What Is Your Opinion?

Funeral yes, viewing no.
I was taken to view my great grandmother when I was about 6 or 7 years old. It horrified me, and had the undesirable result of making me afraid of all old people for a long time after. I saw them as walking corpses, it was awful :-(

i absolutely agree with taking kids to funerals, and for them to experience the death of loved ones as a sad but normal part of life.
i don't take 'em to viewings because i myself don't attend viewings.
khairete
S.

At age 5 they really don't understand death. They can sound like they do but they really don't get it. I would take him to the funeral but wouldn't go to the viewing. He will not get anything out of seeing an Aunt he really didn't know laying in a casket. So yes I would take him and it will open an ongoing talk about death.

When my dad died my grandchildren were 6, 5, and 3. They attended the funeral (closed casket) and participated in everything. We answered questions and still continue to field questions about death, disease, life and end of life. As they get older the questions change because their understanding changes.

You know your child. Is he ready to see a dead person? Does he realize she's NOT sleeping?

My oldest (14) and I went to a funeral in December. He's dealt with death - three grandparents - but all three were cremated. This was the first time he had seen a dead body. Yes, she was dressed, make up and all - he said she looked peaceful. He was still a little taken back - because she looked like she was asleep.

Death is part of life...we've taught our children that while our bodies may remain here on earth, our souls are taken to The Pearly Gates where judgment of your life is done and whether you get to enter the gates or not, is dependent upon your actions in life...

When you go to the viewing there should be plenty of family to stand outside with the kids (assuming there are others in your shoes). I do not think he needs to go up to the casket. From my experience there are many grown-ups who don't want to see either and would love to be outside helping with kids vs seeing a dead person.

I would bring him for the same reasons you mentioned. My mom brought me when I was a baby to a family funeral because she thought it would be too much work for my dad to watch multiple kids at home.

Five is a tricky age. At five, they can sound very mature and as if they do understand when you explain things such as how this is just her body and her soul's in heaven. But inside their heads -- you have no idea what he's really thinking and how he's processing things. He may tell you verbally that he's fine, he understands she isn't alive, but you can't be sure if that's accurate or if inside he's confused by the fact she looks so much like she's sleeping.

I would say, at this age, funeral for sure but no viewing. Will the funeral start with an open casket that is later closed? I've been to a very few funerals where the casket was open at first and then closed as part of the funeral service before the casket was carried out.

I do believe it's OK for younger kids to go to funerals if the parents have a good handle on how the kids might deal with it. But a viewing is tougher.

Might you be able to get a relative to just keep an eye on him for half an hour wherever you're staying (at a relative's home?) while you run to the viewing briefly to see other family, and then you come get him and that relative can go on to the viewing? Viewings tend to be several hours long and no one's expected to stay the whole time except often the immediate family. If you do that, I would not be over-honest with your son and tell him "I'm going to see Aunt at the funeral home" because he may think that means she's going to be there alive or sleeping. I'd just say "I need to go see some of our relatives for a short time."

I went to a lot of open casket viewings as a child. I honestly don't remember what I was told in the way of preparation. I do remember hanging out with my cousins and listening to the things adult mourners said, stuff we kids thought was ridiculous. For example, so much make-up is applied, and then there were always people saying, "Doesn't she look natural?" We kids just rolled our eyes and said that Grandma never looked like that in real life. I don't find these viewings to be meaningful now, but I understand some people do. I do think they may help some people realize that the person they knew is not in that body anymore. I also think it helped me later in life to have attended these as a child. In a way, going as a child when nothing is expected of you takes away some of the adult awkwardness.

I think it will be better if you are sensitive to the fact that a 6 hour drive is really intense for a 5 year old, and it will be doubly difficult because your trip will be quick. I think it can be beneficial to prepare the child for what he's going to see - that Aunt Susie is no longer in that body and she will not look as she did in the hospital. (She may look "better" with make-up, actually, so prep him for that.) I think it's important that kids know that dead bodies aren't scary - you know what they hear about in movies and from other kids. Obviously you will incorporate your religious beliefs, but explaining that the body isn't needed now and then what happens (burial) is done with respect in a grave that gives people a chance to visit and remember. I think you should share what you believe about Heaven, but not make it sound so desirable that kids think it's a good idea to go there sooner than expected. That's a common misconception and it can sometimes create a callousness about life in this world.

Otherwise, I would talk to him about using his "inside voice" and I would allow him to take something to do there - coloring or a book, something small and quiet. I'd also take some snacks for him - something that doesn't make a mess. If you expect him to say something to the most immediate family members, by all means, tell him what are comforting things to say. No one expects him to stand in a line and talk to a bunch of people he doesn't know.

I'd also let him know that people handle grief in different ways - there may be people crying, there may be people laughing as they share a story about Aunt Susie.

My condolences for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think any age is actually too young to learn about death - it's just a matter of how it's handled. I've always been up front with my kids about death; especially since we've always had animals that died so we needed to start dealing with it at a very young age. (It was the same for me growing up; my parents never hid death from me.) As for looking in the casket, I would leave that up to your son. My son was five when an aunt of mine died; he had never even met her but he wanted to look at her so I let him. He looked in the casket and was fine with it. Never had any nightmares or anything. As for the religious part - I'm on the same page as you!

Additionally, one thing I strongly suggest is please, PLEASE don't say she's ASLEEP! I've seen too many children traumatized and scared to go to sleep (and/or of someone else going to sleep) and never waking up again.

Good luck and safe travels!

On December 20, 1998, my beloved maternal grandmother died. My son was 4 years old, my oldest nephew was only 10, and my second cousin was only 2. So we piled seven kids into a sixteen passenger van on Christmas eve and made the drive to North Carolina to attend her final funeral and burial. The kids attended the wake and funeral here in NJ and in NC also non of them shyed away from getting close to the casket or saying their good byes. It was a beautiful experience for us and them. Keep the lines of communication open. Give him tons of various things to do on the drive. Play games with him like counting the blue cars or finding signs with some of the letters of his name in them. You don't have to really pay attention just let him do most of the work.

I'm so sorry for your loss but at least you get to share the experience with your little one. It's a teaching moment.

When my grandmother passed away this fall I took all my girls (8, 6 and nearly 4) to the funeral. They were on the fence about seeing her body and I let them decide if they wanted to go up when the time came. None of them wanted to and I didn't force them - they just stayed sitting while I went up and said my goodbyes. It was their first experience with someone they knew and loved dying and I didn't want to make it a traumatic one.

I think you should make the call when the time comes; if possible, let your son make the decision for himself.

Sorry for your loss.

My kids have all gone to open-casket wakes since they were babies. I see no reason to keep your child away, unless he is uncomfortable. My kids have been totally fine - they go up, look at the photos and flowers, then kneel down with me and say a prayer in front of the casket. They did remark that my brother didn't really look like himself because he was dressed up so much but other than that, they haven't really reacted at all.

Sorry for your loss and hope that the trip goes smoothly for you!

It depends on the kid. DD did not want to go near the casket at a family member's viewing, but was not otherwise scared by the experience. DH went forward and since I don't like dead bodies, either, I stayed toward the back with DD. We said our condolences to the immediate family. If you think your son would be bothered, then don't take him. If you think he could handle it, be prepared to leave or hang back if he can't. IMO, if your DD is going to stay home, give your son the option and see if he wants to stay home, too.

We've explained that when you die, your soul leaves. What is left is the shell of the person and the soul is gone.

I agree to allow him to take a book or quiet toy. We told DD that funerals are like being in church, even when they are not in a church, and she knows that means to be quiet and respectful.

Dying is the natural last step of life. Every living thing will die. I think it is important for us to guide our children to a healthy understanding of life and death, and to see our death rituals.

At about age 5, children kind of become obsessed with death and dying. It's developmentally normal, so be prepared to discuss it with him.

There is a ton of great guidance out there on many funeral home websites on "how to explain death and dying to a child." Especially read how you can confuse them and be careful with your explanations. Children are literal...so if you say "she's sleeping" or "she's in heaven" it's going to be confusing because your child will see that Auntie is right there in that box.

S. I'm sorry for your loss. My daughter has been to several funerals. Her first that she can remember was when she was 5. I explained to her that our neighbor had died and that she was with God now. Then I told her what she would see at the church where the funeral was held. I told her our neighbor would look like she is asleep but that she can't wake up.

At the funeral my daughter did good. Our neighbor being in a casket dead didn't bother her. She went up to see her several times. She had lots of questions that I answered but she did fine. Kids do better than we think they will in a crisis.

I think the funeral is fine, I would not take him to the viewing.

My daughter lost a fellow dance mom (the fellow dance girl was in 12th grade) last October. A lot of the dance moms and girls went, but when we realized it was open casket, I went up and paid my respects, but my daughter stayed back, looking at the happy pictures of the mom, before she got sick.

My kids have been to two other funerals, neither had open caskets. It's just too much I think for most kids to handle. But that's my two cents.

Don't lie about it - she's not sleeping, she has passed on.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I personally wouldn't, but I find the whole preserving of the body in a steal box thing to be incredibly creepy and morbid. My religion also teaches that we are supposed to go back to the earth when we die, so caskets and embalming goes directly against what we believe in. My kids have seen ashes, and they know that the urn on the mantle has their grandmother inside and that we have her ashes still because she requested to be returned to the earth in the same place and time as her son. You just approach it however you think will be best for your son.

If you think he's ready.
Make sure he knows that what he's going to see is the UN-neeeed empty shell ofAunt ABC whose soul is now in heaven, free from pain.
I think this is a perfect opportunity.
Sorry for your loss.

My sons grandpa passed away when he was 4.5. I did take him to the funeral, but we prepared for it the day before and of. I explained to him that different people have different comfort levels and ways of saying goodbye. I told him some people might prefer to stay in the pew and say their goodbye that way, while others prefer to view the body, or even touch, hug, or kiss the deceased; I told him my preference was to view and touch the hand of the deceased. I put a lot on emphasis on the fact that there is no wrong way to say your goodbyes. I also made it a point to tell him that his grandpa might look different, kind of 'not real,' if he did choose to participate in the viewing. After giving him all of this information, I told him that he should do what felt the most right to him when the time came, and that I would support him.

I made sure that there was someone near me who would prefer to stay seated in case my son did not choose to do the viewing when I went up. He chose to walk with me to the casket, and stay by my side but did not look in.

I attended all family/close friend services from a young age, and I, too, think it more than likely influenced my comfort level with death and dying. Death is, after all, the only guarantee in life, so I see no point in shielding children from it. Funerals are actually pretty great for showing us how good family can be, IMO.

I think you should take him and explain the process of having a viewing and that people die. Dying is a part of life and can happen to anyone of any age. I do my best to teach my daughter about it and we include our religious beliefs.

My daughter was 1.5 when my FIL passed away and 3 when my older brother passed away. I took her to both funerals but neither one had a viewing since they were cremated.

It's important that we remember the life they lived and to be thankful for being a part of it.

My 3 yo granddaughter went to the viewing of both my parents. She went to one funeral. She wasn't old enough to understand death. I saw this as an introduction to the concept. Death is a part of life. This is a way for you to talk about death in an appropriate way. I would take him.

There are several books written for children. The only title I remember is Freddy The Leaf. You can find these books at the library.

I think you could take her, just prepare her ahead of time so she knows exactly what to expect

My parents believed in taking us while we were young to people that weren't really close to us so that in the event it was one of our grandparents or parents, there wouldn't be that fear associated with it. They let us stay toward the back of the room and never forced us to a viewing but invited us and we could decline or stay at our own pace. I thought it was a good practice, not that its ever pleasant. But I wouldn't force one way or another...I would maybe take coloring books and a snack along for the kids as well. You may be surprised at how well they handle it. Best wishes along with my sympathy for your family. Xo

I think if u and other relative's are ok w it he will be too.....there are tons of children's books u can read if he has questions. .a Google search or your librarian can help I find them.....but honestly if u are clear on what u believe it should be fine. Unless he is sensitive they will.most likely just enjoy seeing relatives and playing w any other kids...sorry for your loss...

Updated

I think if u and other relative's are ok w it he will be too.....there are tons of children's books u can read if he has questions. .a Google search or your librarian can help I find them.....but honestly if u are clear on what u believe it should be fine. Unless he is sensitive they will.most likely just enjoy seeing relatives and playing w any other kids...sorry for your loss...

As you stated, everyone deals with death differently and what doesn't work for some, works just fine for others.

I wanted to add that I don't think 5 is too young at all. My children, who are now 5 and 7, have seen way too much loss in their short little lives. Unfortunately they already know about death, suicide, depression and more…yippee! NOT. ;-)

But, we don't shy away from death or funerals. My kids are not scared by seeing the bodies in the casket. When my husband's grandmother died, they walked right up and touched her and told her goodbye, and honestly, they barely knew her. My niece, when she died at 16, was cremated and so we then talked about that too. My brother has her cremains in a pretty box and my kids aren't afraid to touch it and talk to it. They have even hugged and kissed it.

Kids are incredibly resilient and eager to learn about the world. I think exposing my kids to these things is only helping them cope with death. Of course I don't want them to have to deal with it at such a young age, but when people die, they sometimes just have to.

If your kids see you handling the funeral with a matter of fact attitude, they will too. If you aren't scared, your kids might not be either. It's okay to cry, it's okay for your kid to see you cry. It's all okay because it's life.

I wish I could have sheltered my kids from the tragic death of my niece and of the saddening death of their great mothers but the truth is to do that would mean to avoid relationships altogether and that's just no fun.

Take your kid, let him see her body, let him know that it's okay to be sad and it's okay to say goodbye. I'm sorry about your Aunt, may her memory be eternal.

My opinion is that 5 is too young. I would not. You don't know how it will affect your child - dreams, behavior, etc.

I don't necessarily think that I would take him actually up to the coffin to see her, but he could go. You can try to explain death to him, but be aware that the part of the brain that understands death is not formed until people are in their twenties so he really won't fully understand no matter what you say/do.