"What to Tell My Aunt Re: Visiting My Mom, Who No Longer Knows Anyone

I went to see my aunt when we were traveling through Wyoming. Her daughter told me she didn't know who anyone was very often and she didn't want me to be disappointed. I wanted to see her one last time regardless of the outcome.

When I went in she looked up at me and started talking just like we had talked years ago. She knew me, even talked to my new husband and asked him rational questions.

After we left she was back to where she was before we came. It was like a gift to her daughter, it was the last time she was lucid at all.

My last memory of her was good. I think it would be so sad to go all the time and see the stages and the loss. I am sorry for any family that has to go through this. I would let her know how much you appreciate it and tell her you know how hard the trip is, ask her if she still wants to come or let it go.

You know, even if your mother no longer recognizes those who were HUGE parts of her life, I'd still encourage the visits. Your aunt doesn't have to try to make her remember that she is her sister--just be friendly & visit. Those with dementia are so often just abandoned to their condition (not saying that you are doing this at all, but it happens when visits fall off.) Chit-chat is great for them! They don't have to reminisce--just talk about the weather--pleasantries. True the visitor won't "get" much out of the conversation, but it DOES make a different to the afflicted person.

I worked as a volunteer in a nursing home from the time I was 8 all the way through high school. My grandpa had a strong mind but Parkinsons, and my grandma had a strong body but dementia. No matter what, we ALWAYS came to visit her--she didn't remember us at all in the final years, but she'd smile, carry on a simple conversation, and have a good time.

I wouldn't assume your aunt's intentions asking about how a visit might go. I'd just tell her that your mom still loves company (if this is true--some afflicted persons get quite combative due to their dementia), and her day is brightened when people come.

Your Aunt is a smart woman, right? She knows what dementia is. Maybe she was just asking you how the visit went so she could prepare herself. I would just tell her exactly what you told us. "I don't know if she will know who you are."
L.

leave it up to her....even if your mom doesn't recognize/know her it can still make D feel good to go. D can still get something out of the relationship even if your mom doesn't.

My son just erased my entire answer... too tired to retype it all!

We visited with my great grandmother who had no clue who we were! But she was such a peach and so sweet, she loved just telling us stories and hearing about our kids and stuff. We brought her something fun for her to do while we visited (she loved card games) and made sure the staff was taking care of her needs.

In a nutshell, she can go to ease her loneliness, bring her some snacks or lotion or shampoo, flowers... tell your aunt that your mom will likely not remember her, but give her some pointers on how to make the visit smooth. Just chat and talk about things your mom likes to talk about, crossword puzzles, tv show, knitting, weather... Leigh made a good point about the visiting not just for your mom, but your aunt's sake. You don't have to give her permission or talk to her about going or not going. That is a very personal decision for her.

You don't have to make this choice, and really you shouldn't. Let your aunt decide for herself. She might want to go anyway, regardless of whether your mom knows her.

I'm sorry your mom no longer recognizes folks. But I am glad for your family that she is in such a great environment and has so much wonderful attention.

Remember, the idea of visiting your mom, for D, is at least partly for D's sake and not your mom's. D needs to see her, maybe for some personal closure. I have seen people visit folks who had dementia and the visit was as much if not more for the person doing the visiting as for the patient being visited. Also, remember that D may be pretty scared -- though she might never say so -- to see your mom; it will be sad and frightening for D, on some level, to see someone she has known her whole life who is essentially changed so profoundly.

You might gently tell D, "If you want to visit mom, that is wonderful of you. It means a lot to me that you want to see her. But if you decide not to see her again, I also really do understand and she would understand that too. Either choice is fine with me, and I want you to know you it's perfectly OK if you do want to come, or if you don't. This can be a tough time for her friends and family.

"I do want you to know, before you see her, that she very likely won't know who you are anymore. That's not the real her; that's the dementia and the medications, but it's how things are, and I am concerned that it will be painful for you to see her when she can't really interact with you like she used to, and may not even know you. But I understand that you might want to see her and just spend some time with her, just as she is now. If you want to visit and would like me to come along just for support I'd be very happy to do that. I can come into the room with you both, or just wait outside while you have your visit. I know that if she knew you were visiting she would be happy to see you."

I hope that helps some. I feel for her -- it's difficult for older folks to see relatives and friends growing weaker or developing dementia. I've seen it a lot among my late mom's friends and our relatives.

It's not your place to "fix" their relationship and certainly not up to you whether she goes to see her or not - why stress over it? If you want to offer to go along, do, but the only person you have control over is YOU!! If she asks for information, give the "nut" version - short and sweet - and if she has questions or wants more, she'll ask and you can certainly tell her.

I would leave it up to her if she decides to go or not but maybe mention that if she decides not to go, for whatever reason, that you completely understand and that its ok. Good luck.

It sounds like you've got it all worked out-- I just wanted to add a quick story.

I Used to work as a CNA at a nursing home and we had one very sweet lady with Alzheimer's. I'll never forget her standing with her nose pressed to the window Literally jumping up and down like a little kid watching her daughter come up the walk, absolutely crowing with delight "I don't know her name but she's coming to see ME!!!! She's coming to see me!!!"

A lot of t imes even when they don't know you, they know you!

I think if your aunt wants to see your mom, it should be up to her to do so regardless of how far she travels. Surely she understands dementia and the possibility that your mother may not know her when she sees her. On one hand, it can be painful to experience that, but even if your mother doesn't know your aunt is there.....your aunt will know. She may not be able to get past the regret if she didn't go see her when she had a chance.

My father in law had alzheimer's and came to live with us after my mother in law died. He rarely spoke more than a word or two. He would sit for hours looking at the same page of the newspaper and I would talk to him as if he understood me, as if he heard me and was somehow processing what I was saying.
One evening, I was folding laundry on the couch, he was in his chair close-by. A commercial for something came on and there was the Statue of Liberty....I said, "I would so love to get to see her".
Just out of the blue, he said, "I got to see her". I was kind of shocked.
I said, "You did?"
He then started telling me about the time he was in New York on his way to Europe when he was in the military during the war. He and some of the guys found a wonderful diner and had one of the best meals he ever had and then they went to see the Statue of Liberty.
My husband came down the hall from our office and could not believe his ears. In his whole life, his dad had never told him any of that.
Then, the moment was over almost as quickly as it had begun. When he was done talking about it, he was done. And, he never mentioned it again. But, what a treat to have heard him so eloquently speak of what was obviously a very fond memory.
In the days and years that followed, I continued to talk to him just like I always had hoping that maybe something would trigger another memory that he would share.
I guess my point is that with dementia, sometimes you just never know what is and isn't there.
Even if your mom doesn't recognize your aunt, your aunt will recognize her and be able to tell her that she cares.

Other people visit your mom. I don't think you should tell your aunt that she can't visit as well. Let her know that your mom's memory and ability to communicate have declined, then leave the decision up to your aunt.

These things are never easy.
My thoughts are with your family.

Remember that your mom and your aunt were sisters all their lives. They have had their own complex relationship for a very long time. Your aunt's decisions regarding visiting or not are for her to deal with. You're off the hook here. It would be kind of you to offer to go with her. Let your family members each make their own decision, which it sounds like you're fine with. You don't have to stage manage for them. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

We are going through something similar with my grandfather. He has Alzheimers and currently due to his gallbladder and low white blood cell count he has pretty much gone off into his own world. My brother on Thanksgiving went to see him for the first time in at least 6 months.

He was so shocked to see him that he actually had to leave immediately it upset him so much. We were honest with my brother and said "he sees us all the time, and doesn't know who we are, don't be surprised if he doesn't know you, talk to you or even look at you"...

There really is no tackful way of telling someone that it might not go well. I would be honest with her and say "You had an ok visit last time, I'm suspecting that it will not be any better than that, and it's ok if you would rather not come, I understand". For some people it's too hard to say no to a visit, they think it will make them look heartless or without compassion. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish. Goodness knows there are many days I don't want to go see grandpa, but it brightens granny's day when I show up. All in all I'm really there just to see her. Grandpa has no idea who I am and he is no longer the grandpa I know. I like to think (maybe to ease my own guilt) that he would understand and is ok with that.

Good luck.

This is something she has to decide. You can't give her permission and you can give her demands. She has to decide when she's had enough. What the last memories of her sister will be.