What to Get for a Greiving Family

When my mom passed away on Christmas Eve 10 years ago, I was devastated. It was very hard to deal with, along with comforting not only my Dad but my 16 year old sister at the time. I wouldn't have made it through without the support of my husband (then fiancee) and my two best friends. My two best friends were there to visit and just be a shoulder to cry on. Which was what I needed most. They typed up a poem called "If Tomorrow Starts Without Me" on beautiful paper and framed it and gave to me. Everytime I look at it and read it reminds me of my mom, as well as how much my two best friends care about me. It was probably the least expensive gift, but is priceless to me. Below is a link to the poem.
http://www.7poems.com/when-tomorrow-starts-without-me/

Food is always perfect. We don't need flowers, but we need food, so I think a nice fruit bouquet would be great.

Instead of flowers, maybe a plant. I received a large plant from my work group when I lost my mother and it reminded me of their caring for many years.

So sorry to hear this. What a particularly terrible day to loose someone. The thought is nice when people send flowers but when my son passed away I felt like I was living in a funeral parlor. I think someone took the flowers to the church for me because I couldn't bear to have them in the house. I feel the same away about plants. I thought some of the nicest "things" I received were simply hand written personal notes. But if you want to get something a gift certificate to a restaurant is so thoughtful because the last thing you feel like doing is cooking. Another idea is... Sending a frozen meal from Omaha Steaks or a place like it. Another gift I have given to many people is sending a book about grieving and loosing a parent, child, sibling etc. There are many great books out there and reading other peoples experiences with their loss made me feel a lot less alone.

I lost my identical twin boys this past September. They were born prematurely and didn't survive the birth. 8( We are still grieving and the holidays are a tough time.

Although some people sent cards and flowers the most meaningful and helpful things to receive were Phone Calls and visits from family and friends. A lot of people think that they shouldn't call a grieving friend or family member because they "need time to grieve, but the opposite is true. Put yourself out there. Make a call. Let her talk if she wants. The grieving process takes months if not years sometimes. Talking always helps. Crying really helps even if it makes others uncomfortable. I know that many of my friends and family wouldn't call me because they didn't want to upset me. Well, I was already, and am still, upset. Calling would show that they cared about me and I really needed that.

Food is also and awesome idea. I wouldn't have eaten a bite if people didn't put food in front of me. My husband and I didn't want to cook. Can you blame us?? I love the idea J.C. had about the Omaha Steaks. You could also prepare some foods that can be frozen. Please don't forget to include chocolate.

But mainly, just being there is the most important thing for someone who is grieving. When she is ready try and get her out. Take her to lunch. Go for a walk. Go to a museum. Go to a movie. (Not a depressing one). Let her cry. Let her talk. Avoid cliches.

Peace.

I have found that sending food to someones home helps out alot. They are usually in no frame of mind to want to cook, or shop. I usually order a deli tray with breads and side salads. Send a ham/turkey dinner from somewhere that delivers. Many people have said that is so appreciated at a time like that. My family is from the south and that is a very common thing when someone passes away. Sorry for SIL loss. What a sad christmas for her :(

Dear R.-

When my brother died unexpectantly several years ago, many people sent live plants to my mom's home. I still have one of the 'peace lillies'...and oddly it flowers year round.on and off...but always manages a bloom around both his birthday...and death day...I always think of him when I water it.

Take care
michele/cat

I'm sorry to hear about your SIL's loss. Perhaps you could contact a local florist (local to her) and inquire about a live plant that could either be grown inside or transplanted outside in the spring? A rose bush, maybe? Or a small evergreen plant that could stay inside? That's where a local florist could give you advice about plants that would be suitable to wherever they live, and could help you choose a plant that would grow for a long time, or one that would be easy to have indoors.

Or choose a floral arrangement that comes in a permanent display or bowl, not just the standard cheap glass vase. After the flowers have been thrown away, your SIL will have the beautiful bowl to use for fruit or to set out by itself.

I second the motion. I was thinking that if you have a good picture of SIL's mama, you could frame it and send it to her along with a letter of condolence.

There are also edible arrangements that you can send - cookies may be a a bit too "festive" for such a sad occassion but a fruit arrangement might be something nice to send. Or you can google gift baskets and send one that maybe commemorates her mother depending on how well you knew her (a health food one if she is a health food nut or something like that - they have ALL kinds). My deepest sympathies to your SIL and her family.

well my husband lost his best friend in June of this year in a car accident. Both he and my husband served in Afghanistan. My husband and myself are 22 and his best friend was 22 as well. I bought his mother a specially made throw blanket but I spent $115 because he was someone so dear and close to us and his mother was his world and it crushed her when she found out. I am in constant contact with her making sure she is ok. I feel for your SIL. Here is the website I ordered it from maybe you can find something on there to your price range and liking.

http://www.simply-sublime.com/personalized-memorial-gifts...

I like Stephani's idea of a poem, printed on nice paper and framed.
Here's another good one: http://mrmom.amaonline.com/stories/rosestillgrows.htm
You could also print or draw something that fits.
Perhaps a broken brick wall with a rose vine, or just the roses, or (if you can draw real good or knows someone who can) incorporate her name in the vines.

What about planting a tree in her honor either at the house where she (sister) lives or you can do one in a national forrest--it comes with a really pretty note and you can frame it and give it to her. Nice circle of life remembrance. Or find a nice pic of the two of them together and frame it for her. Take her to tea to talk and be a good listener. Any of those things she would appreciate. Being supportive and not judging how she grieves is the way to help.

Get a memory book. Get a living tree or a Christmas cactus or pine tree. Something living. Something that she looks at and smiles at the thought of her mom.

What about a gift card? Maybe for a restaurant where your friend and her family can enjoy a meal together. Or have a mass said for her mom and make a donation to the church where either her mom attended or she attends.

We've purchased trees/plants in honor of a deceased parent. That way every time she looks at it she will remember her mother.

You are being very thoughtful!

Many blessings.

A plant or something that will last. A friend of mine gave me a bird feeder when my grandmother died. A garden sculpture would be nice. Also, the idea of food is good too. If you don't live near by, you could send a gift card to a restaurant.

Is she religious? If so, there is a company that makes "Rememberance Bibles". They come in a very nice cedar case that can be embossed with your choice of wording in it. They have Protestant & Catholic versions available. You'll have to google it because I don't know the website.

An angel throw blanket?
Check at Things Remembered.

How about a roll of stamps. This would help the family in sending out all the "thank you" notes. I have done this several time and they have been well appreciated.

What about starting a scrap book. Do you have a picture of anyone in their family? And let them do the rest after they get it.

hey get a plaque with a saying on it or maybe make them a dinner dish and take it over so they eat.

how about a donation in her name like to St. Jude's Hospital, American Cancer Society, a favorite place like a park or rail trail...a friend of ours passed away and he loved nature, so we donated to a local rail trail that he loved to walk on...something that the person is interested in or enjoyed.

When my Gransdma died, my girlfriends got me a ceramic angel holding a candle. The candle is an LED light that turns on with a switch on the back. On the front of the angel is the 23rd Psalm. It looks beautiful on my mantel. Not sure where they got it, maybe Gerych's in Fenton or Hobby Lobby???

Fruit, especially those Edible arrangements would be very nice or a tree in a pot that could be planted outdoors in the spring.

I prefer terrariums so that they can live on. I think they are so pretty. Plants are a nice way to go. Another option is a wreath that she can store and use year after year at Christmastime in memory of her mother. I would have one made, though, to be customized and not something off the shelf at Lowe's on clearance.

Hi R.---This may have been sugested but just in case, you might find out whether or not your SIL's mother had any groups, like a church or something like Am Diabetes Association, etc, that she was a part of and donate that money to that group in her name.

Blessings to you and your family. D.

When my aunt died we sent deli trays made up by a local italian market. a few nice loaves of bread, salads, meats and sweets. it was very much appreciated. if someone got hungry they could just throw something together.

Look into a company called "Reflections" - I think they are a franchise but if not, there is one near me that ships. I met the woman who owns this at a couple of business networking events, and she really takes her work seriously. They make a variety of stained glass lamps starting at $35 and going up, and they have different designs. The woman near me (and maybe all) write a little verse for the occasion (you give them the info) and they put it in a small frame and deliver it with the table lamp. It's often done for funerals, and the lamps can be delivered to the funeral home or, in your case, to the family's home. They are done for other occasions too, like new baby and wedding. The idea of the verse is often along the lines of "every time you light this lamp, you will think of your loved one." You can see samples on line. If you can't find one near your home or theirs, let me know and I'll give you the info for the one near me. Shipping is shipping, no big deal, and it's very personal and lasting. I agree with you about flowers. They are wasted after a few days, and the dying/dead flowers can be more upsetting after a death anyway.

Other people plant a tree in the person's memory, but that can be tough during the winter, and you don't want to give the family something else to do.

a Memory candle. Mine is from the Comfort Candles series. Check online for the company. I have the "Daughter" candle, & I light it when I'm thinking of her. The candle is very attractive & is soothing to me......