What to Do About Toddler's Aggressive Friend?

I assume you have seen everything. Don't judge if you don't see the behavior. Now if it is as reported, you must cut out the play dates as least for a while.
I had two very active boys, but what you talk about just isn't the norm....
B. v. O.

i went thru that w/ my friend's son ..then my son started doing it to others SO...i got him some books like "Hands are not for Hitting" and "Mouths are not for Biting" also "I Can Share" and now he says all the times.."no hitting and no biting" and he's been playing well w/ other kids..so maybe get her the books or suggest that she gets them.

Jae,

I had an issue recently wiht how a friend actually disciplined her little, and got some great advice.

If she is a really GOOD friend, you should be able to make some time and talk to her tactful open way. You're not going to parent the same way and agree on everything. It's tough when your closest friends don't see eye to eye with you on things, especially discipline.

At any rate, I talked to my friend and told her that I loved spending time with her family and wanted our kids to be life long friends like us. But, that being around her when she disciplined her daughter was too tough...she was shocked, but understood and thanked me for being a good friend and talking to her about it. (I had been avoiding hanging out for three weeks). Now, we're taking a Mommy class together about toddlers!

I think if you have any concerns, and she's truly a good friend you should speak your mind. Esepcially if it's affecting the fun at playtime.

Good Luck!

Hi Jae,

I have been through the same thing with more than one child. One situation has gotten to the point the boys are only allowed to play together at my home where I have the home field advantage if you will... my house my rules. When the other boy acts out, trying to hit or says bad things, I step in and all is fine. My friend simply doesn't do enough. We've discussed it. She's at her wits end. I've offered suggestions (at her request), but biggest thing is she doesn't follow through and gives up. Now we just don't go to their home much. It's actually worked out well, and we're able to enjoy each other without the stress of worrying if my son will be hurt. While I normally don't like to step in and discipline other people's children when they are present, I feel I am obligated to when my son's safety is at risk.

But I have another friend who's son bites, hits and pulls hair. The parents do not discipline and have no interest whatsoever in disciplining them. One time when he pulled my son's hair, the dad even said "well, it's not like he has any hair to pull so no big deal." My son's hair is kept short. I was appalled. My son doesn't want to be around them at all and I completely agree. My son's safety is first and foremost. We get together as adults only.

I also cringed though when you blamed the boy's behavior on things like hockey, wrestling and Kung Fu Panda. My son is 3, loves hockey, watches hockey all the time and plays hockey and dreams of growing up to play professional hockey. He has also watched Kung Fu Panda. Boys are boys and generally like to play rougher than girls. My son roughhouses with his dad and other adults (and even with other boys in play mode) but absolutely does NOT ever get aggressive or hit other kids. He has clearly defined rules and boundaries to stay within. I loved the book "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson. It helped me define what was acceptable boy behavior to me and set the limits accordingly, allowing my son to be the boy he is but keeping my sanity intact and keeping everyone safe.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I think every situation is different. Some kids are prone to that sort of behavior and others stem from lack of parental discipline. Your son's safety should be first and foremost. Hopefully you can come up with a compromise to keep the friendship intact. Good luck! Take care, S.

Honestly, they are toddlers, this is typical of behaviour for their age. I wouldn't judge your friends discipline style, what it good for one family isn't nesc good for another. I would just keep a close eye on the boys when they are in your home.

You may really like the mom, but your son is more important than anyone. Level with the mom - she may not know how bad it is. Then take a break from them to see if it gets any better. If not, you just may have to sever the friendship for a while because your son will definitely learn bad habits. It's not worth it. There will be other moms in your life. I've had the same problems too, and I have daughters, but this is in grade school. There was one mom I really liked, but her daughter was mean, rude, etc. I just had to let them go so my daughter wouldn't have to go through that.

I am stunned at some of the very harsh responses. This behavior is age related and you mentioned that the mother does discipline for the offense, albeit not as harshly as you would prefer. Although I do wonder what you think is an appropriate punishment for this offense. Surely, not spanking, as that would certainly confuse the child to be punished by the very method that got him in trouble. My first child never went through this as she was very articulate at 2. My second daughter did. It was horrible and embarrassing and made me want to limit play dates and social activities. Thankfully, my best friend was a child development major and understood what I was going through, saw me discipline age appropriately and stuck it out with me. Even for her this was difficult as it was her daughter being physically hurt by my daughter. There were days when I just wanted to stay home and not deal with the guilt of this. But like everything else, this was a phase and with consistent age appropriate discipline this phase soon ended. I am so grateful to my friend for sticking by me. My daughter is now one of the most loving and non-aggressive kids we know and our daughters are the best of friends. Definitely talk to your friend and be honest. Try to be patient. And remember not to judge too harshly as one of your children could be the next to enter a 'not so pleasant phase'.

i wouldnt be anything but blunt and honest. explain to her that your not happy with the way her son beats on your son. let her know that your not trying to tell her how to raise her son but maybe she should try another way to disapline him because it doesnt seem to be effective. tell her that if his behaivor doesnt change then you may have to limit their play dates to keep your son from getting hurt. she may get mad but what can you do you have to protect your son. i mean really what would she do if it was her son getting hit and bit by your son. boys will be boys but not like that. good luck!

I would put an end to the playdates for awhile. Talk to your friend and explain the effect that the physical aggression has on your child and you. Explain to her that even though he is your child's friend that aggression will not be tolerated. Offer to do 1:1 things with her without the kids, if possible. Let her know that you value her friendship and would be willing to resume the playdates when the aggression is stopped.

It is time to stand up for your son. He should not have to spend time with someone who is abusive toward him.

If you have to find a new friend or better yet, friends, then that is the way it needs to be.

Please help your son!

Not to defend anyone or take sides, but...I have two girls. One 25 and one 3 years old, both only children. The 25 year old would never hurt anyone. She always says she stays out of trouble, while the little one kicks me, bites me, head butts me and does every thing you mention. They both went to preschool and both predominantly raised by my same rules. I do not allow it and am very consistent with my discipline. They get about 1.5 warnings on a good day and then they are in the corner or a TV goes off or something happens as discipline. Kids are just different, no two are the same.

Further, we do not watch any violence (not even Scooby Doo) and she is grouped by age in school. Both of them went to the same school, however obviously with different crowds and different teachers, but there is no violence allowed at Litl Scholar, not even rough housing and there are no TV's there to watch bad programs.

I don't know where the behavior comes from, but it is there.

But I hear ya...I would want to know mom is doing something about it too. I normally just don't allow others to do anything harmful to my kids. I will move them out of the way if I notice a tantrum. You appear like a "over protective Mom", but it gives the other Mom a hint that you don't care for the behavior. Just tell your child to play by you for the moment until his attitude changes. It is tough no matter what you do.

I think your house rules should be unbreakable house rules, and they apply to EVERYone who comes in your home. Tell the child and parents what the rules are when they come over to play- even very young children understand a LOT! So if hitting is occurring and it's something you don't allow in your home, you can place the child in time out yourself. You are teaching the children that for every action they take, there is a result - and if they choose a 'bad' action, they probably won't be happy with the result.

You can tell the boy's mother in advance what will happen if her child is violent, before any naughty behavior occurs. Let her know that in 2009 you are making changes in your family's life-- that you are trying very very hard to teach your boy right from wrong, and it means that the house rules have to apply to everyone. And also tell her you love her and hope she will continue to have playdates at your home, because you value her friendship and presence in your life! Please update us on what happens for you! Best of luck!

well said...re-write your posting, and address it to your friend...be honest with her. you love her as your friend, and as uncomfortable as it may be to confront her, your son's comfort level is more important.

That's a tough situation because most likely your friend's disciplining style is not going to change and any suggestions from you that he discipling style is not working or that her son is becoming a little brute will not go over well. Maybe the two of you could enrolled your sons in some kind of structured activity (tumbling, Gymboree, My Gym) for your playdates. This will keep the two boys engaged and activity and hopefully you and your friend will have some time to talk.

Jae,
At this age most times this a phase that will pass. Toddlers act out like this out of frustration because they can't communicate their problem. But this is what I would do. In the old days it was handled much differently by inflicting the same type of pain on the child, because at that age they don't realize if it doesn't hurt them, they don't know it doesn't hurt. But If this happened in MY Home, I would explain this to the mother as well, and this might test how true a friend she is, but. In My Home we do not act this way and if you want to come over to My home then we don't bite,and kick each other. The Mom can either back you up or not come over. Most likely she will appreciate the help with the discipline. Since her way doesn't seem to be working.

Hi Jae,
I totally had this same problem almost a year ago! But it was with my daughter and her friend. Totally love the mom and her girl but her girl was a brute and the mom just wasn't consistent. It got a little out of control because I am an extremest and I ended up disciplining her kid for her! But I realized that the situation was too stressful for all of us and just said that it was too much and if her daughter was going to be that physically aggressive that the girls couldn't hang out any longer. She understood and agreed and had a very serious talk with her little one. Our girls are now 4 1/2 and after that talk we have not had an issue since. It was much better to just talk to my friend and let her know how I was feeling.

So here's my two cents...

It's not uncommon for kids at this age to be more on the aggressive side, expecially boys. I've worked in preschools for 13 years and have seen it all.
The main reason 2 year olds, hit, bite, etc. is due to the inability to say what they want. A lot of kids at this age do not have the verbal competency to say "Stop it" or "I want to play with the firetruck now, please." Talk very clearly and directly about ways to play nicely, tell them what words to say. "Remember, we drive the trucks on the floor" or "Hands are for coloring, not hitting" or "Tell Billy that gives you an owie." Talking about anything and everything will help them learn to use all the words they have inside.
Chances are your friend is having a hard time too. It's not easy being the parent of a kid others perceive as bad. Every mom wants her kids to be perfect. Just don't come of as critical and a know-it-all. Every kid, parenting style and situation is different and it's easy to point out what you think is wrong. Bring it up casually, say a conversation about an article read in a magazine or something like that. you can be honest without being hurtful.
Sharing is also a very hard concept for two's to grasp. If they had a ball two days ago, they still think it is theirs. This gets better over time.
At this age kids could be getting their two year molars as well. This causes them to be cranky and have the urge to bite. Ask your friend about that.
Identify the triggers for when her son gets this way. Is it playing with certain toys, your house vs. theirs, time of day? If you notice he is more likely to hit when playing with cars, avoid that activity. Maybe meet at a neutral place like the park.
For two's time out generally doesn't accomplish much for many children. Redirection can eliminate a lot of problems. If you can sense that a situation is about to happen, transition to another activity. Speaking of transitions, give a little warning before changing gears or leaving. Kids this age are stubborn and want what they want when they want it. If two's know the limits, it is easier on them and hopefully they won't get so mad and tantrum-like. Consitency is key but for some it is easier said than done.

An honest and real friendship will remain true only when it is authentic. You must tell your friend the truth about her son and how it is affecting you. To not tell her is not fair to either of you. It definitely is not good for your son to have to put up with that behavior, you are only encouraging him to become aggressive himself, and it doesn't sound like you would like that.
Good luck.

Hi Jae,
I read most of the other posts. I like the idea of printing out the letter you wrote and giving it to your friend. But, I know that personally, I would not probably be able to ever do that. It is difficult to be that honest and blunt and I would be so concerned about offending or hurting my friends feelings. So, with that said, though, I read many great ideas that others suggested.

First of all, I am a mother of four children. My oldest was the toddler that was pretty aggressive...my third was the one that always seemed to be picked on...it all has to do with personalities. Anyway, I would encourage you to set rules about playing with this particular friend. I would suggest at the beginning of all play dates, tell the boys that if there is any hitting, biting, fighting (violence) that once that happens, the visitor will need to go home. The hardest part of this will be that you and your friend will have to cut your play time together short too. For this to be successful, you will need to follow through every time! Be strict and both boys will learn quickly that neither one is allowed to behave inappropriately. I would not use timeouts at all...it does not seem to be working.

Another suggestion I would make is for a while, keep the play dates short and well supervised and intervene if you see what might be setting your friends son off. Is he getting frustrated because his language is not there yet? and is that why he is showing these behaviors? Encourage him to use his words rather than his hands, mouth, etc. Be sure that you and your friend are attentive to the boys...maybe you will need to keep your own visiting for on the phone until the boys can play safely together on their own. But, be sure to keep the dates short so that the boys are successful and noone needs to be sent home.

Best of luck!
T.

Hi Jae, My advice to you is your son's safty needs to come before friendship. I know you said you value this friendship, but I feel if your friend valued this frienship as you do, this aggressiveness would not have been goin on for a while month. Time out is a joke, I don't care what any one says about that, I have been a mom for 25 years, never used time out, and had and always have had very well behaved kids, who are now grown. I lost a very best friend many many years ago, because I just couldn't have her daughter in my home any more, it was jut a sacrafice I had to make, it sounds like that is where you are at right now. I can't imangine letting a 2 year old watch wrestling, Kufu Panda, I hjave not seen, but some of my daycare parents have taken their 2 and 3 year olds to go se it and said it was good. I hope this helps. I know it is hard, to teach a child of 2 don't let know one hurt you or hit you, and teach them to defends themselves, but you need to unsersatnd he is going to go to school one day, and if he is used to have/letting someone bully him at 2, then in school he will do the same, What we told our kids was never to start a fight with words or with physicalness, but at the same time don't ever just stand there and let someone hurt you or one of you friends. J. L.

First, I would just try and speak to her about it in an open, honest, amicable way... without "criticizing" her per say... but address the BEHAVIOR... in a kind of 'neutral' way if possible.

If she is a friend...then you two can probably talk about it... perhaps she even feels what you feel...but then she doesn't not know how to control her boy.

Also yes, kids often copy their older siblings, for better or for worse. That is why when there are younger siblings in a house-hold...it is important that the older ones don't view their age-bracket shows/entertainment in front of the younger children. Toddlers, do NOT have the cognitive development to differentiate between "real" and "fiction." Thus, they copy. They don't even know social rules yet, AND they don't even have FULL impulse control yet... thus, a toddler cannot be expected to fully control themselves at-will. These aspects are STILL developing in a toddler.
My daughter's Preschool Teacher and her Kindergarten teacher echoed these same things... to parents. They have seen much-too-young children, already watching "teen" shows... and it negatively affects a Toddlers developing frame of reference. And its hard to then take them down a notch, once young children/toddlers get desensitized to these types of shows...

I would really have a conversation with your friend about it... and then as a "team" try to trouble-shoot it TOGETHER. Use the word "we" instead of "you" when talking to her about it... so she gets less defensive about it etc.

I would feel the same as you.... in fact, I once baby-sat a 2 year old in my home and my daughter was 2 as well... well this girl used to hit/scratch/push my girl and she was very physically "mean." So well, I stopped baby-sitting that child... it was causing GREAT stress in my own daughter, and I saw no positives about the situation. Yes, I did try and talk with the parents (who were very nice about it and even admitted their daughter was a "bully" and even at home). So, I gave it a few tries of trying to correct the situation... but this girl was just "wild" and hard to handle. The parents understood though. They knew their daughter was this way.

Now, you HAVE TO put your child first... at this age, they cannot be expected to understand wordy explanations. So you have to look out for him... and hope he does not pick up the habits you don't want him to. But, even if he were in daycare/preschool...these kinds of things happen too. BUT, there is a Teacher there to run interference between parents. But even a Teacher would understand.

At least your friend does try to do something... ie: time-out, holding her child in her lap, making her child say sorry etc. So, she does do something. But, it does not work. Partly, this is the way it is with toddlers...especially a very physical & aggressive one.

I would, just tell her that is it causing you much grief having your son be beat up on all the time. And, you can't stomach it, nor feel it is okay for your son, as he is picking up the bad habits as well. That is just me. But I would say this, in a more 'pleasant' way. Tell her that (and I"m sure she knows), that her son's aggressiveness is just a major problem for your son.... and you. That it is causing "stress" for your child. And that is not good, for any child. And if it were me... I would lessen the play date frequency or not at all, for that reason. You can always stay friends with her... but as just 2 girlfriends going out...by yourselves, if that is possible.

It's hard these types of things. But I would just be honest...
take care,
Susan

I agree that you need to talk to your friend. Tell her that you need to take care of your son before you take care of yourself and your friendships. Tell her that when they come over you are going to talk to both boys about what is allowed and the consiquences if they don't obey the rules. The consiquence is the one who hits, has to stay in time out with toes and nose to the wall for 5 minutes. If he looks away or moves then the time has to start again. This punishment is harder because they have to stand. But we are all cappable of standing for 5 to 20 minutes. Plus they feel stupid for standing with their toes and nose touching the wall. Then because he hit, bit etc. They have to leave as soon as the time out is done. No more playing today. If this doesn't stop the meany then stop the play dates it's not worth it. And your son needs to see that he is more important then mommy's friend. And later he will be greatful that you stuck up for him. Sometimes you have to do the same affense back to the child, so fast that the child doesn't have time to differanceate the 2, I bite, I get bit back, it hurts. I hit, I get hit back, it hurts. This needs to be done the second he does it to someone, don't talk to him or her first just grab them and do it back. So that they understand it hurts. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. But they will stop faster if they know what it feels like and know that it will happen to them if they do it at all. This is why the bully stops being a bully because someone finally stood up to them and gave them a taste of their own medicine. Good Luck ! Maybe showing her the answers to this question might help. But save your son, he will be glad that you were looking out for him. J.

Wow, Jae! I sympathize with you. It's happened to me but I don't think I love ANY of my friends enough to put up with all that! Kicking? Head-butting? Biting? I'd put your son's friend in time-out at HIS house! Let him kick someone else!

If your friend loves you as much as you love her, she should be able to deal with you saying, "Little So-and-so is having a hard time behaving in an appropriate manner with my son. Let's wait until he learns to listen to you better. In the meantime, we can talk on the phone." She'll get over it. Your priority is your son. He shouldn't have to grow up in that kind of environment.

It's not forever. The child will either learn to behave or get worse. Then you can decide what you want to do.

Best wishes,

M.

Chances are your friend is just as frustrated as you are but by acting like its no big deal she hopes you won't think so either.
My son has always been aggressive, even without older brothers, violent tv, or spanking from us. I have tried it all to get him to try other means to handle the situation but to no avail. When he plays with his cousins I have to BEG him to tattle on them and to not "work it out" as you would have other children do.

Please understand that there all always problems with other peoples kids. I get sooooo frustrated with his friends who come over and whine and then my son starts to whine. Or tattling or sneaking into things they know they aren't supposed to have or do. My son does not do any of these, ever, except with friends who do.
Honestly, hitting is easier for me to deal with.

All I can say is how thankful I am for friends who stuck by me. She could probably use any advice you have and understanding. The biggest help for me was just sitting there watching them play so I could step in before a situation got that far. At two it was a real job.

Good Luck.

HI Jae, I have two nieces that have sons 3 months apart. This was happening with their boys they have as well. The older larger one was always pouncing on the younger, and much smaller one. So, in order to teach proper "friendliness" the Mommies got in the mix. As soon as "Garrett" would start Mommy would step in and redirect positive behavior and say "this is how we treat our friends." This is working well and the Mommy's interjection is needed less and less but in the beginning VERY close monitoring was needed.
I hope this helps you.
K.