What Do You Consider "Private" Once You Are Married?

We use respect and trust, rather than transparency. We don't really need transparency. We don't need to control or own each other.

:)

(And yes, we've been together a REALLY REALLY long time)

I feel it is not okay to deny a spouse access to one's FB, email, or bank account. People who do this have something to hide from their spouses. That would be a very bad sign in the marriage!

because of infedility being such an issue these days, the only thing that is "private" is my work info. i have all access to my dh's e-mails facebook, etc and he has all access to mine, we've always been that way, also if he has an account i just find out about i can pretty much guess his password, but IF i cannot, i'll ask him for it directly. we don't question access when requested for if that starts, i would suspect

The only thing we keep private is what we do in the bathroom! Everything else is fair game!

I don't think "private" is the right word to use. To me, it's not about barring someone from looking at something, it's about mutual respect.
I don't look at DH's facebook accounts or bank accounts because they're his, and I trust him. Same on his end.

To suggest that it's private it suggesting that there is something to hide. And while DHs doesn't log in to "check" my FB account (because why would he?), I wouldn't care if he did. He just doesn't because it's never occurred to him. Make sense?

We have our own things - bank accounts, emails, etc...but no one is fiercely protective of them. We just respect each other's personal relationships and boudaries.

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My journal is private. That is my place to write what I'm thinking, feeling, wondering...whatever. Sometimes those things are private, and I don't talk to my husband (or anyone else) about them, and other times I do share them with him. But it is always my choice and I like knowing my journal is off-limits.

What I do in the bathroom is also private, but the same is not true for my husband. He doesn't care if I'm in there with him. He'll even leave the door open if no one but us is home.

As for everything else, nothing is really private. There's no need for anything else to be private because we aren't doing anything that needs to be hidden.

I have many firends and families who operate their marriages in many different ways. Some have 3 separate bank accounts, one for each to have their own money, and a third for shared household expense money. Some have open lives, others have private locked boxes. My quesiton on that is why?

If you expect a relationship to really thrive you both need trust. We have one set of finances - both paychecks go into one account, the kids accounts are connected to ours (although now that they're geting older they may want to have their own accounts once they begin to earn their own money). For the first 12 years of our marriage I earned way more than my husband. Now i work part time and his career has been established and now he makes twice as much as I do. YAY! Had we not had one account we both would have felt differently about the money situation.

As for what's private - nothing (except the toilet thing - no one needs to be in on that... a second bathroom helps in that regard) Although my husabnd can go through my purse if he wants, I prefer that he doesn't beucase he'll mess it all up. The same goes for his backpack and wallet. Our cell phones, email, facebook pages are all an open book. There's noting to hide so why not?

If my husband had a private lockbox, or email I would wonder about what's going on that he doesn't want me to know about - that would severly damage the trust - dont' you think?

In the 15 years we're married and the 19 that we've been together our relationship has gone through some very tough times. We nearly separated twice, we've dealt with the death of a parent, the serious illness of other parents, a near-death illness of one of our children and her current return to health, my husband's serious and nearly deadly auto accident and subsequent spinal surgery, and more. Our marriage is stronger than it ever was. We love each other more now than every before. That never could have happened if we didn't have complete trust in each other.

A marraige counsleor once told my friend that anything relating to prior relationships, whether photos, diaries, love letters, etc should be discarded once you get married. The old relationships are gone - they have no relevance to your current life and shouldn't be available to swoon over or to have fond memories of. It's too damaging to your marriage.

Good luck mama - hopefully when we're 90 we'll be able to look back and decide what made the most sense. ;o)

there's nothing that my husband and i would refuse to share with each other. but we also respect each other enough not to demand to snoop around in each other's stuff. i know there are things my husband isn't interested in, and also things that he actively does NOT want to know about so i don't obsessively demand that he knows my every thought. but there's nothing locked away or hidden from him. all of our passwords are written down on the same piece of paper so either of us *could* check up on anything. fortunately we don't feel the need to do that. i know a lot of folks here consider trust to be naive and old-fashioned. we consider it to be a bedrock essential.
khairete
S.

Pooping!
Other than that, it's all fair game. I'm not advocating snooping, but openness instead. My email account stays logged in at home, same for my Facebook account. Same for my husband's email, most often. Neither of us go through each other's accounts, but both of us have given access to our accounts at various times. Same goes with our phones. If there is trust, there is also privacy. There is also a big difference between going through your spouse's accounts and going into them.

I would never deny my husband access to any of the things you listed, and I presume that he wouldn't deny me either. But I think what keeps our marriage healthy is that he nor I would ever ask either. So there's no need for "privacy" because of our respect and trust for each other.

I do keep "'private" some of my own thoughts, feelings, and feel like I'm within my rights as my own person to tell him that I don't want to talk to him about X,Y or Z, as long as it doesn't directly impact him. And he has the right to his own private thoughts and feelings as long as they don't impact me.

And we pee with the door closed. Nothing sexy about seeing someone go to the bathroom. : ) Gotta keep some of the mystery : )

My husband and I hide nothing from each other.

And what Theresa said. : )

We keep nothing private in our house and as far as Tawnya goes we also have a no locked door rule (even the bathroom). It never fails Mom gets into the tub for a nice soak and then #1, #2 etc. just has to have that hair tie or tooth brush. LOL

I wonder if some differences in marriages has to do with how old people are when they get married. I married pretty late - mid 30's - and by that time, we'd each had years on our own. It's got to have a different impact from getting married at 22 and in a way growing up together. My husband and I (hopefully) don't have secrets and while we have separate bank accounts, it's a carryover from when we were single. If we'd married young, we likely wouldn't have come into the marriage with different financial profiles. But I do think emails can be private in the sense I don't want my husband reading if I complain to a friend about something to do with him - ie: his family. Same if I had a journal. So to me there's a difference between not being able to see who he's emailing in general vs being allowed to read every email. General sharing without always all the specifics to me makes sense...

We don't neccesarilly DENY access to each other. we know each other's passwords and such to FB, Email, etc... but we don't go snooping in each other's business. We don't really need to snoop though, since we are both in the habit of forgetting to log out. We still trust each other not to be doing anything shady, so there is no need for snooping. (And since we aren't snooping, there is no need for it to be private.) Bank accounts and the like, well ya, so we both have a good idea of our financial situation.

i will not go to the bathroom in front of my husband! but we dont hide anything else from each other. he doesnt have an fb account and sometimes reads mine over my shoulder because i am friends with his family that live 6hrs away from us, we share a bank account, and get most important emails sent to my account because he never checks his.

And the two shall become one.

What's mine is his and what's his is mine!

My husband and I have full access to each others everything. I was in a relationship where I couldn't pick up a phone, look at e-mails, etc. So when I first was married to hubs and he asked if he could borrow a $10 from me I said yes just bring me my bag. He said no problem I already took out of your wallet. I had nothing to hide but coming out of a non trusting relationship I had a small moment of being appalled he would go in to my bag. I got over it when I realized and said to myself "chick this is a different guy". As a side bar I wish my hubs WOULD close the bathroom door when he is uses it!! )lol)

I find the more you go looking for something the more likely someone is going to hide things. We've been together since 1986 so I know what I'm talking about.

I just went to Phoenix for the weekend for a funeral and my husband called me wanting the password to Netflix for my son. I told him ALL the passwords were on my password chart. OOPS, forgot to add the Netflix password.

I have EVERYTHING out in the open for him. I take care of all the banking/insurance/son's school stuff but he KNOWS how to access all that IF he wants to.

I have actually begged him to get on Facebook but refuses. He's just not a computer kind of guy. Getting him to text was a major victory for me. Now I'm working on him actually ANSWERING his phone when it rings. LOL.

We share everything, passwords, bank account, email.....nothing is private. It went from his and mine to ours....

I think if you deny access to those kinds of things, it makes it seem like you have something to hide. *not YOU specifically*

With me & my hubby, nothing is "private". I mean we get our "private time" when we use the bathroom and give eachother space when we take showers, but that's more so we can relax and actually be alone for a few min.
We have a 2 y/o & a 5month old. So alone time is hard to get ;)

Otherwise My DH & I talk about everything. He has all my passwords and I have all of his.
Only thing that is ever "private" is if I get emails from my family and its filled with their personal issues or problems. There is no need for my DH to have to hear the private female problems of my sisters lol

We share everything else.

We have never really had clear defined lines for those sorts of things. I have not sat him down and said "ok here are all of my passwords..." but at the same time, I'm not secretive about them either. I have everything saved in my faves on the laptop and he has free access to it. Just like "his" (I say his only because my name has never been added to because of time restrictions and really lack of necessity) bank account. I didn't always know the online passwords, but I needed some info one day and called him at work and he said "oh, well the username/password is......just get on there and do it." My husband and I have what I conisder a very unique bond (when compared to the other couples we know). We don't hide anything from each other (aside from the obvious gift hiding). Anyone who tells me something and says "don't tell anyone" knows that that instruction applies to everyone BUT my husband. If I know it, he knows it and vice versa.

Even before we were married, my husband and I had no secrets from each other financially or otherwise. We are more private than other couples regarding bathroom and personal grooming issues, but that's about it. He does not have my facebook or e-mail password just because he forgets them. I've told him several times. I can log in to any account he has, too, because that's where we keep a lot of our info.

No, we have no secrets. I like it that way. :)

Honestly, I don't think there is anything private between my husband and I. We have access to everything of eachothers. That doesn't mean we use that access, but it is there.

My husband and I are each others best friends and we are a package deal. When someone asks me if I can keep something to myself if they tell me, I always say that I never keep anything from my husband so if you tell me he will hear about it. When it comes to passwords and emails we both have access to eachothers but we dont go snooping. I think if a relationship is to a point that a person feels that they need to snoop around then it is already in trouble because that means that there are trust issues and that is never a good thing.
Good Luck

We have an open policy in our relationship. And I think with having access we choose not to access them. I feel I have no need to check my husbands accts - any of them - whether is banks, email, or phones. Our names are jointly on everything but we still keep things seperate. Again, we have access to them at any time, but we haven't had any need to check into those things.

The only thing that I have that is "private" is my journal. I put private in quotes because I really don't care if he were to read it but it's where I write stuff to clear my head and most of the time it only makes sense to me and is where I work out stuff that doesn't have to do with him, or just chronicle my life for myself.
We have open communication and he knows everything about my past and I know about his. Neither one of us feel like we had to get rid of old mementos. I still have every journal I've written and letter I've received since I was 12. Whether it was from an ex or from friends, I am not getting rid of them. They are what has made us who we are and how we deal with things.
As for accounts, facebook, email, etc. All either one of us have to is open the others computer, but neither feels the need to "check up" on the other. DH will log into my facebook sometimes because he doesn't have one and some of his friends and my friends on there. I don't care. I think that if you don't give anyone cause to not trust you, you shouldn't have to be worried about hiding anything.

We share everything. We have one checking account and one savings account (separate ones are too much work). We each have our own email and facebook accounts, but know each other's passwords. We have a hard time keeping secrets about Christmas and Birthday gifts from each other, because we tell each other everything!
I would, however, like to be able to take a nice bath in our one bathroom home without having my SO come in to poop every single time though!!

My husband and I know each others passwords to e-mails, because there have been several occasions where we needed the other person to check something. But neither of us go on there to snoop or anything, we don't have a reason to. Honestly, we are always logged into FB and e-mail that 9 times out of 10 when you get on the computer you are in the other persons account/e-mail!

We have joint bank accounts, neither of us have a separate account. But we do both stash money for gifts or whatever. Both of us know that we do this, but don't know how much the other person has, and I am fine with that. It isn't like thousands of dollars or anything like that...just a couple hundred.

We have joint credit cards and separate credit cards. But, I do all of the bills, so I see everything anyway haha! Around Christmas and my birthday my hubby asks me not to look at the statement, just to pay the bill, and I do. I honestly don't want to know how much he spent, because he goes nuts and I know I would feel guilty if I knew!

All in all, we don't make anything public or private...it just is what it is. I think if there are rules around it, then there is cause to worry. I would be worried if all of a sudden I saw bank statements coming in in just his name if he didn't first tell me that he was opening an account. I would be totally fine with him having his own, but think that would be something that we should talk about first.

When I was deciding what to do with the kids college and savings accounts I went to him and explained everything I wanted to do. He just looked at me and said "Honestly, you can just do whatever, you don't have to tell me about it". haha!!

good question. I like the answers posted and agree with the theme of all of them.

I think a certain amount of autonomy and indiviuality and mystery and "one-ness" is essential to people; married or otherwise. I don't think you can have these things without a certain amount of privacy...Or a "room of my own" as one author so poetically put it.

I do keep my passwords for online banking, FB, cell phone to myself. But I am pretty free with letting my DH read over my shoulder. We have separate email addresses but a shared inbox. I can see his emails but do not open them.

I would not ask for my DH's passwords but I am 100% sure he would give them to me in a heartbeat because when I had a need for them in the past, he has given me access w/o hesitation.

The phrase that is raising a flag for me is "deny access". I think there's a difference b/w having passwords and denying someone access to your accounts.

We keep our passwords on a sheet hidden in our office, so he could access anything if he wanted to. We set-up our facebook accounts and bank accounts together, so we did the passwords together. I don't know his email password and vice versa, but would give it to him if he asked.

No, I don't keep things private b/c when it comes to finances and communication- privacy is not needed in a marriage. I do keep my "toilette" private b/c well, he just doesn't need to be part of that. Aside from that, nope. It's all fair game.

We have full access to all accounts. Financially speaking, all of our accounts are joint. We have separate email accounts, but we both know both passwords. We got married right out of college, so we never established his and hers...we joined everything from the beginning.

After close to 11 years of marriage I would say the only thing I count as "private" is what gets flushed down the toilet... :-)

I do have my own email and bank acct... But the password is known by my hubby and any time he wants he can check it... Just like I can go into his accts when I want to...

We allow each other individual room because we TRUST each other, but also know that there has to be accountability to each other as spouses and partners in life. I know that he has never felt like he needs to check up on me... I doubt if he's ever logged into any of my accts. And the same goes for me logging into his... Why? Because we are not trying to hide anything from each other...

Its like the kid with the present that they KNOW is in that box... But DON"T TOUCH IT... Yep, its right there... But its forbidden... That makes it an obsession...

And if someone is gonna hide something from their spouse, they would find a way to be sneaky no matter.
My thought is keep your eyes open, your senses sharp, and communication open. Peoples past experiences (abuses, distrusts, being taken advantage of, witnessing bad relationships, etc) makes this a very personal thing to many. And the persons history needs to be worked into the equation.

Thanks for posting this question - I am not married, but am dating someone I believe may lead to marriage and just this weekend we were talking about finances and sharing thoughts and ideas on money in general and on how finances work within marriage/different ways in which people deal with money within marriage. It's a different issue, but sort of similar. I've never been married, he has, so he brings to the plate a previous experience which seems like it was OK. I don't have strong feelings one way or the other. I just think that if you have trust you don't have stuff to hide and the other person should be able to access various accounts, in case they need to. But people who are snooping on each other all the time says to me there's a lack of trust. Anyway, really just wanted to say thanks for the post.

nothing is private once your married...just my opinion.

My husband is more than welcome to check any of my accounts any time. I have nothing to hide. I have all his passwords as well.....Neither one of us hides things from the other.....

The activities inside a locked bathroom and whatever my private thoughts are.

We don't buy into the "two become one" idea of marriage. We see ourselves as two who share significant portions of our lives with each other while still respecting the other's need for personal space.
We keep separate bank accounts, but we have each other's user names and passwords.
We have separate email accounts, but we have each other's user names and passwords.
NEVER would we go itno the other's bank account or email account unless specifically asked to do so. When my husband was recently hospitalizued for a week, I ASKED him if he wanted me to check his bank account and make sure that his check posted before I did it.
He doesn't go into my purse without permission, and I don't go into his wallet without permission.
We're on each other's Facebook friends list, so we don't need each other's passwords for that.

S.,

If your marriage is based on mutual trust and you have nothing to hide, there should be no reason to keep the things you mentioned private.

I see nothing wrong with personal bank accounts, but think there should be a joint account as well. Things you speak of should be discussed long before marriage....when they are not and come up one at a time, this is when lack of trust, doubt, anger and fear will rear their ugly heads.

Blessings.....

Well the money is ours so there total disclosure, it is equally ours, and we don't do any separate accounts. We do know all of each others passwords so nothing is like off limits, but we do allow each other space to have our separate accounts on things like facebook, email etc. We don't have passwords on our cells or anything like that, but we don't get all in each other's texts etc. But it doesn't matter either way. Like the other day my hubs picks up my cell and starts reading my texts and laughing. I mean, he knows everyone I know, it was no biggie. But it was just a spur of the moment thing, he doesn't check up or anything like that. I personally find it so weird when couples have the same Facebook or email. I guess it makes me wonder if someone is insecure, but hey, to each his own!!

My husband and I don't keep stuff like that private from each other. We share a bank account and he uses my home email address for a lot of stuff because he only has a work email. We have access to each other's facebook accounts.

I do keep a journal that I don't share with him. In fact he probably doesn't even know I have it. I use it for clearing my head, working out problems, etc. He probably wouldn't like some of the stuff he'd find in it. But instead of, say, calling up a friend every time we argue and complaining about him, I just write it down where only I see it. Same effect for me without me having to badmouth him to a friend.

When I read the title of your post (before opening it), I thought it was going to be about something else. I do think that it's perfectly okay to not tell your husband or SO everything about your past. There are things that I've done in the past that I'm not very proud of and I don't intend for my husband (or friends, etc) to ever know about them, unless perhaps I can use my story to save someone else from making the same mistakes.

You can have private accounts - but not keep them private from each other. As in - tho they are under one name, the other spouse has a right to check out that account if they feel like it.

Emails, facebook, other profiles - they can be joint, private , etc - but not kept private from your spouse.

If your spouse refuses to allow access, refuses to share any part of their lives with you - - they are hiding something and should not be trusted.

As the spouse, you should be able to check in on your spouse's stuff - or not as you choose. It should not be kept from you, nor your things from him.

What's in my handbag, Daytimer, on my computer, stuffed in the back of my lingerie draw, and telephone conversations.

In my marriage there is really nothing private. I know his passwords, he knows mine. And we have joint bank accounts.