What to Say When Grandmother Asks to Go Home

We blamed it on the doctor..."not until the doctor gives us the okay" That way it was the doctor's fault. She only saw him once a month or so and if she remembered took it up with him. We cued him in that we were putting the blame on him and he was fine with it. Most of the time she never remembered to ask him.

This is so hard, isn't it? I'm thinking that your mom should not say "You can't go home" but say something more like "When you get stronger and can get out of bed..." or "We'll talk to the doctors about that" or even "You can ask the doctor yourself next time you see him." You're not saying "no" but you're saying "not today" and you're indicating that you hear her. That may be a way of giving her "an answer" that really isn't one, and she may forget about it until the next time. I know that's frustrating, but it's better than ignoring her. "When you're stronger..." might work to encourage her to do any therapies that they are recommending for her. If her short term memory is not good, she may be confused about where she is - and there is also a sort of situational dementia that affects older people when they are removed from their homes. It happens all the time in hospitals even for short stays. So her memories of her home are more vivid, and she doesn't really know why she's in this nursing home. Obviously this will fall more on your mom's shoulders. She could also talk to the social workers in the nursing home for some advice.

I feel for you. We were in this situation with my grandmother.

I don't know whether this is good advice or not, but this is what we were advised by the social worker in the (very nice, upscale) nursing home she lived in.

The social worker said to answer these requests by saying "I wish we could have you at home now, but we can't until your doctors, nurses, physical therapist and social worker all agree that it's the best and safest option for you." We actually rehearsed saying it together so that we all said it the exact same way.

Hearing that seemed to give her some peace. Again. I'm not a medical professional, just a family member who wanted to be good, fair and honest with Grandma.

Well, we tell GmaIL that "she is in the hospital and the doctors will have to make that decision. she has to keep doing well, but can come visit our homes often." GmaIL is suffering alzhiemers (sp) and dimensia (sp), sadly she will never be in a place to "go home" either but she has been doing better than 6 or so months ago but she has her ups and downs. We are able to take her out for the day (even overnight if we want) and take her to lunch/nail salon/hair salon/home for gatherings or to just see the little ones, some days are difficult to get her to go back. Is your's able to get out for the day and do any of these things? It may ease her mind, esp if she is getting more clear she could be getting "cabin fever" as well. I really hope you are able to have a successful conversation with her on this topic w/out triggering a downward sprial.

I worked in many nursing homes over the years, and it is so sad when they ask to go home.
Because food seems to be a major event during the day in a nursing home, I would say "Let's have some lunch/dinner, then we can think about it" and usually after a good meal they forget about it.
This was with alzheimer patients though - it sounds like your G'ma is corpus mentus most of the time, so it may be a bit more difficult to put her off in this way.
I think white lies are ok, at this stage in a persons life - why upset them any more than you have to, you could say that the road is being worked on outside her house and you can't get to it, or there is some mold in there that you need to sort out first. I wouldn't say you can't go home, it is just way too much for a person.
Maybe if your mom can't go in each day, she could find a volunteer to visit daily - your g'ma may just need more stimulation.

The nursing home should have a counselor or someone along those lines. Ask, or rather suggest that your mom ask, that person what he or she recommends saying. The nursing home staff has to deal with that question all the time, so they must have some ideas for ways to answer it. I feel for you -- it's actually tougher if the person in the nursing home is mentally doing better and able to understand things most of the time, because then they realize they are not in their own home and they also realize they are the focus of a lot of care, which is upsetting to some older people who are very used to being independent. Do take advantage of any advice the staff can offer you.

We recently had to move my FIL to a nursing home due to rapidly declining health. He has pretty bad dementia and Alzheimer's Disease, and it's heartbreaking especially since he still has moments of lucidity. He asks to go home less often now, but my husband and his sisters and my MIL just repeat, "It's okay, Dad, you live here. Would you like to take a walk to get some exercise?" That's it. Simple and short. Then they try to distract him and soon he forgets that he asked to go home. It's harder on the days when it's stuck in his head for whatever reason, I think it's probably days when he's feeling worse than usual or his memory is better than usual. Yet it's not consistent. I'm starting to think that it's more about him asking to get up and get a change of scenery from his room (since he can't get up and walk around alone, he's a high fall risk).

They still can't call it "home" because to them it's just not home at all, and they're having a very difficult time accepting that he has to be there.

My suggestion is to keep it simple. Nothing elaborate. Don't refer to the nursing home as a hospital or she'll think she'll be able to go home. "We're not leaving Mom, this is home. How about we go visit your friends in the recreation room?" If she asks why, I think it's all right to let her know that where she lives has nurses that take care of her all day and night because it's safer for her there. Then again, once answered distract her.

First I'd find out if she is a good fit with the room-mate. Maybe there is the possibility of a change.

I'd continue to distract her when she asks. If she doesn't remember well you can even say, "I'll tell Mom." Then change the subject.

Maybe home is not an option right now... What do the doctors say about travel, day trips, etc.

MS is an awful disease. My grandmother has it and underneath their "condition" is someone who wants to do the things and see the things that they once could, and it is terribly unfair that they CAN'T. My grandmother would HATE being in a nursing home... I mean, I think she would literally be kicking and screaming about it. To her a nursing home is where people go to die... and she has so much life left to live!

So, it is understandable that your grandmother wants to go home! If she cannot go there, what CAN she do? Even going to town for an hour, or taking a drive may do wonders for her! Even the nicest of nursing homes feel like decorated hospitals, including food that isn't "quite" gourmet... and most of the residents spend most of their days sitting in a room... just waiting. People need engaging experiences and things to do (heck even washing dishes has its value...) Since she can't go out and do things by herself... try to take her out frequently. Caring for someone with MS is a lot of work... but for a short period of time a regular person with a little "training" can do it. So try to pull together your family (with the help of doctors and nurses) and figure out a way where she can spend this lucid time being a real "human" again... going places and doing things!

And as for her question... have your mom and her schedule a meeting with her doctors to discuss the situation. She may be confused... but she is still HER underneath the MS... Even an answer like "maybe in a month or two..." gives her some light at the end of the tunnel! I mean, how would you (or me or anyone) take it if you were stuck in her situation and you said, "can I go home?" and the answer was "No, you'll never be going home again..." Instead... have hope for her! Even though I don't want to sound naive... never underestimate the strength of the human spirit. She needs your family to see her as a person with a future, full of possibilities... even if it is hard to do!

Good Luck!
-M.

I would say something positive along the lines of "We are so happy to know you are here, being taken care of so well." Then add in any specifics you can of special nurses or friends.

Haven't read everyone's response, but I loved Kristi M's suggestion!! I'd go with that =o)

We had to put my FIL into a facility last year. He wasnt happy with it for the first few months. My MIL had to keep telling him that it was his new home, she has his room decorated up so it's homey for him, he finally quit asking to go home. No matter what, it's just sad to think ya might have to die in a facility one day instead of your own bed. I shudder to think about it. It's a shame that families arent what they used to be. Old people have become a burden rather than a cherished part of the family. I think America is probably one of the most guilty countries as far as senior care goes. We are all too busy making the almighty dollar and don't have time to take care of those that helped bring us into the world. Sad deal. Wish we could change the routine.

When my husband's grandmother was still alive, she lived for 10+years with his parents after she had had a pretty bad stroke that took most of her independence away (forgetful, needed a walker but too stubborn to use it, needed speech therapy, had a difficult time climbing in and out of the tub/shower, ect.). The last 18months she was alive my ILs had decided they could no longer care for her at home - even with a nurse coming by 3x/week as they were living in a 2 story house on a hill and had no room to "replace" her belongings downstairs (not to mention there was only a "powder room"/ half bath on the first floor).

So they put her in a nursing home. For what it was, it was a nice place. But she kept asking to come home. Eventually the responce was "When the doctors and social worker feel confident about you not falling on the stairs then we'll find a way for you to be home." This worked for us for a few reasons, namely she HATED using a walker and she HATED the physical therapy.

I will say that sadly she deteriorated, but she had been starting to get worse the year before my ILs gave up caring for her. (the last few months Gma was living with them, FIL practically had to carry her up the 13 steps to the bedrooms every night and he was in his late 60s at the time! and Gma refused to stay in her room all day long.) But there was still about 18 months that she lived at the nursing home getting almost daily visits from us family who lived close by. In the end, she passed away by herself in the early morning hours.

hope you find something that works for you! Its very tough!

This is such a controversial answer because some experts have different opinions on what is best for the patient. I had a great-grandfather, a great-aunt, and towards the end of my grandfather's battle with pancreatic cancer he suffered from dementia maybe even alzeimhers but at that point I think the doctor's knew he was dying so didn't really care to give a "diagnosis" of such.
Anyways three family members that basically suffered from alzeimhers and they weren't aware or confused a lot towards the end. My great grandfather would think that my sister was my mom at her age. At times he thought my mom was his daughter. Anyways some say NOT to lie or ignore but simply tell them the truth. Some say you should just ignore and change the subject. If you tell her she can't go home -how do you explain that to her? Maybe an approach of Well this is your home now-you are at home. If she continues to press let her know that she is ill and needs 24 hour care by her side. Does she understand her medical condition or is this just something that developed afterwards?
I don't like nursing homes although sometimes I understand and know some families have no choice. My grandfather was brought home and the family took turns caring for him in his last days. My grandmother is 83 years old and was sufficient enough to stay on her own mainly because she has really bad tremors so family rotates in her care. I'm afraid that is changing though and just within the past couple of weeks.....but our family has made a commitment to her and promised my grandfather we wouldn't allow her into a nursing home. She is very lucky but this is possible only because my grandfather worked very hard for his money and saved so that they both could have that option. She doesn't trust anyone else in the home so it's alot to take on and all members have to participate but I would rather her die in her home that her husband also passed in as well-I know she would want it that way. She is sharp as a whip though-hasn't lost any of that -its just her health she has lost. Not everyone is this lucky and if it got to a certain point then the family would have to decide what to do-but my mom made a promise to her dying father and I think she would quit her job before she even thought about putting her mom in a nursing home and she has the money to pay someone to come in-my grandfather made sure of that. Each situation is different and nursing homes I think for the most part are a good thing but it's almost like a death sentence too in the eyes of an older person. Maybe if you approached it more of a "hospital" type environment because she is "sick" she would handle it better? I don't know you have to decide what is best for her and each person is different. What you can say to one person might be okay whereas another person it just might send them over the edge. ;()(

Talk to the doctor or the nurses. They have had this question asked a thousand times and they know all the good answers.