What Can I Do to Help My Sister?

Hi S. (very pretty name by the way... )

I don't think there is anything you can do. Offer advice when she asks for it.

My SIL lets her son walk all over her - she caters to his every whim, and he's a ROTTEN BRAT - I love the kid don't get me wrong, but he is so beyond spoiled it's not even funny (he has an ATV and one of those mini motorcycles, the entire basement is his playroom, he has a friggin roller coaster down there and every other toy imaginable, he doesn't listen and he's mean to other kids...). All I can do is give her my opinion if she asks for it and keep my mouth shut otherwise. I know I don't like being told what to do... with unsolicited advice... so i try my best to 'do onto others as i would have done to me'...

let her doctor yell at her for it... or the dentist :)

Well, first of all...they are your sisters kids,and its hard to tell someone what you think about the way they're raising their children...it's not our business.You can talk to her about it, but be prepared if the feelings get hurt. If you get a good response and are asked for help, buy the children "special cups" either with a sippy lid or straw with some kind of character on them. When it was time to wean our son, we told him the "bottle fairies" were coming (mind you I was 22, and this was 16 years ago...)and they would leave him a special cup in place of the bottles. It became a game to him waiting each day to open the cabinet to see what day it would happen. After about 9-10 days of preparing him for it...we cleaned out all the bottles while he slept, and replaced it with one special cup. He was VERY excited to use the cup and never again asked for the bottles.

Maddy is you sister's child. She decides when it is time to take her child off the bottle. With your children being so close together in age, it is very reasonable to have yours off the bottle by age 2. But it is your sister choice, not yours...stay out of it. My kids were off the bottle between 2 and 3 and they are perfectly normal!

I know this is out of concern for her and her children, but honestly...unless she asks your opinion, or for your help, nothing. Her kids, her choice...worst case scenario is that the bottle may mess up her teeth, but probably not since there are plenty of children that still have binkys at this age. Obviosuly you have things down pat with five of your own, and I am sure your own way of doing things too, which your family may or may not agree with how you raise them, but as I stated earlier, your family your choice. However, if she asks for your help or opinion, I'd be more than happy to give it...things like "You know, when so and so was this age I did". If it makes you feel any better I had the bottle until I was three, have perfectly straight teeth, never wore braces, and all my mother had to do was tell me if I wanted to go to pre school I had to be all done with my bottle. I threw it in the garbage and never looked back. To her credit I was the oldest, and with my younger siblings the bottle was gone much sooner, probably by 1 1/2. The other point I want to bring up is this, tempermant. My daughter is almost 20 months and still on the bottle, where as my first, my son was off by 1 1/2 completely, he was of a much mellower temperment. Whereas my daughter still wakes once or twice a night several time a week, and she is hungry. Beleive me I try no bottles, I want her to sleep, but after one to two hour screaming fits at 1 or 2 am if a bottle is what it takes to get our house to sleep, then I am all for, she is obviously not ready to give it up quite yet, and honestly until she starts sleeping completely through the night consistently, I am not ready for the screaming fits either. Anyhow, she is a stubborn little one :) Hope this helps you to see a different perspective. Take care.

Nothing. Unless she specifically asks for your advice or help with this issue, don't say anything.

Just love and support your sister as you would want her to love and support you.

Um, mind your own beeswax?

I say that based on my own experience. I spent a lot of time criticizing my brother and SIL's parenting skills, because I felt they were too "lenient" and it was "messing up the older one". Turns out the "older one" has a sensory processing disorder, so he would have issues no matter what his parents did. Now that I'm the mom of a special-needs kid, I wish I'd stuck to my own business. Besides, my niece and nephew are their kids, not mine.

Be very careful of giving unsolicited advice. We moms can be very sensitive when it comes to our children and how we choose to raise them. If she takes her daughter to the doctor for regular check ups they will ask these questions and address the issue with her. If she asks your opinion give it. I am speaking from experience. I used to give my opinion on things with my sisters and it only pushed them away from me. They are now opening up to me and asking me questions about how do you do that? why do your kids listen so well? etc. But it is on their terms so they receive it so much better.

Does your sister work? I ask because if she did, I think she would be more deligent and get them off the bottle. Most times when someone else has to care for our children we mothers are on top of all progress the child should be making to comfort the caretaker(s). Your sister has to get over hurting there feelings and get into making them strong and independent human beings. We have to teach our children that not everyone is going to care about hurting your feelings even we as parents, but we do it out of love. They just don't know it until they have matured.

I don't mean this in a harsh way, it's just the reality of it.

Sadly, this is not your child. And bless you for having so many. You can mention and hint that perhaps it's a good idea, but it's not your issue.
My seventeen year old son was on the bottle for what seemed like forever. He isn't anymore. I just waited it out. You probably won't see your niece on her bottle forever either. Be patient. Be there for your sister and if she is staying with you then you have choices that you can make. Such as giving her a sippee cup. She might be a bit overwhelmed with three little people, whereas it sounds like you are handling the five beautifully. So perhaps that gives the little girl some comfort and some peace for her. Like I said, when she's in school, they are around other kids who don't use bottles (hopefully it won't be that long). You just keep being the favorite aunt and enjoy your own children! S.

Unless your sister asked you for help, I wouldn't do anything after offering my opinion. I totally agree with Sarah in that we moms can be very sensitive. Although you have the best of intentions, we all have our own style of parenting. She will figure her own way. Just let her be.
(p.s. I love your kids' names!!)

I strongly suggest you keep your "parenting advice" to yourself. Her choice in this matter is absolutely not life-threatening nor is it even determined to be particularly harmful. My pediatrician recommends not giving a bottle to an infant or toddler while lying down (nap or bedtime) but other than that, if it gives the child comfort, there really is no harm if the child brushes teeth regularly. This is such a minor issue - keep your mouth shut and don't judge your sister (or share unsolicited advice.) Also, since when is a mother "weak" when she doesn't wish to see her child hurt?

Oh, and Alicia G. - Are you a pediatric dentist? Your response and some of the others are ridiculous - Allowing a child to have a bottle at two years old does not equal a DUI, unemployment, or turning into a failure with braces by adolescence .... For all we know, this person is a great mother who simply has an instinct to comfort her kids.

Some may say if you breast feed till that age it is Ok to give a bottle. But that is not true if your baby falls asleep with a bottle in their mouth unless is plan water. Any dentist would tell you the problem with allowing a child to fall asleep with a bottle in their mouth is Baby Bottle mouth can cause tooth decay and other problems.
Causes and Risk Factors of Baby Bottle Tooth Decay:
This condition occurs when the baby's teeth are exposed frequently and over a long period of time to the sugars present in liquids such as milk, formula, and fruit juice.

The longer that these sugars sit on the tooth enamel, the more opportunity they have to combine with bacteria in the mouth. These bacteria, in turn, produce acids that attack tooth enamel.

The upper front teeth are most vulnerable to damage from nursing bottle mouth.

Prevention of Baby Bottle Tooth Decay:
These problems can be avoided by making sure that the baby does not fall asleep with a bottle of milk, formula, or juice in his or her mouth - whether for the night or for a nap. If he or she is not ready to give up his comfort bottle, fill it with plain, unsweetened water, and remove it from his mouth after he has fallen asleep.

A good preventive strategy to wean a 12- to 18-month old child is to dilute the milk with water. If the baby gets an eight-ounce bottle of milk every night, fill the bottle with seven ounces of milk and one ounce of water on the first night. Each night, add more water and less milk to the bottle until it contains only water.
This information above came from USA Today http://www.healthscout.com/ency/1/445/main.html#Preventio...

Hope this Helps...

S.,

How lucky your sister is to have a caring sister (and how lucky you are to have her as well).

I guess I have to ask - is your concern based in caring for your sister's child, or is it simply aggravating to you because you think your sister is 'too weak to see her children be hurt or punished'?

Could what you perceive as weakness just be a difference in your parenting styles?

I trust you will make your remarks based in love, not based in criticism to your sister at just the right time, she might not tolerate too much criticism from you - and you wouldn't want to alienate her.

If your sister parents differently than you, get ready to hold back your remarks for awhile to come, she'll come to you when she genuinely needs advice.

cheers,

W.

start cutting up those nipples (pin prick or whatever works!) - let me tell you about all of my experiences with the dentist on my 4 year old. i have had to watch while they papoosed her in order to work on her front teeth which are horribly decayed because of the bottle. i also waited until she was 2 to take it away - it is EXPENSIVE dental work (yes, even with insurance) and painful for her as well as hard on me to watch. Just when the bonding is in, a week or so later, it will crack off and need to be replaced. I SOOO HOPE that water is the only think she's had in her bottle! Good luck!

S.-
Just love and support her. Often we try to give advice to others because we think we know best. She has her own path as a mother and needs to find her own voice with herself and her children. By just doing what you say she will only be taking on what you have figured out that works for you and your children. You could also risk losing her relationship if she doesn't agree with you or feels hurt by your comments.

Maybe buy her a parenting book you like with a card stating how hard it is sometimes for you and that this book has helped you in the past so you wanted to share it. Good luck. K.

If she cares about her children she will tough it out and take that bottle away now!!! Continuing to use a bottle after 12 months can cause serious damage to their teeth and gums! Tell her to go to the dentist or better yet, make an appointment for them yourself and take her with you. Have her talk to the doctor and just voice your concerns right there with the doctor present so that way you will have some medical back up behind you. She might get a little pissed off, but you need to look out for the best interest of the children, and at age two children need to start going to see the dentist anyways for normal check ups. If she can't conquer the bottle battle now... then what will she do when her children get older and face bigger more dangerous battles?? Will she run away then too because she doesn't want to deal with the extra stress? By allowing the bottle to continue, she is only hurting them. Not protecting them. I apologize if i sound harsh, but that is the truth, and I would really hate to hear that a little baby had to get braces or something because mom didn't want to take the bottle away... Please don't take offense to what I'm saying, I'm only trying to be honest with you.

This is going to sound like crazy advice, but it worked for me. I was told an old wife's tale that you should ween your child at the sign of the new moon. I don't know if it just gave me a time table or the confidence that it would work, but I did it with both children and they fussed very little about having the bottle taken away.
On another note-I took the bottle away after they were two and they both have healthy teeth and seem to have no residual problems stemming from taking a bottle at two.

Mother of two children, ages 7 and 4.

My daugther was taking off the bottle and transitioned into the sippy cup before she was 11 months of age and the doctor told me that this was fine. I started her with this cup that came with 3 different clear nipples-bottle, sippy cup type, and straw type. I got it from Wal-mart for less than $5 I believe. You could possibly buy one for your niece and try the sppy cup nipple and see how she likes it. The nipples are the same type of material as the bottle nipple.

Whyever would you hurt or punish a child while taking them off a bottle? And why would that be "weak?" Two years old is not all that old to be on a bottle (mine weren't, because they were breastfed and then went to a cup at day care around 9 months, but it's not necessary for everyone). There are plenty of things a child will do that may require some discipline but I can't imagine that taking them off the bottle would be one of them. Parenting should not be about control; it should be about raising kids who can make their own decisions when they get old enough, which is pretty early.

I do know how hard it is to sit back and watch someone you love so something you think is detrimental to themselves or their children, but really there is nothing you can do unless she asks you.

If that bottle ruins her daughter's teeth and her over-indulgent or soft parenting style turns her kids into little hellions and later rebellious teens...there is nothing you can do. Try to let go of the urge to help or offer unsolicited advice. If she asks your advice, then offer it gently and leave it at that. Those are her children and she will suffer the consequences if that is the case.

My mother has to bite her tongue to this day when it comes to her sister who also was very soft and very indulgent with her children. My mom tried to offer advice about some parenting styles but my aunt would get very ill with my mother and tell her to mind her own business.

My mother has three hardworking, financially secure and responsible children with good families.

My aunt has two sons in their 30's living at home, not helping with the bills, not helping her, with DUI's, 1000's in debt each, and no desire to do for her unless they think it will serve their own purposes. Her soft parenting style, her over-indulgent behavior and so on created the children she must live with now. I love my aunt because she's a dear sweet woman, but her boys are not the best children (though I love them too).

You seem to have your hands full without getting involved with your sisters kids too......

S.,

You are facing a dilemma that everyone faces, namely, how to tell someone to do something that you strongly believe in.

In some ways, the dilemma isn't all that different than the dilemma that President Bush felt that he was in. How to get Iraq to do what he wanted Iraq to do.

There are two ways to go about it.

The civilized way and the brute force way.

The civilized (and realistic) way is simply to tell her,

"sister (use her first name), your keeping Maddy on the bottle is upsetting me, please start weaning her. Thank you."

If your sister values your relationship with you, then she might be willing to actually have a conversation with you, where you each present the evidence supporting your point of view.

Then, and only then, might your sister change.

Any other way is the manipulative....I am right you are wrong....My feelings are more important than your feelings....etc.

Examples of this are: shaming your sister, guilt tripping your sister, fighting with your sister, ganging up on your sister, and so forth.

Controlling other folks is difficult at best.

Good luck!

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

Let her be. children don't go to college still taking a bottle. There is nothing catastrophic about maddy still having a bottle and it is your sister's child so I wouldn't interfere, especially if I amn't asked. We all do things differently that is just the world.

I agree that you can only gently tell your sister that your children were off of the bottle by a certain age, or whatever, and then let it go. We all have our cross to bare, be it a pacifier, blanky or bottle. Many kids have things they hang onto to soothe themselves and really, what's wrong with that? The bottom line is, it's not your child, and she will most likely not go off to school with her bottle. She may need braces on her teeth someday, but that's not your problem! Continue to love and support your family, like it sounds like you already do!

The World Heath Organization recommends nursing for at least 2 years. Given that information, I felt no harm in my own son continuing to use a bottle at that age. I let him give it up on his own terms and he stopped shortly after he turned 2. While most kids give it up when they turn 1, I think Madison will be fine.

Hi S.,
I don't believe there is anything you can do to help your sister. She has to want to take her daughter off the bottle. I'm sure a doctor will soon be telling her about the importance of weening at which point she will need to take action. So don't worry. I would pray for her and let her know that when she needs help, you'll be there to support her.
Blessings,
J.

S.,
don't get involved it isn't your child and every child is different. Just one day go and bring her few COOL bottles with his favorite characters that the kid might like, some with soft tops...my son went for it, he is almost two.
good luck