Around the time my daughter turned 3, she started to act out and show a very difficult personality. She challenged us on everything and just became a very hard child to deal with. She is 8 years old now and is definitely my most difficult personality. She is the 2nd of 5 children. She has a very big heart, but can fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I never know what is going to set her off. At other times, she can be very agreeable and very helpful especially with her younger siblings. But in the blink of an eye, she can be screaming and yelling at me. When she started preschool, she gave me a hard time. She never wanted to go and her teacher said that the second I would leave, she was fine and very social. She continued to do this until 2nd grade. EVERY day she would fight me on going to school and every day I would take her and tell her it wasn't an option. I was always very positive about it and I always encouraged her that I knew she could do it and would be fine. These days she fights me to do her homework, chores, etc., unless she's in the mood. Has anyone ever dealt with this kind of behavior before? We have chore charts, praise for good behavior, etc. And it all seems to work with my other children. Does she have anxiety? Or some other condition going on in her brain that I could help her with? I desperately want to enjoy her more and I see the potential for an amazing relationship with her, but we can't seem to get past the battles. Any input would be greatly appreciated!
I have a strong willed child and I have several books to recommend. The New Strong-Willed Child and Parenting Isn't For Cowards, both by James Dobson. His books are offer practicle solutions that work.
T. C.
Spa Girlfriend Parties
www.spaescapescottsdale.com
C.,
Is what it sounds like is the same thing we went through with my son. He is now 14 almost 15 and we have had him diagnosed at Phoenix childrens hospital as ODD. It is one of the many disorders that are in the Bi-polar family. If you email me at ____@____.com, maybe we can get to know each other and set up a time we can get together and discuss other things. Maybe my son would be willing to talk to her and explain that he knows how she feels and maybe that might help her a little bit. Let me know what you would like me to help you with.
Thanks,
L.
Hi C.,
My sone recently started having some of these same issues and we are starting family counseling with me, him and his dad. But they are also going to do counseling individually with just my son.
Counseling really helps because sometimes we as parents cant see what's going on because we are in the situation and sometimes we just simply dont know what's going on. So we need a neutral, professionally trained third party to assist us which I feel is perfectly normal. I mean its not like we received at manual for raising children at birth you know:):)
Children, as well as adults can be very affected by not only their environments, but the foods they eat. Proper nutrition for the brain is so important for emotional stability! What is her diet like? Avoiding foods that trigger anxiety as well as increasing nutrients that promote healthy brain chemistry is so important and should begin at a young age.
As a doctor of naturopathic medicine, I help families learn about proper nutrition, nutrients and environmental influences that create balanced, healthy lives.
Sincerely,
L., Naturopathic Doctor
www.lifesculpting.biz
First of all, she's the 2nd of 5 children and she's three years old. That means that there are three other children who are younger than her that require a lot more of your attention than a newly independent three year old would. She may be feeling a little neglected as she is not the baby any more and is trying to get more attention from you. It might be worth a try to find some special time for the two of you. (And yourself, sounds like you could probably use it!)
my son's situation sounds similar. i feel for you and for our kids. i have no advice. we've been seeing a councelor which has been helping yet he's so angry. not all the time, most of the time he's so sweet. i can't tell what will set him off, it can be something really simple like getting hit with a nerf dart- he becomes out of control and aggressive. it breaks my heart. please contact me if you have any breakthroughs.
Hi C.! This sounds so much like my daughter- and the issues started around the time she was 3 also. I'm wondering if your daughter is highly intelligent? Once my daughter started school, we learned that she is very advanced academically and I really believe this contributes to her behavior. She knows a lot for her age and wants to understand and know about everything. Sometimes, the fights are simply because she thinks she knows more than I do. She and I battle pretty much non stop and I find myself questioning myself daily. I know how frustrating this is! She is in 5th grade now and we have good times and bad times. I have found that she needs (and wants) individual time-which is really tough with 3 children and a business but I find that her behavior and attitude improves greatly when we can manage to do things alone with her. I would caution against seeking medical advice that includes any kind of medication - unless of course her behavior is erratic or dangerous. It sounds to me like she is jut strong willed and spited which will be to her benefit in the long run! She may like being involved in projects where she can assert herself and "show her stuff" so to speak. My daughter is currently working to start a recycling program at her school which has been a really great thing to watch because it's gotten her speaking to older kids at school, meeting new teachers and even making phone calls to the city to research recycling facilities. it's given her something of her own to work to accomplish. And above all....trust your mommy gut! You know what's best for her!
It seems like each larger family has one child that takes more time than the other children put together. I struggled with one of my sons the same way you are describing. He hung on to me before school, screamed, and could be very helpful. Now, I would think that each case can be different, but in my case, he needed to know that he was loved even when he was bad, which you seem to be showing her. And he needed to know that he was in charge of his life. If he wanted help with chores or homework, he could ask, but if I was treated badly (not with respect), he was not allowed to use me as a resource. He had to use the tutoring at school and arrange his own way to get there. If he didn't get his chores done, the consequences were meted out without rancor but with finality. No rules could be bent for him. He had actually blamed me for him not getting the grades he wanted or doing the things he wanted to. But then he had no one else to blame and actually became responsible. It made him feel like he was in charge. Also, when he became beligerent as a teenager, we did something very unusual. You see, he has an incredible sense of right and wrong. As long as we dictated curfews, rules, etc., he broke them, but when we asked him to make his own rules (which were basically the same), he never broke them. This would only work with someone who has a true desire to do what is right. He is now an incredible Dad with three children and loves every minute of it. We often look back at the changes that were made that allowed us to become friends.
I had a best friend with this problem and it took several years and doctors (and an incident with a knife) to find out he had an allergy to artifical food coloring. If you read labels you would be amazed how much food has coloring. Even a simple thing as Koolaid could send him into real scary fits of anger. Once thyey took him off all food with coloring withinm a couple weeks he was as good a child as her other 3!!! Good luck
I have a strong-willed daughter as well. She is now in college but while she was growing up, she was the source of so much frustration! Oh my! The best thing I ever heard is that there is nothing wrong with her. She just wants to rule the house. It's just her personality. Your job is to discipline her without sqwashing her spirit. When she was young, people told me that I would get to see the benefit someday of her strong will. Well, we do now. It is awesome! How did we get through? Lots of boundaries, consequences for every willfully wrong behavior, and lots of praise (sometimes it was hard to catch her being good, but we worked at it) AND 3 books that I read in succession over and over again until I felt strong enough to be the mom I needed to be. Look for James Dobson's books, "The Strong-Willed Child," "Parenting Isn't for Cowards," and "Dare to Discipline." They were my encouragement for the tough times. Dobson is a child psychologist that is so positive and gives lots of practical advice. They might even be on CD if you are as busy as it sounds. Enjoy her as she grows!
Hi C.. My middle child was/is a very headstrong boy who didn't want anyone telling him what to do. What worked for him was to offer him chances to be in control For instance rather than me telling him it was time for bed and fighting about it, I told him "You can go to bed whenever you want. Lights out at 10pm." 10pm was bedtime in our house so he was in bed when I wanted him to be but he felt like he was in control of when he went to bed. With things that can't be negotiated like school, I empathize with them (all kids want out!!) which works pretty well. I tell them I understand because I got tired of school too but it's a law and I can't change that. I also let them know that I do things all day long that I don't want to do--going to work, cooking dinner etc...but it comes down to everything being either a "have to" or "want to" it's never both at the same time. I've repeated it long enough that my son has really come around. He's a senior in HS and we just emphathize with each other about him not wanting to go to school and me not wanting to go to work.
Anyway,I think you'll really notice a difference if you and your hubby get together and proactivly come up with terminology that offers her choices but gets what you want.
One last thing, with dicipline, I always spoke in terms of consequences being something out there that occur with every action good or bad. I was just the person who had to follow through with the consequence--actions actually impose them. This really helped with them having to direct their anger at what they did, not at me. I would tell them, they were mad at the wrong person if they were mad at me, I didn't throw the ball etc...
Good luck! Mine are getting older which feels sad!
My son has similar issues. I have noticed that he can be very protective of his time with me and my husband, if my son hasn't gotten enough time with us he gets easily frustrated about "sharing us" with his siblings. I also know that this frustration and anxiety is greatly affected by the foods he eats, red dye and preservatives, are the biggest problems. Try eliminating this out of her diet and see what happens. It takes a couple of weeks for everything to get out. Read labels because the preservative BHT is found in ALOT of foods especially cereals.
Good Luck
C.
Well, your daughter is expressing herself and that is a good thing. She is showing you 'Middle Child' behavior and at the age of 8 they show more signs of independance, but they really are not ready for it, so she is pushing you. What she really wants is attentions. Negative is better that nothing....so she is squeeking. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Find out what is hers and start filling her cup positively.
Also watch her diet. The more sugar, caffine and food coloring she has, the less she can control her behavior. Make sure she gets good exercize.
Does she get one on one time with you? Do you take time and have 'Pillow Talk' where you go in and sit at her bedside where no one else is and listen to her?
It is hard....and worth it. Just when you figure them out then hormones will hit and you will start all over!!!!! haha1!
Hang in there,
T., Mother of 4
www.tesabartell.myarbonne.com
C.,
Lots of parents struggle with "difficult" behaviors, but one thing that struck me was your perception that you never know what will set her off. This doesn't sound normal or appropriate for any child. You don't say what she does when she flies off the handle (screaming and yelling but what does she say?), but since you have other children I would assume it is more than just complaining, which is normal. It does sound like she has some impulsive behavior that needs to be addressed. I would suggest talking to your pediatrician and asking for a referral to a psychologist who specializes in child development. It sounds like you have everything under control for now, but I would be concerned about how this type of behavior will affect her as a young woman or a teenager. Also, it sounds like she is acting out towards you, but not other adults in her life, so that would be something else that needs to be addressed. If she is picking you as a target, then you need to stop that cycle before it really damages your relationship with her (like in her teens). Make sure to get input from other people in her life, teachers, church staff, anyone who sees her outside of the family to give input on how she behaves when she is not with the family. She may have some issues that she is dealing with, but it sounds like she does have some control over herself since she is not having meltdowns at school. I would hope that talking to the psychologist would give you some insight into her behavior and give you some recommendations about what do to for her (and you) and this point. Best of luck to you!
J.
I am sorry to hear that. I have dealt with the same problems. I have 5 kids as well. Two boys that are going to be 10 in two weeks and three daughters that are 8, 7, and 5. Two of my kids were diagnosed with ADHD. Ever since they were put on medication I have noticed a big improvment with them. I thought it was anxiety or just an age thing but looking back now I realized it was more then that.
Does she have friends that you do play dates with? Does she talk about friends at school? My 8 year old daughter use to be really moody and I cracked down on her and did not give in to her attitude at all. She does not have ADHD, she just thought that she could act any way that she wanted to and I just don't put up with that. After a year of coming down hard on her she has changed for the best. There is hope, it just takes a lot out of you. Don't give up and have faith.
I live in Maricopa and if ever you need break and want to set up a play date that might help. Just throwing an option out there. Good Luck!
R.
In my experience working with behavior problem children as a behavior management specialist, what I found to be true was children will do anything for attention, whether that attention be positive or negative. Giving attention to behaviors you like and no or minimal attention for behaviors you don't will make it so you get more of the behaviors you like. Plus never get into power struggles, they are counter productive. For instance with the chores. If you ask your daughter to do a chore and she refuses and starts yelling and screaming, then walk away, don't stay and engage her in a battle leave the house if you have to but don't talk to her while she is yelling. Once she has calmed down, let her know you love her but her actions have caused her to receive certain consequences (for every action there is a consequence good or bad)such as an extra chore, or whatever you have decided fits the behavior. Tell her its not your choice, it was hers for her bahavior. Always make consequences a part of the choices she has made not you. Be creative with your consequences, you and your husband can come up with a list of consequences that go with certain behaviors so when the time comes you are prepared. Also, as a previous Mom wrote empathizing with your child can also go a long way when they complain about not wanting or liking to do things.
Maybe this advice is too simple, but it could just be your daughter's personality and not a medical condition. Of course, I'm not a doctor, just a mom, but my 2 girls ages 3 1/2 and 16 mo. have totally different personalities, my oldest is very "high-strung" and tempermental. I read a book about different personality types that you might find helpful, it's called "Positive Personality Profiles" by Dr Robert Rohm and it has a lot of insight into what makes us tick and how different personalities act and react. You can check out his website for more info http://www.personality-insights.com/
Having positive rewards is good way to reinforce good choices and behavior. Make sure they are short term.....a few stickers = favorite activity, etc. We have had the same situation...used positive rewards and we started using "time out". I gave my daughter one warning to make a good choice and then into time out she went. This is a way to show that you will not accept inapprpriate behaviour. It took time because our daughter is very persistent, but it did work eventually. You have to be consistent!
I noticed very similar behavior patterns in both of my daughters starting around age 6 and continuing until around 10 years old. I teach school, and I notice that most of the girls go through similar erratic behavior around this age. In my family, I found that starting the afternoon off right helped a lot. Kids are hungry and tired when they first get home from school, and they also need to unload. I had a healthy snack ready for them and me...we would all sit down together for 15 minutes for a snack and a talk about the day. We then discussed upcoming chores, homework, and our evening schedule. I would also include privileges that were possibilities. Then I let my girls choose when to do chores, homework, etc. The consequenses for not completing them were also clear, but when I gave them more freedom and less nagging I found that they were more likely to step up and get it done. It also helps to lay out the expectations clearly each day.
You know C., I was the middle child to and always thought my older sister got away with everything and my younger sister could do not wrong and well the baby brother was spoil. I was not easy to live with and hated school.Its funny cause I had no idea what I wanted to do when I got older. I do know over the years the red and purple food,artificial food color would affect me and my son, made us sick and very moody. I also found that caffiene would not make me move faster but would give me a attitude of hassle anyone was fun to do. To this day my sister will ask me if I had been drinking some.
I dont know if this will help but maybe you figure out if she gets effected by this. Now that your daughter is a little older you should sit down with her and tell her you want to find out whats going and maybe spend more time with her. she may feel left out. hug her and include her in even if she hard to deal with. It took me sometime but now I love being with my family and my son stays away from things that makes in a bad mood.
Sounds like my 9-year old. I'm a SAHM w/ 6 kids, and I found a way to get into her brain. I would love to email you the article I read (I don't believe I did it justice the last time I shared the idea). It worked wonders for my intelligent and stubborn little one, and our relationship has changed drastically in the last year. Let me know if you are interested. ____@____.com
M. (mom of 3 boys, 3 girls)
I would take your daughter to a councilor. It may be she is very strong willed or it could be some disorder. My nephew was like that one minute it was happy loving boy next he was hitting people screaming at the top of his lungs nothing you could do would stop it. rewards were a joke & time out/spankings just made him angrier. My sister final took him to a physiatrist who ran many test & came to the conclusion he was by polar (we have a family history). With the meds he is a normal kid. Still acts out when he is in the mood but it is normal acting out. Life for my sister has been so much easier as well as her daughter is now able to enjoy her little brother something she could not do in the past. He also throughs huge fits about being left with new people or old. He has been going to the same daycare for 2 yrs but throughs a huge fit when going. after he is there he is fine it is getting him there that is the problem
This sounds like me as a child!!! It sounds like she has food allergies. Many doctors will tell you to make a chart of what she ate then her behavior, this is effective for spotting some food allergies but not all. Sometimes it takes many hours for a behavioral allergic reaction to show up and it can be difficult to correlate it to a specific food.
If you are in a large city, you may wish to have her tested. www.celiac.com has a listing of doctors. Celiac disease and food allergies are very closely related disorders.
If you suspect this is true, I would eliminate all food colorings in her diet immediately, then take her off of gluten (no wheat), peanuts, milk and high fructose corn syrup one at a time and slowly so her body adjusts. It may seem like there is nothing left for her to eat but there is plenty of vegetables, fruit, meat and rice. I am on this diet and if my mother had put me on this when I was 8 years old, she would not have had the temper tantrums, broken furniture/glassware, and overall heartache I gave her for 30 years. I would have done much better in school. Thank goodness I've reformed before she died. If you are near Tucson, AZ I have the name of a good doctor. I also go to a homeopath now and it has helped quite a bit too.
I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic Parenting classes. I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area. You can also get Love and Logic materials at the library or at www.loveandlogic.com
The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. It sounds like you have a strong-willed child so I know it will take more effort, but hopefully you can get her channeled in a positive direction. A life coach might be a wonderful option for her or a parent coach for you who can help you know how to deal with this sweet, yet difficult, child of yours.
Hello C.,
It sounds like you have tried many things and are doing a great job with your daughter. At this point I would definatley seek a doctor's advice (or maybe even more than one for second opinions). I am a teacher and a mother and have seen so many things that affect kids that are out of their control, but with a doctor's help can seem controllable. Like bipolar disorders, add and adhd, terets, etc. If this is the case, it is not something that your daughter can always control and can be very upsetting for her. Getting a proper diagnosis in those cases can really help a child to live a happy life in and out of school. Care may include diet and/or drugs and/or behavior plans. Good luck! You seem like a very caring mother.
Hi C.,
This could be more complicated than you think and it would take several questions for me to be able to provide a possible solution. Please call my office at ###-###-####.
Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven
Healthy Habits Wellness Center, LLC
Hi C., I don't have the answer for you but I have recently been reading about the "strong willed child." Sounds like this may be your precious little one. Just a thought. I don't know if you are a Christian, but James Dobson has "Parenting is not for Cowards" I just started it but it focuses on this population of strong willed children. Good luck.
Hi C.,
I also have an almost 8 yr old daughter that sounds just like yours! She's always been pretty strong-willed, but can also be the most thoughtful girl. We get really frustrated and have tried positive reinforcement, but have now been taking away privileges and afterschool playdates until she can "earn" them by behaving and respecting us. Some days she's wonderful and other days she's a mess.
I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And, I would love to hear any good advice that you receive from your email.
We want her to be a strong women and leader some day, but we just need to "hone" in on that energy!
Best Wishes,
D.
P.S. We also have a 4 month old boy.
I know how hard it is dealing with a difficult child. I myself have had one who is now 16 years old. I wish I knew then what I know now.... Try talking to the school counselor who might be able to counsel and see if they might have any input. Have there been any traumatic experiences for her? My daughter changed after her father left when she was five years old which I feel had a profound affect on her. Try also talking with your daughters doctor and see if they can shed any light on where to go or what they think might be going on. I know there are some children that just have the personality of being difficult but if there is something more you will want to find out and start dealing with it now so that you can enjoy her more. I don't know if I have helped but just know that you are not alone.
