What Is "Attachment Parenting? Is It "Spoiling"?

I don't think carrying a baby around all the time is synonymous with "attachment parenting." The things you should do with a baby are different from what you should do with a three year old. In my opinion, if there's any way you can do it, you should absolutely "spoil" a baby for the first six month of its life.

But some of the things I have heard parents do with toddlers and older kids in the name of attachment parenting sound a little unnecessary and unhealthy. I don't think it's good for kids to get the idea that the world is all about them.

Attachment parenting or not, you're doing it right. Infants need body-to-body contact, prefer to be next to their mother at all times, and should be fed on demand. Keep it up and let the comments pass right by.

ETA: I have a now 7-year old. We practiced attachment parenting, and I think she's thrown exactly two tantrums in her life. There is no correlation, IMO.

Attachment theory is based on developmental psychology, first introduced by Freud, and then followed on by Bowlby and Ainsworth.

Basically, when a child has a good attachment with their primary caregiver, they are happier and more trusting. They know that their caregiver loves them and will come back if they leave.

Unfortunately, most people do not understand attachment theory. It doesn't mean that you carry baby around all the time, though wearing baby in the early months certainly has its plusses. It's all about psychological development. Trust and mistrust. And it's based upon your actions as a parent and how you respond (or don't) to your child's needs.

You might want to read up on it a little more, because done CORRECTLY, ensuring a good attachment is exactly what you want for your baby.

Regarding "wearing baby," I also suggest you watch the documentary "BABIES." I saw it on Netflix. Some cultures "wear" their babies like you do...and then when they start moving around more, they pretty much let the kids spend most of their time together. They crawl and walk SO much faster! Parents also let their babies explore and learn more on their own, causing them to be braver and more secure in their environment. The amazing contrast is that the documentary also shows those cultures who basically sanitize everything for baby and carry baby less. Those babies develop physically and mentally SO much slower. It's incredible. So your "friend" is dead wrong.

I think attachment parenting, like so many other types of parenting, is something you have to do with careful thought regarding how it will affect them later on down the road. It's very misunderstood. Yes, if you never teach baby to self-soothe, you're going to eventually have problems. Yes, if baby never learns to fall asleep on his own, you're going to eventually have problems. Yes, if you never let anyone else hold him, you're going to eventually have problems.

So you make sure that your baby has balance. If he never gets out of your arms to explore, there are going to be problems. Part of attachment theory is based on the yo-yo, or you coming back to baby. When you leave and come back, they learn they can trust you. When you respond to their cry, they learn they can trust you. So snuggle and cuddle and love on him, but also teach him that he's safe when he's not in your arms. That you come back. That he can trust you.

I wouldn't pay any attention to that person you mentioned. You know what is best for your baby. But read up...there's so much about attachment theory that the mainstream does not understand. And unless you understand it and apply it properly, you ARE going to raise a little brat. It's important that if you're going to attempt to use a certain theory in parenting, that you understand it fully.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your little guy.

My pediatrician told me, "Fruit spoils if you handle it too much. Your baby is not a banana."

ETA: Yeah, what ChristyLee said. People still try to tell me how resilient children are and he won't remember, etc. They brush certain things off with, "Oh, he's okay." I dismiss it.
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I think that the basic thinking behind it is to pay attention to who your children are and what they need to be and do their personal best. Some parents want to simply fit the baby into the life that they've already made. Some parents have to give baby what they feel that they lacked in their own childhoods. Attachment Parenting is just the name recently assigned to a parenting style that puts the focus on the child...customized care, if you will. So many of our adult issues can be traced back to how we developed emotionally as children, how we were parented even in infancy. An AP belief is that these issues can be mostly addressed the first time around if we are willing to pay attention and put in the work. It looks different for every child becase every child is different. No one can compare or contrast what you do for your child with what they do for theirs.

I am an "attachment" parent. I had this idea to parent in this way well before I knew that it had a name. My bottom line is that I don't want him to be forced to learn how to be independent; I want him to feel secure enough to seek independence. It takes a lot of energy because I have to spend more time with him. I carried him around the house with me because he wanted to see what was going on in his world. Even at 21 months now, he makes certain demands and has expectations. I don't mind telling him no to some things, but I'm glad that he feels confident enough to have those expectations. He trusts me and feels loved by me.

People used to tell me that if I kept him on my lap or next to me, then it would be harder for him to leave. My response was that I won't push him away from me; I'll love on him and let him feel secure enough to venture away from me. I remember the day that he climbed down from my lap and sat on the floor.

People try to insult it with labels like "helicopter mom". To that I say a big fat WHATEVER. I don't care if somebody thinks that I pay too much attention to my child, that I put too much energy into anticipating his needs and preparing for them. This doesn't mean that he gets everything that he wants. It means that he gets what he NEEDS. When he was younger and he was getting up while I was preparing to go to work, he would sometimes need an extra long hug. Instead of prying his arms from my neck, my husband would come along and let him see me all the way to the car. That's not letting the kid be in control. That's showing the kid that he matters.I don't mind use of the word "spoiled". I want him to be spoiled...feeling loved and important. As long as he also learns to be respectable and respectful, why should it matter?

I think it means different things to different people. It often involves baby wearing and cosleeping. Your baby is still a NEWBORN (not even an infant yet) and needs little other than your love, food, diapers and clothes. I would tell whoever that is that you and your DH are doing the right thing for your child. We are so starved for physical contact in this society. Why deprive a tiny baby of being held? As for the rolling and whatever, he's 11 weeks old. Holding his HEAD up is pretty much the biggest thing right now. Give him tummy time and let him have time on the floor as his needs require as he gets older. He'll be fine. I kept my DD close to me, too, and she rolled just fine. Further, she's 4 now and barely said good bye to me at preschool. So much for being dependent.

I wonder...does this person think that boys should be tough and worries that he won't be "man enough" some day?

Meh. Too much drama over cuddling a baby. If one day he has a tantrum in a store because you didn't buy him a lollipop, then that's spoiled. But this isn't spoiled. This is taking care of your baby's needs.

Dr. Sears, advocate of attachment parenting, said "You can only spoil fruit. Loving your child will not spoil her/him." I spent as much time as possible with my children, including reading together in bed and sleeping together when they wanted. There were still many rules of appropriate behavior, rules about being kind, rules about doing schoolwork -- being "attached" does not eliminate fairness and discipline from their upbringing. But I loved them madly, and they knew it. I spent time with them, such as putting down my newspaper when they wanted to tell me a story. Or going to the park with them when I might have preferred to have coffee with a friend. They grow so quickly, and your time and affection are so valuable to them. Mine are teenagers now -- they are pushing me away and breaking my heart, as all teenagers do -- but they are incredibly good kids and good students and good friends in their social groups. They are accomplished and confident. And now and then, they even remember to tell me they still love me.
Attachment parenting says you are instilling confidence in your child so that she/he will grow into a strong, independent and well-rounded adult -- and in my experience, it works. My kids know they can go out into the world and always have a safe, loving family to return to. They believe in themselves, we trust each other, and they are happy -- is there any more successful outcome that a loving parent could hope for?

At 11 weeks I see no need for concern with lots of wearing and cuddling, and also, it's no one else's business. I have a few attachment parent friends-they even have an attachment parenting book group. Another friend left it and didn't care for the group. I'm definitely in disagreement with a lot of the principles, but I think at it's core it has good basic ideas (many instinctual) but some parents do misuse it for spoiling imo. One couple in particular never drifted from their daughter's side from wearing/co-sleeping, on demand nursing (the child never waited five minutes to nurse-her mom basically stopped doing errands for a couple of years) to hovering around a toddler and basically and she was EXTREMELY fussy and couldn't cope with normal play situations. They also made EVERYTHING all about her. They ALL had to go to bed at 8. They would cancel plans at the drop of a hat if she "needed them" and she always did throw wild tantrums if they ever tried to leave her with grandma or sitter. The parents always felt she "needed them" while some of us thought it appeared they were "making her need them" but again, they overdid it, and many attachment parenters are less like that. Some parents like it because it sort of opts for bonding INSTEAD of firm discipline for things, and I feel this backfires in kids who aren't gentle by nature. For example, the girl I was mentioning would be very mean and aggressive. The last time we had a play date with her (she was three) her dad told her it was time to put on her coat and leave. She got angry and yanked a toy from my daughter (2) and threw it nearly missing her face and then she (the fussy girl) hit the ground for a meltdown. The dad said, in his gentle nurturing voice that never changes, "She's really needing us right now I think, we've been busy and her schedule has sort of been weird lately, I'm just going to take her to the park and have some one-on-one time with her". Um. OK. I personally would have disciplined my child for that but whatever. Her mom doesn't work or put her in daycare and they never leave her with anyone else. She's a troublesome five-year-old now. Super grumpy. So you know. There are extremes to everything. Cuddling an 11 week old to me doesn't verge on any of this.

I love what Ren and Christy Lee had to say. Very accurate.

Attachment parenting is very much about the relationship between parent and child and developing that bond and a trusting relationship. If your child trusts you and knows that you will always be there for them, they will feel safe to explore the world.

It's very much about meeting your child's needs. If your child in hungry, feed him/her. If your child needs to sleep, then it's time for a nap. This is in contrast to the idea of putting your newborn on a schedule. It recommends following your child's cues, not the clock.

I've heard it called "child led parenting," which I think is very misleading. It is child led in the sense that the needs of the child are what guides the parents. However, many understand this to mean that the child is the boss and decides what will happen (ie, if your little one says he needs ice cream for dinner, then he gets ice cream for dinner).

It's really about that relationship and about focusing on what our children really need and trying to keep ourselves from doing things simply because they are convenient for us.

I really wanted to reply to say that Christy Lee is brilliant and amazingly well-informed. This is really a ditto to her post.

Developmentally, infants (like your son) need attachment. They need to have their first emotional experiences be feelings of being loved. But just as Christy said, as infants turn into babies and babies turn into toddlers, their need for attachment decreases and their need for exploration increases. The thing I now believe is that parents should support independence when babies are at their happiest, most confident moments -- crawling around, getting into everything. They should not force it when babies are feeling vulnerable -- waking up alone at night. Even more than being attached, it's important to be *attuned.*

With my son, I probably overdid the attachment thing a little. And, he is NOT a spoiled child. To the contrary, he's uncommonly polite and considerate of others. He can be a little clingy at times, and he's hesitant about taking risks. I wish to no end that I'd turned the attachment thing down, notch by notch, as he got to be an older baby. But who knows. I wouldn't trade my quiet, thoughtful, highly literate, trustworthy little solid citizen for anything, ever, in the world.

I wore all my kids a lot but not just because. What I mean is if they need to be held and I need to get things done, I wore them. If they were content to play on a mat or in their crib I didn't pick them up and wear them.

I guess I am saying if you give him a full diet of different activities then wearing him instead of letting him fuss somewhere isn't a problem. If wearing him is the only activity other than eating and sleeping then you have a problem.

Heck I used to mow the lawn with the kids attached. Figured it was a great way to experience the outdoors. :)

Oh, and I don't consider myself and attachment parent. To me they are those women who sleep with their kids until they are teens and breastfeed for the same length of time. Kind of a bit over the top if you ask me.

I have never labeled my parenting style but what you are describing sounds perfectly normal to me. I think you are doing everything right b/c you are just following your instincts and doing what feels right for you.

I do not believe that babies that young can be spoiled, they need us! You say he is getting plenty of tummy-time and that he gets put down to sleep to fall asleep on his own, which is great!

~I too suffered PPD with my kids, the 2nd kid bearing the brunt of it, my poor baby! PPD is nothing to e ashamed of, it happens to a lot of us and it is very real!

I don't know why people think "Attachment Parenting" is new.

Other cultures, especially Asian, wear their babies until they can walk. Asian babies don't crawl (they think that putting a baby on a floor where you walk is a dirty thing). They go from constant holding to walking. And they walk at the "normal" time.

I don't think anything in "Attachment Parenting" is new. It just now has a name and a fan club.

You know, in a strict sense, I am not an AP, but I am a HUGE advocate of baby wearing!!! I didn't know anything about it with my oldest (he's almost 6), but with #s 2 & 3 I did, and they are MUCH more secure children, and I am able to do things like take all the kids to the zoo, clean, cook, grocery shop, etc.

Good for you!!

They are "old school" and don't get it. You are doing fine. If you can get a hold of "happiest baby on the block", it talks about the first 3 months being like a 4th trimester. Attachment parenting, especially at this age, is VERY good for babies. And soon he'll be wanting to spend more time exploring the world so you'll naturally put him down more so he can. He'll be fine. Hit the library for info on it. I don't know about Attachment parenting specifically, but I think you can take it too far and become a crazy helicopter mom. But you're just loving up your baby :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting - will give you some info, and if you google, you'll find websites that support it, etc.

You cannot spoil a child in the first year of life (T. Barry Brazelton)-I forget the name of the book/study that recently surfaced, but the upshot is that babies that are well attended to are more likely to be very independent later in life. They feel confident and comfortable with who they are, deal with problems better and have better relationships with their parents. Give him a hug for me!

I absolutely hate it when people give unsolicited negative advice! I am so sorry that your MIL and the person at your church are commenting on babywearing. They just don't understand how valuable it is. You are doing a great job and you are NOT spoiling your little one.

I'm so glad you are not second guessing yourself- keep up the great work!

Good for you! Ignore the naysayers and follow your instincts. I think it's wonderful that you are getting joy out of you attachment to your baby. Attachment parenting isn't about spoiling your baby and he'll develop just fine even if you wear him a lot.

I was an attachment-style parent. As infants, my kids ate when they were hungry (breastfed), slept when they were tired (usually in our bed at night, and wherever they happened to be during the day), and spent a lot time being held and worn. I did go back to work after 12 weeks with each of them so I didn't get to do this during they day but I remember spending hours at the end of the day quietly going about our routines with a little one in my arms. Each child had different degrees to which they wanted to be held - it was really about learning their patterns and rhythms and needs so that I could learn to respond to them.

Enjoy this time, it goes by so fast!

There are two schools of thought and some thought in between. I'll tell you what I think. First I'd like to say that if you had PDD with your first two and don't with this baby, I am happy for you. You must be so relieved. However, I caution you to not try to make up for what the other babies missed with this one. If you do, you very well may end up treating him better than your other two, and that would not be fair. Your other children will end up really resenting him and you don't want that.

Now, about the carrying. You do need to put him down so that he can develop. You can get joy from your baby in ways other than wearing him. You can sit on the floor with him, show him toys, put one of those swinging things over him and let him enjoy that. He cannot get that kind of stimulation when you wear him. He also needs tummy time in order to strengthen his neck.

One mom wrote on here when she was 8 months pregnant that they actively practiced attachment parenting with their son and she had to stand for a long time rocking him back and forth beside the crib in order for him to fall asleep. It was killing her and she didn't know what to do. Her boyfriend, if I am remembering right, was adamant that she continue, and she didn't know how she was going to do it anymore so big and pregnant, AND when the baby came. They didn't even let that child cry - as soon as he cried they would scoop him up, even if that meant carrying him around all the time. I wonder what happened to her and that little family of hers.

I don't know what attachment parenting looks like for older children, but I would assume that it involves a great deal of tantrums as soon as the parent starts to say no to things. I would not have done this with one of my children for the world...

Dawn

I don't know. I am not sure the term existed when mine were babies... lol.

I would simply tell you to disregard the comments. You and your son, and the rest of your family, are benefitting from what you are doing, right? So keep it up. You are aware of "spoiling" down the line---you have two older boys... I'd suggest to you that your wearing your baby now, is enabling you to have better quality time with your two older boys than you would if you were putting the baby down more frequently. It keeps YOU more mobile, which is good for your older boys.
Don't second guess yourself so much over this.
You didn't mention this other person's situation, either. Are they an experienced parent? Or someone who has a lot of "parenting knowledge" from schooling or reading books? Do they HAVE kids? Have they experienced PPD?

Keep up the good work, is what I would say in regards to your wearing your baby.

i shouldve wore emmy...well i guess i did in a way with out that handy sling
she was a reflux baby and screamed non stop so i carried her and fed her 24/7 (exagerated, i'd do other things with her and play until she broke my eardrums by screaming) in those early weeks. I also put her on the floor and let her explore...she spoke at 12 weeks, rolled over the same time, sat up unassisted at 5 months, walked holding furniture at 6 months...all while being obsessed with M..

I'm a firm believer of "Do what works for you!" and no babies are alike so what do we know=)?

if you need to cosleep because you have a BAD( i say that in jest, kinda she was evil=)) baby that screams non stop like i did, and its either that or falling asleep standing or sitting and risking the baby fall do it.
If you dont have to, dont
if you're baby likes to be worn and you do too, do it

Stick to your happy new love. You can never spoil a baby. A great book, but a little sad and scary, is HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS by Neufeld and Mate. It really is a great book about attatchment parenting, but of older kids.
I would assume that all this love is a good thing, and would spread to the whole family. Maybe helping/healing your realtionship with your other children.
You are the mum, don't listen to anybody else - do what is right for your family.

Sounds completely normal to me and nothing wrong with it. BTW, who is telling you this? I am wondering why they are so worried about this when you and your husband are fine with it.

I think the opinions you are getting are out of jealousy and guilt on how they raised their own children. I have found through honest conversations that a lot of elderly people feel they lost out on strong bonds with their children. They were raising children at a time when kids were in playpens a lot of the day, didn't nurse their babies because it was not in vogue at the time and many were given medicine in the hospital to dry up their milk, they also were taught not to spoil the baby with too much attention and that it was good to let your baby cry. I will never forget my grandmother in law sitting mesmerized as she watched me nursing my last baby. She was practically sitting on my lap in a trance which made me feel a little uncomfortable...until she opened up to me. She never nursed her babies. Dr's told women at that time that it wasn't the healthiest choice and she was given that dreaded pill to dry up her milk. My heart ached for her as she looked back on her life and wished she had done things differently. She has never made me feel bad..always saying that the parenting advice now is sooooo much better.

I am no expert, but I think you have a healthy relationship with your baby because you state you don't need to be with him 24-7. He sleeps on his own, you let him soothe himself to sleep and you give him tummy time. He has autonomy...but also knows M. loves him more than life itself. Now...that is what every child should know deep down to the core.

I have gone to some parenting classes and the teacher said you can never spoil a child with too much love. It is the opposite that parents really should worry about..not too much love and attention!

I loved using my sling with my kids. It saved my back and shoulder and helped me be available to the older kids as the baby snuggled in the sling.

Good luck and best wishes at dealing with well meaning advice...but just go with what your heart tells ya!! Enjoy those tender times with your baby and just smile at those giving you M. advice.

Very good Anita!

I'm going to just throw out there what happens at the other end of the spectrum. My DSD has reactive attachment disorder. In other words her mother didn't do all of the things you should do to care for your child by responding to their needs and building a bond of trust. She never learned cause and effect thinking because you learn that from someone responding to your needs in your first 3-5 years of life. She doesn't have empathy, or any connection to the human race because she had to fend for herself. She doesn't have a conscience because she has no empathy.

I once heard attachment parenting described as doing what is best for everyone involved. The goal is to raise responsible independent adults. I started off with a lot of babywearing and now that my LO is walking she is independent enough to walk out of my sight and come back all by herself without any problems. It tends to involve bedsharing, babywearing, natural consequences, breastfeeding (sometimes extended), positive discipline and other things. I am very much an attachment parent, I live with proof of it's importance. I agree that it is largely a matter of following your instinct. A lot of the things that are considered to be normal now are things that were actually created to force an infant to an adults schedule.

Good gor you! I am glad that this is such a different experience from your other two. I did attatchment parenting and only my MIL said something. To my famiy and friends it was only ever the normal thing. My daughter and I have a great relationship, even through a really hard divorce from her father. With that foundation I am confident her teen years (which start in a couple of weeks) will be good ones. My only thought for you is that in enjoying this time with your baby it might make it easier to go back and experience it with your oher two. You can still readdress it and bond with them to create that closeness you want. Not that you aren't close, but in case you feel there might still be something missing. Anyway, enjoy the time!

I am all for Attachment Parenting, I have done most of the things that it is about (cosleeping, extended breastfeeding, feeding on demand, baby wearing, listening to what your baby actually needs or wants, etc), and just because you were wearing an 11 week old (which is still a small baby and needs a lot of love) has nothing to do with attachment parenting on its own. Attachment Parenting is more of a way of life, physically and mentally being attached to your baby. I think of all of the things to complain about, baby wearing is ridiculous. I see so many babies in car seats all of the time, for hours in a row, and not in a car, that seems a lot worse to me.

Anyway, it sounds like you are doing a great job, and no, kids do not become super dependent because of this. My son is now 4, and since he was able to walk at a year has been very independent, wanting to do everything by himself and just running off and being able to make friends anywhere he goes (without needing me at all). We have a great relationship, and even though he is an only child and raised with Attachment Parenting, he is in no way spoiled, well maybe with hugs, kisses, and cuddles, but he knows what is allowed and what isn't, and he behaves very well most of the time.

We follow attachment parenting very loosely. What it looks like to me is the baby (9 months old) sleeps in our room but not in our bed, unless I fall asleep nursing him. Instead of pushing him in a cart or stroller I carry him in a baby carrier. I breastfeed him on demand. If he is crying I try to pick him up or change his environment, like moving him from the playpen to his circle chair or to his room. My husband also holds him a lot. We dont leave our kids with other people, partly because we have no trustworthy family members and partly because we feel a baby so young should be with his parents.

I still feed jarred baby food and vaccinate my kids. My older dd gets timeouts and watches dora. What I took away from attachment parenting was more of the general philosophy. In the grand scheme of life, your babies are young for such a short time. Is it really that hard to just take care of them yourself. Its not realistic to think you will be able to do all of the things you did before you had kids. Life should be centered around the kids when they are that young. I feel there is so much pressure to 'do it all', have the kids, but not let them tie you down, have a family and a demanding career, ect. For me attachment parenting meant freedom from all that and the ability to just be a mom, and have that be enough.

Don't worry about what they are saying and don't let them get to you. Sounds like you have done some healing and you are able to be close to this baby and 11 weeks old you can't spoil them!!! Now when he gets a little older then you might not wear him as much but right now it's great that you can. And if it's not bothering your husband he's the only other one that should have maybe a little say in it. You do what's best for you and your family and that's the only thing that matters. MIL and mothers think it's their place to put their two cents in especially when its not wanted!!!!

I too had PPD/Anxiety but thankfully nipped in the bud at 3 weeks PP. I had my daughter "naturally" and bonded skin-to-skin with her for several hours following her birth, but the PPD that settled in after leaving the hospital put distance between us. I began treatment and started feeling better when she was about 2 1/2 months old. I made it my sole purpose to make up for that lost time - I carried/wore her everywhere, let her sleep on me, responded to every whimper, gave her massages, lovingly touched her, kissed her and gave her love at every opportunity. She is a year old now and it's still that way, except she goes to daycare 3 days a week so I can work part time. Anyhow, my point is - she met all her milestones early (except walking still working on that) despite my so-called "attachment" style. It sounds to me like your family/friends have been reading too much Time magazine. I'm not a fan of labels. Just tell them you're a "Parent Who Loves Her Child Very, Very Much"...except that's not a catchy phrase. xx

They are just from another generation...just smile and nod when they spout off their opinions. It sounds like you are doing everything great with your little one. :)