What Was Your Mom's Life Like?

Interesting question! My mom stayed at home for most of my childhood (until I was in middle school). Yes, our house was always spotless, and she baked all of our bread and had a beautiful kitchen garden. She also sewed my clothes (though at the time I wished she wouldn't!). However, to this day she thinks the term "stay at home mom" is idiotic, because as she says, "My world didn't revolve around YOU! My job was to keep a nice home for our family." She tells people she was a Homemaker during those years. She loved it, and now that she has retired (she taught 6th grade from when I was in middle school until last year), she is once again a Homemaker. My dad did work long hours, though I remember that he did help me with homework assignments, he'd take me to the library, or out to ride bikes, or to play basketball together. He was definitely not an absentee dad or husband, but he definitely didn't help with cooking or cleaning either (and still doesn't to this day, mostly because he's never had to).

My mom (who, by the way, taught middle school for the past 20+ years, got me into an elite girls' school for high school on a full ride scholarship, and then an almost-full ride to an Ivy League college, so she knows of what she speaks) is sharply critical of the trend toward mothers doing everything for their kids. She feels that children can and should help around the house, entertain themselves for a reasonable period of time, and should not be over-scheduled with after school activities. She also believes that children need to understand that they are NOT the center of the family, but rather that the parents are the center of the family, and the kids orbit around the parents. In other words, the parents have to have a solid foundation and be happy with how life is going, before the kids can have any kind of healthy, happy home life.

Looking back on my childhood, I was happy and safe and supported, and did well for myself in school and now in my career, so I have tried to take my mom's advice as much as possible. (It worked, right?) =)

I've asked a lot from my mom and MIL what it was like. Here's my conclusion; they've forgotten how hard it was. My mother and MIL had associates degrees and had low pressure jobs for a brief time before taking off work to raise kids. They didn't complain much about how hard it was because they just assumed their new job without comparing it to higher education and a demanding career. Little did they know that what they were taking on was every bit as challenging, if not more. They did it all themselves, including making clothes, ironing the families clothes, and making food from scratch because there was no Costco rotisserie chicken and a premade salad in a bag. Their houses weren't perfect, but looked better than mine does (if memory serves). Husbands weren't helpful, mine also did tons of volunteer church work and one of them had a husband overseas in Vietnam. I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT, and yes, they were both happy! Bottom line, they had different expectations, and hard work was what they grew up seeing and what they expected to do. I also think that their generation didn't interact with their children quite the way we do now. I think modern moms put more focus on playing and interacting with their kids and let the house suffer. I also think modern moms expect more "me" time than our mothers ever did. What your MILs don't realize is they are breaking rule # 1: Don't interfere. I'm blessed to have a mom and MIL who don't interfere. I have no words of wisdom how to politely tell them to "shove it".

My mom was a SAHM of 5 kids. The house was NEVER clean. It was often cluttered...I mean really, how are you supposed to clean up after so many kids? She did not do everything for us. As we got older we were in charge of our own laundry(around 13 or 14) and we each had an area of the house we were in charge of (living room, bathroom, kitchen ect) that got cleaned once a week. Kids did dishes as we got older as well. Trash taken out, recycle, weed pulling, grass cutting. Geesh, now that I think about it, we did a lot! BUT, so did my mom.
Can you imagine how many kids she needed to get to soccer practice, jazz band, fencing, baseball..ect? I do not know if she socialized with other moms. I don't think so. Who has the time? She may have met up with other mamas at parks or church, but I don't remember her ever going out specifically to meet other friends, no children. She tried desperately not to take us to the grocery store. My dad did the costco runs on the weekend and the grocery shopping. He worked out of the home so wasn't there to help during the day, but was there in the evening to help shuttle kids to and from various activities.
I don't know if my mom was "miserable", but I do know that she is on anti-depressants. But, she needed to be on those BEFORE she got married and had kids.
How does she compare? I haven't really asked her! I know she thinks I am a great mom...but it wouldn't really matter. If YOU think you are a damn fine mama then you are! Don't worry about what your MIL's think, they are not living your life. If YOU are happy, your husband's happy and your kids are happy...then whatever you are doing is working!
L.

My mom was a sahm until we each reached school age.
I'll give you the short version...
There were 3 kids (im the youngest) and yes our house was always clean. We lived on a farm, and were able to be send outside to play while she cleaned...we didn't need parks, and had no neighbors close by. My older brothers would watch me, and she would communicate with the older ones. We were also self sufficient enough to be able to stay outside all day on the weekends so she coudl clean. Don't get me wrong we had a ton of chores too. Dad did help, and worked where we lived..although he worked 12+ hours. My mom did a lot for the family, but I wouldn't say everything. We always went with her when she shopped. She got us involved in music, potery, ceramics, painting, cake decorating, etc.
Now down to the important things....
My mom lied about a lot of things, to a lot of people. She was horribly mean to me in the last 2 years of her life and did some pretty down right despicable things. I can tell you she didn't agree with the little parenting she saw, but didn't actually tell me to my face. She passed away 8 months after I gave birth.
Was she miserable....probably a lot longer then she let on. The problem was, the last year of her life it all came out, and it made me feel as though a big chunk of my life was fake. So the memories I have of my mom from when I was very little were good....from about ages 13-27...not so good (it was a roller coaster). I love her...but I never want to be like her.
What I have learned as a mom is that I am my own person. If I want to complain about carting my kid around for a day or errands I will. If my house is messy because she's dumped her toy box out, ran off with her cherrios, and I still need to get her in the bath, get myself ready and be out of the house for something in less then 20 minutes...so be it. My MIL is great (although she has her days, lol), but she has made comments about cleaning, working, running errands, etc, and I simply don't care. She's not in my life with my kid...and trust me she only gets *tastes* of it when she keeps her over night. ;)
Anytime my MIL (or FIL!) pipes up about how I have it "easy" I just say..."yup! tell me how you guys fought off all those dinosuars and raised kids?" or something to that effect (I have a million of them). heheh luckily they get my sarcasm. Keep being yourself, and don't worry about comparisons. =)

The expectations were totally different for them.
When THEY were growing up, they probably plucked a chicken from the family coop for their evening meal. They might have had only one car, if they had one. When their mom went grocery shopping, it was probably for sugar, flour and salt.
SO, when they were finally adults, they got married, had kids and ironed everything, and did all the laundry and hung it out to dry. And washed glass bottles. And washed cloth diapers (not used a diaper service). They made cookies from scratch....along with everything else. Recipes were simple fare--nobody was trying to impress the PTA (well--- now they call them PTOs, lol) or the local moms group--because there was no moms group. They didn't have time for "me time". Their kids (us) played outside until dark. And couldn't be found most of the day on Saturdays. Which is when she caught up on laundry and vacuuming and mopping and washing the drapes. Or maybe took a nap while Dad read the paper.

It was different for them. Just like it will be different for your kids one day. Too bad they aren't wise enough to realize that different doesn't mean better or worse. Just .. well... different.
;)

My mother was phenomonal. My dad left when I was 6 yrs old. At that time, my grandmother passed and my mom took the responsibility of raising my cousin (8 months younger than myself). Life was a struggle, but us kids never knew it. The house was always spotless. We had home cooked meals everday. Sunday dinner was made by 12pm. She was a SAHM partially because she was used to my father handling all of the finances. But, she always made sure that we were happy. We never went without. I learned my independence and pride from her, most definately. So now, I myself am a single mom of 2 children. I always put my kids first and make sure that they are well taken care of. Do I think about how it would be if I had a husband/boyfriend? Of course!! But thay wasn't the way my cards were dealt and I'm still doing what I need to do. With that being said, your MIL's are entitled to their opinions, but until they walk a mile in your shoes, their opinions shouldn't bother you at all. Everyone has different was of parenting and everyone always has something to say, whether it be positive or negative. Do what you have to do for your kids. as long as their in the front of your mind and the depth of your heart, you will always be alright. :)

My mom was a teacher before she had me and my brother and then she became a stay at home mom. My dad was a pharmacist. She is a great mom. Planned outings everyday during summer, rode bikes with us, had friends over, did craft projects and had a ton of energy. My parents divorced when I was 13 and she went back to work. We are still very close. She lives right behind me! And in fact she is in my kitchen right now cooking dinner for us. She loves to cook! She will retire next year from teaching. She still has lots of energy and has already started planning summer activities. I have 3 daughters and she is always complimenting me on what a great, loving and patient mother I am. She does not think she was as patient as a mother but I think she was. I just wish I had her energy!

My mom was a very hard woman to try to emulate. She died when i was 8 after many heart surgeries. She kept a very clean house, sewed most of our clothes, never yelled, held two jobs as well as a paying hobby. At that time my dad was not a prize, but she made everything seem perfect. After she died our walls came crashing down. It was amazing how much she did, and with what grace she was able to do it.

my mom worked. she is a lawyer. she didn't like and was not happy even during maternity leave. she tells a joke nowadays saying she always called her boss asking him if she can stop the maternity leave and go back to work. i am a stay at home mom. she doesn't agree with my decision, but loves the fact that her grandkids are being raised by me. which means she is conflicted, she couldn't do what i am doing, but she wishes i had a job. my dad's schedule was flexible so it isn't like we were dumped at a babysitter's or something. it just worked for them. i don't feel judged. i know what's best for my kids, not necessarily for me, but the day i had kids, i became less important. it is my decision.

My mom was a stay at home mom, and no she did not always clean, when we were little our home was clean and clutter free, I;m the middle child of 5 and by the time i was in junior high and high school, something change, my mom was not happy, and she didn't do much around the house, she cooked and did laundry, she did socialize with other moms on our block, the only time we went to the paek was as a family for Easter, $th of July things like that, my dad was in the Military and gone a lot he fought in the Korean and the veitnaum war, and my mom raised us alot by herself.. My parents were disiplinarians which was a good thing, parents are scared to discipline these days, my kids are 27, 24, and 22 and we disciplined and we have 3 great grown children. I lost my mom in 204. What;s funny is my grandmother was happy, kept a nice home, she did quilting, sewing, needle point, and my mom could not sew a stitch. As far as your in laws go they will always have an opinion, listen to what they have to say, you really won't know if you are doing things right till you have the finished results, which is grown children, but there are way to know a little, how they behave ay home, do they use the potty, stay in their own beds, breahables are not in danger when your kids are around, how they sit at the dinner tablem how they behave out in public. Hope this helps. J.

According to every other mom, you will always be doing something wrong. If you are happy with how you are with the children, let it all go. You are a mom first, worker second, and a housekeeper third. Who cares if your house gets cluttered from time to time? Hell, who cares if it is cluttered all the time? At the end of the day, if your children know you love them, and they love you, who cares about everything else?
My mom was a stay at home mom for a while until she went back to teaching. The house did get a bit messy at times, but that happens with three kids. Even when she did work, I always remember knowing my mom loved me and I always remember spending time with her.
Let your MIL's give their two cents, but take it with a grain of salt. Do it your way because everyone has their own.

My mom split with my dad because he bored her, chose to be a single parent, worked, and wasn't particularly involved with her kids. Even when she lived on alimony for a few years, her kids essentially lived at other families' houses while she had boyfriends and went to bars. She was overly critical and not particularly touchy-feely. It was all normal to me then, but once I had kids of my own, I realized that I would look upon a mother like her as a terrible mother, and I would feel bad for her kids. I realized then why other families had taken me and my brother in.

Your MILs are pain-in-the-butts because that's the type of people they are. Don't over-glamorize bio-moms, because they are not all innately good. Maybe yours was, or would have been a good grandma, and you feel that loss.

Don't wonder where the hostile pressure is coming from -- I can tell you right now it is coming from their bitc*hy personalities, so stop over-analyzing it, or thinking you are imagining it. You know when someone is nice, and accepting, and non-judgmental.

Our house was clean, yes. The other stuff, not so much. My dad - I barely ever saw him. My mother compares today's parenting (lack of discipline, in her eyes) to the way she parented negatively, because she is generally a negative person, not because she is particularly perceptive or correct.

It's all a matter of personalities -- it has nothing to do with "today's style" vs. "yesterday's style."

Well I think you are definitely receiving too much pressure from your MILs! You sound very attentive to your children. If your kids and hubby are happy, and you are happy, then I say you are doing it right!

My mom was a SAHM until I turned 13. That is when my parents divorced and my mom had to go back to work. It put a lot of pressure on her as well as me to make sure my brother, who was 5 years younger, got off the bus and had his homework completed. Before my parents divorced, my mom did have a spotless house. She made all our meals, did our laundry and made the beds - kid of like the TV shows from the 50s! When she had to go back to work, she still kept the house neat, but with our help. She is remarried and retired now, but to this day her floors are always clean and the kitchen spotless. When she comes to visit, she understands the mess from the kids. She gets my kids to clean up and keep their rooms neat while she is here. She loves to cook and my kitchen is always spotless thanks to her! I feel like I am on vacation when she comes to visit! I am a SAHM and do my best and that is what counts and my mom knows it. I never expect or ask my mom to do what she does when she visits, it is just her nature. She helped me when my dad passed away and I never saw my house cleaner and I had a ton of people in and out.

I think you should have a talk with the MILs. As them to keep their comments, unless helpful, to themselves. It will make for much better family get togethers!

Hope this helps!

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i can relate to you in many ways. i lost my mom when i was 10, and while i love my MIL and step-mom, nothing really takes the place of mom. fortunately as an adult i've discovered a warm, amazing relationship with mom's much-younger sister, who is now not so much a mom-sub as a best friend. but i think we always want a warm snuggly wonderful mom relationship, don't we?
naturally my memories of my mother are tinged with nostalgia, but from what other people tell me they're pretty accurate. she LOVED being pregnant and being a SAHM (5 kids), and wasn't particularly interested in housework. the place was generally clean (probably due to having once-a-week maid service) but always chaotic. one of my favorite memories of her is sitting (pregnant) under an umbrella in the backyard, serenely reading while all around her is a maelstrom of shouting, playing, fighting, screaming, tumbling children. she rarely played with us, and never helped with homework. it didn't seem mean, it was just how parenting was back then. and she certainly had her own friends and enjoyed time with them, solo and with kids. we had chores and were expected to be self-sufficient and rely on each other a lot, which we did (and still do.) but she was always there for us. and she turned into an angry wasp at any threat to any of us. i think she was an exemplary mom. i sure wish she could have known her grandsons.
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khairete
S.

we were the oddballs in our neighborhood.....my mom was one of the few who worked full-time outside of the home! She did this because her income supported our lake house....which we ran away to 75% of the year.

My sis & I were very fortunate to have a multi-generational family. Our gr-gpa lived across the street, our grparents lived 2 houses down from him, & our other gr-gpa lived 2 blocks down. We grew up in the neighborhd where my dad grew up....so a lot of the neighbors knew our whole family. The few young families were our support system, too.....helping with childcare if all of the grparents were busy.

We left the city on Friday night & returned - usually late on Sunday. To accommodate this schedule, my sis & I had responsibility for most of the housekeeping, laundry, & cooking. I was about 10 when I took over the dinner cooking...until then my dad handled it. Mom did the mopping & finished out the laundry each night.

Laundry was started on Sunday nights, finished on Monday. Started again on Wed, finished on Thursday....& we were packed again by bedtime Thursday night. In between all of this, my sis & I both did Scouts!

Dad did the shopping most weeks, & all of the yardwork/car & boat maintenance. He also remodeled our entire house during the winter months of my childhood. Until I was 15, he was home by 3:30 & then gone again some evenings.....but that covered our afterschool care. The cleaning schedule was afterschool/before dinner.....after all homework.

Looking back, it was not a "Leave it to Beaver" childhood! But we loved our lake home. My parents bought the property when I was 6. Beginning with a fully-wooded lot, they built the home from the ground up.....weekend after weekend! My sis & I had chores at the lake, too....but spent most days roaming the lake community with our friends - friends from the city + locals.

Soooo, in answer to your ?.....both our city & lake homes were clean. At the beginning/end of each week, we'd have our traveling pile-up waiting to be loaded....but the rest of both homes were kept CLEAN. We even mopped each Sunday before leaving the lake! For my Mom, her downtime was the 2+ hours on the road Friday/Sunday night. Most evenings she napped between dinner & 7pm.....then she'd be up & moving again....... wow!

Wears me out just thinkin' about it all...... By contrast, I have an inhome daycare. I care for children 10-11 hours each day....& still do activities most evenings with my son. The house has to be kept clean, but it too is cluttered! My daycare families know that the house is clean.....& they know to expect stacks of books/toys/paperwork/etc. Their homes are all in the same shape, but not always clean.....by their own admission! Crazy lives we lead....!

Before I get to your real question I wanted to say this...MILs are stressful. Period. I had a good relationship with mine...and then I had kids. Ugh. Anyway, my point is that I feel for you that your own mom is gone, b/c sometimes that is the only way I can survive the "torment" from my MIL! My mom understands me and I understand her in a way that no one else can. My mom always centers me and calms me down. I'm sorry that you don't have that but I would find a trusted friend that you can rely on to bring you back into reality when you need it!

My mom worked but she didn't have help from my dad much at all and she was responsible for all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry too. Remembering back I feel like our house was spotless and she was always on top of things, but talking to her now, she totally just laughs and reveals that there were many a day when she didn't have it all together. I think as long as things are mostly clean and your children know they are loved, then you're doing great!

There are 5 kids in my family, and we are each less than 2 years apart from the next. My mom stayed home with us and my dad was in the army. I honestly don't remember if our house was super clean and organized--I doubt it was, and my dad tells me there's no way in hell that it was spotless. My mom has the most immaculate house now because it's just her and my little brother left, so that's the only way I picture my mom living haha...we rarely went on outings, we just played outside all day and came in for meals and bedtime. I had an awesome childhood, and we never had playdates or adventures where we got in the car for anything. My dad was deployed to China a LOT when i was little, so my mom flew solo and she says she absolutely loved it. She absolutely did not spend all day entertaining us because she had stuff to do--and as a result, we never got bored because we learned how to entertain ourselves. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my dad left our lives, but the 5 of us are still extremely close to eachother and with our mom. We all live within 30 minutes of each other and talk on the phone every single day. My mom thinks mothers over parent now, and stress too much about little things. She has a very relaxed approach and I strive to be like her and just let little things go and just focus on being happy with my family.

I lived with my parents until I was 10. Mom was a sahm & Dad worked 16+ hour days, his own business. Yes, the house was always spotless, but more because my sister and I had our chores & lots of them. I do remember her stripping & waxing the hardwood, herself... lots of yard work, gardens etc. She had friends, two neighbors & her BF, until we moved to a very remote island, where none of us had anyone. She spent alot of time with my Dads mom, a rather grumpy, old & senile woman, who was very family oriented.. They played alot of cards. We never went to the park, more it was get outside & play. She never liked that my Dad was a "workaholic", I dont blame her, she was rather young (early 20's to early 30's) She sewed & knit all our clothes, cut & permed our hair.. and when it got to be too much, spent ALOT of time in the psych ward, shock therapy etc. My sister picked up alot of the parenting when my mom had her "crazy moments". My opinion, the whole situation, was often too much for her. She was new to Canada (from NZ & forced to come here) and that was a problem. Then she was an unwed mother (my sister) & then met my Dad (abusive) She maintains that she did her best, which I do believe. I dont really think motherhood made her happy, maybe in this day & age it would have been better, with supports etc, I dont know...

Hi there! OK I think it's a MIL thing. Seriously. And I am sorry that your mom passed before you had your kids, I imagine it would have been a whole different relationship with her compared to your MILs. My experience with my MIL is also not ideal. I always feel like she doesn't think there's any reason for me to do things the way I do and that she's judging me for not doing things the way she thinks she did them. I personally think that she doesn't remember everything accurately about her child raising years since they were 50 years ago (my husband's sister is 51)! But yes she was a stay at home Mom.

My mother, on the other hand, is a God send. SHe is an unbelievable help and never criticizes me - only offers advice if I ask for it and otherwise phrases things like "I think when I was in that situation I used to...." rather than "you should do this". She is my biggest source of support and always tells me what a good job I am doing and that I work too hard to support my family (I work full time outside the home and am the primary breadwinner).

She was an awesome Mom - she was a stay at home Mom when we were young and she took great care of me & my siblings, brought us to swimming lessons in the summer, softball/little league when we were older, to the library every week to get books as we started getting interested in reading. She always was looking out for us but our house was far from clean. My Dad did nothing except work full time (just full time, seriously like 7-4 (a desk job, not manual labor or anything) with a 10 minute commute) and that exhausted him so much that he couldn't help with anything around the house - my Mom did everything form mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, shopping, painting the house, you name it she did it. Our neighborhood was full of kids and she was friendly with the other Moms but not like best friends.

Looking back, she was happy being with and taking care of her kids but at least initially very sad about being in another state away from her family as my father & her moved away from her family when she had me for my fathers job in another state. So she was lonely when I was young but then when we were involved in school and stuff (and I had siblings) she was happy.

In short, she knows that things have changed since she was parenting and tries to offer her best advice but is never intrusive. She's the best.

You sound like you are a great Mom! Don't let them get you down...