What Is Your Relationship with Your Father/parents Like?

You didn't say how exactly you "reamed" him. If it was yelling at him and being insensitive, then yes you should apologize. But you said you were crying so maybe you didn't "ream" him so much as you brought some things to his attention and didn't just skirt around the issue which is fine. Maybe he needed to hear what you said.

I think once you calm down a bit, you should call him again and apologize in case he took anything you said as an offense. Tell him that you didn't mean to belittle him or anything like that but you love him a lot and you miss the man he used to be (the one with the good attitude). Tell him you're concerned about him, ask him if he's depressed (which could mean constant irritability instead of constant weeping) and let him know you're there for him and you just want things to be better for him.

He'll understand.

Cheryl,
Maybe your dad is depressed. Something to think about. He's 77 and in the twilight of his life and is coming upon his friends' -- and his own -- mortality. I understand the "buck up" talk as it sounds like he's always been a positive, upbeat, glass is half full, kind of guy ... but you can't know what he's going through because you're not there yet. I'd show a little more tenderness and understanding right now.

I think I would be more concerned that he is depressed. And you can't "snap out" of that. He may need medical care.
I don't know what I will feel like at 77. I sure know that 48 feels a whole he&$ of a lot different than 30 did.
You might want to apologize for being harsh.
He's your father, not your child.
I get the "reality check" idea...just hope you didn't upset him too much.

Hi, Cheryl:
Yes, you need to apologize for your way of expressing your
pain and hurt.
Your father is grieving for his losses. Allow him to do that with
compassion.
It is not up to you to judge people for the way they
decide to live their life.
Focus on yourself and what you can do to help your
family in their struggles in living life. Life is tough.
People make the difference.
Good luck.
D.

Hi Cheryl
I agree with the others that I think your dad is depressed. I understand that you want him TO LIVE STILL! I think you are one of the lucky ones that does have a good enough relationship with their parents that you can Scold him.
I would go back to him and this time speak from the heart. DAD I LOVE YOU! I know you are sad. BUT I still NEED YOU!
Give him some time to heal from losing all these important people. I just lost my husband 2 months ago. Believe me my own mortality is on my mind.
Give him a hug!
BLESSINGS!
D.

I don't think you were wrong, I just hope you weren't overly harsh. People get a little meaner as they get older so sometimes a good "reaming" is what they need to see how they are acting and how it is affecting other people. Just be sure to call him again soon, if not today, definitely tomorrow. And apologize - tell him you are sorry if you hurt him, and that you love him so much and the thought of him not being around is almost too much for you to bear so you get really emotional out of your love for him. I envy you. My own father passed away three years ago. I think about him all the time; I have conversations with him and my grandmother because I know they are together in heaven and I know they are watching out for me; I can feel their love!

I think your intentions were extremely good, but sounds like maybe you were a bit rough on him? Maybe you should call to apologize for "reaming" him, but say your feelings behind the reaming are still the same? Might be a good opening for him to talk a bit about what's bothering him - I'm assuming it's the loss of a very close friend, as you mentioned.

Gotta tell you - both my parents have been doing this type of thing to me and my siblings for YEARS. I know all about their wills, their safety boxes, where they want to be buried, etc. They are constantly urging us to tell them what possessions we want, which makes all three of us feel very uncomfortable. I think it's a very common thing for older folks, especially if they have several friends/family passing away or if their own parents died relatively young. Actually, it's probably good for him to prep you a little, however morbid it may seem. I've heard of too many situations where the parent dies unexpectedly and the kids have no idea where anything is or what the parent's final wishes might have been. Sometimes there isn't even a will, which results in a huge mess.

Cheryl,

The world needs more people that will tell their parents how it is!! I say this with nothing but good thoughts. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was in 9th grade. I remember how hard it was on all of us, especially her. When she told my younger sister, who was only 8, she just fell to the floor. I can still picture it like it was yesterday. My mom retreated to her room and stayed there for weeks, until her surgery. Then she stayed downstairs, but not happy or herself. She was telling herself she was as good as gone, a young mother of 5 kids.

We all told her it was enough. She had to stop feeling bad for herself or she was truly never going to get better. That was in 1999. Mom has been cancer free for 13 years now!!

Sometimes it takes all people of all ages a swift kick in the rear to get the right frame of mind to stay alive.

My grandfather lives in Winchester, VA and we don't get to see him too often. He is also not in the best health and he always tells my mom how bad it is when we go see him. She always tells him to knock it off, say some prayers, and move on. I respect her for it, and him for listening.

My relationship with MY parents is great. I tell them what's on my mind and when I think they are acting worse than my kids :).

Ya know, I reamed my father this year as well. I felt bad at the time but felt better for having done it. At least for me it was this, this, well he seemed to lose sight of the fact that I am still his child and as strange as it seems I still need to be his child!

This was during the whole I can't live by myself so I am marrying the W. who I met three weeks after mom died cause she is as crazy as I am period! He had told her he would help her move the day of my wedding so he couldn't give me away. After all he gave me away once. YOU WILL GIVE ME AWAY AS MANY TIMES AS NEEDED UNTIL I STOP COMING BACK!!! Okay there was other bits that didn't sound like a petulant child.

I guess my point is apparently there are times that our parents act like child so I suppose it is only proper that we assume the role of parent and chew them out.

So you were not wrong!

Cheryl, though you won't appreciate my answering your question, I'll say this anyway. My dad died 3 years ago. He didn't feel up to looking at life like you want your dad to. Your dad evidently doesn't either. When your dad is gone, you will look at reaming him out in a different way. And it won't be about YOU anymore. It will be about how you made HIM feel that will be on your mind.

You can't know how this feels, no matter how much you might think you do. Your dad is still alive. Try to gracefully accept that your dad will not be the person you want him to be for all his days. It's unrealistic at best, unfair at worst, and you don't get to choose how he sees life. Reaming him out does nothing but make him feel bad, no matter how "right" you feel it to be.

Dawn

My Dad needs a good kick to...I think it's ok to be firm...If you weren't rude there is no reason to apologize. If you do talk to him...You can reiterate how much you care and your intent is not to be rude...You are an adult now and the child-parent relationship has evolved. I am sorry this is happening. I think the attitudes of many families are down...

My adult-in-age-only brother yells at my father, me, his estranged wife, and even his kid. I've yelled too on occasion and ALWAYS regret it. I would love to find a way to express sorrow, anger, disappointment, fear without yelling. Maybe I'll start practicing that age-old advice to count to ten first or even try to write my feelings down. You should apologize when you are calmer. Best wishes to your dad.

Aww, I love your SWH :) See? He raised a great kid, and you know what, he would have done the same thing for you if YOU were the one who needed a kick in the pants!! It's all in love, and that's a beautiful thing :)

You know... my son tells me things I tell him all the time.

It's life altering. Because he's dead on.

It doesn't sound like you reamed your dad... it sounds like you reminded him of himself. Which we sometimes lose. It is a HUGE blessing to have someone in your life who knows who you are, when you've forgotten, and can remind you.

As for my own relationship(s)? 2 of my best and closest friends.

I just got to reading this. It's always hard to tell our own parents when they need to change. I am just so glad the outcome worked for the both of you, and I can see and feel the love you have for him, and vice versa.

Your SIL sounds like my father's wife ( third to be exact). He got into a terrible car accident on Valentine's Day..and in two weeks she had him working again , performing surgeries..He was in a lot of pain, but told me he had to work due to the full schedule he had, and couldn't take anymore time off. He's 64 with a heart condition, and owns his own practice. you think he could retire, right?! Nope. She's got him thinking he can work for another 5 freaking years! Seriously..The last time I spoke my mind to him, he didn't call me for 5 months..However, I had to do it.

My point is, that we love our parents, and sometimes they need to hear it, as well as our desire to get them to snap out of things. Regardless of whether they can accept it. Your father saw your pain, and your love. It gives me hope that maybe one day, mine will do the same.