What About the Kids?

I completely understand what you are going through. I have the same situation with my sister in law. I have a 6 and a 2 year old. She has a 3 year old and is due to have another one. It causes problems with my husband and his parents also. Email me if you would like to chat.

I disagree. Sending them cards and such while extending no correspondance to her seems like a clear message that you want nothing to do with her but do still love her children.

I'd definitely recommend continuing to send the kids cards/gifts. My family went through the same thing when I was young (my dad was "estranged" from some siblings). My aunts & uncles treated my brothers and I badly and we always thought we did something wrong.

Dear M.,
I am sorry to hear of your estrangement and if it were me I would continue to at least remember the children's birthdays with a card and perhaps a small gift card, for example.
Beyond that, your only obligation to their parent(s) would be politeness if, for example, you were to run into them at a funeral or something.
And, in the event that she might inquire about the withdrawal of contact, you should matter-of-factly and calmly tell her your reasons for the distance between you.
Avoid any obvious escalation of emotions, arguing or name-calling.
Walk away if necessary, or hang up the phone.
It is unfortunate that sometimes we must exclude family members from our company because they are so toxic and disruptive.
But your moral and mental health and that of your family comes first.

I wouldn't punish the kids because of what their mother did. I'd continue to send cards and presents. But that's me. My brother and I do not get along, but we keep up appearances because we want our kids to know and like each other, which they do. I'm also very fond of my nieces and nephew. My brother loves my girls to pieces and would do anything for them. They love him too. It took us awhile to get past the bad, but we did.

Who knows, maybe his sister will grow up some day and she'll remember how generous or forgiving you were to her children. Maybe she won't, but you cannot go wrong when you take the high road.

How does your husband feel about this? Is he willing to cut off his niece and/or nephew? You don't make that clear. I feel that since this is his family, he should make that call.

As long as you don't send a card on her birthday, I don't think she'd get mixed messages. Like you said, the kids are innocent here, and if you were close to them before, I think it's important to still stay in their lives somehow. Best of luck!

M. ~ If you weren’t having a ‘rift’ with the sister right now would you send cards/gifts to the children?

We don’t get to choose when we are born or whom we are born to; but others in our lives can make a wonderful
difference. Small tokens on a regular basis is not a bad idea to keep ‘communication’ with your nieces and nephews; Wouldn’t want you to regret not sending them 10 / 12 / 15 years from now, they may need “AUNTY MIR” one day. Good Luck.

Forgiveness is a choice, not accepting her behavior, but showing her that family sticks together. Set boundaries with the sister, but love the kids. It is not easy, but it is a choice. The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud is a great resource for boundaries with all types of relationships.

My sister and I don't talk at all. She lives in AZ, is 14 months younger than I am and has two children (will be 5 and 7). No matter what I feel about my sister, I have a niece and nephew. They get Christmas and Birthday gifts from us. They need to know that they have family that loves them. Who knows what might happen in the future? Conversly, it bothers me that she has never sent dd anything (will be 4 this March) but dd does know about her cousins.

E.

You know, families are so full of dissention.
What I can not tolerate and will never tolerate is writing people off.
I find this to be the most unhuman, unkind and unnatural behavior with family members.

While I see it more and more often nowdays, in my family we have NEVER EVER cut a person off but once. And well deserved for he sexually molested a couple of the girls.

Even with your sister in law, drama, dissentions bla bla and not to talk for years????
For me, it has to be a much much bigger traspass than being a big mouthed, gossiper, envious bal bla, I've even forgiven friends for that!

I have clear set boundaries and don't think for a minute we're push-overs. We choose our battles wisely.

Your children are now growing up being strangers to their cousins, how sad is that?
Here I am traveling all over the country several times a year so my children can fomr a bond with their cousins despite what I agree or disagree with how much I dislike a brother in law etc etc

I'm in the same situation with one of my brothers. When this first started I still sent Christmas gifts and then a birthday gift to his one child. We received nothing (gift or a thank you from the child) and they skipped our son's birthday so I took my cue from them. I do continue to send a Christmas card, but no longer give gifts. I do not like not sending gifts, but at the same time in our situation do not know if the kids would even be told who the gifts are from.

Family is very important - and even though I do not know the whole picture here - I wanted to encourage you to reach out to your sister-in-law and her kids.

You can send the kids valentines cards or any seasonal idea you can think of. My sister and her son lived away from me for a long time (and we weren't exceptionally close) but I sent her son a magazine he would have enjoyed and also some fun socks another time. It is a nice way to stay connected and hopefully over time the bigger issues can be resolved.
I also live far from another sister and her 2 kids - but we have created some fun memories from a few long visits together.

If the mom is like that then the kids probably need all the love they can get. Maybe one day, they will need someone to lean on and if you are there for them now, they will always have you.

Especially since they live far away and you've never been particularily close, I would say cutting off all contact won't really hurt the kids and may be best for your family. You have to to what is best for your family in this case.

Hi M., Those kids might need you and your husband one day, and they are going to feel much better about reaching out to you if they have been getting cards through the years. If you mail them addressed to them I think it would be clear that you are seeking a relationship with them and not their mother.
Sorry you are in this family situation!
Take Care, T

I think you were right when you said it isn't the kids fault. I think sending a card with a little money for their piggy bank would be fine. It shows that you have more class than her by not holding the problems against the children. Address the cards to the child not her. She won't be receiving a card on her birthday so I am sure she will understand. You love them but she is still not a part of your lives.

In my opinion you said it yourself...it is not the kids fault so why should they suffer...who cares if it sends her mixed messages, it is not about her, it is about the innocent children in this situation that didn't do anything wrong.

I not sure what your spiritual believes may be, but as a Christian women the bible commands us to forgive those who've wronged you. You might have done that already, but you are right when you said that the children have nothing to do with the way she treated you all. If this is something that you've always done for the kids, continue to do it. You don't have to invite her back in your lifes, but be the bigger person. Forgiveness is not necessarily for the other person, it is actually for you. It allows you to be at peace. The bible also tells you that being kind to your enemy (not saying that she is) is like heeping piles of hot coals on their head. You reap what you sow. You don't have to do anything but forgive her & God will take care of the rest.

I hope this is helpful to you.

God bless,
A concerned mother

I personally think you are wrong about this one. I also have a very strained relationship with a sister-in-law. I love her kids and would never want them to believe that I don't...If you don't send them birthday cards then you are telling them you don't care.

Don't put them in the same catagory with their mom...and believe me she knows how you feel...I don't believe she will get any mixed messages by you being a real aunt to her kids. They didn't do anything.

PS Address the cards directly to the child it is going to and not their mom or dad. That is pretty clear I think.

The issue is with the adults not the children. It is important to continue acknowledging that the kids are your newphew or niece and continue sending them birthday cards or gifts. They will become young adults and they will always remember those cards.

They will have their own identity as they grow older and will always want to be part of you because you never forgot them by sending them birthday cards, etc.

This happen to me with a my ex-sister in law and my nephew were 5,3 and now they are young adults 16,18 and I thank god I continued sending those cards. I am still their favorite Aunt. It did not matter what issues you have with an adult I continued acknowledging them as my nephews. They come to visit often and I am happy.

I think you can differentiate between her children and her. I would continue to send the children gifts and cards but avoid interactions with her.

I would say send them anyway. Other wise you may be sending a message to the kids that you don't like them (which is not the case). If you at least send the cards it doesn't cost you much. It is up to you if you want to keep sending the presents (I would). You can also keep it up and see what happens. If it is too much of an issue, just send cards.

But you don't want those little ones growing up and continuing the hatefulness either. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way & they still care about you. The card (and present if you want) says you care about Them. So I would continue to keep the lines of communication with the kids open (with cards at least).

I am sure this is a hard situation and sorry you have to go through this! I wish everyone understood the importance of family.
D.

I probably would not send cards and gifts only for the reason that if you don't see those kids on a normal basis, they won't recognize who the cards and gifts are from anyhow. Would the sister in-law even tell them that they were from you? I would hope she would give the items to the kids!! :-)

Don't take it out on the kids. Let them grow up knowing eachother thru birthday cards and pictures so they can keep up on eachother. When they're all older, they can make up their own minds about bonding with eachother without knowing what happened between the parents....that is, if there is no way a reconciliation is possible. Jeanne, Elk Grove Village, Il

M.,

I understand your point fully. But my concern would be if you didnt send cards and gifts anymore to the kids, that they would feel you didnt love them or care about them anymore just because of the fact that you have always sent these things to them. I would continue sending cards maybe, but no gifts. Just so the children know you are still thinking about them.

You said it already without using the words:) It was you sisters' actions not theirs that is causing this strife. Put yourself in their shoes. If their mother is not choosing behavior that you think is healthy, don't you think all the love they can get is what they need? Also please remember you have a wonderful opportunity to learn and forgive from this. It's not about who is right,it's about loving and forgiving,don't you think?
Blessings and Good Luck!