What to Do for a Friend of My 13 Yr Old Son Whos Dad Just Passed Away Unexpectly

Being there's usually the best thing. Perhaps you could take him over to his house and they could just play video games. You could offer to bring over a casserole or help cook or clean. Letting the boys simply hang out is going to be the best healing for his friend.

Hi D. -
That's a very sad situation. There is a book called "Reaching Out To Those Who Grieve" by Katie Maxwell. You can find the info online too. But basically, it says that the things you can do to help are:
1) Listen - with your eyes, ears and heart
2) Touch - a hug, pat on the arm or around shoulder, lingering handshake
3) Respect the initial phase of survivor's denial
4) Provide food - disposable containers, label with cooking or freezing directions and your name. Or bring groceries.
5) Send a card with a handwritten note
6) Continue to call on a regular basis
7) Validate the loss of those who grieve, including grandparents, children and fathers - remember the forgotten grievers.
8) Attend to practical matters - transportation for out-of-town visitors, house-sit, baby-sit, offer to make phone calls, clean house, do the laundry, run errands, help dress children for funeral, help address thank you notes, service care, stay with relative who is unable to attend funeral, sit with children at funeral, etc.
9) Ask other family memebers what needs to be done
10)Accompany survivor to funeral home and support them while they make choices

Mistakes to avoid:
1) doing nothing
2) Avoiding mourner
3) Failing to attend funeral
4) Changing subject when survivor wants to talk about deceased
5) Refraining from using the deceased's name
6) Using platitudes (It must be God's will, He's better off, God must have needed another angel, Now he won't suffer anymore, Time heals all wounds, She's led a full life, You're strong, It could have been worse, God has a plan, etc.)
7) Saying I KNOW how you feel
8) Trying to "cheer" people out of their sorrow
9) Giving advice
10) Failing to offer continued support (calls, visits, invitations)
11) Being afraid of silence
12) Feeling we must do something to "fix" the problem
13) Being afraid to show emotions
14) Asking innapropriate questions (Do you plan to remarry?, How did your husband become ill?, How did the accident happen?, What are you going to do with her clothes?)
15) Judging people's level of grief
16) Defending God to the angry bereaved
17) Taking the survivor's anger or resentment personally
18) Not allowing the bereaved to express the feeling of guilt
19) Suggesting pill or alcohol to calm the bereaved
20) Doing too much, not allowing the suvivor to be alone
21) Using euphemisms (She went to sleep, she went home to meet her maker, he passed away)
22) Promising more than you can deliver - be careful when making a committment not to promise the "moon and stars", when reality sets in you may not be able to fulfill those committments
23) Sharing confidential conversations
24) Questioning the suvivor's decisions. Give opinions when asked with the understanding that it is just your opinion
25) Getting involved in family dynamics
26) Telling the survivor to be brave and strong
27) Waiting for the survivor to call you
28) Playing matchmaker

Hope that helps... good luck, L.

This is really hard for this child and your son. Have your son make or pick out a card and help him write a personal note to this child. Putting his feelings in writing will help him process his feelings as well as give this child a permanent reminder of how much your son cares about him. There is a limit to how much he can really do for him, being there to listen and give support is the best help he can offer. Including him in your family activities when he is feeling up to it can be a life send. Your best bet is to support your son emotionally through this. Encourage him to talk with you. The more support he has the more he can offer others.

Hi. I suggest teaching your son the stages of grief, therefore he can recognize the signs and help his friend. The big one will be anger. He is going to be angry that his dad died. Your son needs to know this that way he does not take anything personal, and can let his friend move through the feelings. Hugs are big one's too. I know a 13 year old boy might find it weird to hug their friends but sometimes that is all that is needed. Good luck.

D., I've been there, but on the other end. My husband died unexpectedly when my children were 13, 17 and 19. It sucks. Your son may have fears of something happening to you or your husband. Be open for him to discuss these fears. All three of my children handled the death of their father differently. My oldest son was very stoic, taking the attitude that anything he feels would not bring his dad back. My middle son punched a hole in a door and grieved openly. His friends openly grieved with him and did not leave his side. My youngest, "daddy's girl", unfortunately tried to follow my lead of shutting down her grief. Her friends all kept a protective circle around her at school. Her school was amazing (a public LAUSD middle school), taking up a collection and giving her cards of sympathy. The principal even attended the funeral. I can't stress enough to please not say "You will get over this". You never get over it. You get through it. The main thing to watch for in your son's friend will be him going through an angry stage. You pretty much get an attitude that nothing you do, good or bad, matters any more. You are afraid to be close to anyone because you get the notion that "if I don't love anyone, then it won't hurt when they die or leave". You might want to prepare your son to look out for this. My daughter told me just the other day that sometimes it bothers her to hear her friends complain about what she (my daughter) considers trivial matters and that none of them understand what she is still going through. This is not her friends faults, it is just the way teens are.
More important than immediate food donations are food gift cards. This will really come in handy after all the people leave. If you are friends with his mother, she is going to need support much more beyond the first few months. The kids lives will continue to move forward (hopefully), but hers will be stuck in neutral. It has been almost three years since my husband died and I am still working through it. This family is lucky to have you to be concerned for them, and the boy is very lucky to have your son as his friend. God Bless.

I am not sure if this has been mentioned but you may want to warn your son of some emotional struggles his friend may go through. Show him that patience and understanding will be needed .

I think it is so important to have your son just hang out with his friend and do normal things. Don't worry that you are taking him away from his family, he may be too sad, or too worried about his Mom to talk about it at home. You (and your son) can tell him one time that it is OK to talk about his Dad with you if he wants to - and then accept everything he says, even if it is "I was mad at my dad the day he died" or "I am mad at my dad for leaving us." In other words, don't judge, or be two quick to jump in with comfort or advice (it can be dismissive). I would say, go the extra mile, to make sure he gets that time, don't just offer it once, be persistent. Have him over for dinner, bring diiner to the family, take him along on family outings, be a pest about it at first, because people will just hole up at first and not connect with anyone for exactly the reasons you say - everyone is uncomfortable talking about it. Once you have said "I am so sorry for your loss' or "That really sucks about your Dad", you don't need to say anything else, you just need to continue to be a friend. People tend to shun death, so don't shun the people you love just because they have been touched by it. He may feel guilty laughing or having fun, but his overwhelming need right now, is not to go through this alone. B.

Hi D.,
I'm a counselor and I currently have a support group going for kids this age who have experienced a loss in their family (for several of them it is the parent). The number one thing they say they can't stand is when other people say to them "I know how you feel". They don't even say this to each other, because they feel their own losses are so personal and their experience so unique. We have discussed what they think "the right thing" to say is, and really, the consenusus is there is nothing. And they have said that they treasured any cards they got from their friends. I have found that while they may not want to talk about their feelings or the death itself with their friends, they love a listening ear to share stories and memories about the person. Tell your son not to be afraid to let the conversation "go there" if that's what his friend needs.

Also, when I was in high school I had leadership class with a guy whose little sister was tragically killed when he was in 8th grade. I'll never forget him saying (several years after the death) that the most important thing for him was when his friends came over just to hang out or shoot hoops or whatever. He said a ton of people come over to support the family, or the parents, but very few of his own friends came just for him. And all he really wanted was something to do, and someone to hang out with.

Hope this helps. My heart goes out to them and your son.

My dad passed away when I was 13 and it was awful! I do remember my friends and their families calling, sending notes and bringing over an occasional dinner.

My Mom really appreciated:
Offers to give her son a ride home from school or sports
Phone calls or letters to lift spirits
copies of the obituaries so she could send to out of state relatives
Offer your husband to take her son on outings that require a male figure
Have their son come over to help fix the sink or car so he learns with your son.

My brother was 10 years old when dad died. He doesnt know how to fix anything
around the house, quit sports because of transportation and also quit boy scouts because he did not have a male figure... boys need their daddy's..

So, just be a friend and if you can help by giving him a ride or take him out to a movie so his mom can have a break... i am sure it would be welcomed.

Best of luck to you...

Hi D.,
Well, you've received a lot of great suggestions on how your sweet son can emotionally support his friend, and how important it is that your son be prepared to not take things personally.
If you son is looking for other things to do, perhaps he could help the family out with something simple like taking the trash cans out to the curb and/or bringing them back in for the family. That might have been something that dad did, and is a nice little detail that would be not too invasive, but quite appreciated. Something along those lines might help both your son and the family.
My prayers are with this family. How nice that your son is sensitive to his friend's feelings.
Take care,
M.

Sadly, there's just not much your son can do other than be a good friend, with an available ear and an open heart. Remind him that his friend is going through a tough time and that the friend may respond in unusual ways and that your son should not take it personally. Good luck.

D.,
This is such a tough situation and I'm praying for your family as I'm writing. In the first few weeks, offering help to the Mom/family - practical things like offering to shop, take kids to activities, clean, etc. will make a big difference for all of them. Your son's friend is going to need his mom extra, so freeing her up to surround and surrounded by her kids is very helpful. Then, the most important thing he is going to need is to be invited to come be "normal" often. To be included in fun activities and family life will help his world not feel quite as out of control. Also, if your family is comfortable including his family in events like 4th of July, picnics, sledding, etc. This young man's mom is suddenly going to find herself not part of "couple's" anymore, but the men in other people's families can be of great help in giving her son a good role model.
Praying for both of your families,
T.

You can set up a meal delivery service for the family so that mom doesn't have to worry about what's for dinner. We did this for a family at my son's elementary school and the family felt very supported.

Set up a calendar/schedule and e-mail out friends and family. Have people pick a day and meal that they will deliver at 6 pm to the family's door. Make sure that everyone knows who is bringing what, that way the family won't eat lasagna 3 nights in a row.

We did it for a month and a half. I didn't even know the family, but felt great doing a random act of kindness.

D.... I'm sorry to hear of your son's friend who lost his father. I think it speaks much about your son that he was so moved by the loss and pain his friend is experiencing. He just feels like he wants to do something and I have a suggestion. When my son experienced a loss he was so hurt and I found a nice way for him to channel it. We went to the Home Depot and I told him let's get a really cool pot and plant so that he could have it and watch it grow and a nice reminder of the one he lost. Your son may want to do that for his friend where he gives him something he picked out for him. A bottlbrush plant is awesome since it grows slowly and has the neates little sprays that sway in the wind. We put it in a pot, placed it on the doorstep and and years later it's got to a nice size and a sweet reminder of one who loved him so. For the holidays we will put a cute pinwheel in the pot and it's lasting momento that turned out to be a favorite of my son. Perhaps you son could give the boy that with a card.

I lost my dad when I was 11 and the hardest thing for me was to be around my mom and her crying. She realized this and let me go and be with my friends. Now is not the time that you need to be as concerned with. It is in a week or two and from then on. They are all in shock and there are so many people around. It is when those people go away and they are left in that quiet house, that is when you are really needed.
Something that really bothered my mom was when after months, she would receive a sympathy card.
No one can ever replace his dad, however, a man in his life is really important. That's how they learn to be men. No matter how good we are as mothers, we can never be fathers. Maybe after a little while, your son can share his dad with his friend.

I suggest that you acknowledge your feelings about the passing of father of your sons friend. Share about the concern he has for his friend. Reflect that you have been saddened your self by others passing(not heavy on details) too.

Ultimately your son can be a good friend. Share activities when they are available. Give his friend space when he needs it.

J.

There are a lot of great ideas on here so I won't give anymore of the obvious responses. Check out the International Star Registry. Your son can purchase a star in the father's name. They send a beautiful certificate and the coordinates.
http://www.starregistry.com/

I really agree with the advice of Tami A and Nancy S.
You can do a lot and let your son just be a friend.

They will need to find a new definition of their "family".
Including this family in your activities will help him and his mom realize that there is "normal" still and they can recreate "normal" for them.
His mom will be his greatest strength and so strengthening her will go a long way.
This will be especially important in a month-six weeks when everyone else moves on and they are still reeling and upside down.
Good Luck

D., I would take the advice of the three ladies before me and really all I would add to that is, cook for the family. take them something to eat. they are going to have a lot of people over and they really need to be able to grieve and not worry about what they will feed people. If you do not cook, taking paper towels, toilet paper, napkins, paper plates, water bottles, juices, stuff like that is always helpful. They need it and don't realize it until they are running out and who really wants to think about that stuff at a time like this. Have your son go with you to deliver the items.

I have cooked for families of my daughters' friends at times like this and it is so appreciated by the family that my girls are very proud and actually feel as though they have done something themselves. It is rewarding for a child to see and be a part of a moment of happiness in a very difficult time.

That coupled with the suggestions below and your son and his friend and family will appreciate the friendship of your son.

Perhaps your son could help his friend make a collage of and about his dad. Your son and his friend can look though magazines to find pictures and words that represent his dad and you can make color copies of some pictures of his dad he really likes. (run this all by mom of course.)

It's a very theraputic process and might be nice for the boy to do with a friend and tell stories or share fun things about his dad.

God Bless,
M

I just lost a good friend of mine a month ago. There really is nothing your son can say to make his friend feel better. Tell him to just be a good friend and be there. If his friend needs help he will ask. Our group of friends made sure the family was taken care of. We have been taking food to the husband a couple nights a week and just spending time with him. Her kids said that although they appreciated the condolences they preffered to hear how great there mom was and hear fun stories about her. They didn't want to be felt sorry for. It just made them miss their mom more and feel worse.

I think what you are telling your son about what he can do for his friend is the best thing. Just knowing that there are friends around is a great help. I lost my parentws not even a year apart, i was older but knowing i had friends around that i could depend on was a great help and a lot of prayer