What Should I Do? - Chandler,AZ

I think my son would not be buying candy for anyone, himself included. How old are these children? And does the mother of the other kid even want him eating all this candy? I'd be pretty unhappy if some other kid was spending money on my kid, first of all, and supplying him candy, second. I would absolutely call the mother, let her know what's happening, and stop this candy buying/exchanging totally. I wouldn't be so quick to blame the other boy. I'd teach my son that trying to buy affection and friendship is always a losing proposition.

I'd encourage you to let this be a learning opportunity for your son. You don't say how old your son is, but I have learned not to try to get in and referee my son's friendships.

How I handle something like this is just by being empathetic, reflective listening and offering other choices. "Mom, Johnny brought candy and didn't share any with me." me: "Wow, how did you feel about that?" son: "Not very good". me: "Yeah, I don't think I would feel good either. Did Johnny say why?"
Son: "He asked me what I brought him!" Me: "Oh, really? How's about that?"
...

This sort of exchange allows my son to be the one to come to his own conclusions about how he feels via verbalizing his emotions. I also ask "So what could you do/say next time" and give a little gentle guidance... and then I let it go.

Kids need to have emotional space to come to their own conclusions/observations about their friends. If we tell them "Johnny is a user and a loser" and get mad *for* our kids, it's confusing for them, plus they get their feelings validated but without doing the work of verbalizing/thinking about the situation on their own, it's less effective. If you want your son to dump this kid who is being mean (or incredibly juvenile/manipulative), you have to *not get mad for him* and let your son get upset himself, realize he's getting the losing end--when he's ready to realize it-- and then he can decide what to do.

My guess is that calling the mom won't do wonders. If you are truly worried, do tell your son "stop loaning this kid money"... and then back it up on your end, mom. When your son does loan this kid the money, don't bail your son out or make it up for him. Let him deal with the loss. It's a life lesson. You put your money in an unsafe place/into unsafe hands and you are likely to lose it. And be glad that he is learning about users and losers at an earlier age and has only lost a few dollars-- your son will get a good little immunization to that sort of behavior once he realizes that this 'friend' is not a friend. But he won't get the lesson if you try to fix all of this for him. Let him know that it's okay for him to say no to this kid, to speak up for himself, and use other opportunities to point out what healthy friendships look like, so he has something to compare his to. Otherwise, try to stay out of it if possible. Your son will eventually get bored with this guy, or sick of it, and when he decides to do something about it, those actions will be authentically his.

The only thing you should be doing is telling your son true friendships aren't about who gives who what, and about keeping score. If this kid is being mean to him by manipulating him, trying to make him give him things, etc. then tell your son to go find someone else to play with. Seriously, why would you encourage him to try to be friends with someone who is clearly taking advantage of him? That just makes your son look desperate and weak.
If your son continues to try and please this boy or "buy" his friendship with favors and treats I guess that's his choice but I would strongly discourage it. Teach him how to stand up for himself, say no and walk away when people are trying to use him!

Your son needs to work this out on his own, so it's your job to listen to him. I might ask him questions about why this "friend" is so important to him that he buys him things and lends him money.

Friends don't keep track on a scorecard like this. When you give a friend candy, or whatever, then you're not supposed to EXPECT a reciprocal gesture. Why? Because it's an unfair expectation, and you don't know what the other person's resources are especially when it's another child. Friendships are not always equal.

When it comes to money, if the intent is to lend, never lend to friends or family unless you can afford to do without it and would be perfectly fine never seeing that money again. You have to lend with a heart full of giving and realize that it might end up having to be a gift.

If you (or your son) can'd handle something like that, then don't give away candy and don't lend money.

This is not a friend. Your son should just ignore him. We cannot change someone else. We can change our reaction to that person. Seems like the logical thing would be to stay away from him and stop expecting anything good from him.

How old is your son? Why does he have money at school to loan? Why do kids have candy at school? I'd talk with the teacher about why this is going on at school? My grandkids are 9 and 12 and the 9 yo does not take money to school or share candy. It's against the rules. The 12 yo is now in middle school and does take small amounts of money to school so that she can buy something before or after school. Her friends have their own money. They don't loan money to each other. They do share candy but only because they are close friends.

This other boy is not your son's friend. Your son needs to stay away from him. I suggest you spend time with him, teaching him the meaning of friendship and how to recognize friends.

Sorry to be blunt but this sounds really silly to me. Just tell your son to find someone else to play with and stop trying to please this kid who obviously isn't a friend. I don't know what else there is to think about. My kids wouldn't want to be friends with a boy like that, why does yours want to be? That's the more important question.

I think you should tell your son, "Some people are better at sharing than others. Just know that when you give him candy, you might not get any back. It's okay, candy's not good for you anyway. And don't lend him money if he doesn't pay you back."

I really think this is a non-issue. Don't overprotect your son. And certainly don't call the boy's mom over something so trivial, unless you want to make an enemy.

This sounds like basic kid stuff. I would teach your kid what a true friend is. This stuff used to happen to my dd and I told her to stay away from the girl who was giving everyone bracelets but her. Then this girl told her she would have to pay $5 for the bracelet. This girl was a bully too who liked to tell my dd to pay her to play with her! It was almost funny, but my dd didn't know what to do. I told her to tell the girl that a real friend doesn't do stuff like that.

I told the teacher all of the stuff that was going on when we had a conference (I just brought it up during the regular parent-teacher conference) and the teacher confirmed that this other girl was a "mean girl" and my dd should stay away from her.

I requested that they be in separate classes the next year and things have been fine just getting away from the mean girl.

How old your son? Boys are usually not as petty as girls.

You don't need to do anything. Your son is talking with you and you can guide him. Don't call the other child's mom. Why? To tell her that her son excludes your son? No. They need to learn social skills. They won't learn them if you are doing it for him.

DO NOT tell your son if they should be friends, not your place. This is a decision HE will have to make. He does NOT need to be everyone's friend.

I might talk with the teacher and the principal about the money exchanging hands for candy. Does this school have a "store" for the kids to buy things - is this where they are getting their candy? If so...I am VERY surprised your district allows such a thing! I mean - really - chocolate milk was taken out of our school district because "chocolate isn't healthy" - no kidding. The revolt was nice to see!

When your son wants to talk with you about this again? Ask him this question - "why do you want to be friends with someone who does not take your feelings into consideration?" LET HIM mull it around. Remind him he does NOT need to be friends with everyone but do NOT tell him he can't be friends with him.

good luck!

This boy is not your son's friend. He treats him poorly, lies to him, takes things from him without ever giving anything in return, and is unfair to him with others around. He isn't going to change and it isn't going to get better.

Don't have your son make a big deal out of ending the friendship, just don't have him engage the other boy anymore. If he can sit with other kids at lunch, great. otherwise, if he wants to be in this group, just have him sit on the far side from where the other kid is and he shouldn't speak directly to the other boy unless the other boy specifically addresses him. So, don't engage him in conversation, but respond if spoken to.

How old are the kids? The whole situation sounds like it's just going to get worse. The other boy is mean.

I suspect this friend isn't really a friend.
Your son is pretty free with his money and snacks in an attempt to get this other boy to like him and it's not working.
The best advice for your son right now is 'neither a borrower nor a lender be'.
No more sharing of food/snacks, no more buying candy for the other guy(s) and no giving/lending his money away.
Get your son into an after school activity where he can meet other kids and make friends outside of school.

Seriously, what do I think?
I think kids should be responsible for bringing/buying stuff for themselves.
Where us this? School? Daycare?
Sounds like a LOT of junk food going on! Too much maybe.
Sharing is O. thing but expectations of buying for another kid? You can't control that.
If you talked to the mom, I can't imagine that conversation NOT sounding a little, well, petty.
Your son sounds like a gentle, generous kid, and that's what really matters right?

Don't send your son with extra money. He may be bullied into sharing with this kid.

No need for parents to get involved in this. Kids need to work this type of stuff out on their own. Sometimes "working it out" means realizing who is and is not a good friend, and acting accordingly. Sounds like this kid isn't a good friend. Your son will come across many like him throughout his life, so it is a good skill to be able to discern who is, and is not, worth his time and emotions.

I'd teach my kid to be polite and respectful to kids who are not good friends to them, but not to go out of their way to do things for them. And certainly, to not stress out about it.

Your son will learn very soon who he should and shouldn't lend money to if you let him experience not getting paid back a few times. Don't interfere. They can work it out themselves.

You need to go talk to the teacher. Talk about this "no tattling rule". You also need to tell your son not to buy ANYTHING for this kid again. And NO loaning him money.

Allowing your son to continue to try to "buy" this kid's favor just teaches your child to be a victim. The teacher needs to understand what is happening here.

When one of my sons was in 2nd grade, there was a problem with a kid in his class doing what was called "kancho" to other kids, including mine. I won't explain this, as we weren't in the US at the time, but it was something that kids at the local schools did that was not allowed at our school. This teacher had the same kind of "no tattling" rule you're talking about, and my son didn't feel that the teacher listened when he tried to talk to him. I made an appointment to come in to talk to the teacher, and brought my son in and told the teacher that we both needed to discuss a problem that was making my son miserable.

The teacher HAD to listen because I was sitting right there. My son felt empowered to really talk about it. The teacher all of a sudden understood what was happening, apologized profusely - he had been working with these two boys who were doing this to try to get them to understand that it would NOT be tolerated. He also apologized to me for not listening to my child.

I'd appeal to this teacher to really deal with this issue, even if there is a no candy rule in the classroom from now on. Tell her that you will need to go to the principal if it continues. And then don't stop until it's handled.

You need to talk to your son about friends and the different types you have. You need to help him understand it is ok to say no. Practice with him. You need to tell the teacher that kids are taking each other's money and what for. Usually its frowned upon. Even if its given freely. Get him into a karate class.

Try and find out from your son why he is trying so hard to buy this friendship. Maybe he doesn't realize he is doing it. Tell him a story about someone else doing the same thing and see if he can put two and two together. It would be good if he could decide on his own to end the friendship.

I would tell your son that he has been the better person and that in the future don't give to someone with the idea that you will get in return. Give because it is a good thing to do. The other fella doesn't know how to be kind and really is more sad than anything else.

What I would ask your son is what does he get out of this relationship??? I see nothing good from this "friendship". This boy is using your son and treating him badly. I would encourage your son to ignore this boy and stop playing with him and giving him things. He isn't a true friend.

dont bother to talk to the school, go to the mooches parents and demand that they repay you anything your child has been conned out of by this leech in short pants.make out a list, with prices listed, of everything this leech has conned your child out of, then demand MONEY UP FRONT
.then tell the school that they WILL be held accountable if the LEECH ever approaches your child again, just the cost of being publicly embarrassed will "encourage" his parents to stop this behavior before everyone in your childs entire school starts approaching him for "freebies", they want charity, tell them to go to goodwill
K. h.