What to Do About Unfair, Unequal Treatment of Siblings Around the Holidays.

I just wanted to say that some of the very harsh responses you've received are very uncalled for....

If any of you ladies are reading this, please remember that this is a place women come to for support, not to get beat up!

Though it's helpful to point out a different way of looking at things, it is NOT helpful to call the requestors selfish brats, etc.

T., I don't have any advice for you on this matter...I think you've already received several good responses. I just wanted to speak out about those who were less-than-helpful. (you know who you are!)

Hi T.,

Just adding my two cents to the pot. Christmas came and went this year and my son received absolutely nothing from my dad and his wife. Not even a "we have a package but haven't sent it yet". My other sisters (their children, BTW) live in town and did have gifts for their children. Sooo don't even want to mention the sister that doesn't send anything for my son and doesn't feel it necessary for her son to write us a simple "thank you" card for gifts received. (Okay, probably venting here!) I'm scratching my head, too...

Family's tough sometimes, huh?

I am now a step-mom. I have two teenage step kids. For the last two Christmases I have been VERY careful about making sure everything is equal. My step-daughter, who is 17, notices any little descrepancy. And I am quick to point out that there not be ANY favoritism in our home on either side. From my husband or from me. We treat our five children equally. I have even gotten wonderful support from my divorced parents.
I have told each of them they need to get presents for ALL five kids or none. And my father and my husbands parents send cards and gifts for each child's birthday, too.
I had to point out to my mother, though, that we are a family now. She has struggled a bit more with the fact that the two teens are NOT her 'real' grandchildren - and you know how hard it can be to connect with/ bond with teenagers.

As far as your father is concerned, he is not treating you equally with your step-siblings. That hurts. Period. And I would bet that this is an on-going problem with you and your father. It's probably not a new situation, but one that has been going on for years.
But I'd think really hard about how to broach the subject with him. He will probably be upset that he has hurt you which is where the yelling comes from - I bet he's just trying to appease his wife. He just wants everyone to be happy and he doesn't know how to make that happen. And I would just let him know that you and your kids would LOVE to spend Christmas with him. Gifts are nice, but I think the real hurt comes from being excluded.
He is ultimately the one who must tell his wife that all his children should be included during the holidays. Isn't that what Christmas is all about. The more people involved the more excitement and love there is to go around!

Right now you really don't know why your Dad and stepmom didn't give your Dad's grandkids gifts for Christmas. You won't know until you speak to your Dad. You don't mention what you or your children gave your Dad for his Christmas gift. At this time in our economy, the gift of time may have been the only gift that your Dad could give this year. And in the big picture of things, that time spent with him is the best gift of all. Sharing stories, spending time. Don't even try to compare what is done for your and yours with what's done for your sisters and their's or your step-siblings and their families. You'll go crazy. Life can't be a tit for tat game. Your step sibling is going to have a baby. Mazel tov!! Do for her as you would any other friend or acquaintance. If invited to a shower, go. Don't go broke trying to impress, but celebrate this new life, welcome this new cousin your kids get to play and grow with. Bottom line, be the bigger, better person than the type you say your Dad and step-mom are. It does not one bit of good. Sets a bad example for your kids. In the future, spend time making a tray of cookies with your kids, have them color pictures, make something or give the gift of picture of you, your husband and kids to your Dad and stepmom. Something that you made, that is a part of you. Gifts don't have to come with a gift receipt or from the mall. It's better to give than to receive. I'm sure Santa and others bestowed a bounty of gifts upon your kids and they want for very little materially. Now is the time to teach them by example what the holiday is really all about, giving of themselves to others. I wish you well. Have a happier new year!!!
p.s. I had in-laws (since passed on) who decided the holidays had to be their way or it was the highway. They didn't understand the sharing of time or spotlight. They made a big production of their gifts to the point of putting others down. They were rude and inconsiderate of their sons and their wives. Our kids are their only grandkids. As a result, the jealousy on the part of the oldest brother has remained insurmountable. We shouldn't have had kids because they couldn't/didn't. Everything should have been 'equal'. They have all missed out on a lot in life as a result. We continue to send the Christmas cards and pics. They know what's happening in our lives, but it's their choice to not participate. Our kids have grown into these amazing people, multi-talented, compassionate, funny, understanding, smart, loving people. They were our gifts that keep on giving every day, to them and to us. Don't spend too much time worrying about this one holiday or the lack of wrapped presents/gift cards. Be happy you had the time together, the hugs when they walked through the door and the one you got as they left. My Dad died 14 yrs ago after being diagnosed with lung cancer during the holidays. What I would give for just one more hug, what my kids would do for that hug, for those precious moments.

T.,

I feel for your situation. I had one set of grandparents who played favorites when my brother and I were kids. My brother was the "favorite" and it showed. He always got Christmas and birthday presents, and I never did. My parents tried very hard to remedy the situation with no success. I can tell you that I cried every Christmas when I had to watch my brother open gifts from them and I had nothing. He was very generous and shared his presents with me, but it just wasn't the same. After so blantantly ignoring me for most of my life, they had the gall to get upset when I didn't visit them at all or invite them to my wedding. Funny how that works, isn't it?

My grandpa just died this fall, and the favoritism showed once again when the will was read; my brother was left a sizeable amount of money and I was again left out. Fortunatly as an adult, I can handle it, and it's not that big of a deal to me. I would have had a difficult time accepting money from them anyway. My grandparents missed out on a wonderful relationship with me, and it was their loss, not mine.

I don't have any words of wisdom for youm except to be there when your children express sorrow, anger, or whatever over the situation. Believe me, they will eventually notice the favoritism and it'll hurt. My suggestion would be to build them up, let them know they are special no matter what, and that the number of presents they do or don't receive has nothing to do with their worth or value. It's important for you to validate their feelings and to let them know you understand how much they may hurt because of this.

Instead, focus on instilling in them your values, whatever they may be. One thing you could do is help them become people who give to others with nothing expected in return. In otherwords, help them to take the high road and rise above adversity.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Life (and your step mom) sure aren't fair, are they? And there isn't much you can do to life or your step mom to change them at this date. And your father has to live with your step mom so it would make his life really more than difficult if you demanded that he make things change. Put your self in his shoes.

I think you should have Christmas with your sisters, invite your mom if she is around, if not, invite your dad's family and overlook any imperfections. Really hard to do.... Think of the spirit you want to demonstrate for your kids and your half niece.

I grew up with only one set of grandparents, many of us do. If your grandparents are around and engaged that is a blessing. Later you children will ask about you husband's parents. You can explain simply.

When I was married, I had a lot of money and I always made sure my sister and family had nice (but not over the top gifts). Now I am not married and disabled (equals poor). My sister makes good money and she is now returning the gifts.

Perhaps the same will happen to you and yours.

That sounds very frustrating, and from what I've seen in my own case with my father in law and his wife, and in the situations of friends with stepmoms, it's not that uncommon. I understand how deep the hurt can go.

My advice would be to continue to extend love and good will towards your dad and stepmom, and maybe someday things will change. I think that getting bitter and severing ties with them would just be sad in all regards, whether they meet your hopes of what grandparents should be or not. YOu can only change how you are, I wouldn't expect to be able to change how your dad is treating you, especially since he is probably more controlled by his wife and her wishes, and his desire to avoid confrontation at home. Let your frustration/tears/anger and hurt out in talks with your husband or a good friend you can trust. Perhaps try to sit down with your dad to share from a feelings perspective how his choices have affected you, but try not to have any expectations that things will change as a result. Just focus on being heard, if possible. I'm so sorry that your relationship with him is so strained.

To share a bit from my story - I married a man whose mother had died in his teens, and whose father had remarried an un-maternal woman with no children of her own. They lived by choice (retirement) in an area remote from both my husband and his brother that was difficult to get to or visit. We visited them once when we were newly married, and my fil visited us once, by himself, after our first child was born, when he was 9 months old. A few months later he found out he had a brain tumor. We tried to visit with our kids (two by then) but were blocked by the stepmom who decided it would be too stressful (even though we already had reservations at a hotel and were prepared to only be at the house when he could handle it). We never received a single baby gift or Christmas gift or even a card of acknowledgement for either child, and my daughter never met her grandfather and he died when she was a year old. It was all so hurtful, but in all my efforts towards them I tried to extend love in the hopes that maybe something more would be possible. Sadly it never was. We have no communication with my fil's widow now, she has never shown any interest in us or our kids, and so we feel it would be false to try to make a relationship now. I struggled for a long time with bitterness after the my fil's death, towards his widow, but also towards him for not standing up to her to have closer relationships with his sons or grandkids. It's easy to blame the stepmom, but I finally had to conclude that in his choice of her as his wife, he chose that course, and so we had to live with that and forgive him for the hurt that it caused.

I hope you can build something on what you do have with your dad, and try to look past the inequalities that are inevitable. Whether he's having a spine with his wife or not, he's making his choices, whether by action or inaction. Hopefully someday he'll see that, but even if he doesn't I hope you can live your life without bitterness, as that will just poison you and your kids. My heart goes out to you.

In a word (or I should say a sentence) :) you cannot change anyone but yourself. Let it go. Be the best person you can be. I believe being the best person means loving yourself enough to protect yourself from self- inflicted pain by loving what others can give and accepting who they are. By not expecting others to behave as you want them to behave. By behaving, yourself, in a manner that uplifts your spirit. What can you do to feel better about yourself and your family without including those many many other people?

I had difficulty keeping up with all the relationships in your message. My heart went out to you but I kept wondering why are those people are more important than your own and your immediate family's happiness?

I spend years trying to get my father to show me that he loved me in the way I wanted to be loved. It was only after he became ill and bed ridden that I realized that he had shown me his love in other ways. If I'd only looked for those other ways earlier I may have had a better relationship with my father.

After he died I realized how many years of anger had kept us apart. All along I knew that he was emotionally handicapped but I also worked at making him change. He didn't change and I was angry.

We can only change ourselves and our attitudes. We can influence other's behavior and attitudes by feeling love for them and treataing them in a loving way. But we can never change another person's behavior or attitude by putting anger into the relationship. You are wanting change many people. Even with love and understanding you cannot change everyone.

In several of your messages you have been advised to talk with your father and let him know how hurt you are. I advise you to NOT do that. After all these years, you know that he's not able to understand your pain let alone do something to cause less pain.

Focus on yourself and the members of your family that you are able to love and let go of the anger towards the others. "Be happy" as a popular song from the 80's said. You have control of your own happiness. No one can cause the ongoing pain that you're suffering without your permission.

I speak from experience. I spent years being hurt which led to anger, when my father, as well as other people in my life, didn't love me as I wanted them to love me. They weren't able to validate my feelings. I learned that I could validate my feelings. Then I didn't need them so much to validate them. Yes, I have better relationships with those who do. I have to mourn the loss of the relationship that I wanted with others and accept the relationship that exists. If seeing that person or those people is so painful that I'm angry I work on loving myself; not on changing them. If necessary I don't seem them as much or not at all. I work on not expressing anger at someone who cannot deal with my anger. I just quietly slip away.

I vent with friends. I've frequently spent time in therapy to deal with my feelings. It was in therapy that I learned that I can only change myself and that some people (in my case several people) are unable to understand let along accept my feelings. I let them go and develop good relationships with those who help me "be happy."

This is not easy to do!!!!!! It has taken me years and a concerted effort to reach this point. I started with the premise that I would rather be happy than right. Yes, they should do the things you want! Your expectations are reasonable! But they can't or they would be meeting you half way already.

You are right ~ this is irritating! As a mama too, I know how it is to feel that things are unfair towards your kids and it's awful. I'm sure you will get a lot of advice on how to confront your dad, etc., so I want to give a slightly different perspective.

His children with his wife may not have any (or any good) relatives on wife's side, so maybe they make up for it, thinking the "old" family has great relatives that give to the kids and grandkids, so they even it out by giving more to the others.

My kids seem to get a bit more from g'parents at the holidays than my sibs' kids. I asked my mom about it and she explained that as the only set of g'parents, they overdo for mine, because my sibs' kids all have two sets of g'parents and receive from both. (My husband's parents died before we met) and my sis and bro both have nice inlaws. May not be the case, but I would have never thought of this, so I'm sharing.

Hi T.,
I feel your pain and understand why you would probably be inclined to just let it go and say nothing. However, I think if you *frame* the conversation a bit differently it could go well. I would take dad to lunch just the two of you and have a little talk about how Christmas went and let him know that the relationship between him and your kids is very important to him = having a grandfather for your kids is of utmost importance. And that as the kids get older, they are/could notice that Grandpa didn't get them a present at Christmas or that they have been excluded from other family gatherings. We all know that Christmas is not about getting presents, but to most of us receiving one is about the acknowlegment that we are thought of, loved, and appreciated. The gesture is what is important here, and even the smallest will let your children know that they have been thought of.

I would definitely leave the Steps out of the conversation and make it about you and your family - and your expectations for your dad to put some special effort into it. Besides, he is the one who consented to having 5 kids - he must have known that being a grandpa to potentially 25 is part of the deal!!! ;-)

Good luck and let us know what happens!!

As much as I understand your frustration, I say let it go. If holiday's become too much start your own traditions -- maybe it's just time for a change.

E.

I think you should just forget about your expectations of what your dad and his family should do, and get on with your life. Do your life your way and don't expect others to do things your way. Why? It will make your life way nicer than trying to change others' ways. This will lead to frustration. Also, you cannot count love. It doesn't come in presents or even in hours spent. It comes in consideration and care for others. Treat others as you'd want them to treat you, and just try to understand their position as much as possible and have empathy for them and want the best for them. They will notice this spirit in you and love you for it.

T. - I read your request and see a lot of hurt and anger. Not just at the Christmas thing, but at your whole step family. You mention the "new" family, point out that your step-sister did not go to any of your baby showers, and how you "know" that your step mom didn't want to invite you and your other sisters to their house for get togethers.
All of those things would hurt my feelings too, but, like other mama's have said, you can only control yourself, your feelings and how you react to them.
Have you thought about maybe inviting all of your family to your house for the holidays (that is including your step-family)? My husband and I are in a small home (1,100 square feet) but we invite my whole family here a lot (I have four brothers, two sister-in-laws, a niece and my parents...we are squished!!)
One other woman was SUPER rude about you being selfish, and while I don't think you are, maybe when you invite everyone over you could just do away with gifts entirely. Maybe you could have the adults bring over their favorite cookies/cakes/chocolates and everyone could share while all the kids run around and play. Then know one (your children) would know if they did or did not receive gifts. (You could always say something like, "This year lets not do gifts! That way we can just focus on being a family as opposed to who did not get a gift from who) lol
A little story. I am the eldest and only daughter. My youngest brother is 19, I am 31. When I was a kid we did not have new clothes, some of our Christmases were donated through our local church, no video games, no soda, no cookies, no ice cream (all those things cost money). My parents did not have any money for my other three brothers and I to go to college so I did not go (it's totally not their fault, I could have worked). But my baby brother...My parents put a second mortgage on the house, sent him off to a university, they had nintendo, x box, movies, food whenever they wanted and they live at home ( I was kicked out into a halfway house at a church when I got pregnant with my first). If I dwell on it to much it really hurts my heart that there is such a difference between how I was raised and how my younger brothers were raised. But you know what? I can't do it! I am happy, I have great kids, I struggled, but I made it. Times for them are different as well. There is more money, he is the last one at home, they have more time to dedicate to them, what can I do? Nothing, it may not be fair, but life isn't fair!
I know it's unfair and hurts your heart that you and your two other sisters are not as included, but make your husband and your kids your focus! Know that you can not change your family or your dad and he has chosen to parent his adult children this way, you can just take it at face value and concentrate on making your children's immediate family happy and full of love.
Good Luck, sorry I rambled. L.

I love Marda's comment about the people in your life being "emotionally handicapped." It's so true! Funny (and sad) how many of us have to go through this. My son is also treated the same way by my husband's family. My son is the youngest (just turned 4) and therefore "doesn't need" the types of presents that the older kids do. He gets snubbed at Christmas too...and I spent a lot of my time putting a ton of effort into their kids when they were growing up. I hid Easter eggs in their yards for them...set up scavenger hunts...looked for the biggest/best presents that I could find for them at Christmas, held funerals for their hamsters when they died, etc. You'd think that some goodness would come out of that, but it didn't. Some people are just emotionally retarded and you can't change that. I even talked to them about their behavior, and instead of getting understanding, they tried to make light of the situation. (Not humorous to me). I suggest getting a voodoo doll for each of your family members and sticking pins in them! Then do as Marda said and avoid them like the plague. They don't deserve your company, and you don't deserve any more pain.

Hi there!

I can understand your feelings. This year was our daughter's first Christmas. She's the first grandchild on my side and the third on my husband's side. While my family is all about treating everyone equal (my sister is currently expecting her first child due in March), my husband's family is simply weired. I can't complain about my daughter not receiving gifts, I'd almost say they overdid it, but gifts are no compensation for affection in my eyes. While family and friends from my side have flown in from Europe to meet our daughter, his parents haven't even managed to visit from Texas (we live in WA). I have invited them over several times, even for the holidays (extended the invitation last year!!). Instead of meeting their granddaughter, who's almost a year old, they went to see my husband's brother and his family (also one child, whom they met before). I am majorly pee'd off. What I decided now is to give them another year to come and meet Lily. If they choose not to I will sever all ties with them (don't email or send pictures, don't call, send all gifts back, etc.). This will be my way to take control over the situation and stop beating myself up about the why's. Maybe that would work for you, too, if you're prepared to lose this part of your family. that might be hard, but not as hard as seeing the "new" family clearly being more important to your dad than you and your sister.

OH T. - how unkind and selfish they are being. The hard part is how to buffer this for the children. My best suggestion is this: -- ( hopefully Dad and step-mom have e-mail) send a thank you ( by e-mail ) for their hospitality - and say something really low key. However ( as much as I don't want to line up to join their particular '''party''' - as long as they don't expect children to watch other kids get presents when they themselves dont--- I'd be really reluctant to point out their failings. They are who they are-- it isn't fair-. NOT Rejoice in the family that are more generous and giving -

Blessing,
J.

T., without knowing all the facts it is hard to give a black and white answer. I am a stepmom. My husband has 4 adult children (ages 30+ to 24) and we have a 5 year old. We have 5 grandchildren. Despite trying for years to have a family xmas, this was the first year we all shared a Christmas meal and quality time together on Christams day. It is tough being a step parent and not everyone is cut out for it. It is sad that the grandchildren did not get gifts this year and i wonder if anything has transpired during the year that influenced this situation? I love buying gifts for all our grandchildren but readily admit that the youngest (also living close by) gets more just because we have a closer relationship with him and his parents. You can try talking to your Dad but a non-confrontational talk with the stepmom is probably going to be a better way to get some answers, and if your lucky maybe some positive results.

Hi T.,
I am/have been in the same place as you. All I can say is your Dad is who he is. You can either accept it or not.
I would not say anything to him about the issues between you, your sister, and the half siblings.
If after your half sister has her baby and next year at Christmas there is an issue with gifts for grand-kids I would maybe say something then. But try to keep it focused on the kids and how this is impacting them.
Best of luck to you...
MJ

T., I did NOT take your post as a plea for gifts for your children, you are simply looking for equal and fair treatment amongst everyone!

All I can say, is that it sounds like your Dad is laid back and that his wife runs the house and she gets whatever she wants, and since she isn't mentioning getting gifts for your kids that you Dad probably isn't thinking about it either. Perhaps he simply needs you to point out the obvious - that he isn't treating all of his children equally. More often than not the person committing the offense has no idea, they don't see what they are doing until someone from the outside looking in opens their eyes to the situation.

We all have our own stories, I am the third of seven children, and my youngest sister is very manipulative to my parents and to me she is spoiled. And at times I get very worked up about it because she doesn't like our father and doesn't appreciate anything that he does for her, like pay her insurance, phone, etc. - my Mom does her nanny job and gives her the checks! Anyway, this isn't about me. We all get worked up at times and it is healthy to vent - I would be very frustrated in your situation too. You and your sister should just have a visit with your father and tell him how you feel.

Good Luck!

A gift is just that...a gift. If his heart isn't into it, then why force him to give a gift. Your children will most likely not even pay that much attention but as adults sometimes we do. I have a similar situation, my husband's parents send NADA...nothing to their grandchildren (mine) yet they send to others. I don't ever hear my children say a thing, and I also want to teach my children that you give a gift for the pleasure of giving whether you receive anything back or not. The less you make out of it, the better the children will do. If they don't hear negativity, they won't think they've been slighted. Your parents don't owe them anything unless they choose to give it freely. We all hope our parents will accept our children, but fact is you can't force someone to give a gift and you can't save your children from reality. It is sad yes, and I don't mean to sound unfeeling, but I've just learned a few lessons in life that have saved me alot of pain in the future....this being one of them. Don't take it personally.

I feel for you! My ex and his girlfriend are the same way. My kids are grown too. This year he came alone to my house for Christmas but still doesn't get it that he leaves here to be with the family he chose over his own family. He couldn't even spend 3 hours here without calling her so the kids know who is number one with him and it's not them. It's sad as he is missing out on so much with his own kids. They are both very successful and great people and so are their kids! If I were you, I think I would write my dad a letter and let him know how you feel. He will have it in black and white and can read it and won't have the confrontation that could happen. At least it will let him know that you have feelings about things.

Families can really suck. My mother-in-law is not being quite as bad, but is infuriating me just as much. She too doesn't like confrontation and just breaks into tears, which my husband can't handle (arg). Three years ago my in-laws built their retirement home (big and expensive) in AZ. She sent an e-mail to the immediate family that said she didn't want any visitors until after the new year when she had the house set up (side note: she insisted in inviting herself to our first home at a most inconvenient time right after we moved in--then complained I wasn't a good enough hostess-yikes). My husband and I found out a few weeks later that she invited her friends from AZ and NM for T-day celebrations. Then a week or so before Christmas we found out she invited my brother-in-law and his pregnant for the first time and favorite daughter-in-law for the holiday. My husband was crushed and I was just pissed. I sent her an e-mail explaining how much she had hurt her son. She called in tears explaining how she didn't mean to hurt anyone and that we could "come too." Yeah, way to make us feel welcome. This year and last they have spent the holidays with my husband's brother and his family. My husband is still pissed, but won't say anything to her. I know if I try it will be just another tear fest to get out of acknowledging she's playing favorites and hurting her son. I'm sharing all of this because I think that for your own mental health, if you will, telling him how you see things is a good idea. However, don't expect anything substantial to change. My husband, daughter, and I had a wonderful, though somewhat lonely Christmas at home without them. It still hurts. I'm hoping that if I learn to accept them, but keep them at a slight distance it will make me feel better since they won't change.

I'd ask you to ask yourself what is more important: Family peace or family conflict? Because if you say anything to anyone I'm thinking there will be a big blow up. Family peace is usually the best option.

Men just aren't into the gift giving (or keeping score) the way women are.

If I were to go to a Christmas party at my dad's house and he lavished gifts on his other grandchild but didn't give anything to my children, I would make a point of speaking to him privately. Not to tell him he had any type of duty to give my kids any gifts, but to let him know that I would really appreciate it if he could give the other grandchild her gifts before my kids came over so there wouldn't be any jealousy or hurt feelings in the future.

It's okay to be irritated, but remember that your step mother has a tremendous amount of control over your dad. Think of her as the gate keeper. To keep the peace, sometimes you've just got to suck it up.

Being treated unfairly is always hard to deal with - regardless of how old you and your children are. From what you have said, it sounds as though this is an ongoing issue, and not just centered around the holidays. In regards to the holidays, I would encourage you to teach your children to be the "bigger" people in this situation. Life is not always fair, even when families are so I would use this as a learning situation with your kids. If they are feeling hurt over this situation, encourage them to talk to you about it and halp them sort through their frustrations constructively (not easy, but an imporatnt life skill). I would also spend some time talking to them about how Jesus dealt with unfair treatment (seeing as he is the reason we are doing all this gift giving in the first place, and he dealt with some pretty nasty people).

In regards to the non-holiday times, I would consider addresing specific isuues as they come up to your step mother. She may not realize the hurt she is causing and she may be behaving like this simply because she is not really thinking it through. However, remember that if you do bring up an issue, be calm and very specific about what is going on and how it makes you feel. Be prepared to be blown off by her. Ulimately, if she doesn't really care about how she makes you feel, stay calm and don't start any "mudd flinging" It is really hard to keep your cool in this situation, but at least you will know where she stands and if you, your siblings, and your children are not really high on her list it can be a little easier to stomach than when you are questioning the motive behind the behavior.

There is no easy out in these situations (unfortunantly my inlaws exibit similar behaviors with my husband and have made in quite clear that our child will be miles below their other grandchildren) but remember that the most important thing inthis whole situation is the lesson your children gleen from watching you.

Best of luck!!!!!!