so my fiance and i are trying to make wedding plans. we've decided we'll get married in july 2012. we're getting married in his church, since we both attend there now (my church starts to early to get 3 kids ready and drive 45 minutes to get there). I'm fine getting married in his church, even though that's where his first marriage was. i really would enjoy his pastor marrying us. however, my bigger sticking point is the reception. his first reception was at the church as well. i want to have our reception somewhere else. i would like to be able to have some alcohol there. i'm not planning on people getting drunk, but at least a champagne toast. and i want this to be different. its a different marriage. but he is looking at it as a cost thing. he thinks it will be cheaper to do everything at the church. he doesn't even want to entertain other options.
he acts like he doesn't even want the wedding (he wants to get married to me, but he's already had his church wedding so its not important to him this time). this is my first and only marriage so i feel i should be able to have my wedding. i'm not asking for anything too big. a real wedding dress (his ex wore a prom dress), a reception not where his first was, just things like that. is that really too much to ask??
**EDIT**
I should tell you, it was my choice to get married in his church. i love his church and it is a new pastor there. so the building is the only thing that is the same. i want a church wedding and his pastor to marry us. that was my choice, because the actual ceremony is about us. however, is just the reception i don't want at the church. I think i will take the advice and look up other places to have the reception and present them to him. thanks for the advice. I can't remember who said something about scaling back with the dress and other areas of the wedding. i'm already working on that. the dress i'm planning to get is 300 before alterations. and we're planning to do the flowers ourselves and things like that.
Nope not too much to ask. He needs to get on board and realize you have never done this before. You want me to call him???? lol!
I did not read the other responses so maybe someone already suggested something like this. If money is the issue with him, you could rent a hall that has tables and chairs and have the food catered. If you live near a university, you could hire students as servers (many do this for caterers anyway to make money) and tell them to wear black pants and white shirt with a black apron maybe. This would be much cheaper than having a banquet place cater the food and servers etc. You can pretty much rent everything for a low cost if you shop around.
Is anyone serious about getting married if they set a date more than a year away? Did you mean July 2012?
Sounds like the honeymoon is over and you're not even married yet. If your husband-to-be is this dismissive of your needs and wants at this stage, how will he be 10 years from now? I'd seriously reconsider the whole thing, or get some pre-marital counseling.
I would have a quiet conversation with him in your most composed voice and express to him exactly what you are feeling. Don't whine or accuse him of not caring, but let him know that you do not intend on having another wedding and that you would like to have a day that is unique to the two of you as a couple. Then present him with a couple of realistic options.
If this is about cost for him then scale-back on items that aren't a priority:
- You can find a "real dress" for under $500.
- Luncheons are as much fun as dinners
- You don't need a DJ to have good music if you have an iPod and a decent set of speakers (if you even want dancing)
- Restaurants often do beatiful lunch packages (including a champagne toast a beer/wine) at a very reasonable rate
- You don't need a limo
- You can scale-back the photography package
- You don't need a professional video
You make a solid point here regarding the fact that you don't want to replicate the first wedding, but be prepared to make other sacrifices to stay within budget. If he agrees to have the reception elsewhere, then be prepared to abstain from complaining or asking for more in other areas.
Not too much to ask at all!
~Sounds like you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your fiance!
We got married out in Idaho and sounds crazy, but we had our reception at the local Elks Club. (its actually a really nice building!) It was really cheap if you have something like that you can check out for the reception.
Good luck, weddings are so hard to plan. But I really don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This is a very special day for you, fight for your rights!
Lynsey
I have to disagree with the idea that every little girl dreams about her wedding. I didn't really give it much thought!
That said, in your situation, it sounds like you have strong feelings about this and should have a good conversation with your fiance. Guys can be a bit dense about this, and it might be helpful to really explain to him that this is the ONE time you plan on getting married, and while you are very happy to have the wedding at your family church, you do want to have a champagne toast, which isn't permitted at the church. You, his prospective wife and bride, would like to have your own special memories and tradition and not just feel like it's a re-run of his first wedding.
I don't know, but are you and your fiance doing any premarital counseling? It's very helpful and would be a good place to bring this up. If not, I'd actually call the pastor and ask his advice, if he's approachable. You would be able to get a man's perspective on it.
Me personally, I don't think it's too much to ask. I avoided these kinds of plans as much as possible: courthouse wedding with the ex. My husband and I were married at our favorite pub, with adult family and friends in attendance. I wore a plaid skirt, a vintage sweater I loved and our son on my back in a carrier! *BUT* this was the wedding we wanted, and we wouldn't have done it any other way.
It's not too much to ask for your partner in life to be willing to bend and compromise on spending a little more money on something that is really very important to you. If it's all about saving money, find a way to cut corners in another area of your wedding or household budget to make it possible. Do your research. Put together a few altnerative scenarios with dollar amounts. Then ask if your fiance will consider because it is very important to you. If you have a hard time working with him on this issue, be warned, this could be just the tip of the iceberg on financial disconnect.
We had our recpetion at our Local Knights of Columbus hall, you can also check out places like VFW etc. they are usually reasonably priced. Or rent a tent and have an outdoor reception at a local park if they let you do that sort of thing by you...
I don't think it's too much to ask for, it's your first wedding afterall. Before you start planning and spending though, you should sit down and have a serious talk about it.
Start things off right, communicate about what each of you wants, what's important, how much you're going to spend, etc and find ways to compromise when necessary.
We had a similar problem, wanted a church wedding, but wanted to serve alcohol and have dancing. So we used a hall about 15 minutes away, worked out just fine! My husband and I got married at 23, planned and mostly paid for the whole thing ourselves. Unlike many people, we planned it all together, my husband took a very active role in every aspect. He's that kind of a guy though. I think some men just cannot handle all the planning and the buying and stuff. Just find a way to do it together without it becoming a problem. Remember-it's about the marriage, not the wedding.
Since it's July, perhaps you can find an outdoor spot that is either free or super cheap to rent. Then you can have some alcohol and keep things casual yet festive!
I understand you not wanting to have your reception in the same hall. You need to fight him on this one and be prepared with other cost effective solutions!
Enjoy your day!
Not to much to ask at all! You should definitely have the reception somewhere else....if you don't, you'll probably regret it later. Plus, if your fiance acts like "he doesn't even want the wedding" anyway, he should just let you do the planning. :)
No, it's not too much to ask. You have legitimate wants. I do hope you guys get pre-marital counseling. Most churches offer it and it really does help with these types of things.If he can't even budge on this, it makes me wonder what kind of husband he will be.
Its your wedding too! He needs to come down to earth about this...You both need to be happy and if you are not than you have a problem. I would do your research on places you find reasonable and present those options. You need to stand firm and put your foot down and do not agree to having everything at the church or you will be bitter and resentful later.
No, that isn't too much to ask for. Just talk with him, and pour your your heart to him. Remind him it's your first marriage and you aren't trying to go all out and spend lots of money, just want to have a nice memory of it. Maybe do a little front work, find a few different options to present to him of places that aren't too expensive and you would like. Sometimes seeing everything on paper in front of you helps men.
Good Luck!
.
You need to remind him he had his first great wedding - you have not and you deserve to have everything special to your liking for your special day. Agree on a budget, see what your parents will chip in and tell him YOU are planning the wedding, not him.
Be forewarned....this stubbornness over finances and the 'extra' costs and the inability to see your side WILL definitely repeat itself over and over and over in your marriage the rest of your married lives. Most men have very little input to their weddings, especially a 2nd one. His input sounds controlling. You can get all the input you want, from us, from pastors, from parents, but int he end, you both need to be able to learn to compromise on your own turf. And if you go along with this level of input from him, you will need to forever.
I'm with you-have the reception somewhere else.
No it is not too much to ask, Girls dream of the wedding boys do not. I would sit down with him and have a long talk. I would also see if your family would be willing to help financially to make your dreams come true. This is a marage of 2 people so these 2 people need to have input on how the wedding is too. Compramise!! Communicate!!! Understanding!!! all key points in a successfull marrage.
Tell him that this is important to you and you are already compromising on getting married in the same venue he did before. I had a simple wedding but there were still things I wanted. You are not being unreasonable.
Other places to have a reception: someone's yard, a VFW, a historic site, a park, a county building.
We got married in a garden (by my pastor) and had a reception at an historic county building.
One one of those wedding shows there was a father who was SO fixated on the budget he wanted his daughter to either wear a $200 gown or borrow one. I wanted to strangle him through the TV. He could afford it, but his penny-pinching ways were going to ruin his relationship with his daughter. In the long term, which would be more beneficial - the reception you can look back and be happy on, or saving a few hundred bucks because he doesn't want to budge? I'm not saying money isn't important, but if you can afford it, then why not spend just a little for your big day?
If he's unwilling to let you have some of the wedding you want, it would make me wonder if he's unwilling to compromise on all the other things that come along with a marriage. Or will he expect you to do all the compromising? Is he really willing to make your married life a priority or is he giving lip service to it?
A friend of mine wanted to be married. Her BF went along with it and it seemed that he was fine with it but in the end they got divorced because he really didn't want to be married but didn't know how to tell her. It happens sometimes.
I once went to a wedding at a nice hotel. They got married there, the bridal party stood along the back of the room so guests could say congrats/shake hands as they got up from the wedding, then everyone went to the next room and had a cake and champagne reception. It was very tasteful but low cost. I think it took 2 hours start to finish. If feeding everyone and doing the music/dance thing isn't in your budget, perhaps a cake & champagne reception would be more appropriate.
my hubby's first wedding was at the court house, mine was the typical big wedding. so for our wedding we had a 'destination' wedding. we went to laughlin nv and got married on the riverboat. there was about 40 ppl who went for the 4 day weekend. it was great. even tho it was 'casual', i still wore a wedding dress and him a tux. we had a cake and bar on the boat and after everyone ate at the casino for the 'reception'. maybe look to see if another church will let you use your own pastor. there may be a cost but it may end up being less (and easier) in the long run. i hate wedding that have a separate reception you have to drive to, seems so much easier to just have it all in one place. but we did our wedding on a budget. don't lose focus of the reason for the wedding. it goes by very fast, enjoy every minute!!!
Every little girl dreams about her wedding. When we get older and actually start to make plans we want what we dreamed about or at least close to that dream. You are not being unreasonable, however men don't have the romantic visions of their wedding day we women do.
You could try a compromise instead of having the wedding in his church rent a park closer to your home. His minister should be willing to come to the park and perform your ceremony. You can have your reception in the park pavillion, some parks allow alcohol some do not. Have a restuarant cater the meal, hire a band or DJ and have dancing. There many reallly cool things about a park wedding you should have beautiful pictures with flowers already at the park, your guests can come dressed casually and bring their kids. And since most parks close by 10 PM everybody gets home at a decent time. This is a cost effective way to have a beautiful wedding.
You don't need as many flowers, the cost of renting a park and catering the food is much less then renting a reception hall. You can still have the white dress and all the things you dreamed about as a child.
Tell him a new begining needs a new place to start, holding the wedding in his church is simply a re-run of his first wedding.
I would suggest that you stop mentioning and thinking about his first wedding. Search places to have the reception within your budget and remember that it is sooo not about the wedding but all about the marriage! Have your/your fiance day and enjoy it!
Congrads!
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the 1st thing you have to do is to stop thinking/comparing with his first wedding. Get that out of your head and THEN start planning your wedding the way it feels right to both of you, whether or not is similar to what has happen before.
If you like he’s Church and pastor, go ahead with it; as for the reception, what would you really like? What size wedding reception? Compare prices in different places that you would like and show him that you may be able to get something better someplace else. If you’re only objection to the church reception room is that he married there before, think about how you can make a reception there that would be significant and important to YOU. It doesn’t matter what he did first, what’s important it’s what he’ll do last (with YOU!).
Good luck and a wish you a happy and beautiful wedding and marriage!
I would say that you could make an appointment with the pastor and talk to him honestly about your feelings. He may be able to help you come to terms with your feelings.
It is normal to want your own wedding and of course you are going to compare the ceremony. It is the same thing in the same place. I say go for what you want and do it up the way you really want to. If you don't every time you look at your wedding pictures you'll wish you had done it better. Compromise is always nice but there comes a time where you just have to step up and say this is my turn and I want it different.
July could be a nice time of year to be outside so maybe a gazabo at a local park is an option? Also there are lots of other "cheap" places - VFWs, Elks clubs, fire department or ambulance corp halls, etc. I know at my church there was a small fee associated with using the facility anyway so maybe if you can work to stay within that budget?
Also, while you are working hard to make this special (and work within the constraints he has given you), he should have the same desire, if at least for you! He needs to hear you and I am not sure he is... Be sure you get the appropriate pre-marriage counseling and that you are sure your relationship is secure.
Best wishes!
~C.
Well, I have to say that if your fiance is this unyielding before marriage, have you considered how this "stubborn" mentality is going to pan out after you are married? Marriage is a sacred covenant, meant to last until death do you part. Understandably, his first marriage failed for whatever the reasons may be, but if you were my friend, I'd ask you to really take a step back and ask yourself if this is a pattern that will repeat itself throughout your marriage to this man. Having a controlling spouse makes a miserable marriage. Just my opinion, here.
I don't think its unreasonable to have a reception elsewhere. Personally, I wouldn't find the alcohol a big deal and if the hall at the church was nice enough, I think I could always bring a bottle of champagne on the honeymoon night and have our toast in the privacy of our room...but if you really want the reception elsewhere, then compromising is a must.
M.,
I'm getting married in a few month (June 25th, 2011) and I think that you are most definitely entitled to have your wedding (first, last, second or whatever) be exactly what you want it to be (or at least as close as you can get to it without going into massive debt). I've never heard of having a reception at a church. I absolutely think you should insist on a real wedding dress (you can find some that cost only $500-$700. I paid a bit more for mine, but almost bought one that was cheaper). I also think you should insist on a having a reception somewhere besides the church FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU WANT. I absolutely think your fiancee should be able understand why you feel this way. You are the bride and your wedding day is supposed to be about you (and your husband, but mostly you).
My situation is different than yours. Ours is a first marriage for both of us and we want pretty much all the same things (married outside, small family wedding, plenty of good champagne and wine- I'm from wine country in California), choose our own music and use and iPod hooked up to a sound system, no pastor- just a lawyer who is a friend of the family, small bridal party. We're getting married on my sister's (huge) back deck, which looks out over Green Valley's wineries and redwood trees, we're starting the reception a half hour before the ceremony, the reception will be split between my sister's car parking area (yes, it will hold tables for 65 people- she and her husband have a huge house) and the same back deck we used for the ceremony (this will be the dance floor). I am glad I don't have to give up anything that I consider vital to my wedding because my fiancee and I want the same things
My sister got married in 2003 and she wishes she had been more insistent on not getting married on a golf course and having her reception at a golf club. Her husband made if really difficult to choose and venue and they ultimately chose the golf course for cost reasons (his company had just become a member of the golf club and he got some special corporate rate because he is the founder and CEO). She wishes she had stuck to her guns a bit more. I think it is important to have no regrets in life- especially when it comes to such an important day. I vote that you stand strong in what you want and don't be pushed into what is "cheaper" or more convenient. Your wedding should be special and uniquely yours. Best of luck and I hope you enjoy both the planning phase and your special day.
S.
We had our wedding ceremony at a church and the reception was in a barn that had been turned into a reception hall in Indiana. My dress was $500 and I paid that on my own. I didn't have a huge expensive wedding. I had to pay half for everything because my mom said so and I couldn't go big but that was fine for me. My MIL put down everything and tried to tell us people wouldn't show up because it was too far away and that July was too hot for people. I didn't listen to a word she said. My husband didn't want any part in the planning.
It is your day and Yes, you should have what you want. It should be an awesome day. If you are paying for this on your own without the help of your fiancee then I say get what you'd like. if you fiancee is helping, then at least take into consideration what he wants. I don't like the idea of having a reception in a church hall but that is only what some people can afford. This is a special day so it should be as memorable as possible. It goes by sooooo fast.
I'd look for another church & place for the reception. This is one situation where you need (yes need) something that is unique to you and your husband to be. The same pastor can marry you both - but maybe you can have the wedding at a park, or someone's lovely yard, etc. You two need a fresh start that has no connection, however slim, to his first marriage.
You need to tell him in a away that doesn't attack him or show disrespec to his ideas, but instead unlines how important it is to you and your future life together - just because is a good enough reason if you ask me. ;o)
You are NOT asking too much. Talk to his minister about other ceremony options. Its possible that he'd be willing to travel to another location. Have you considered a restaurant? Sometimes they'll have a nice outside area where you can have the ceremony and then have the reception in their dinning area. That is a money saver too since they already have the tables, chairs, and plates....
I would not settle on this.
Absolutely not! You should have the wedding that you want. Weddings are the bride's day. The groom just shows up:) This is your first marriage and it may be your only marriage. Honestly, I can't believe that he thinks it's okay to marry in the same church. That would not sit with me at all. I would rather be married on the beach by a pastor than married in the church where he was once already married. If it were me, I would tell your fiance that it's bad luck to marry in that church since his first marriage ended in divorce too. If you go ahead and not have the wedding you want, then you will forever regret it:) If he wants a happy bride and a happy wife = give her the wedding SHE wants...period. If he decides to be a jerk and still not budge, seriously, I would reconsider marrying him.
Just my 2 cents,
M.
