What Is Misbehavior in a 2 Year Old?

You've got the right idea. Try to prevent as many issues as you can! Be aware of when he is tired or hungry, and be understanding when he has these meltdowns. (It's one thing to have to remove him from a situation, that's okay because it's helping him!)

Two year olds really have very little to no self control or discipline. That's still mom's job - to intervene and redirect, and to start talking about what is okay and what is not. (I'm definitely not trying to suggest to let them get away with stuff, but I hear too many parents who say/suggest "he should know better" -- not yet, he shouldn't! He's learning!). As he nears 3, he is more able to connect cause and effect, ie a timeout for deliberate disobedience will begin to have meaning if used appropriately.

A wonderful woman who works with families asserts that two year olds "don't misbehave". They are responding to needs. Hungry and tired? Fix it. Feed them. Let them rest.

I've worked with kids for a long time and what I've come to learn is that up until they are three or so, they're still babies in a lot of ways. Their brains are still developing, and much of their emotional processing is going on in their lower, more primitive brains. This isn't meant to be an insult, this is actually proven human brain study. The higher part of the brain that we equate more 'human behavior' with is still developing. Much of their pain and upset gets sent down to the 'lower' brain, which interprets these needs as pain and responds with a similar distress.

I would work on having some [arenting tools at your disposal. If your son isn't sitting down for meals or when he needs to, if it's appropriate, strap him in. Or have him be "all done" at the table. Or, if you let lunchtime go too late (I've done this a few times) and kiddo's revved up, hold him on your lap and let him eat there. Distract him with *your* attention.

If you have made sure he's rested and fed, and he's still trying to assert himself, give him reasonable choices that you can live with. This is where positive discipline comes in. For example, when my son was two, he wanted to climb on the kitchen table. "You may keep your feet on the floor, or you may play over there (living room)." When he tried to climb up again, I'd take him to the living room and tell him "You may play in here now." If, again, he wouldn't stay on the floor but went back, I would tell him, "Be safe. Feet on the floor or you sit in the stroller." This was especially helpful when I had work I needed to do. The stroller wasn't a punishment: I gave him toys to play with. He just needed to learn that the table wasn't going to be a choice, and I would still get my cooking or dishes done.

The same with being outside; my son liked to wander over to the street and go into it. "You can stay up here with me, or you may sit in the stroller." Once again, compliance and containment were the options. Either way, I could do what I needed to do, knowing he was safe.

So that's my suggestion: when undesired actions occur, give two choices: what you would like them to do (Keep feet on floor, stay out of the street, stay in his seat) or another suitable option (containment, food goes away until the next meal, etc.)

In regard to self-control, that's a tough one. Self regulation is very hard for a child to master unless there's been a lot of punitive action on the part of the parents. Children show a wide variety of levels of self-regulation at this age, but I don't expect it and try to prepare my house and my son's areas with this in mind. (This is why we childproof, right?) I treat two year olds like they are babies in some ways-- they look more like mini humans at this point, don't they? We dress them similarly to our own selves, but they are more like babies than they are like us.

i like what hazel said about two year olds are reacting to a need. yes, if they are doing something dangerous or not minding, a time out is appropriate, but you can't discipline him for being upset about something, he has a right to his feelings. (now with a temper tantrum, WE have a right not to be subjected to that - into his room mine went until he could act like a big boy). 99% of the time when mine acted out (more true, the more upset he got) it was because, like she said, he was either hungry or tired or bored. take care of the actual problem (and pay attention to his cues so you can stop it before it starts) and you will fix most of the behavior issues. also of course, he is two so he is starting to exert himself- be consistent and fair with rules and expectations. and discipline, again, consistently and fairly. offer choices when you can. i didn't read all the previous responses (sorry, my attention span isn't that great) but that's it in a nutshell, for me. acknowledge that they may have their own little opinions, and respect that. they are little people too. think how you'd feel if someone was constantly telling you what to do, how to do it, what not to do, etc...look at it from their perspective. hang in there!

Hazel has given you some practical and workable advice about how a young toddler functions, and how to make the most of it. I'd like to add my favorite list of tips for a happy toddler/parent partnership.

1. I hope you will hold in mind that your son is not "trying" to be naughty; he's trying to meet some need, and he has a very poor repertoire of strategies with which to try. Children truly don't want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances. Adults have so much more practice in meeting our own needs in more civilized ways. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and for a couple more years, he just won't see very much from your point of view. He can't help it. Dawdling, digging in heels, bolting, ignoring, and even tantrums are often a natural outcome of being more scheduled, pressured or frustrated than he can endure. And some children have a MUCH harder time of it than others.

2. There are methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration he will experience during the next couple of years. While some steps require a bit of advance planning or extra patience from you, overall, you'll spend LESS time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.

3. When he wants something, empathize, big time, and in his language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little guy realizes you do care about what he wants, he's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from him.

4. There are lots of positive ways to approach discipline (which actually means teaching, and not punishment), rather than just saying no. Kids hear NO! often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous. Instead of "Put that remote down!" for example, try "Here, play with this (dead) cell phone!" There will also be times when you must have cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or distraction that he gets to play with only at those times.

5. Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. Children learn primarily through play and imitation. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your son's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be. (Also be aware that some "behaviors" like throwing are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" outlets for those repeating behaviors.)

6. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on some activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert a minute before making the change.)

7. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though he's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

8. Learn his limits. Try to keep demands low when he's tired, over-managed, overstimulated, hungry, or sick. He won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

9. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some temptation they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take some fascinating object away, or a healthy treat when he wants a sweet snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into his determination to get something he wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing). And those interactions will give him some of the positive strokes he might be missing now that a new baby is distracting you more.

10. Avoid bribes, but let him work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

11. Encourage lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If he has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and his.

12. Limit TV time – the passive receptivity to all that fast editing seriously interferes with children's normal brainwave patterns, making focus, cooperative behavior, and engagement in the "real" world more difficult.

13. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers, and the areas of the brain where those connections are being made develop only gradually during the toddler years.

14. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Children may be annoyed, scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding discomfort is NOT the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and modeling what you DO want from him will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want him to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

15. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your son, and make sure he knows. Treat him with calm and respectful authority. Children crave attention and approval, and if he knows you're noticing his good moments, he'll try to create more of them.

16. Be open to learning new things about your little boy daily, even hourly. Avoid labeling and pigeonholing him or his behaviors. Often, what we think or assume gets in the way of noticing what is actually happening.

I wish you well. Enjoy your little boy – this is a challenging AND rewarding age!

The purpose of discipline is to teach. You're right, when he's tired and/or hungry you cannot teach and therefore do not discipline. You take care of him so that he's not tired or hungry.

The type of discipline that I use is a form of teaching. For example redirecting is one I often use. When he's misbehaving redirect him to a different activity. He throws a toy, take away the toy, and get him doing something else. If he's tired, put him down for a nap or start a quiet calm activity.

When you tell him to sit down, do you interface directly with him (i.e look him in the eye, touch his shoulder, stop his activity) and if he doesn't sit the first time, help him sit and then give him something to hold his attention? It's a very rare 2 yo who can sit without doing something.

Your toddler has very little self-control and is just learning discipline. He has very little self-discipline and must rely on you to teach him how to behave. He has NO impulse control. He does what he feels like doing unless you intervene. Gradually he learns to not give in to that particular impulse has you consistently stop him from doing it.

Trade your two year old boy for my 15 year old boy!!!
I'll even throw in a dachshund or two.

Your son is normal, normal, normal.
You can't really discipline for meltdowns b'c his schedule is off and he 9is tired or hungry. You can re-direct him and help him begin to learn to divert the melt down.

Now, when he is up for the 100th time - then you need to firmly correct him. Because he can begin to learn self control in that aspect.

He is still a baby - but he is learning and you sound like you are on the right track.

But, really, I'll trade. LOL

I think this age is more about learning to follow instructions instead of expecting them to. I find that we do better with verbal praise when he does listen instead of disciplining when he doesn't. At this age, the only things he really gets disciplined for is biting, hitting and throwing (food).

Usually that only involves sitting on my lap or a step until he's read to say "sorry" and say, "No biting".

If he's doing it repeatedly, I know he's tired. Sometimes I ask him then if he'd like to sit, have some milk and watch a show. Usually that's enough to either calm him down - then I can decide if he really needs a nap or if he just needed some quiet time to relax.

Our "guideline" for all our kids is have high expectations, just don't punish them unless it's truly behavior that has the INTENT to hurt or be mean. We praise lots and also let them know when they aren't doing their best.

I would read I brake for tantrums and maybe that will clear things up. That is a long list to type here lol. When he's tired or hungry it's not a good time to "discipline" but you should try and teach him how to express that in a healthy way when you calm him down (the book has ideas for that).

Kids this age, do not even have fully developed "impulse-control."
Hence, everything seems like a broken record.
It is the age.
In fact, it is all of childhood.
No child, gets perfect 100%

This is an age of learning. They don't even have the aptitude for abstract socialization or communication concepts or mastery.
They are a bare slate.

Being tired/over-tired, makes kids melt-down.
They need a nap.
They also get this way when hungry. Young kids eat a lot. They need to 'graze' throughout the day, in order to keep their blood-sugar levels even keeled. When it drops, a kid or even an adult, gets fussy. And their patience and tolerance for things, diminishes.
Sometimes, they cannot, even control it.
Yes, a 2 year old, cannot control themselves at-will all perfect.
AND when hungry and tired, they have NO patience.

At this age, they are a 'reactor' to things.
They also 'think' they can do everything, just because they think it in their heads, but their motor-skills or coordination, is not yet congruent with their ideas. Nor their cognition.

At this age, they are like a rock collecting moss.

They also AT this age, from this age onward, NEED to learn how to communicate. They don't even have fully developed emotions yet, either.
Hence, they cannot even say 'how' they feel or why.... they don't even have "deductive reasoning" yet.
Thus, they are not articulate. Thus they melt-down. They think WE don't know what they want. Which is sometimes true.

From this age, I began teaching my kids about emotions/feelings and the words for it.
I let them, express themselves. I told them we were a TEAM. If they are sad/grumpy, it is okay. Even Mommy gets like that. But 'we' practice how to say it... so that we don't get frustrated etc.

My son, by the time he was 3 years old, could tell me if he was "grumpy" or "irritated" or "frustrated." AND he KNEW the differences between all of these emotions. Once I told him "are you irritated?" And he said "No Mommy, I'm frustrated...." He KNEW himself... and then was able to express that to me... and then, that lessens the tantrum in a child. BECAUSE they can say it, they know their Mommy is hearing them, and they were taught about feelings/emotions and the words for it.

Kids, have to be taught that. It is not an inherent skill.
Some adults, can't even say what they feel and don't even know how they feel.
Thus, it is taught.
It is a 'skill' like anything else.
And communication. It is a skill. It is taught.
No kid, has automatic skill in that.
They are starting from ground-zero.
So you need to teach them.

Sometimes, when a kid acts up, all they need is to know that they can commiserate with their Mom... and they just need solace.
That works for my kids.
I validate them, talk with them, they tell me how they feel and why, I don't make them "wrong" for feelings.... but we work as a "Team" about it.

Having a child, is about knowing their cues and triggers, then trying to circumvent that.

all the best,
Susan

Okay so my son is 4 and sometimes I wish he would be 2 again. I know that sounds weird but I will break it down for you.

At 2 all I would have to do was change the tone of my voice and he would stop whatever he was doing and pay attention. Besides the times he was tired or our schedule was off-- remember its not his fault he didn't get a nap or if yall's day was really busy etc. All you have to do is take a deep breath and remind yourself he is only 2 and tomorow will be better.

At 3 my son was more demanding and had more of a mind of his own but still couldn't express what he wanted or understand y mommy said no. This was the confusion stage for him all he knew was that he wanted something and didn't know why mommy said no.( didn't matter how many diffrent ways I explained he still didn't get it.

Now he is 4 but acts like he is 7 and talks back and he understands why he can't do something but that is not good enough. So he just cries. Really frustrates me. Don't get me wrong he def does not get away with acting like he is 7. But I have to still remember he wants some freedom and he is getting older. Its an everyday struggle. A lot of that comes from his cousins because they are all older than him and he now has a baby sister so he feels like he is not the baby anymore.

Just remember all ages come with diffrent problems . Also you know your child an only you know if he is doing things to get attention , just doing things he knows better than to do, or if he is just sleepy. Go with your gut.

HI S S It's up to you and your husband to set the rules for your household, you sould never tell a child something 100 times before they obey. We had a no tantrum policy with our now grown kids. If you don't nip things in the bud by or before the age of 2 they easily get set in their ways. You mdentioned tired, we were at the store one day and they was a child on the floor kicking and screming because she did not get what she wanted, the mother's excuss was she's just tired, my respond wa thats an lot of energy being displayed for someone who is tired. To many excusses these days n not enought discipline. Just my opinion J.