What Would You Do? - Phoenix,AZ

I would sit down and talk to them and set some rules as to who takes care of what chores. Being clear as to who takes care of dishes, laundry, etc. Just because you are a stay at home mom does not mean that you should take care of all the housework. It is good that they pay you rent, but since they also live there, everyone should contribute cleaning. Having a schedule of who does what chores when is useful, so they can plan to do the dishes, laundry, dusting, etc. This way they are not wondering when or how they can help.
Good luck.

I have raised 2 boys and i still have 2 teenage boys at home. I have been blessed that the first 2 are wonderful housekeepers and i am still working on the 2 at home. When i moved out here i had to stay with my 30 year old son for a short time and he informed me as i would have informed him that if there is a mess in his home, clean it up or find another place to go!! I was proud of him for respecting himself that way as we should all do, and how (he) respected the way i had brought him up.

I would sit them down and tell them straight up that if you are going to be their maid the rent will be going up to cover for the maid service and it's not going to be cheap. If they don't like it...there is the door. Or take their clother out of the washer or dryer and place them in a trash bag and if they don't want to share the job of doing dishes, I would just cook enough food for the rest of the family. Don't let them know what time dinner will be served...no chores no dinner! Don't let them run over you. Where is the father..he should put his foot down...or out the door. I have 3 sons and a daughter and they have all lived with me at one time or the other...they would all pitch in and help with chores and give me money for rent and food...my sons all know how to do laundry, cook and clean up after themselves...my daughter would cook and clean up as she has children of her own..I have to admit...my family is not lazy..they have done their own laundry,cook and do chores at an early age because I had to work 2 jobs. My family has been great in helping. I love them so much...they are my world.

your husband is right! Just because they pay rent doesn't mean they get a maid,too!!!! Talk to them again and tell them exactly what you'd like them to do. If there's no improvement from their end, don't do their laundry, their dirty dishes, etc. etc. If they still don't get the message, it's time for them to move out and get their own place to trash or to hire their own maid. Or get a maid but let your son and his girl pay for her services!!Good luck and stay healthy!

I have a hard time setting boundries with the people I love and have had a hard time saying no, even if it was unfair to me. It is a sickness. Everyone suffers from it in one degree or another, some are the overbearing, some are the less likely to speak up for themselves. I attended a group called Codependants Anonomous that helped me be able to first recognize my personal imperfections and then set reasonable boundries for myself and my relationships. It is a hard situation to be in with a son and his girlfriend. Part of you wants to help. The other part feels hurt that your needs are at the expense of theirs. If I understand your concern, I think you are asking if it is okay to stand up for your needs. It is. Don't feel guilty for having physical and emotional limits. Everybody has limits. If your son and his girlfriend are not able to live on their own, then by all means they need to know there are limits. If they lived on their own, they would have to clean up after themselves. They are adults, no matter how hard it may seem to tell them the limits, it is also important to stick to your guns and enforce what you say. There has to be a consequence or they will learn that it is an empty threat-- As hard as it feels to give children boundies, if you don't you are robbing them of the opportunity to learn for themselves. You are obviously a thoughtful woman who loves her son. Love him enough to give him limits.

I hate to say this, but your husband telling them not to make you their maid will not help. You are the one they are taking advantage of; you are the one that is going to have to set the ground rules. Your husband can, and should back you up, but unless you stand up for yourself, you are doomed to be a doormat. I would suggest a meeting with your son, his girlfriend, and your husband present, where the rules are outlined, in writing, as concise as possible. This will ensure that your houseguests know exactly what is expected of them. You mention that they have only done dishes three times. Does this mean you are doing all the cooking? If so, then they should be doing ALL the dinner dishes on the days that they eat at home. If they don't take their laundry out of the washer and dryer in a reasonable amount of time, put their clothes in a basket and place them on their bed for them to deal with. Do not fold them first; do not dry them first. Make it clear what you expect, and don't pick up their slack and do things for them. You are going to have to get firm if you want a change. Next time they say the house is trashed, agree with them say, "You're right! Can you help me by doing ______?" (You fill in the blank.) Often nice, loving people will left things undone, simply because no one asks them to do it. I hope this helps! If you are wondering why I give this particular advise, I learned most of this the hard way! But I learned!

Hi D.,

I can sympathize with you, as I have a 21 year old step-son (been w/ me since age 5) who we had to kick out of the house because of this mentality. He's had to move back in a couple of times (briefly) over the past 2 years and has been much more respectful and helpful. Sometimes people have to be "shocked" into doing the right things.

On another note, I congratulate you on recovering from brain cancer. I'm sure it's been a long road for you. I do health and nutritional counseling and specialize in cancer patients. If you ever feel like you need to take more proactive measures, I'd love to talk with you.

Best of luck to you! :)

Hi D., As the mother of 3 adult daughters, 18,20 and 23 who have been fiercly strongwilled and independent and very difficult, my suggestion is that you and your husband decide what you are willing to tolerate in YOUR home., and then you create a written contract that you give to them to see if they are willing to agree to. If they do agree and sign it, then they must abide by the rules, or they will be evicted, just like in real life if they rented outside your home.The contract can be as strict or as easy as you like with negotiation clauses and renew times, however the key is that it contain mostly what you are willing to tolerate, not them. I know that this seems contrary to parental "love" but it is a valuable lesson in learning how to be responsible, 1st to yourself, so that you don't become furious about being taken advantage of and then to them about learning boundaries and why they are important . Even as a stay at home Mom, your hands are more than full and you have been through enough with your illness that, if anything they should be helping you.
My husband and I have found that the contract, even though it seems so cold, works very well because the rules are clear and violations obvious. We have an opportunity as parents to use our homes as mini societies where we are teaching values about how to cooperate and help each other out because we are a small tribe living in a village. And yes, I have had to evict 2 of my daughters because they broke the rules and yes they survived and are doing fine, and yes it was painful for us, but, they rose to the challenge and eventually realized that they made every choice along the way with only themselves to blame. Best of luck to you. feel free to contact me if you like...E. P at ____@____.com

That one is tough. I took friends in once-family of 6. It was fine at first and then the parents just took advantage of us. Needless to say they had to go. I would recommend letting them know their behavior is unacceptable, they are old enough to take care of themselves and they need to start respecting you and your home and to start helping out or they have 30 days to move out, or you could increase their rent to have a maid come in each week to do their laundry, yours too, and clean your house. If the shoes were switched and it was there house they might understand.

Discuss this with them. Be clear about what your needs are and what your expectations are, about what the rent they pay entitles them to, etc. Be firm, like you would with any renter. If you enjoy them living there, say that too, but that this and this is unacceptable. Let them know that your relationship with them is too precious to let these things come between you, and they will, if left unaddressed. Also ask them about what is hard for them and what they like about living with you. Open, honest communication while not taking anything personal goes a looooong way in addressing situations like this.

PS Pat yourself on the back for your ability to open your doors to them in the first place!

I would up their rent and tell them its for the maid service - maybe then they will want to help out... Best of luck with that - I have been in a similar situation - not all fun once the welcome wears out...

take care.

stace

first of all, communicate with them if you haven't already. they may not realize they are being inconsiderate. then, perhaps you all can make a list of weekly duties that they have to abide by and if not up the antie on the rent. if they aren't going to do the work, which they really should, they are adults now, make them pay for it. otherwise, kick them out.

Present them with a bill for services rendered, I am sure they will get the clue. Good luck!

It comes down to this: are you willing to continue picking up after them, or are you willing to put your foot down and follow through? Doesn't seem like you want to be a maid to extra bodies who are perfectly capable of carrying their own load in your house, so I suggest you and your husband discuss how best to confront, lay boundaries and the consequences, together, as a united front. Then they will know exactly what is expected of them, if they are going to have the privilege of living in your house. I mean, if they lived anywhere else, there would be a lease, right? Very specific rules they'd have to abide or be evicted? It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to lay down the same thing.

And honestly, one of my consequences, if you can't wait out the mounting mess, would be 'if you're going to treat me like a maid, then you're going to PAY for my services.' Get quotes for what it would cost to get all their laundry done, to have the dishes washed, etc. THAT should be a nice eye-opener.

But you have to be firm, whatever your choice of response to this blatant disrespect they are dishing out to you. Because if you're going to cave (and your husband HAS to support you 100%!), then you're going to continue to do everything for these knuckleheads.

Good luck!

D.,

I looks to me like your 19 year old needs a reality check! It is time to grow up and realize that you are making it possible for him to live comfortably. He is an adult now and needs to start to get a clue what that means. Housework is part of "their" responsibility as you have been so generous to let them live in your home. I would come up with a reasonable list of housework related responsibilities that he and his girlfriend need to be attending to everyday. If they can't seem to comply, then give them a date of when they will have to move out and STICK to it.

I also think its not too soon to have a shorter list for your 16, 12, and 11 year olds. With more priviledges comes more responsibility.

If this is hard for you, then make a list of EVERYTHING you do in a day around the house and for your family, as well as shopping and shuttles to school and other activities. Then ask yourself if its a fair distribution of the work. Remember that these are skills your children need to have as they venture out into the world. They need to be prepared.

I only have one daughter who is now 22. I was not very strict with any chores except the laundry. She had to do her own. Now, she is married and laundry is the only thing she does very well around the house. Her husband is the opposite so he is usually the one to clean. I regret that I didn't guide and motivate her better when it comes to housework, that we all have to do if we want a decent house to live in and are not wealthy enough to have maid service every week!!!

I hope this helps.

L.

Hi Diane -

I've been down this road many times with my now grown children (son 39, daughter 37). Having adult children living in our homes is complicated at best as running into cultural and maturity clashes is inevitable. What may help is to call a household meeting with the purpose of discussing job sharing...being clear with everyone that if living together is going to work, then the work must be shared. Be specific about who does what and when.
Regards, M.

Hi D.!

I am so glad that you are still here for your kids! I can only imagine what you must have been through so thank God you are doing well! I have to say I am surprised that you have allowed your son's girlfriend to move in with you. What is the reason for that? Are you trying to keep him close by giving in to his demands? I know at 19 I was legally an adult, but I still acted like a child most of the time. I didn't think about the consequences of my choices and I took my family for granted. I think the only thing I would have responded to was some very firm limits that were clear and enforced. As long as you and your husband put up with this, nothing will change. They are certainly not going to stop taking advantage of you just because they suddenly decided it wasn't the right thing to do and even though your son is 19 it is still your job to set the example. The example you are setting right now is that you are to be walked all over whenever convenient. You and your husband need to tell them exactly how you feel about their behavior, decide what you will and will not tolerate, and what the consequences will be if they don't do what you tell them to do and then DO IT! Backing down is the worst thing you can do because all you are doing is teaching them that your feelings and the respect that you say you deserve are not really important. Also, you are teaching the other children that you don't mean it when you say they need to respect and obey you. Do the other children ask why you put up with it? I hope you have the energy for all of this because it is not a small order! Your son may be thinking he is ready to be a man, but you just tell him that anyone who can't clean up after himself or do his own laundry doesn't get to call himself a grown up!

Why is it always sons who get taken in, ALONG with girlfriends???? If one of my girls asked to come home with boyfriend the answer would be NO. I would think that having had brain cancer, your son should value you above rubies, not DUMP on you...you and your husband should form a united front and say "bye bye " to them. Tell your son when he learns some respect, then come enad talk to you. You don't need the extra work, stress, and aggravation that he hand the girlfriend have dumped on you.....you're blessed to be alive, now stand up to your lazy son and his lazy girlfriend...I say this with love as your son wil NOT repsect you so long as you put up with his "stuff".. I'll be praying for you and your YOUNG family who need you very much.

Dear D.,

Surprisingly, people of ALL ages need lots of guidance with things like that. It might help to sit down with them and make a schedule of what day who does the dishes and agreeing on a specific timeframe. As for the laundary, if they leave clothes lying around again , then they'll have to start using a laundromat. You are still in charge, and the younger kids need to see that the older kids take responsibility.

E.

Oh, boy....I would up the rent for every chore that you have to do for them, just assign a dollar amount. I am assuming they are in their own room? You could just throw their laundry on top of their bed when it is left, don't do switch it for them or fold it. Do they eat at home all of the time....make every other night their turn to clean the whole kitchen (sweep, dishes, wipe down counters and table, put away leftovers, etc.). Sounds like your hubby is behind you on this, that's good, maybe between the two of you, you can enforce somee of these rules. Good luck, let us know what happens. My kids (ages 4-12) have to clean up after themselves, it's part of being a family.

Not exactly the same situation, but I once had a roommate who refused to do dishes or help around the house. I finally resorted to taking the dishes/trash (or whatever chore he didn't do) and putting them on his bed (in a large bin). That way I didn't have to look at them and they were "in his face" and his problem. He quickly began completing his chores in a timely manner. Good luck. How frustrating.

First of all, I'm wondering why you would let them move in with you. That aside - you and your husband should definately set them down and "lay down the law". I would tell them if they don't do their share around the house (a list from you) that you will charge them each $50.00 per week extra to hire someone to help out around the house. AND I WOULD STICK TO MY GUNS!!!!!! Kids - no matter how old will always take the easy way and get by with doing as little as possible

I don't have this problem yet, my oldest is 15. But if I were you I would either start charging them a maids fee, for cleaning after them. Or I would start to gather up all their mess, or their dogs mess and put it in their rooms. Its your house, and even though they are paying rent, you are living in the same space, so they need to be respectful of that. Put your foot down, or just start throwing stuff away. It wont take long before they start to pick up after themselves.

D.,
I am a mother of 4 boys, and married a wonderful man in Sept of 06 with 2 children, a boy and a girl.

This summer my oldest child, 22 years old got himself into trouble and was willing to humble himself enough to come home and through the process, we experienced alot of what you wrote in your note, he understands that if he wants to live in our home, than he will need to follow what my husband calls the green roof rules. As much as he works and is now going to school we still expect him to help and participate as any other person in our home would. More because he needs to be experiecing what the rest of the world would expect if he were out on his own. First thing I would do regarding the laundry is when it is left in the machines, and I need to use it, I will consider the circumstances, but after a warning I will remove and drop it in whatever condition on the person's bed. If the dog belongs to a specific person than I would require them to clean up, if it is a family dog, than everyone better chip in. You have been through alot and your children are all old enough to do most of the chores to help the family unit. Stay strong and remember tough love at this age is a requirement. If the 19 year old doesn't like it he can always pay rent somewhere else.
You're in my prayers. K. R.

wow. honestly? (and i have a 19 year old daughter who lives with us while she's in university)...i wouldn't put up with any of it. NONE. not the dog, not the lack of help~ their attitude that it's your responsibility to clean after them.

if this is causing you a problem with your husband...(and if if it hasn't...it probably will soon, i'm sorry to say), they both work...they should have their own place. how long are you willing to do this for? 3 months? a year? 10 years? if they have a child, will you be the babysitter? once a person is of age and "wants to live their own lives"...they should do it ALL alone. it's called growing up and taking charge of your life. this phenomenon was not happening 20 or 30 years ago. when did this become okay? (totally different thread, i know)
i have fibromyalgia, my condition is nothing as serious as yours, not even close, and i only have energy to do my own things and my husband/children's, so i may be biased on my advice to you, because it really upsets me that you're being taken for granted. just think about what this means to you and everybody in your household in the long run. good luck!

Lay some firm boundries down and communicate them to your son and his girlfriend. Let them know that just because they pay rent and work that there are other house responsibilities that they need to contribute to also. Let them know that in thier own home they can do or don't do whatever they please, but for now they are sharing a home with others and it's only fair that everyone does thier share. I've lived with family myself and that could be one of the hardest living situations ever, but its something that needs to be addressed or could end up causing alot of strife and resentment and can even damage relationships. I would suggest calling a family meeting with them. Calmly and positively let them know how you feel and what you expect from them both. I would also suggest letting them know that if they don't like it or respect how you feel then they know where the door is, because ultimately it is your home and your the one doing them a favor. They are (I am assuming) two perfectly capable adults that can fend for and support themselves. But if they want whatever benefit they are recieving living with you, then I would imagine they should respect you and do as you say.

Well I can't say what the best thing to do is but if it were my boy I would first make a contract to pay rent and what their responsibilities are in the home. Then if there is no respect for space or the home I would ask nicely and then take there clothes and throw them in their room even if they are wet from the washer. If they don't clean up after their dog then the dog has to go. If the young couple doesn't want to clean up after themselves then they need to find another place to live. That will force them to really appreciate their mother. I am sure it is a situation that is not easy and I am sure frustrating I know in every family you must do what is most important for all and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope it can work out.

Hi D.! I am reading your story with tears in my eyes. Having to take care of two step childeren, your own childeren, uphold a stay at home business and all on top of your medical blessing--you deserve a break. I am a step parent to a 4 year old daughter and a mother of an 11mo. old daughter as well. I am experiencing the beauty and challenges of both first hand---you are a very strong woman with a very giving heart. You cannot save the world, and you are not doing your family or grown up childeren a favor by handicapping them--set them free--don't throw them on the street but set a deadline for them to find a new living situation. Then get back to being able to enjoy life. You have conquered so much already. Also, look within yourself, you may have a need to be "needed" and in doing so, place yourself in these situations. Finally, Oprah.com has a book "A new earth" with a free 10 week course online. Register, to take-you are ripe for it. Many hugs on your journey-K.

It's always nice to have your grown kids come home for a while, but not if they can't deal with the household rules. I suggest that you write up what they need to do in order to remain as participating members of your family, set up a meeting with them, ask them what they think they should be contributing, and have them sign a contract that they will abide by the rules you have worked out together.
I'd give them 30 days notice that if they can't stick to the contract they'll have to find another place to live. Make sure you stick to it too - don't do their laundry and tell them to clean up the mess they and the dog make!

A little about me - I'm 62 years old and the mother of 2 boys aged 37 and 35, both married. I have 1 grandchild and 2 grand-dogs.

If I were you I would make a chore list. I realize they aren't little kids anymore, but they are living under your roof, so they need to have responsibilities like everyone else. If they lived on their own, they would have to do the dishes, they would have to do laundry, they would have to maintain their own home. You would be doing them a disservice if you didn't teach them this valuable lesson now, before they move out on their own. I have personally had to live with my inlaws for a short time after having had my own home and we still had issues with "who does what?" There may just be a lack of communication as to what is expected of them. Lay it out clearly for them what you expect them to do and if they can't do that, as tenants- because that's what they are-, they can be evicted. Not to say you would boot your kids out, but they have to understand that just paying rent isn't enough. If they were renting an apt. and didn't do any housework, they would have consequences. Another option could be that you increase rent to pay for the extra time and effort you have to put into being their "maid". Break each chore down into a dollar value. If they don't want to help, they can pay $50 extra every time you have to do their laundry. That will motivate them to take care of their own stuff. But if it doesn't, at least you are getting paid for your extra work. Don't let them guilt you into backing down either. Make them take pride in their (and your) home, or tell them they can try and figure out how to get a place of their own. When they have to deal with a landlord who isn't Mom, they'll learn- the hard way.

Hello glad to here that I am not the only one who has this going on. I am 40 years old and have been married for 22 years. We both work 40 plus hrous a week.I have four boy's 23, 21, 19 and 12. My mother passed away a at a very young age so my we took in my two brothers they are now 24 and 19. The two oldest have returned my 24 year old brother and my 23 yeard old son. I gave them a room and what ever I find that belongs to them I just through into the room. Sometimes you have a hard time with the door. They leave there clothing in the bathroom. They never stop eating and leave the mess for me. I have scheduled a day for each of them to clean the house or they can not go out. I know it sounds crazy but they live in my house.

Diane,
I know you love your kids, but you may not be to up front or should I say bold. Like my mother and grandmother would say "I'm not cleaning up after your s#!*". Especially if you son wants to play house. I think you need to see what this woman can do for him, for instance cooking, cleaning, and so on. Because she is going to be taking care your son. If they ever decide to move into together and make thier own family, she could be taking care of your grandchildren. If they take it that far lets prey they don't.
They may be paying you rent, let me say just say "That ain't enough." Like my mother and grandmother would say. Plus I love my mother with all my heart I don't know what I would do without my mother. I would say the same things, and do now to my children. Your husband is right your not the maid. Because I'm not my kids maid. I am also glad she has said to me many times before that "I am not taking care of you, if you want to be together. Both of you need to take care of each other." I lived with my mother for 2yrs in her house but I had to move out and get on my own,and take care of my own. All this was when I was twenty years old, and living with my mother. I now live my husband and two children for the past eleven years. I am proud to say I'm taking real good care of my family. I also am a stay at home mother but my kids are only 10 and 3. If my children ever decide they were going to play house. Lets pray they go to college first. I would say that very samething to them. Not just once but every time they come that through the door, hanging out in the livingroom, and kitchen. When I feel like it or something has to be done. A simple reminder everyday until they both get the picture I ain't the maid.
This your house, and if you don't like living in squalor you don't have too. I think with all the kids you have your house should be spotless..lol..
Sorry to be so bold, but as a native american the in-laws need to prove to you that she can take care of your son. Vice-versa your daughter needs to prove to her in-laws what the mother(you)has taught her. IT IS A REFLECTION ON YOU. Take care.

I would have them move out. How terrible that parents nowadays allow kids to do anything they want. And in their own home. Shacking up isn't teaching your son anything. No real commitment to the relationship.If they want to act as adults then they should do it as it should be-on their own with their own reponsiblities, their own place. Only a kid wants a livin girlfriend and mommy to be there so that he doesn't have full responsibility. Also, how disrespectful of that girlfriend of his to not pick up after herself or not be more helpful. Why don't these two just date.
I have a 19 y/o son and I would not allow this to happen. He has known this from the very start. Best yet, he respects it. I have from a very young age talked to him about girls- to respect, to date and not shack up. To only go into a "real" commitment when he is capable- financially and emotionally-best of all, a college education. We help with my son's schooling as he is a full time student who also works. But he knows that the day he shacks up- this stops and he lives like an adult.
Kids shack up and next thing you know, there's a little one involved and it is they who suffer. Parents have a responsibility to teach their kids proper behavior even if these days it's out of the norm. How would you want your daughter treated? Or even yourself for that matter.