What Would You Do? - Tualatin, OR

The first thing I would do is talk to the coach. It is their job to teach the kids how to play with sportsmanship. First grade is very young to start playing a team sport. You can see why. It would be very beneficial for the whole team to have some learning time "sharing the ball". My kids played soccer and they all wanted to chase the ball at that age, but when it came time that they were passing, the "ball hog" would get repremanded by the coach for NOT passing. They all need a chance to learn how to play the game. This isn't the age for strict competition. It should be fun.
I would certainly keep up the support for him by telling him that he is doing a great job at whatever his position is and that maybe these other boys aren't being fair, but they will need to learn that. He is right, it isn't fair. But, don't forget to tell him that life isn't always fair and he will see that throughout his whole life. He is learning about reality. Find a way to make him not take it so seriously. Is it possible for him to play other times besides school? Once he gets really good at it, they will want him to have the ball.

My sons were sensitive too and they grew up to be so wonderful to others.

I respond 2 ways about this.
One, to stop dotin on his every emotion. Allow him to understand that this game is played this way at this place and isn't always played fairly and you can see that it upsets him. Give him a choice- Does he want to stick with this team or game and learn to keep experiencing this and maybe learn some new ways to work through some of the difficult emotions he experiences in it? If so, OK!
In other words accept some of this pain as it is as part of this particular situation?
Or, how about finding a new team or game that is different and less emotionally taxing?

He can make his choice and just go through the experience (as long a you know he is basically safe). He might decide that this particular sport just isn't very enjoyable for his self and he can make another choice when he is good and sick of it.
I sometimes think that kids just have to go through some things that are hard and learn on their own without having Mom to come running to each time it is hard. Mom's feel so much of their child's emotions, they may not be the best support. It depends.
Long Time Teacher of Young Ones, L. B.

Your son seems to have "adopted" his role as "the victim", no matter what the other kids do (or don't do), he feels he is not being treated fairly. Have you tried talking to him when it is NOT during the game, when his emotions are running so high? Try talking to him privately at home, when it isn't near a basketball-related time. It sounds like he knows he's sensitive, and he probably feels it even when he's not at basketball, like at school. Have you asked his teacher about his behavior during the school day?

Your daughter outgrew it, but one thing I have observed as a teacher for the past 10 years is that girls tend to begin internalizing their issues with other people around ages 9-10 and boys continue to externalize them, even into middle school (which tends to cause certain boys to become socially disconnected from their classmates).

There was a great article in Parents magazine a few months ago (I wish I could remember when) that had advice for teaching boys to handle situations in which they perceive they are being bullied/treated unfairly. It had a lot of tips for role-playing types of scenes that happen, where the son played the kids he felt were bullying him and the dad played the role of how his son normally reacts. The idea was to help the son see how his reactions "invite" other kids to continue being "unfair" or not want to be friends/play with him at all. The activites were always done during a time when the boy was not already worked up about a situation.

There are childhood/adolescence counselors who work with families that have these situations. The real trick is to get at why your boy feels that he is the victim, and understand, THROUGH HIS RESPONSES to situations, why things can't always be "fair" and that it's okay.

You could also try getting him involved in individual sports, like swimming, running, tennis, cycling etc. That way, he is in charge of his competition.

I think you're doing a great job, and I agree that the natural consequences of his undesirable actions during the game are plenty negative reinforcement. In fact, I might even show sympathy for his struggle to stay calm.

When he can play an entire game without losing his cool? Give that boy a token!

Good job Mama!
D. T

Maybe help him understand a few things a little deeper, such as: Explain that sports are a physical activity that often have physical contact. But because his teammates and him are still learning much about the sport, accidents happen more often. The other kids aren't TRYING to hurt him, they are just trying to play, learn and practice all at once. And all his teammates are so eager to get better, that they all want to have the ball so they can improve that much faster. Or also try having him watch a proffesional game on tv or even go the the local high school and watch a game and point out how often the players get bumped into and pushed. Then ask him to imagine those big tough guys getting upset everytime it happend...the game would never end ;)
Maybe have him really pay attention to other players while he is not on the court. Tell him to watch the other kids who don't have the ball and maybe it won't seem like he's the only one who doesn't get the ball as much as they'd like.
You could also talk to him about how much wiser he is since he knows when something is not fair and if he chooses to do the right thing back (instead of reciprecating the bad behavior) he has already learned more than that other child and he is now setting a good example for the other children to learn from.
If the coach is letting certain members of the team "hog" the ball, then I would express my concern to the coach that teamwork is a crucial lesson at this age. As long as you are doing your part to help your child, coach should be doing his/her part too. My son's basketball team had a "star player" and the other kids on the team liked to pass him the ball so he could score (and they did that a lot! pass it, not score) but coach always reminded them to give equal time with the ball and include all teammates. They may not have fully learned the lesson, yet, but at least coach was being consistant with teaching it.
This might be weird, but maybe tell him that everytime he is open and doesn't get passed the ball to count that as 1 private point for him. He can kind of keep tract of how many points he could of made for the team, but since they didn't pass the ball he got the point. You and him could secretly "keep score" and give him his own little celebrations on how well he "did" each game. If he pushes himself to have more private points, where he really was open, then maybe the other kids will start noticing it and start passing the ball. And maybe give him some strategies for dealing with his emotions on the court. Like, if he wants to cry, bend down and pretend to be fixing his shoelaces while he takes some deep breaths and doesn't let anyone see his facial expressions while he tries to quickly process those emotions. Or bend over and rest his hands on his knees to look like he's catching his breath, but instead is taking deep breaths to calm down. I hope a little of this info is helpful.
I really feel for you, I,too, have a sensitive boy, who struggeld (for him it was with poor sportsmanship) for years. He still has his momments (at age 9), but has really changed a lot with age and experience.

ADDED: I think punishing him for his reaction is wrong. I would try and give as little attention to it as possible (like ignoring a tantrum). I think he would then notice his teammates and other peoples' reactions to him more. I don't think he'd like the reactions and could choose to react differently. You could give a quick, direct statement about how he could respond next time (like "Try giving Mom a good, solid High-five next time you get upset like that...let some of the frustration come out of your hand. Besides, you'd look pretty cool doing it"). And as far as rewards...heck ya! These are the learning years and children need tools to learn....positive reinforcment is a great method. But, I do have some advice here-instead of you doing all the praising, work on him validating the praise. Such as "Aren't you proud of yourself?" or "Wow, what part of the game do you think you did your best?" I don't think parents pay enough attention to their children's self-esteem. One day I asked my son "Do you love yourself?" and he said "no." I wanted to burst into tears. At the preciouse age of 6 he had already been beaten down by life enough to have self-doubt and conditional love. I have worked very hard since that day to make sure he knows that he is exactly as God intended him to be and he intended him to be perfect! He is 100% unconditionally lovable and acceptable no matter what he does. Actions and behaviors can be bad or wronge, but children themeselves cannot be bad or wronge. All God's children are created equally! It's our free will and choice that can be corrected, but our soul's need no fixing, they're perfect and beautiful. Life can be answered by 2 questions: Are you enjoying it? If not, are you learning from it?

I think it's a mistake to reward OR punish your son for his level of maturity. Adding additional pressures could teach him to do a lot of unhealthy things with his feelings. The consequences he will experience are all the lesson he will probably need. Whether he embarrasses himself or makes himself proud should best be left up to him.

Once you let your son know that life can't possibly always be "fair," and that sports sometimes results in getting hurt, and that his teammates are subject to the same kinds of frustrations that he is, and that you will be glad to give him support and advice WHEN HE ASKS you for it, you have done your job. Beyond that, I believe it it would be best to back off and allow him to experience natural consequences for his behavior, both good and bad. This is HIS interest and HIS wish to participate in the game, right?

If you try too hard to "help" and to "manage" your son's outbursts, you teach him to look outside himself, to you, rather than inside himself, which is the only place he will develop the resources he needs to cope and adjust. You simply cannot do that part of the work for him.

Do you have enough confidence in the coach's skills to simply leave your son's team behavior, or lack of it, in his hands? (If not, then that's another problem you might want to look at.) It could be that your son is too immature and should not be part of a team sport yet, and the coach may need to keep sidelining him. Yes, that hurts and is hard for you to watch. And it is simply part of learning teamwork. This year is not the culmination of your son's participation in sports, it is only the beginning. Give time and the process of maturation a chance to do their work.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of communicating with your son and that is the most important part. Essentially, his sensitivity is about communication and as he gets older he'll learn ways to cope and communicate his frustrations with his peers. One thing that might add to your help for the stage he's at right now is telling him that he IS doing a good job of trying to stay in control and that he just needs to keep trying. That controlling your emotions, trying to stay calm, is a skill, just like learning to tie your shoes. It takes time and you just have to keep trying, even when it gets frustrating.

Way back when I was in college, I took a psychology class that was centered around the book "Emotional Intelligence." (Off-hand I can't remember the name of the author.) Anyway, the entire book (and class) was focused on how different personality types interact (or fail to interact in some cases). I took this class before I became a mother but I remember realizing (and writing a paper) on the very real possibility I could eventually have a child who was completely my opposite - (could be shy, withdrawn, overly sensitive, etc.) The book provided very specific strategies on helping guide children and others into developing this "emotional" or social intelligence in a way that respects the underlying personality type rather than trying to do the impossible (change the personality type).

I know have three children and I think one of them will probably continue to be very sensitive. I've been planning to try to dig that book out of storage so I can give myself a little refresher course on how to help him get the most out of life.

We go through this with our 7yr old son too. We have the coach talk to him. If things get too emotional then we go home or he sits out of the game. We have found that soccer is where he does his best. This is the last year of baseball for him and I am relieved. His best friend has played on the same team since they were 5 and he is the same way. Both boys are ULTRA sensitive. Just try to find the sport and the team that works well together where your son can have fun and not feel like he is competing with his own team mates. I NEVER give my son consequences for his frustration or anger when it comes to sports. I believe it's just a matter of maturity. They want to win because that is what we are taught, and sometimes it's hard to do your best and feel like it's good enough. We put our son in cub scouts to learn that his best is good enough wether he wins or looses. It's not about the game or scoring it's how he performed and his sportsmanship. As long as he does his best, that's all that matters. (I'm in your shoes too.)
Good luck

I think that this is a particualr issue with kids raised in a good religious home. We spend a lot of time emphasizing values that aren't always mirrored in their life and the way others treat them.

I would suggest the following: validate his anger and upset -- this isn't fair. He doesn't need to be calm about this, but learn to how to behave (the talk).

Maybe use his faith. Christ DID get mad. God DOESN"T promise us life will be fair. He asks us to behave in certain ways IN SPITE of others, for our own good, not our winning in this life.

Finally, talk about learning things that put you ahead of the game later. Coaches don't like ball hogs and his good learning is making a fabulous player ready for bigger boy games.

C. (a coach's wife:>)

I recommend reading "Raising your Spirited Child." It really helped me to make sense of my child's strong/intense emotions and to help her cope with them as well.

Here's an amazon link... http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...

I highly reccomend the book, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It is very easily readable, and helpful for sensitive children. It helps you to learn how to be the, "surrogate, frotal lobe" teaching your child coping skills for situations that anger them, until they learn to handle it on thier own.

I would let the situation handle itself. When he gets pulled out of the game don't go and talk to him quietly. Let him sit and work it out for himself. He has the answers and he will work out that if he wants to play he has to stop crying. The actions of the other children are normal they are still learning about sharing. The one thing the coach should be doing is talking to the whole team about teamwork if this isn't happening, then maybe your son is on the wrong team.

I think one of the most valuable things about team sports is the life lessons they teach. Often, life is not fair, people are reluctant to share, and they are rough or unkind to others. It takes time to learn the value of teamwork, and to see that sometimes the whole is far greater than the sum of its parts. A caring coach can help impart those lessons. Is your son having fun? Does he look forward to the games? If so, give it some time, and see if he also outgrows it like your daughter did.

Tell him that you are so proud of him that he understands how the game is supposed to be played... as a team, and that you are so proud that he knows to be fair even when others are not. Then explain to him that those are things people have to learn, and apparently, these children are still working on that skill. That is why their parents put them in sports... to learn to share and work as a team. Tell your son that he need to be patient with them and show them by example. When he gets upset, just remind him that they are not trying to be mean, they just are being selfish because they don't fully understand how to play as a team.

Try not to "change" your son to be something he's not. He is a sensitive boy, and that is not always a bad thing. Let him be who he is, but teach him to deal with the outside world in a way that doesn't force him to change.

Wow sounds like a hard one...

As far as your new question goes I wouldn't reward him for doing what he should be doing, verbal praise is enough, you don't want him to feel he is entitled to things when he does what is expected. On the other hand I would take him home from the game as soon as he acts like that. Life is not fair, we have made a point at our house to make things be unfair at times, things are not even, it will help when he is older and struggeling with the same thing.

I remember our pastor telling us a story about when he was a kid and complaining to his dad that is wasn't fair that his sisters got to help inside the house and he had to do work outside. His dad said "really? Life isn't fair son, and because you complained about it, here is a bunch of wood that you need to cut today by yourself before you can come inside for dinner" He was out there well after the sun went down but never complained of life being unfair again!

I think it is a great lesson to teach a young man so young. I also think it is a Godly lesson that we need to teach our children young so that they understand other people when things aren't fair for them. As Christians the Lord says our lives will be hard because we chose to follow the Lord, prepair him for that now, and you will reap the benifits later. The Lord has given you a wonderful opportunity to teach your little man!
Good Luck, I know it will be hard!

Hi,
I think he's too young to play organized sports. You said your daughter used to be like that but grew out of it and I would say wait a few years for him to join a team. He's not ready. When my children were younger and one would say "That's not fair, so and so got more than me", I would say life isn't fair. Children shouldn't believe everything is equal all the time. This time so and so gets to be first in line, I know you wanted to be first, lets let so and so enjoy her time. When he gets to be first, say you are first this time enjoy.
If you still have him on the team (which I don't think is the best idea)and the behavior continues tell him his actions show he might not be ready to be a part of this team and he has another chance to try to change his behavior. Praise any changes
Good luck, R.

You know life isn't always 'fair' when you take just that moment into consideration without looking at a long term picture. Jesus dying on the cross certainly didn't seem 'fair' at the time, but when taken in the long term, there was a reason for it. So learning to accept things as they are while still working to change them for the better is a lesson we can all use.
You might try making a game at home with your son to decondition him from being so sensitive to the apparent 'unfairness' in the world around him. It could be a fun, teasing, laughing game that you could both create together so he would learn some different responses to times when people don't pass him the ball (or whatever the issue is). You can honor him for trying to be as fair as possible whenever he gets the ball. Jesus didn't say, "Do unto others what they have done to you." That could be called 'revenge' and we certainly don't need that. He said (in essence) "Do unto others what you would want them to do to you."
Also, since your daughter already went through this phase, ask her advice. She will probably have some good ideas on an approach that will be effective. Since you are asking the questions in this nice forum, you are on the right track.
Good luck and blessings, D. (http://www.soundings.com)

I have 3 boys and a daughter and what you are saying sounds very familiar. All three of my boys (ages 13,10,7) have sensory integration deficit. My oldest and youngest also have different forms of Autism, and the middle one has OCD.

The sensory difficulties mean that everything is too bright, hard, smelly, rough, loud, etc. Busy public places are very hard for them because they can't process all the stimulation at once and become overwhelmed. This means they can't react how they should to the stimulation. My middle guy has the hardest time dealing with it because he is aware that he should react better, where the other two aren't as aware of how their reactions affect others.

I would suggest that you talk to your pediatrician about sensory integration deficit as there are ways to help "de-sensitize" them and help them cope better.

Best of luck.
M.

I am the mother of a 14 year old boy who is very sensitive as well...I am grateful for this sensitivity and I can see that he will most likely be a very good man...in my prejudiced eyes I'd say a great catch for any girl... :) I guess what I"m saying is be grateful that he is sensitive and cares about things like being fair...it could be so much worse if it were the opposite...he will grow out of the crying and getting hurt so easily, my own Sean did...also ask the coach if he could encourage some team players, after all there is no "I" in team...if the coach doesn't get that message across there is very little chance of the players picking it up on their own...it is the coaches responsibility to teach fair sportsmanship...it is your responsibility to see that your coach is actually coaching your child fairly...I"m sure if you are objective and calm when you explain to him/her the situation they will most surely be willing to see what can be done...team players usually have a better chance of success too, so it is in the coaches best interest to support you in this...Good luck...Oh...a little about me...41 yr old, divorced once, in a successful relationship for seven years now with a wonderful man who lets me be myself and miraculously still loves me at the end of each day, mother of one beautiful boy, Sean, age 14, who lives in another state with his father...I am blessed in that we share a wonderful relationship in spite of this distance, talk each night on the phone,sometimes for an hour or more, and he comes to stay for one month in the summer...

I handle it a little in your face type of way.
I look at my kids and say "You are right, life is not fair. If it was fair we would not be living where we are. Your father would not be dying. And I would not have to support us. We would have a working car." Stuff like that. I let them see just how unfair life is.
Of course my kids are 22, 19, 17, 15, and 11. But they get it. Life is not fair, and that could be a good thing.

Point out to him that it is a "TEAM" effort and that there is no I in Team. He needs to learn to work together, with each other.

And yes he should grow out of it......

Your son needs to develop emotion regulation skills. You will need to coach him on an alternate response than the one he is currently doing. He's right. It is really hard to stay calm. It is his interpretation of the roughness that he is taking personally that is fueling the emotion. You are on the right track in terms of challenging those thoughts. But you need to provide or walk him through using Socratic questioning an alternate belief. If that sounds too hard for you to tackle on your own, take him to a Cognitive-behavioral therapist who can do it for you. I think three sessions would do the trick just based on this narration.

Good luck. He can get through this!

Sincerely,
N. Laurent, M.A., R.C.
Clinical Psychotherapist
Eastside Family Renewal Service
www.FamilyRenewal.net