What to Do for My Friend with Breast Cancer

Send her a card in the mail every other day? Could you make some prepared foods for her freezer so it could help her husband with meals?

Hi M., A group of us are also attempting to support/help a friend dealing with liver cancer. We organized a simple meal support system with each person assigned to provide dinner for that family one time. Everybody selected the week that worked for them and took responsibility to make the meal and deliver it for a specific day - that person also contacted the recipient ahead of time to let them know which day the meal was coming. Most people provide a meal that can actually be used for two days. The recipient can't thank us enough and keeps saying how helpful it is to know that two days a week, neither she nor her husband have to think about preparing supper for the family. We were able to get 10 people involved in doing this, so we are providing this help for 10 weeks. Who knows - once it is done, we may decide to do it another 10 weeks. Anyway, this is just one suggestion - hope it helps. E. Taft

You could make up food for her to keep in her freezer or bring hot meals over on certain nights that she's going through radiation. She won't want to be around food and cooking/serving it will be hard to do while she's in treatment yet she'll have a family that will be hungry (take-out is expensive). You could also pre-buy groceries for her or do her grocery shopping for her weekly (what a relief that would be that she didn't have to stand in line, bring bags in etc). Another simple way would be to send her little treats/cards etc. for no reason...just to let her know you're thinking of her, how you admire her strength and how beautiful she is. If you can help with getting her some pretty things to wear, or pampering items (lotions, aromatherapy, comfy pretty nighties that would also mean the world to her. When women are going through therapy (and also have lost their breasts) they often times don't feel pretty...try to give her things that help her feel beautiful and brighten her outlook.

Hey M.,
When my best friend went through breast cancer, she held a going away party for her breast. The ceremony included her women friends each bringing fruit the size and shape of her own breasts, and then having fruit salad together. We made a boob pinata, filled with "silver nipples" (Hershey's kisses), and gave out Silver Nipple awards for largest, smallest, longest, etc. It was a funny way to say goodbye to her breast. I made her a small scrapbook, and on the front I put in scrap letters "My BrEaST Friends" and the quote "Where there is great love, there are always miracles" (I don't remember who said it...maybe Helen Keller?). I had each of the women attending bring a funny, inspiring, or loving quote, picture, memory, or scripture to glue into the book. I also put in a few pictures I found online of breast cancer survivors and artwork they had created that were beautiful and inspiring. My friend referred to this book many many times during her chemo treatment for encouragement and love during the times we couldn't be physically there for her. And she still has it, and has added things to it. Another of her friends made blank coupons, and we each signed up to do something helpful, like laundry one day, or cleaning, or shopping, or cooking, and she could call us on it anytime. we also all wore pink rubber bracelets, and you can get them fairly cheap custom made, then resell them as a fundraiser. The pink ribbon magnets for cars also sell well (one my friend has on her car says "Long live the Tatas!" haha) Chemo is rough on a body, physically and emotionally. So maybe you could make and freeze some dinners for her family, or arrange a dinner train (friends sign up for a day to bring dinner with an extra one to freeze for later). Another thing Terri did was have a cleaning party, where she wrote down all the things she couldn't get done, and we all came over and spent a couple of hours cleaning for her. She participated as well, so she didn't feel like she was being selfish (she has a hard time asking for help!), but all those little things like the windows and under cupboards, and some holiday gift wrapping, got done, and she felt her home was OK again. She made us some treats, and we had so much fun together it wasn't like work at all!
Mostly, she will need your encouragement and love. Ask her what she needs, and talk to her. Just call to say you're thinking about her, and stop by to give her a hug. Ginger lollipops can help with the nausea of chemo, as well as real ginger candies, and some teas like ginger, peppermint, and teas for morning sickness. I can tell you where you get some if you wanted. Maybe a little gift basket with some in it and a few treats for the kids would be nice.
Many blessings to you, your friend, and your families!
H.

As you know yourself, just getting everyday tasks done is a challenge with young kids (and the more children, the greater the challenge). What if you do any of the following (or something like it):

1. Offer to grocery shop for her
2. Offer to cook meals
3. Offer to clean in ways that work for her (it is not uncommon for each of us to have a preferred way which is why each of us often ends of not delegating cleaning tasks)
4. Offer to run errands for her
5. Ask her what is the hardest task(s) for her to get to that she wants done and offer to done one or more

Any of these could also be done by a group of people - especially in the Fall when she might need the help more (set up a dinner delivery schedule).

Also, you might find out if she likes any kind of music that relaxes her, calms her and get her a CD.

Just a few thoughts

Maybe once or twice a week, make a nice casserole and send it over. She'll probably be tired a lot with the cancer treatments, and this way she and her husband won't have to cook those nights, and can just spend time together and with their children.

M., I know the struggle that all involved have to go through and I have a great idea. My mom died of breast cancer when I was ten years old. I don't have even one picture of us together, nor do I have one of her with my dad. I only have 3 photos (poorly copied) with her in her terrible wig.(this was 20 years ago.)wigs have come a long way!! Anyway, I would take lots of pictures...of each of them with their mom..of dad with mom...of all of them together...and make a scrapbook.That way, if she gets well (I will be praying for her) they will have this to cherish. If the worst happens, they will have these photos to treasure forever.This will bring everyone much joy when it is needed.

M.,

What I have done in the past for people with illnesses, a new baby or who have suffered a loss is bring a meal to the house. I actually try to recruit other friends to help and try to have at least a week of dinners covered. This was extremely helpful to me when I lost my mom. The stress of trying to figure out what to feed my family was taken care of for me. I am sure your friend would be grateful escpecially having 3 small children to try to care for while being in the hardest fight of her life.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you and my prayers are with your friend.
S.

I've been through this three times in the past two years. One of the best things that our group of supporting friends has done is to provide meals on the weeks that our friends had their chemo treatments. IT saps your energy and sometimes makes the person not feel like eating themselves which obviously makes it hard to want to cook. If you can get a group of her friends together and organize people into teams to make meals (finding out if they have a freezer you can fill is a good idea and things can be made ahead.) Grocery store gift cards to Stop and Shop were also much appreciated as they have the Pea Pod service and you can order and have your groceries delivered. But far and away the most important thing that I hear back from my 3 friends is how appreciative they were of all the support, cards, phone calls, visits, etc. Contact with people helps to make those undergoing cancer treatment feel less isolated. I have done things like made journals for my friends to write in to help them cope, organized card blitzes from friends, etc. There is alot you can do to support your friend. Make sure she knows she's not forgotten. We also organized a team 2 years ago to do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer and have done it 2 years running and are now signed up for a 3rd year. With your young kids, that might be hard for you, but you can support our team or any other in your friend's name. If you want more information, please email me directly! I will pray for your friend as I pray for mine! Sisters for Survival - we're all in this together!

I would hire a sitter for all of your children and take her to the spa for the day!

So sorry to hear about your friend! Here are some ideas...
Give her a gift certificate for one of the food websites. I did one for friends with twins that just had a new baby. They can order from the menu and the company will deliver to their door. You can put in the freezer and then pull out as needed for meals-just heat and serve. They said it was great food.

Also, maid service for a month or 2 maybe?

Thinking of things that would be hard to do with kids and going through chemo.

Hope that helps!

My mother had breast cancer as well. What she loved the most was to get out and feel normal for a minute. Once a week we would go out for a couple of hours TJ Max, Burlington coat Factory and then stop and get an appetizer and just chat. It felt good for her to get out of the house and my Dad who would hover over her and just have girl time. Even if you could do it once a month. Get her family to watch her kids for a few hours if you can and your family to watch yours and reconnect- be girls and gossip, vent whatever- be you- not Mom not a wife...you know?

Also just an FYI you can not have a massage if you have cancer. Something about toxins and lymph nodes....I tried to do that with my Mom too because I thought it was a great idea....

My prayers for your friend. I have had many friends with breast cancer. My best friend, who had a young child by her third bout of cancer, confided to me things she wouldn't say to others. Like sometimes she didn't want to take her mind of cancer or be cheered up - sometimes she wanted someone to agree that it sucked and was unfair. Other times she didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone or hear that "cancer concern" in their voice. Sometimes she felt she had to comfort others as they expressed their concern. (I saw this with another friend who died of breast cancer - she was comforting all those who came to say goodbye and it drained her). Food for her family was great - but she couldn't eat much during the chemo or post-bone marrow transplant time. Play dates for her child were great - either where she attended too but didn't have to do much or when her child went off with friends. Giving children normal moments is really important during any family crisis. same for spouses - one night (before they had children) her husband and I went out for dinner so he could get out and have a beer at his favorite local pub.

I have to say that there is so much more out there now compared to when my friend was first diagnosed in 1988. People talk about it now - more research, more information, more helpful products.

The one thing I've learned is that each person needs different things at different times, and each bout of cancer can be different, even for the same person. Why not ask her or her husband what would be the best help?

what about an offer to help with cleaning or errands?? Food shopping or driving her to and from treatment.. that would be huge....

HI M.,
I will keep your friend in my prayers! WHen a friend of mine was recovering from breast cancer I put together a little basket of goodies---donated by all her friends and family for her to open whenever she went for a treatment. A book, a pair of ear rings, chocolates, fancy bookmarks, gift certificate to video store, body lotion, gift certificates to coffee shops, jewelry, etc... We also took turns going with her to the treatments and would stop for ice cream or coffee after. We left little notes of encouragement in the basket as well. I hope your friend gets better soon!

Hi M.,

There's a lot of missing info such as is she going through chemo, radiation or chemo and radiation?
Regardless, when I was going through treatment if someone had suggested a spa treatment I would have know they didn't know me very well. I wouldn't do it unless you are sure she would like it. I agree with the meal suggestions. Perhaps you could set up a schedule with other friends and let her know who will be bringing food on which nights. Lastly, the thing that helped me a lot was a friend who arrived every couple of weeks with groceries. She just went to Trader Joe's and bought stuff. I had food I'd never tried before and some old favorites but just not having to think about shopping was a big help.

I always think of what my mom did for a friend a while back -- organize a schedule of people to bring the family meals for the next few months.
If you get a list of just 10 people or so, you can have them sign up to bring meals once or twice a month - then the family would have dinner taken care of a few times a week. Organizing this (and signing up to do the meals once or twice) would be a huge help to their family, yet not take too much time as you juggle your four girls. It also allows a lot of people to help out in a very useful way and allows the family to maintain some sense of normalcy while the mom is in treatment, by being able to sit down for family meals.

M.,

Maybe something as simple as cooking a meal for her on the day she has her treatment would be nice. Also cards in the mail always brighten my days - especially when I'm not expecting it. Your daughter's could color pictures for her as well.
As for now to try and take her mind off it - you can try and both get babysitters and go for a walk or a lunch out or splurge and go for a spa treatment if money allows. And sometimes something as simple as a hug can lift someone's spirits.

I'll keep your friend in my thoughts and prayers,
L. M

Would she like a massage? Can you arrange for a personal chef to come in and prepare a week's worth of meals? Arrange a cleaning service with some other friends--cheaper that way. Things along those lines would probably be very much appreciated.

Hi M.,
I am not sure if this is a possibility but maybe you could take her out for a "spa" day of some sort. Or maybe even out to lunch kid free.
I am sorry that your friend has to go through such an awful ordeal but it's great that she has a wonderful support system. Keep up the great work. :)

Hi there.
I'm so sorry about your friend. I think the best thing you can do is visit and call often to let her know you are thinking about her. Let her know she can talk to you about it - most times people just need to have someone listen to their story/sadness/fears. Even if you don't know what to say being there for her will help.

On the practical side, bringing her a meal to pop in her oven for the family or even a gift certificate for a pizza will surely help out!

How about a gift cert. for a spa? or massage, mani & pedi. They will help her feel good and relax.

You're a good friend

H.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.

One thing you can do is get together with some family or friends of hers and make a month's or so worth of freezer-worthy food. I would think she just wants to spend time with her family and we all know how much time it takes to cook. An extra bonus would be to take her to the spa and then surprise her with the meals.

Not only will you bless her but it will be a blessing for all those that get together and do something special for her family.

Hi! How about a pedicure? Perhaps if she can't get out, you can inquire about someone going to her home.
Or perhaps hiring (with other friends) someone to clean the house?

A., Ashland

Hi M., first of all I hope your friend gets through this with a clean bill of health and I'll keep her in my prayers. This is just a suggestion...since she does have such a supportive husband, maybe you could leave the kids with him and take her to a salon or spa for a day of beauty - facial, massage, pedicure. Lots of places do "buddy" days where you can go at the same time. It would be fun for the two of you to spend time together and relaxing for her. Again, I hope everything works out okay!! Good luck, L.

We have done "food chains" involving all of the people who want to help, but can't decide how best to do it. Everyone signs up for a day, and if there are enough people, you might only have to do a meal every 6 weeks. We have done meals 3 days a week, since there are almost always leftovers. It helps to get food preferences from the family. Others may be able to take her kids, since you have your hands full in that department.

I'm not sure you can take her mind off her cancer - that probably shouldn't be your goal!

Another thing we have done is to get people to team up to participate in a local Relay for Life, sponsored by the American Cancer Society. A lot of communities do them. We've collected donations, run huge yard sales, etc. with all proceeds going to the ACS. "Relay" is an 18 hour event in which team participants take turns walking a track and it's very inspiring. There are usually special events for survivors - and a survivor is defined as any person from the moment he/she is diagnosed with any form of cancer. Treatment doesn't have to be completed. There are various forms of tribute/inspiration, including luminary bags (small bags with a votive candle, lit at dusk) which can be decorated in honor of a particular person. It's a great way to get kids involved - break out the crayons and the stickers, and write a colorful tribute to your friend. Seeing a track lined with lit bags, which burn through the night to guide the walkers, is a great way to raise money and realize that no one is alone in the fight. Most Relays have a place to pitch tents so the team can sleep in shifts, and there are special programs for little kids to participate too - a lot of people go home to sleep for a while, and then come back to walk again, while other team members take the shifts in the wee hours. This is a great way to let lots of people participate in any way they can. And it lets people talk about cancer and confront it, while celebrating the strength and resiliency of those who battle it.

Good luck, and bless you for wanting to do something for your friend.

Meals might help the family....they can be extra of what you cook or prepared meals, ready-made meals...
A girls night in....bring stuff for home facials, masks, pedicures and help her if she needs it....make up too....makes you feel good. Scheduling time to be with her for an hour or more....whatever you can work in...it will help your social time and hers.
Are there mother's helpers in your area...maybe an after school MH for a a day or two will help the whole family out....give the kids a fun face to entertain and play as well as help...some mother's helper can help with house chores too.
A cleaning lady...maybe rally up a donation of one's time or if a company is in the area...gather up a donation to have one. I belong to the www.USWT.org and organizations like ours help people in her situation with cleaning person or meals. Her place of worship might as well....a call to the locale to generate a meal train might be helpful.
Maybe being the a schedule helper...doctor's appts, etc. A dad/husband with all that going on would love the help.

How about sending over a cleaning crew = it's a great feeling to come home to a clean house that you didn't clean yourself! I had the women who clean my house go over to my boss' house once when he was recovering from surgery and he said it was the best gift he got. Not sure where you live but if it's in RI I can give you the name of our help. She is great and reasonably priced.

If you can afford it, a massage, or a spa pedicure & manicure, things like these make anyone feel great... I work in a salon, of course, lol, the thing is, everyone leaves with a smile, and comes back smiling, because they know theyll feel good when they leave. Good luck to you and your friend!

Thank you M. for asking this question! I have been struggling with the same questions... as my 37 year old co-worker/friend has just had surgury to remove a cancerous lump. She will undergo chemo and radiation... and plans to go back to full time teaching in the Fall. I am at a lost as to what to do for her... what to say... how to help. I am hoping the responses you receive will help me too! Thank you again.
Pam

My mom went through cancer treatment and what she wanted most was scarfs and kercheifs for her head. the wigs she got were hot and "picky" feeling. but she really loved the stretchy fabric headcoverings called Hadits (from rosie o'donnell).

she also would never ask for a ride to the radiologists office.(she couldn't drive herself & had to be there everyday for 23 days I think.)

also if you can, just visit with her and let her talk it out. it really helps her to sort out her feelings and fears about having cancer.

I agree with the organizing food suggestions, as well as gas cards. Also, there is an organization out there called Chemo Angels. Let her know of this, it is free, she will get a card angel and a gift angel while she is in treatment. They are awesome at buoying patients spirits.

Hi M.,
You can do this solo or with a group of your friends that know your friend who want to lend a hand. Get her some meals together that she can have in her freezer to pull out for her family... I'm not all that creative in the kitchen so I've done this for friends at DreamDinners, SuperSuppers, Gathering Kitchen and places like that. If you are so inspired you can just do it at home. You could also plan a time for her kids to come over if you have the help from a "babysitter in training" from the neighborhood... helpful to her and a little bit less stressful for you. Best wishes to your friend, she's lucky to have you!

I just recently had surgery of a different kind (removed a recalcitrant fallopian tube and ovary). The things that warmed my heart and helped the most were the following:

Flowers at the hospital
--simple arrangement picked personally by a friend
--most friends didn't even realize I was in the hospital, so this was a nice treat, because things happened pretty fast

Cards
--I've never really been into cards, but they really cheered me up
--I'll think in terms of cards more often now perhaps!

Calls to see if I needed any groceries picked up or any errands done
--a friend picked up some cantaloupe, bananas and pineapple juice for me...mmm!
--my husband is very helpful but he didn't have time to get them

Calls to offer a meal
--energy is low and ordering food gets expensive when you just don't feel like cooking
--a simple meal from friends is a godsend...don't be shy about asking, even a while after the treatments are going, maybe especially after a while, when everyone else is thinking things are okay.

Offers of help in whatever way
--all I wanted one day was a big ziploc bag of chipped ice from a friend's upright refrigerator. That was the best gift I could have received that day!
--another friend offered to come over and vacuum any time

Offers of movies/CDs
--one friend lent me three movies from her set of movies at home
--if you don't have movies at home, offer to pick up some for her or her family from the video store or from your NetFlix account

Offers of good books
--depending on your friend's energy

A visit
--just spending some time together can be wonderful
--just be aware of energy levels, even slow relaxing conversations can sometimes take a lot of energy. Be aware of signs of fatigue or ask straight out.

Treatment can be grueling. My stepsister had a double mastectomy ~20 years ago. But she's still around to talk about it, so it may not be all bad news. My brother's cancer was already in his lymph nodes when it was found but he lasted five more years. My dad was gone in only seven months. You never know what hand you'll be dealt and a positive attitude goes a long way.

So, help bring some cheer to your friend! Have fun and share some little task that helps smooth a tough road for her.

On the practical level, I agree that arranging for help around the house, rides to the treatments, and meal prep will help her out a lot. When you're cooking dinner, make a double batch and send one over to her house. All the usual dishes that people send to new moms (casseroles, lasagna, stews, etc.) - things that freeze well. If you are part of a large circle of friends, you could all try to arrange weekly playgroups so her kids can play with others and the task of watching them is spread among all the other moms who are there with their kids.