Was This Rude?

You did not do anything wrong. The friends mom was wrong to string you along. If the amusement park wasn't going to work for them, for whatever reason, they should have just told you from the start and let you make plans with someone else.

I think what she did was reasonable considering the circumstances, and what you did was a reasonable response. Don't worry about it. Plans change with kids. Neither of you were rude, imo.

Yeah this kind of sucks but it happens. Sometimes plans fall through, and not all parents handle plans and follow through perfectly.
I really don't get why you mentioned that this girls parents are divorced, are you making judgements or assumptions or what? As someone who has raised three kids, and worked and volunteered within the school and community for many years I can tell you being married has NOTHING to do with etiquette or good manners.
If this happened with one of my kids they would have just called another friend, what's the big deal?

Kids have it hard with divorced parents. Parents have it hard especially when they don't have their kids for long periods of time. When my kids were younger I shared custody with my ex, 5 days was the longest away from me, I used to call the two days they got back detox because they were never the kids I sent away and they had to remember how to behave, what was expected.

So I am saying cut mom some slack, I am sure she is doing the best she can and didn't mean to mess up your child's plans. I don't think it was unreasonable for you to change the plans either. Just kind of hard on everyone.

No, you were not rude. This day didn't work out. It's reasonable to not try for a later day and different activity at this time. I suggest she was rude to agree on a certain date and then cancel at the last minute. Because this involved a limited time to use the coupon I suggest that she at the very least, was thoughtless. I hope your daughter had someone else to go with her.

I would consider this a lesson learned. I would be careful in planning ahead with this mom, knowing she may cancel at the last minute.

If my child had to complete some responsibilities, I'd be sure to call back. Geez, the reason she canceled is unrelated to her first proviso.

I don't understand the dilemma really. You invited the other child to accompany your daughter to an activity. Her mom handled it poorly. Then asked you to change your invitation to something else. Then wanted you to curtail the activity to fit other activities her child had (that she failed to tell you about in advance). She should have just said, "Sorry, Abigail can't come that day." She didn't. She handled it poorly and her child may be upset, but it isn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong.
Don't worry about it at all.

I wouldn't give it a second thought. Honestly, I think it was rude of the mom to ask you to change your plans. I hope your daughter was able to find another friend to go with her. The girl's mom really should have told you initially it just wasn't going to work.

It's unfortunate that plans fell through. That said, I don't think it's helpful to ponder if something was 'rude'... it sounds like there was just a mismatch and both parties did what they needed to do.

I agree with what Julie S stated about families where the parents are divorced-- it can be hard on everyone. I also agree with Annette about letting go where there's no reciprocation/receptivity. We have had to do that, and I know it's hard to see our kid disappointed, yet I also no I've extended myself reasonably far enough in regard to trying to communicate/make a playtime with that friend. Shrug. Accept it and let go.

The invitation was to go to the amusement park. She agreed, then she backed out. There may be other factors, such as the mom feeling that her kid gets too worn out or worked up (perhaps with the dad, where Mom has no say/control), or maybe she just didn't think her own feelings through. Or maybe she didn't look at the soccer schedule. Who knows? But you are within your rights to make last-minute plans with someone else because she bailed out.

I'd let it go, and assume that she has her hands full with a crazy schedule. So I'd be a little kind and sympathetic, but I wouldn't feel badly about not agreeing to a quiet play date. She bailed on you, not the other way around.

My kids are older, but this kind of reminds me of the way I sometimes used to approach the parents of their friends when they were younger. It seems you have been chasing a get together all summer, yet it never works out. It's probably not personal, but I think the right thing to do would have been let this go a long time ago. Encourage your DD to make plans with other friends who are more accessible. With school starting, she will she be seeing her friend more often? It's ok to let her just be a "school friend" to look forward to that, and let the kids take the lead on planning any future get-togethers. If they remain good friends, the older they get, the easier this is going to be as they will naturally start taking the lead in making plan proposals first, and checking in with parents for permission and/availability second.

All of this happened via text or e-mail? Or did you actually TALK WITH her?

If you spoke with her - was she driving?

The whole conversation seems "iffy" from your "okay let me know" to her "only if"...to be brutually honest? It sounds like she didn't want her daughter to go and was making excuses. Were you making this all inclusive or was she going to have to bring money for food, etc?

I take it you were going to Heritage Amusement Park? Did she know that the ticket was "free" to her daughter? Don't assume anything.

With the information given at this point - this is my opinion:

I don't think the mom EVER TRULY confirmed that her daughter was going. So EVERYONE made assumptions. I think you both failed at communication. You didn't give date and time (to go and possible return) and told her that there was no cost to her.

She kept you at arms length and NEVER confirmed - it was always "IF".

The mom did NOT change plans at the last minute. SHE NEVER confirmed. Communication fail on EVERYONE's part.

You were not rude. This was caused by her mother. Not you. She placed too many restrictions on your generosity. Don't take the responsibility for her hurt feelings onto yourself.

I agree with the others. How the other mom handled it was rude. She should have known about these activities in advance and made you aware of them. I had a friend do this very thing to us a few weeks ago. We changed our schedule and waited for them, all for her to say they could not do it now because too much time had passed. The rest of the day was a disaster; the baby was off his nap schedule and my DD did not get to see her friend. Needless to say the friendship just kind of ended after that. I would not let it bother you. You did what you could. That is all you can do.

I find there are people out there who make loose plans. This sounds like the case here. When you said save the date - she may not have taken that to mean we made firm plans, we've accepted your invitation. I have known people like that. I find it rude - but they don't intend to be. They tend to have crazy lives and they rearrange plans constantly. They feel others should adjust, but they don't tend to get too bent out of shape if you don't.

I extend invites and expect a yes or no. Once they start dickering about with plans to the point where it inconveniences us - I cancel. I just do as you do. I say I think we'll move on. A friend uses that term and I borrowed it - it works well in situations like this. It just means this isn't working out - we'll find friends it works better with. We're moving on.

The only thing you could have done, was pick up the phone and just explain this all instead of by text. I find when plans get complicated or weird, sometimes a quick call goes a long way.

But you did the right thing. Put your daughter first. I just would remember these people are like this, and those kinds of friends we tend to do things with on the day (like call up and say would you like to come over) rather than make involved plans with in advance.

It sounds like the other mom had not really thought through her "feelings" about a trip to the amusement park that day. Which, yes, is rude in the sense that it caused her to string along you and your DD. I hope your DD can have a fun day with another friend!

Rude? No.

Inconvenient? Sure.

Split households are hard. I see parents struggle with that all the time. It is what it is. Move on.

I don't think YOU were rude, if that's your question. I'm not sure if the friend was rude either, but definitely inconsiderate in the way that people who hate to say "no" can be, thinking - somehow someway - that they're being "nice" by not saying "no". I tend to stop making plans with such people because their follow through is too iffy.

I have decided, at the last moment, to not let our girl do something because she flat out refused to do a chore that she was required to do. It took one time to convince her that I meant business. She occasionally tests that boundary but in the end will do the chore if she truly wants to go.

One of the girls in my girl's dance group has a mom like that. SO it makes it very hard on the rest of the girls when this mom decides her girl can't come to dance that week or can't go to a competition because her grades aren't A's. They have to adjust their routine at the last minute and sometimes it affects how they score.

I realize that doing things this way gives those consequences to more than just the girl too. So I try to do everything I can to make sure she does what I want her to do in a timely matter.

If that girl had truly wanted to go and her mom had really planned at all for her to go with you she would have done everything she could to get it done on time. So I don't think one of them wanted her to go to the park with you, ever.

The girl was invited to join in and go to an amusement park on a certain day. This girl turned down the invitation. So your girl has every right to invite someone else. Don't let this mom tarnish the trip/event. It sounds like she's a master at manipulating those into doing what she wants.

IF the girl really has a problem doing what she's asked then she choose to not go or she'd have done the chores. If she did them but the mom still found issues to keep her from going then the mom never planned on this girl getting to go. Sorry.

I hope your kiddo had a blast at the park without her friend. She might want to stretch out her friendship arms and make a few new friends too. This way she can invite the other girl to things in town, without having to go anywhere special and your girl would have friends that can go to parks and things to have fun.

,

No, I don't think it was rude, it's just life, I go through the same thing trying to schedule things with other parents, and because of logistics, little brothers, and other plans, sometimes it is just easier to go to the park alone than to keep postponing a visit because someone else can't make it, and ending up with a disappointed kid who didn't get to go have fun because of relying too much on others. If your daughter cannot reschedule the amusement park visit with her friend (like say, for next Saturday), I don't see why your daughter should suffer not going because her friend has other activities that day. I'd let your daughter go with someone else, and then schedule something fun for the next weekend with this girl so she doesn't feel left out.

When the mother said she could go "only if she takes care of some responsibilities," that would have been my cue to have a backup plan because that is already implying a 50% chance of her being unable to go, and I like having all my ducks in a row. The mother never should have agreed to her daughter going, considering she had soccer practice -- a planned activity. Had it been some last minute thing like having to go see her dad in another city because he is in the hospital, I could understand, it is an unforeseen circumstance, but soccer practice follows a schedule, she knew the schedule and the fact her daughter would be tight on time at the park, and still said yes to this activity. Did you mention your plans and the time block ahead of time? Maybe the mom said yes because she thought the activity would be something short and relaxed, like dinner and a movie, not 5-6 hours in a high-energy amusement park.

Anyhow, if this friend is unable to spend time with your daughter next weekend, I would just put the ball back in her mother's court and tell her to contact you in advance (at least 3 days' notice) whenever the daughter would be available for a get-together with your daughter. Then, leave it up to her. If the mother doesn't make an effort to reach out and coordinate something, that tells you all you need to know, and you can move on and spend time with people who are more reliable and DO make an effort to make plans and get together.

It sounds to me like everyone did what they needed to do.
She doesn't want her child to start the school year exhausted after a long (fun, but long) day, and you want your child to do something special the last day before school starts.

It would have been better to have more communication between the parents, but sometimes that just doesn't happen. Make plans for the girls to get together some other time.

Of the above info, the only thing I find a bit rude is your statement that since the invited friend couldn't go "she [your daughter] would contact some other friends". I would have just said "sorry she can't make it" and left it at that. The "other friends" part seems to be thrown in there to make the other child feel even more badly about missing out, when she probably is already disappointed. But certainly you were not rude to say that you wanted to keep your original plans.

I understand where you're coming from and why you included the fact that the parents are divorced. It allowed people who had or have young kids while divorced to let you know it can be more complicated. I don't think you were judging!! I can see your frustration - disappointing their daughter when it was out of your control but it comes with guilt anyway. You certainly weren't rude and as time goes on managing my kids and their friends, I've learned how other mothers operate and adjust my planning accordingly. And I explain that to my kids. At least school is starting so they can see each other at school.

It was rude, but maybe unintentional. It sounds like the mom is a flake when it comes to planning things. The 'some responsibilities', soccer practice, and timing of the outing before school should have been things she considered *before* committing to that date/plan.

I've encountered this sort of thing too. It's not worth getting upset about, but I'd no longer extend invitations to them that need a firm commitment. Example: If you're having a casual birthday party and don't need a headcount, invite. If you need a firm RSVP for a pay-by-person event, don't invite her. If your daughter wants to go to a theme park with just 1 friend, it's probably best to choose a more reliable option.

Added: If anyone reading has difficulties juggling life and making plans - I keep a detailed Google calendar with all work, personal, kid, school, and social events for every person in my household. My life has been much improved by it, reducing stress and occasions of uncertainty. It's really easy to maintain once you get started.

Things that repeat, like birthdays, clubs, or reminders to do something regularly can be added once then set to auto-populate going forward at the interval you choose. (I even have a monthly entry ♀ so I'm not taken by surprise by that delightful female event. :-p )

Our school year does not start until next month, but when the 2016-17 district schedule was put up in July I took a few minutes to enter all the important school district dates enter through next June into my calendar. The September newsletters from individual schools have also been sent, so I entered school-specific dates as I read through those.

Yesterday, one of my kid's friends asked if he could come over on Sunday at 2pm. The calendar showed that time would work and I entered the plan. My husband is linked to the calendar, so he can see what I add and he can enter things too.

I think friendships go through kind of romantic phase when it is all "Oh, you like red wine? I do, too! Your kid is 5, so is mine!" And, then like romance you gradually see the reality: They like red wine just the way you do, but they have no issue with spilling that wine all over your white sofa. There child is 5, but likes to throw blocks down your stairs, while your child is happily doing art projects. You've learned something about your friend...for whatever reason, forward planning isn't something she can do...maybe it is work, family, personality, but not something she can do. I think in a case such as yours, I'd say: When your schedule firms up, send me an e-mail with some dates you'd like to get together. Cause of our schedule, I need two weeks (or a week, whatever) notice. In short, send over a bottle of red wine, and let her drink it at her house on her white sofa!

I don't think it was rude. Some people have a lot going on. Also, maybe the other mom anticipated extra expenses with the trip to the park and didn't have the money. Even if the buddy pass was free, mom may have felt she needed to send DD with lunch/snack money and didn't have it.