the last two months before an age cut off is going to be the youngest. If you were to hold him back/make him repeat, he's going to be a year older than the youngest/will be the oldest. Each holds it's own trials for a child.
Yes, in general, boys do mature later than girls but it doesn't mean they aren't ready for K. And kids do tend to be different at home and school. My daughter is a complete wild child at home (Tornado Cheyenne is what we sometimes call her). She's not bad but she goes from one thing to the next, high energy...like the Energizer Bunny on crack. At school, she stays on task, plays well with others (she does at home too but she's nicer at school and not as moody). It's about their environment, comfort level, and expectations.
Every child is different and normal is a range not a specific objective. You can't hold a child of 4yr 2 months to the same exact standard as a child of 4yr 11 months on everything across the board (realizing that even those born on the same exact day would have some variations and still be normal). I have found that when people (parents, relatives, teachers) expect something (immaturity vs age appropriate maturity, socialization or lack of) that is what they see most and tend to draw out of the child. Keep your expectations high but be objective AND realistic...it will help him more than you know.
I think it is so sad to expect a child to fail, not improve over the next 10 months. That IS how long it is before he starts Kindergarten. My goodness they just seem to want to hold them back sooner and sooner.
I think it is odd to even consider it at this early stage in school. If it were April or May then I "might" take the teachers words in to consideration. I think they should be with their age group and if they really really really need to be held back for not being smart enough later then it's okay.
They are passing so many new educational laws where if the child doesn't make a certain grade on the tests in reacing they can hold them back, lawfully, without your consent for up to 2 years.
I would worry about him after kindergarten and if he is still not up to the level he needs to be then think about repeating a grade.
In all my years in child care every kids goes through a mental development around the age of 5, the world suddenly starts making sense and they just start soaking it up like a sponge.
Hi A.,
In my opinion, he is little but he is doing fine.
I have to tell you that I wish someone told me years ago when I enrolled my kid in Kindergarten, to wait one more year. It is true that boys mature later, a thing of nature, perhaps not all of them and you will listen successful stories about it, but still most of boys mature later even when they are very smart and good at academics.
Your little one is just adjusting to a different environment, new friends and a few new rules in a more structured atmosphere, and in spite of that he is doing WONDERFULLY. You know your kid BETTER than anyone and it is your decision to pull him out and wait, enroll him in a gym class, art class, take him to the playground, play dates, etc or give him a chance since the school year has just started. Actually, don't see any problem at all with his social skills, he is smart and social; he is JUST learning about life, changes and new things outside his home and outside HIS COMFORT ZONE, that is!
Another thing to take in consideration is the teacher and the school. You still have the chance to move him to another pre-K where they meet your kid's needs. You may find another better approach in another pre-K or from another teacher, . There are good and bad teachers, modern and more classical teachers with different perspectives and approaches who will know how to deal with different characters and levels of maturity without make a big deal out of it. Teachers, nowdays, are more focused on finding a behavioral problem, a lack of social skills issue or a syndrome more than teaching itself, actually. They are under a lot of pressure because education is going through a crisis and changes are being made to enhance it, so pressure is there for schools and teachers, and kids are suffering (excessive homework, lack of real socialization, etc.)
I am sorry, I am sure there are plenty of moms and teachers who will not agree with me, but I am a former teacher, I am a mom, I am a home school mom and I have felt exactly what you are feeling right now.... many times. It is your decision, do what makes you feel better and what your kid will be successful with. Enjoy his age, go, laugh and have fun with him..by playing little kids learn LOTS of things!..Don't worry one more minute..be happy!
I agree with Riley J, my first thought was if he plays well in a group with you and outside school it is possible the school/teacher and your son are not a good fit. Do the extra year and if, halfway through, things have not improved maybe re-evaluate at that time.
Well I agree that it's too early to decide whether or not you want to hold him from Kindergarten, but it's not too early to talk about it. If the teacher had waited any longer then you would have said, why didn't you mention these issues to me sooner?! You have to start now so that you can prepare and add in some strategies before you run out of time.
That being said, I think it's pretty good advice to enroll him in both and see how the summer goes. As you said, you're already considering keeping him in PreK one more year, which is smart. That year will make a huge difference. I know it may seem like now that you're not sure if it will be enough time, but it will. A lot happens in a year...shoot, a lot happens in just a few months, so for now I'd keep working on things with him that you both have targeted as needing work and go from there.
He is doing fine with play dates and on the playground. Keep that up and have plenty of play dates for him. Take him to short-term, once-a-week classes that are "mom and me" for a while (tumbling, kids' art classes, etc -- look at your local parks and recreation department or community center, etc.) Those kinds of classes can help him to get used to the idea of an adult other than mommy who is telling him to do things; your presence there lets him know it's OK for him to let another adult lead him. Eventually enroll him in a class or two on his own when he's ready. I'm talking about six- to 10-week kid classes here, NOT Sept-to-June commitments! Otherwise he's fine. He's still very young. He does need that time to mature, however; if he started K as you describe things, he would be overwhelmed SO quickly. In K, kids must be able to go along with the group and stop and start activities when asked -- and he is not there. And there is no rush!
K is much, much more demanding and fast-paced than it was when we were kids and the teachers are under the gun to have K kids take certain tests and meet certain goals. Too stressful for your son, in even one year's time.
Do hold him back now. I know a boy who should have repeated K, and his parents were advised he should do so, because of maturity issues. But since he "tested off the charts" on intelligence his parents sent him on anyway. It took him until about fourth grade to really get himself together, when starting first grade just one year later migiht have really helped.
My son was like this at age 4. For example, we signed him up for smart start soccer and then later that year into t-ball. He pretty much refused to do what the coaches asked the whole time. If your son is like mine it is just a maturity issue.My son totally outgrew this. He started Kindergarten at age 5 and did fine. I will say that by about age 6 (1st grade) he was suddenly a very different guy and going to school really helped him to mature. Honestly I was amazed at how much he matured in a couple years. He is 7 now and loves sports, follows what the teachers say, etc.
