What Would You Do - Las Cruces,NM

I personally could never see giving up my son. I am married and grateful for that but since my son was born I have enjoyed every moment with him and would have it no other way. Talk with family and see if there is anything they are willing to do to help you out. Don't give up, you can make it work!!!

A.,

My heart goes out to you and the situation that you are in. You have many decisions to make for yourself and your baby. I saw that someone suggested adoption and I know from experience that the decision to give up your child is a heartrenching one. I did not give up a child, but I have adopted a beautiful little boy. I know his birthmother and have watched her go through the grieving and healing process of giving up her son. We have an open adoption and she still gets to see him and hear from us about what is going on in his life. Our sons birthmother is doing well now and is grateful that he has a stable happy home with two parents and a brother. She knew that she could not give him those things with the choices she had made in her life. We will always keep in touch with her and our prayers are always with her and her son will know that she loves him and know who she is. I don't suggest adoption lightly, I know that it comes at great sacrifice for the birthmother. Also I don't know all of the circumstances in your life and I would not presume to judge you and your abilities. Obviously you already love your son very much. I would suggest, as you probably have already done, that you carefully think of what life will be like for you and your son as a single parent family and really consider if you are up to the challenge and have the support you need and if that is what you want for your precious little one. There are many avenues of support and counsel for your situation and it looks as though many have given sources for that help. I pray all goes well with you and wish you and your son the very best in life

I am sorry you feel so alone. That must be pretty scary. What I am about to say may sound really hard but I believe it with all my heart. Every child that comes to this earth deserves to come to a loving, stable home with a mom AND a dad who are married. If this is not the home you have, I truly feel you should look into giving your child up for adoption. It is the most selfless, loving, difficult thing you may ever do. What is the most important thing is what is in the best interest of the child. Even though it may hurt immensely to give him/her up, down the road you will feel so happy about what kind of life you gave that child. Best wishes to you and baby.

DUMP the Bas+@#$!!! He fooled around with you on her!! Don't you think he will then ( if you get together) fool around on you! Men think about sex every 58 seconds or so, He could be with 5 others for all you or she knows.
I also had a child in the same situation as yours, I dumped him and am well off for it, I found a wonderful man 2 years after my child was born and we have been married for 37 yrs.
Go for it girl, you have nothing to lose except heartache!!!!!
C. M.

I would never let them take him and I don't think that once he is here that you will either. It doesn't sound like the baby needs to be around that guy either. (or some strange woman you don't know) He will just need you and your love. You will do it for the little one and in time find someone that can really care for the both of you. To many crazy things happen in this world, just protect and love him. Find strength in those you know and can really trust.

A., my heart goes out to you. I know you are in a difficult time in your life right now. Of course I (or any other person) will not have all the correct answers, but God will. Some helpful resources for you, even if you just need to have someone to talk to is the Pregnancy Crisis Center.
Crisis Pregnancy Center
1818 E Southern Ave Suite 13A
Mesa, AZ 85204
Phone: ###-###-####
They are trained professionals and will not only help answer your questions, but they will give emotional support.
Take care, you and your sweet baby will be in my prayers :)
S.

Bfore you allow him to take the baby over night you need to make sure there is a court order in place between you two. THe child should not do an overnight stay the child should be at least 2 to 3 months old due to breast feeding and be on a schedule. TTHis is a hard time trust me but with a child that is strickly on brest not bottle with brest milk the child is allowed to stay in mothers care until the child is on bottle or food. THe hardest thing is you need to meet this other woman and make sure you can trust her with your child. make sure prior to any partening time you have a court order...... Otherwise he has all rights to the baby and even if you agree on the phone that it is one night he can keep the baby for however long he wants to. Due to not being married you do not have to put him on the birth certificate at the time of birth. I would like to give you other advise on how to handle this please call me at ###-###-#### and we can talk further on what you should do to protect yourself and your son.

A. C

I know how it can be to go through a pregnancy alone. I went through my entire pregnancy with no support from the dad. The first thing I want to stay is make sure you have some support, from family, or friends. You will really need the support through the pregnancy and once the baby is here. And try to stay positive as you can. Your moods can affect the baby even in utero. If he is not going to be there for the birth, and you need to face this possibility, make sure you have someone there with you. I had my mom and sisters with me for the birth of my son, and two women midwives. The all women birth was the most incredible thing for everyone there. I wouldn't change a thing.

To your question. It depends on how comfortable you feel. And how you plan on feeding the baby. The courts in NM say supervised visitation for the first six months. If the baby is breastfed then only one hour away from you after six months till 1 year. And slightly longer amounts of time say two hours and working up after one year. You can push the overnight visit until two years, and some judges even say three.

I wish you all the best of luck with your pregnancy and after.

If I were in this situation, I would consider giving the child up for adpotion. The child will have a better life with a dedicated father and mother. At twenty you still have a lot of life to live and some maturing to do. Good luck whatever happens.

A.,

You do whatever your heart tells you. You need to be true to yourself. My best friend went through the very same situation as you. Keep your head up and if you need anyone to talk to, Im here. Im a young mom too. My kids are 4 and 5. A boy and girl. Im truly blessed and you will be too. Your main priority should be the birth of your baby and your fast recovery.

Good Luck !! And take my advice, get the epidural !! lol =)
Its a lifesaver.

-C.

get a lawyer and make sure that he pays his share of the bills and spends time with your child!

make sure that you get a custody plan and child support!

Be smart!! kids are expensive!

If you are worried I would get a custody agreement and then there will be no worries. Going back and forth seems to be his style. He might be with you for a while but nothing is guaranteed. If there is no custody agreement, he can take the child whenever and wherever he wants because he is the father. Kinda scary. Best of luck. Many people do this on there own. Take care of yourself and your baby first.
Best of Luck
kat

My heart goes out to you. I would recommend you take advantage of a wonderful FREE service called Healthy Families. It is a program that pregnant moms (or moms of a 3 month old or younger baby)can participate in. You would be assigned a family support specialist that would come to your home and help support you with the resources and skills needed by a new family. You can google healthy families and find the number for your area.
Good luck!
B.

Hi, I want to wish you the best of luck. I went through a similar situation. I was the one cheated on and my husband had a child with her. Which I never knew about until she was 5 now she is nine. I have been put though almost 6 years of hell I have had her about a year her mom abandoned her and now it's my obligation to step up and provide a life for this child who did nothing wrong and never asked to be born. So I think you would be wise to move on and love your baby and god will provide for you. He the father will have his day but I wouldn't let him in you are only in for alot of hurt and frustration just focus on your baby and yourself. You will do fine. God Bless you and Good luck!!! Sign up for wic and online there are coupons and samples sign up at similac.com,pampers.com, huggies.com

I wouldn't let them keep your little boy overnight for awhile...especially if you are breastfeeding. But they could visit him a few hours a week (with you there). Thats something you need to discuss with the father. You are the mother, you need to be with your baby as much as possible, the father is not in your life so he gets visitations until your child is older!!!!!!!!! And I would not get back together with the father, you will find someone who will love you and your baby much more :) Good luck and congrats on the little guy!!

A.,

I really feel for you in this tough situation. It is a really vulnerable feeling to be alone having a baby. Lots of great posts here about taking good care of yourself and making your child's welfare your highest priority. I completely agree. I think you do need to protect yourself legally, and I think the advice you got regarding not putting his name on the birth certificate is right on target.

I have tried "sharing" my daughter with her dad since birth, and it has been a nightmare. While I fully believe all children need to know their parents, good and bad, I now see how important it is to protect a child's early development and not allow her to be in a situation that creates chaos for her. My best advice to you is to find a good support system for yourself, make friends with other new moms, join a support group - and let go of this guy. And I mean NO contact for at least three months. Give yourself some time to get clear in yourself about what you want and what's best for you and your son, without trying to get anything out of this guy. Your son needs a stable parent, and a solid life. Dad can always come back into the picture when your son is older.

Do not even consider overnights before your son can talk with you. You are not in a position to know what's going on in his dad's house, and it is important to be able to talk with your son about how people do things differently before exposing him to potentially radically different ways of doing things. Protect your son's well-being first - that responsibility is more important than anyone's parental "rights".

Good luck!

V.

I know a lot of other moms are pushing adoption... I'm not sure if that's the route you should go, I don't know your whole situation. I had my first baby 2 weeks after I turned 20. I am married, but still I look back and I can't believe how young I was! I was still a baby! Its a hard situation that you are in... However you will find out how protective you are when your baby gets here. I honestly don't know that I would ever let the father take the baby to his girlfriend's house. You are not married so he doesn't have any rights that way, and he doesn't sound very committed to either you or the other girlfriend. I would just have him have a scheduled visiting time a few days a week at your house. Especially babies, they need their birth mother around almost all the time. Maybe when he gets older, like 2 years old would it be okay. Then they can communicate differently and do fun things together. But either way, you are in for a long hard road ahead. Hopefully you have a place to live and an income and a way to provide for your baby. I will not say that it can't be done with out those things, but if you feel unstable or depressed and are alone with your first baby, that can be a very scary situation for the baby and I would look into adoption if that's the case. Read as much as you can!!! And not about pregnancy either, read about how to raise a baby. there are lots and lots of books out their about raising babies as a single parent! Educate yourself! Good Luck!!!!

A.,
I am so sorry for you predicament. You will be in love with your baby when he/she is born and you will know what to do because your "mommy gut" kicks in. follow it!!! But, if I were in your shoes...I would make sure he is involved with the baby before ever letting him leave with the baby. Make sure he is paying child support of some kind!! and if you need to, see an advocate to draw definitive legal lines, if necessary. All this is done with baby in mind, not revenge, anger, hurt, sadness. The baby's best interest must come first and if he holds up his end of the bargain in doing "daddy duty" then he should have access to her. If not..welll..you get the idea.

In any case you and he need to discuss this, in detail, and possibly draw up a legal document stating each person's guardian, financial, visitation duties. just to be safe and have recourse if one of you renegs...
good luck

I am a single mother to twins, and I am doing just fine every day without a man in our lives. If this guy left his other family for you before, what is to stop him from leaving your family for someone else in the future? Also, DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. That guarantees that you have all the rights to your baby. If he wants his name put on there, then tell him that he can hire an attorney and go through the whole legal process. That way, you will have an exact parenting plan. Also, if you breastfeed, that guarantees that he can only take the baby for short amounts of time and you KNOW that you will get your baby back when he is hungry. I'm not trying to be only negative, but from personal experience, you don't need someone like him. There is somenone in this world who loves you and your baby exactly for who you are, and when you find that person, you will know, and it will be right. So just hold on to that hope. It is very tough to be a single parent, so if you need someoen to talk to or anything, just send me a message, okay?

You are very young. Only you can say for sure. But if you feel at all that he may try to take or keep the baby then before your child ever leaves your side i would have firm custody guidelines set by the court. You are not and have never been married to this gentleman it should be very easy to establish sole custody with visitation rights for the father. This will protect you should they have other plans

well sorry but the guy sounds like a loser and you dont need him dont think that its your falt cause its not you had no way of knowing that he was with anyone els and as for letting him take the baby I would wait at least 3 or 4 months

oh, gosh, my heart goes out to you...it really does. what a tough spot...if you're not married, he's left you...why give him any rights to the baby at all? he has his own already! i hope you have family close by to help you through this difficult time. why trust him and this other woman, who could very well be jealous of your new baby and you're trusting to take good care of your child when he's with her? i would honestly seek counsel on your rights, if you have a local church you go to, speak to the pastor/priest. if you DON'T go to one...perhaps it's time to find one. you need wisdom on how to handle this situation. if a man got me pregnant and left me...and i haven't signed the birth certificate yet saying he's the father...? i don't know that i would...no way i would trust someone with my new baby. in fact, never let him out of your sight! if you don't put his name down on the certificate it will take a long time to prove he's the father, etc and give him "rights" over a child he has already abandoned. it looks like he made his decision already when he went back to his wife/girlfriend. if you try to push the situation or force him to do something he could end up resenting you or worse, your baby.
you need professional advice...actually, mostly...spiritual advice. i'll be praying for you. your story really breaks my heart.

I agree with Teresa that you should consider adoption. I don't agree that marriage alone makes a stable home or that a single-parent home is always unstable. Nevertheless, your situation is very rocky and no one is making good decisions. You need to learn to make wise choices for your life in order to have a decent life for your future children. In the meantime, there are loving families who are all ready to give your baby a great future.

A.-
I have been in a similar situation. I had to realize that right now the baby is the most important thing. The guy is not going to ever chose just one of you. He has already gotten away with cheating and bouncing back and forth. He will keep it up until one of you just say no we are done. Do not under estimate yourself. You will be fine and raising a baby is not easy, but you can do it. There is a guy out there that is perfect for you. But you need to concentrate on you and the baby. I rasied my first one alone and then got married and had a second. Then I was raising two alone, because he was a marine and then he left cause his mommy told him too. But ya know what I made it through and I met a great guy and we have been married for almost 7 years and we also have a 6 year old now. My two oldest are wonderful and healthy and they turned out great. Don't get me wrong there were bumpy roads and struggles, but I always put the kids first. My oldest is 15 and she is learning to drive, my son is 13 and he is a genius and the baby is a girl. Just know that things do work out, but also you have strength that you don't realize you have. When you hold that baby for the first time it will be wonderful. Now with custody, I do suggest to lay the law down and if he gives you a hard time, you can find a lawyer and get it legalized. I will tell you that if you go through the courts it is much easier to say no when you have to. But if possible you really have to try to be friends with the father, but only for the babys sake. You don't have to be best friends, but you need to be civil to be able to agree on things. It also won't happen right off the bat. Good luck.
S.

Hi there...I am totaly shocked at the responses you received about your situation. Who said anything about adoption??? I was married and had both my boys in my early 20's. I ended up leaving their father with both boys still in diapers. i supported them and myself so don't let all that intimidate you!! You can do this!!! I think giving him up for adoption would be way harder!! So what if you are 20, you would have to live with the guilt of giving the baby up for the rest of your life.
Being 20 is a lot different than being 16 and having a baby. Don't wallow in self-pity. You got the best part of this jerk....Sounds like he is only good for making babies. Once the baby comes you will find that this guy doesn't matter anymore. Oh it is such a great experience being a mommy!!! You will have soOOOO much love inside you for this little one that it wont mattter what this jerk did.
I would get legal advice, but honestly I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate or anything. Sometimes it is just better if the child doesn't know their birth father.
If you need any help and live around Glendale just email me back. I would be more than happy to talk to you. It is a scarey thing when you don't know what to expect through a pregnancy and such. Just sit back and try to relax. It is a wonderful feeling watching and feeling your unborn baby grow inside you.

There are a lot of things I would need to know about their household; who comes in and out of their house? is he going to be the one taking care of the child, not her? You never know how someone else will treat your child. I don't know that I would ever feel comfortable with that. Maybe you can start slowly by letting him come to your place and spend time. Once you can see that he is responsible (or not) then you can make your decision. Until then, I would not let him take my baby. Maybe I'm overprotective, but it doesn't really seem like he has yours or the child's best interest at heart currently.

Even if you were not alone, letting your new born baby out of your sight would be something very difficult to do. After the baby is born, let the father come to you so that he can visit with his son. You can also let the other mom as you put it, come too. That way you will be able to built trust with both of them. When it comes time for you to need a moment to yourself, you will be able to let your son go with no problem. I hope that this helps and I do hope that you get more suggestions. Be blessed.

Hi A.

I am so sorry that you are in this difficult position. You have gotten some good advice from the others. I agree that you should not get back together with him because it sounds like he does not know what he wants and you are setting yourself up for more heart ache.

Raising a child is difficult enough as it is without adding an emotional rollercoaster of a man that does not appear to love you or else he would not be with the other woman.

As far as the baby is concerned, you do need to get some legal advice and let the man come to you to visit until the trust has been built. I would not let him take the baby until you are comfortable with it especially if you do not know the other woman. Trust your gut instinct it is usually right and do not let him talk you into anything you do not want to. Take Care.

You are in a tough position but certainly a wonderful one at the same time. Congrats being a mommy is challenging but most awesome job ever (you will really really love them especially when they sleep!!) And don't ever get back together as a couple with his father it is obvious that he is not someone that deserves your love, time and affection, so don't waste your time giving it to someone that doesn't deserve you!! But, if he wants to be involved with his son you should not stand in the way of that. As some have responded advising not to have him sign the birth cert. is in my mind a very vengeful thing to do. If you expect to gain financial support from him you need to give him the chance to be a dad. It can't be 'your decision your baby now give me some money', please don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that is you, that is what some of the respones implied. Now, if you have made it possible for him to be involved and he choses not to (the danged thing about it is is that you have to give give give just to see if a father son relationship is possible) and if he doesn't take you up on that offer then that is his loss and of coarse he must still pay his share, it was his choice not to form a relationship with his son.
When your son is born like the other ladies have said the father needs to come to you, you are exhausted and the baby can't stay away from you if you choose to breastfeed. I would invite his other lady after a couple of visits to meet and after that you make the choice if you can put up with it but it could be bennificail in the long run b/c you would have an idea who else your son may be with a couple of years down the road when he will go with dad on visits. -assumming that the dad is still with the chick if she is at all smart she won't be!
I know that was a lot that I just wrote, I hope I made sense I obviouly have a tendancy to ramble..... Like I said before it is a whole lot of giving on your part but just remember it is totally for the benefit of that wonderful, beautiful baby growing (and kicking- the funnest part) inside your body. You are about to enter a great time in your life, don't let this jerk ruin it for you!
I wish the very best of luck to you.
Do you need little baby toys?? My youngest is 1 1/2 now and we aren't having any more.

Hi i cant say i now how you feel bout the cheating but i to am i young mom (of three) (21) and i know it is scary being young and pregnant, but you must go with your gut. I would ask to meet with her first to make sure you trust her and then decied from there. Dont rush it to fast whenever you feel comfortable. Best of luck and hope everything works out for you.
J. bateman
p.s if you ever need any one to talk to feel free to contact me ____@____.com

You should never feel comfortable about giving up your own baby! It's yours! Don't let him bully you into doing so!!!!

Good luck & God bless!

Hi A. - I am a high school teacher who sees this kind of situation all too often. I myself am not a single mother, and so I do not know how to offer specific advice as "someone who knows", but what I CAN tell you is that many of the girls (many of whom are between 16-19)end up pregnant as a result of an often rocky relationship thinking that somehow a baby will make things better and solidify their rocky relationship (I know you aren't in high school anymore, but the situation is VERY similar which is why I am mentioning it!). Many of these girls end of up heart broken in the end...a dad who says he will "help out" and "be there" for her and the birth..however, when reality sets in, and the challenges and stresses (in addition to the blessings) of parenthood step in they are the first to check out moving on to a new girl who isn't tied down...My only advice is to focus on yourself and your baby...if he wants to provide emotional or financial support as a father, allow it, but as far as trying to build a relationship or family from a rocky foundation - this may end up causing more stress and frustration on your part...think about what you want for yourself and your baby and work from there...

I would'nt get back together with him, it looks like he runs back and forth between you two. Be the stronger one and tell him NO. I would take him to court for C.Support and visitation, and trust your instincts as far as letting her around YOUR baby. God Bless.............

We all make mistakes. This is a chance for you to learn many things about yourself and what you can do to make a wonderful life for yourself and your new little one. Contact your clergy person then after receiving counsel there contact a lawyer to see what the law will expect from you and the birth father. Good luck. I care.

Hi I was a single mother of a little boy unitl just recently. I just got married but not my son's father. But anyways I would not let the father take my son until he is older and is able to communicate with you if something was to happen to him. Im not saying to be mean, if you and this man get along and you trust him then by all means let him take your son. But you have to look out for your child and how do you know that this other women wont do anything to your son while he is in her care. Personally I wouldnt let him. If he wants to see his son then he would have to come over your place or you two meet in a public place so he could see your son. But you have to make the right decision for that child. I know the mothers I know wouldn't let there babies go anywhere without them (unless its with someone they can trust)atleast until that child starts talking and walking on there own. You just have to make a very wise decision. Having kids is a very life changing expereince. I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck.

A. I was in the same spot but I was older, in my early thirties but alone nonetheless. The only thing you should be focused on right now, sweetie is having your precious little baby. Take care of yourself. Mend your heart. Find someone to talk to like a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. After you have recovered from the delivery and the baby has adjusted to being here, then maybe you can begin to have a conversation about the father's involvement. For quite awhile, your baby will be needing you, so its kind of hard to think of taking him away from you for a bit.

A.,
Boy you sure did get some interesting advice! I personally think it's terrible that anyone would tell you to give up a baby that you love. DON'T DO IT!!! You can be in love with someone a husband or boyfriend but the love you have with your child is something I can't even describe. I have a step son, we are VERY close. I love him as my own child and he knows it. Just because she is the other mom doesn't mean she won't be good to your son.
Our situation is a little different because they were never "together". The mother of my step son would not allow my husband an overnight until he was 1 year. And that is OK. He visited his son (without me, and that's OK too) at her house/apartment or would take him to the park or something just the two of them. It is better that they have a bond from day one. He shouldn't pressure you until you feel comfortable. There is nothing wrong with asking for child support (through the court). If he is any kind of a good father he shouldn't be upset. (kids are expensive)And if you guys do get back together then fine, it comes out of the same family income. If you don't there are plenty of single moms that still get married. My step son's mother is married. So far the only bad thing is that he is overly spoiled because he has EVERYTHING :)!!!!
Children are a gift from GOD. There is nothing better. Enjoy your baby. You will only be given what you can handle. Be a strong mom for him.
Please give us an update. Good Luck.

All I can say is hang in there and focus on your well being and the birth of your child. My son's bio dad and I split when I was 3 months pregnant. I made the decision to completely cut him out of our lives because of his dangerous life stye as well as a drinking problem... the list goes on... So after a lot of heart renching I decided to file legally for SOLE custody of my son. No visitation. The BIO did not even show up for the birth or make any contact while I was pregnant, so it was easier to file and get sole custody of my son. It was the BEST decision I have ever made. My son and I are SAFE and happy and doing wonderful. And I have an amazing Boyfriend who LOVES my son. things worked out better than I could have ever imagined as I am sure your situation will be. I wish you the best and let me know if you ever need to talk. Just protect yourself. I would get something legal becuase you don't want him just randomly showing up demanding to see the baby. And there is nothing saying that you have to let him take the baby with him alone or with the other woman. Remember you have rights and you can do it on your own. take care, M.

Hello A.,

Speaking from experience get a lawyer, get full custody of the baby and then set up Supervised Visitation at first until you feel comfortable letting him take the child when you are not there. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. Also, get child support too. When I was reading your story, I thought I was reading mine. Have your parents help you too if they can. In the long run, you will feel better to have done this.

D.

wow, that sounds really rough. It would break my heart to have to share my baby, but it sounds like that is what you're going to have to do. I'd let him start right away, it is his responsibility too, but only for a few hours at a time, then work up to longer visits as you both feel comfortable. Maybe you need to talk to an attorney to see what his and your legal rights are? Good luck, stay strong and at least know your baby has lots of people who love and care about him/her.

A family consists of a man and woman who love each other, respect each other, are faithful and who stick it out in good times and bad. Sounds like this man is immature and will most likely hurt you and your baby in the future. You're yearning for something that this man cannot give you. You need the support of your family and of your church. You need prayer to make wise decisions. It's no longer just you. You are responsible for another human being and his welfare needs to come first and this man does not sound like he will be a good role model or provider if he's constantly zig zaggin back and forth from you to this other woman.

Move on without him. Turn to your family or your church for help and make it legal that this man only have visitation. I would not just let him take your baby on a whim. Legalize visitation to make sure your baby is safe. Make sure you get child support as well because I don't foresee that he will support you financially. See a lawyer.

Good luck and pray for wisdom.

You are hurting yourself and no matter how hard this is-you need to separate yourself from this man. He is involved with another woman. The fact that he went back to her lets me know he is INVOLVED with her. He is not being respectful to you and frankly you aren't respecting yourself. I know this is hard. Although I was still with my ex during my pregnancy-he was rarely there and rarely there for me. I was alone a lot of the time. And yet, from a woman's mental state during pregnancy it is hard to give up on the father of your child and walk away. I even tried to justify an abusive relationship because I did not want to lose my family. I finally wised up when my son was 6 mo. old and left.

Its not about you anymore-it is about your child and your child needs consistency in his life and he also needs a strong Mama. You are all he has got. Don't worry the strenth come to you around the time you have your baby and it grows. It amazes me and will likely amaze you.

With regard to your baby...I have some serious advice which my mom gave me and which I wish I had listened too. That is-no matter what you do don't let him sign the birth certificate. If you do-you are signing over partial rights of your child. I am now always in court and will have to get the father's permission if I want to leave the state (and he is not even actively involved in my son's life)I promise you-you will be grateful.

With regard to when you have to give your baby up...don't do it until you feel comfortable. You can probably legally avoid it until your baby is two-maybe longer if you don't put him on the birth certificate. If the dad fights and has good behavior then the court will probably give him some time by the time your kiddo is 2. He definitely can't have overnight until he is 2 unless you let him. Case law has two years old as the youngest age they can grant overnight stays with dad. Don't let the other family take over. This is your baby. I hope I am making sense. Do you have family support?

Hi A.,

First of all, you're not stupid. We all make mistakes in life and it's not your fault that he lied to you. Try not to beat yourself up about it because it will only make things harder on you and you can't change the past.

Now, on to your question. The first thing you should ask yourself is why you don't feel comfortable letting him take the baby with him and the other woman. Does he have a drug or alcohol problem? Is he a good parent to his other kids or is he abusive to them? What is the other woman like? Do you feel she would be abusive to your son or would she treat him with love? If you feel you can trust him and her to take good care of your son, you may feel comfortable allowing the visits at an earlier age. It's hard to say at this point and you may need to wait until after the baby is born to decide the visitation. However, if you and the father are still communicating, you may want to talk to him about it and see what he expects to happen after the baby is born. If the two of you can come to an agreement (you should set up a formal custody arrangement through the court system) it will be much better for your son.

Good luck with all of this :) You are welcome to contact me if you want to chat with me about it.

A.,

That is a really tough situation. First, you need to realize that this man is not committed to you or the baby. He already has another family and is not committed to them either. You need to take responsibility for your son first and foremost. He needs at least one parent he can depend on to make choices in HIS best interest. That means you need to let go of any need you feel to get that guy to "be a family with you". I know where you are coming from because I have been there and I regret so much trying to make something out of situation to get what I wanted but was so not realistic. You have to be the grown up and take charge of your life for you and your son. Have the father sign the birth certficate so he is the legal father of the child. File for child support and custody of the child with the court. You can make an appointment with a DES office and they will show you how to do all this. There are visitation guidelines approved by the state that take into consideration the best interest of the child. You can make an appointment with a family law attorney for a free consultation and get a copy of the visitation. Don't just send your helpless baby off with strangers (let's face it, you don't really know the father or the other mom involved, are you SURE the child would be safe there, do you really think that woman would welcome the child into HER home? Don't put the child in the middle, he's a person, not a bargaining piece, ok?) You can go to mediation through the courts and make a plan for appropriate visitation that you and the dad can agree on and then the court gets a copy. The only thing that matters right now is your son. If you and this man are meant to be together it will happen, but keep your feet on the ground right now and find yourself some people you CAN count on. Do you have any family that can support you right now and in the futur? Friends or a church group that will help you to feel supported and understood? I know you can do it. I believe that once you hold that baby in your arms and you feel the full force of motherly love for him you will know what is the right thing to do. I hope you don't think I am being harsh or insensitive. I really do know how you feel and I only want the best for you and the baby!

-Jen