What Do You Do When Your Child Is Trying His Hand at Lying?

I also have an eight year old girl she has been caught lying. What I did is what my mom and dad did to me and this is also what my husband's parents did to him. I washed her mouth out with soap. When my three year old is old enough and tells a lie she will also get the ssame treatment. And have a glass of water on hand.

Before going into what to do once the problem has presented itself, I would like to suggest that a natural focus on character strengths become part of a family's daily habit. My grandmother used to tell us stories about people with virtue and how much everyone loved the people they could trust. It can be helpful to memorize quotations from Sacred Writings and Scriptures and talk about what they meant. One we discovered was:

"Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity." ~Abdu'l-Baha

This allowed us to discuss other virtues, such as bravery, friendliness, and courtesy. This can open a discussion about how hard it is to try to feel brave or friendly when not telling the truth so the child can really 'feel' the power of truthfulness rather than you just telling them you 'think' it is important.

As a couple of the replies below indicate, at age 8, the most common reason for dishonesty is fear or anxiety. Up to age 6, however, children will often say what they wish were true, as if it will help make it true. When they are younger, I usually just ask them, "Is that what you wish was true, or do you really think that is true?" If they choose the latter, I strictly avoid telling them that they are telling a lie or treat them as if they cannot be trusted. I ask more questions. If it is possible, I suggest we experiment to see what the truth really is. I try to take the position of a mentor rather than an authoritarian. This does not mean I do not use authority when need. If it is an important issue, I simply explain that, although they are telling me something, grown-ups have to decide what is true and make the decision. But I feel it is very important to not give the child the impression that they have been labeled as untrustworthy, especially when they are so young.

At age 8, you can talk turkey about what is motivating the lack of interest in telling the truth. Children are trying to develop a sense of empowerment. Sometimes they are just trying something they see someone at school do because it made that child appear more powerful or more accepted among peers. Sometimes they are just developing the ability to feel socially embarrassed and they don't like that feeling and will avoid it at almost any cost. There are a variety of reasons. There are two things I've found are very important to do at this age, if the child is not developmentally delayed: Be generous with understanding and strict with discipline AT THE SAME TIME. This requires that you not let yourself be weighed down with disappointment or anger. Also, it never helps to ask a child why they lied. They always answer, "I don't know." And this time they are telling the truth! What is usually more helpful to ask is, "Can you tell me what you were feeling when you did that?" or "Do you remember the things you were thinking when that happened?"

It is also important to realize that some children with learning disabilities lack the brain integration to be able to inhibit some decisions. They can't be responsible if they never had the chance to actually make a choice. These children need therapy for brain integration, not discipline. My heart goes out to these children because few adults understand this about them and may harshly humiliate them out of frustration.

I remember one time when my son tried to lie to me in order to get permission for something he did not feel he would get by telling the truth. I listened carefully to his attempts to beguile me and employ my sympathies. I responded, hugging him affectionately, and telling him that I love him too much to give him a mother that can be too easily manipulated or fooled. Then I told him I would carefully consider his request if he would state his request with honesty and in a voice that sounded strong and brave, but not until.

If a child is caught after telling the lie, it is important that they be held responsible. But, always take care to not humiliate a child. We would devise a punishment with a focus on "recovering dignity". We would explain that the lie, itself, was its own punishment that has put their trustworthiness at risk and left their dignity in a precarious position. Then we would assign tasks that would allow a child to prove themselves more trustworthy. Then we would ask, "Does your dignity feel stronger now?" or "Do you feel a bit stronger inside after doing such a good job?"

I learned to avoid arbitrary punishments like grounding. I learned that it not only did not help a child develop the inner strengths and sense of dignity needed to inspire honesty, it also required that at least one parent was grounded too. Someone had to be there to wait it out with him! Every time I grounded my son, I was essentially grounding myself to guard duty.

There are many different situations and these are just a couple of approaches to consider. I just feel it is most important to apply discipline in a way that teaches responsibility and respect at the same time. It is also important that a child feel safe enough to tell the truth. A child should not have to fear that their parents will lose control of their emotions and respond with anger and frustration. They should, however, fear disappointing your fair expectations of them and diminishing their own power of virtue.

The book that helped us be able to understand parenting this way is "The Family Virtues Guide" by Linda Popov. It enabled us to recognize these challenging moments as teachable moments and make the most of them. I cannot recommend this book enough. But, if you read it, remember that it is simple, but not always easy. It teaches you a new way to speak to your family, but that is like learning a new language. Be patient with yourself as you try to develop the techniques and this way of thinking. It is all a learning process, even for parents!

T., I only ever CAUGHT my eldest lying once, and I made him tell the boy that he had lied to that he had lied, and that he was sorry, and that he had to ask Jesus for forgiveness. It either worked, or he got a whole lot more careful that he didn't lie around me.

Personally, I find the soap treatment to be very offensive and abusive and in this day and age it wouldn't be that good to be admitting it in public.

Lying...yes it's usually because they don't want to get into trouble. I think it's best to just patiently explain over and over that they will get into trouble more if we know they are lying, just like the other poster said.

Kids learn a whole lot more by example than by words. If you are very honest ALL the time, they will grow out of the lying. I'm not saying not to set up additional punishment for it. BUT, a word of caution.

There is nothing more hurtful than to be accused of something that is simply not true. So before you assume the child is lying be darn sure. It's better to let a child get by with it because you are unsure than to hurt their feelings by making a baseless accusation.

I think as parents we all need to check our motives. Many people that think they would never lie or steal do it all the time in one way or the other like...calling in sick when they are not, taking supplies home from work, cheating on their taxes etc. My dad was a liar and not at all honest. I like to think I turned out much better than that. But I only did because I became a Christian and certainly without his help!

If you are definitely being a good example then relax. It will all come out in the wash in the end.

Suzi

I read somewhere once a mother's creative response to her daughter's lying. She told her she would take her somewhere that se was anxious to go (I think it was to see a special movie. They started out on their trip and Mom decided to turn around and go back home. When daughter was upset she sat her down and said "Yes, I lied to you. Now do you see how it hurts to have someone lie to you? You promise not to lie again and I promise not to lie to you again."

What I tell my kids (and what my parents told me) is that trust is HUGE. And of course, explain what trust is. I tell my kids that when people lie that no one ever knows what to believe anymore so when something serious or important comes up (they are feeling sick, they are in a troubled situation, the teacher gets on to them about something and they truly didn't do it, etc.) I won't be able to believe them or stand up for them. It is important for kids to understand that lying comes with consequences. I also told my kids the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf when they were little. Your son just needs to know WHY lying is wrong, the consequences that could arise from it, that it is disrespectful to you, etc. If he lies to you about something then show him a consequence for lying that fits what he lied about. As soon as he figures out that it comes with a consequence that isn't pleasing he might think about it more and do the right thing. I think it can be a little bit of a phase to a certain extent. I caught my 9 year old son in a lie or two a couple years ago. He didn't like it when I didn't believe what he said for a few days so he quit doing it. It'll work out! Good luck! :)

First and foremost, at his age, he realizes what a lie is, but doesn't quite understand the consequences. What he doesn't realize is what the long term effects can be from continuously lying. I've been through this with both my boys and my youngest girl. After you catch him in a lie, the very first thing you should say is that lying is so unlike him and that he is a terrible liar.
Next, make him explain why he felt the need to lie instead of just telling the truth. Be sure to reinforce the fact that he will receive a harsher punishment for the lie than for the issue that has caused him to feel as if he should lie.
The next step you need to take is to tell him how disappointed you are that he is lying about things, that he has always been your good boy and that your heart is hurt because he's lied to you. Really play up the heartbreak that it causes (yes, I know it really does cause a lot of heartache!). If you attend church, make him approach your pastor and tell him what he's done. If you don't, make him tell his grandparents.
The final step is to pick a punishment and follow through with it. If you don't follow through, the opportunity to teach him about virtues and morals has been wasted.
On a side note: be sure that you are setting a good example for him...i.e. don't even tell little white lies in front of your children because they recognize what you are doing and follow your example.
This has worked for me through 3 children and it works with all of my children's friends. Good luck!

Hi T.,
* is about the age of first lies....it happened to everybody and all the kids do it at least once (more than once usually but they don't always get caught). He is at the right time to understand the consecuences, so you have to find athe way that you can explain clearly in his languaje (not adult languaje) why he shouldn't lie. Other moms already gave you advice in why's but I am sure you have your own reasons that you want him to understand.
Explain, put examples in simple words and see how he reacts to the examples, make him put himself in the situation of someone else lying to him and what can happen with his feelings once he realize that it is not true or what will happen in may situations because of that lie.
Try to be calm and look at him into his eyes, wait for his reaction and explain again if necessary, don't get angry or raise your voice while explaining or he will be scare to ask if he doen't quite undestand. Offer him to ask questions and to tel you when something wasn't clear for him.
I went trough this with my daughter already, she is turning 9 in May, never did it again. Now she can tell when someone is lying and she doesn't like it.
Good luck!
Mariana Abadie
www.MaiaCreations.ecrater.com
www.MyKidsFirst.com

Maybe you've already tried this, but he's old enough that you could sit him down and explain to him that lying is wrong, and sometimes it's hard to tell the truth. Tell him it really hurts you when he lies to you and you will be really proud of him for telling the truth. You would rather hear the truth about something he did than a lie about it. My parents always told me that I would get in less trouble if I told the truth.

You could tell him there will be consequences for lying, but that you know he is smart and bright enough that you are sure this won't be a problem any longer. Sometimes, by telling kids clearly that you know he can do better and you don't ever expect it to happen again, can give them a reality check and they will want to live up to those expectations to please you.
Best wishes!

My children and 9 and 11 soon to move up an age. When our son lies he can't keep a straight face so he ends up laughing and telling the truth. Now our daughter if she wants to lie and say the sky is green and u know it is blue she will beat it till you give up. We have tried everything with her as far as punishment, but thru all of this we have found that most of the time it is because she is scared. This last time she was willing to get someone in trouble for something that they didn't do, but they did threaten her and she didn't want to admit she was scared because she is a very strong child, she will stand up for herself and what she believes in. But the person that threatened her this time is 3 times her size, but around the same age as her. When we finally got this all out in the open she was better. Our son is very emotional person and it takes a lot out of him so I don't think he finds the fight worth it, usually if his sister did something wrong and she lies about it he will say he did it or if it is something as far as something being spilled or whatever he will clean it up even though she is the one that did it and she wouldn't admit it. If we know for sure it was something that she did then yes she does get a punishment, if it could have been either of them and both say they didn't do it, it was that wall over there, they both get punished. We told them if you are going to lie about something so minute who used to much toilet paper in the toilet, then how are we going to believe you when it is something serious or something that has happened at school. So this sits in their mind when it happens now and we remind them of it when something comes up and it usually nips things in the butt.

If you don't mind using the "Ten Commandments"...I told my son your lying & I don't like it that you would stand in my face & tell Mom a lie. Do you know that your breaking God's law? Can you tell me which one(s) of the commandments that your breaking? He told me about thou shall not lie....& I said you've broken some other's can you think of those? Thou shall honor thy mother & father. You might look into who your son is hanging out with as well. I wish you the very best & God Bless.

That is wonderful that you have taught him the importance of not lying, now he must know the consequeses as well. You must punish him so he knows the seriousness of it. Make him stay in for a weekday evening or weekend day. or what ever punishment you feel is right for his age. But stick to it, i think that is part of the state of America now we are not taking values seriously and children are out of control. believe it or not kids want guidelines and structure, I think you are doing a fine job doing that. Good luck

im sure what your child is doing is not unusual....they all try it at one point and time..lol...i have an 8 yr old myself and she has tries it also every now and again...when she tries it with me i can usually tell...i always call her on it and if the truth comes out right away then she gets a time out to think about it....if i have to find out about it on my own then she loses a privelidge...and she has to physically admit what she did is wrong and say why she lied...i feel like if they dont have to admit it and tell u why then they arent learning much from the discipline u give them...

when my kids were little dawn soap, taking away privlages and spending time in the corner alawys worked for them. They never liked the Dawn soap I hope this helps.

Good Morning T., as one poster said we got our mouth washed out with soap. Well I didn't like it one little bit so that broke me fast. Took one time. My daughter in law has a problem with some of the tried and true things we grew up with. I made our boys brush their teeth with ivory soap. They didn't like it either.

Most kids try the lying to stay out of trouble. I told our boys if they tell the truth to start with the consequences were less sever. If I caught them in a lie it would not go well for them. They had to write I will not Lie, over and over again. They had to write out the definition of lying and the word consequences. All in all the discipline needs to fit the crime. Our youngest now 31, his eyes would dilate when he tried to lie and he could never look at me for more then a few seconds. There are little mannerisms we catch on to quickly. ;)

Mom's can be very creative ya know.

Good Luck and don't grow weary, you can handle it just fine and he will grow to respect that his parents cared enough to correct this behavior.

Always K.

We have always told our 3 boys since they were young that we can always handle the things that go wrong in life. We cannot and will not tollerate lying. Its a trust issue and its more difficult to fix a lie than it is to fix a problem. We didn't have many experiences at them continuing to lie - until they got older. Now 2 of the boys are teenagers and they've both tried it, and have gotten caught. I first and foremost punish them for the lie. Then I deal with the problem that caused the lie.

The lies are usually because they had bad judgement about something and they want to cover it up. Someone recently told me that boys lose all sense of reason when they hit puberty. So far, I believe that to be true. My oldest who has always been a model child and student has recently done some crazy things that are totally out of character for him, made some bad judgements, and tried to hide it. I still punish for the lie, then deal with the problem. I don't think I will ever change that, and I continually enforce that lying is not tollerated. Good Luck.