What Would You Do? Job Related Question

Personally, I think you shoudl stay with the system that you already have in place. The only way I would advocate a parent taking a job that requires months away from the family is when there truly is NO other option. Pipeline work is finicky...it pays really well when it is available...however layoffs are frequent and the work isn't always steady.

None of the above.

I would get into marriage counseling immediately and work on the trust issues your marriage has. Your husband needs to prove he is a FULL member of this family, not a single guy 3 weeks out of the year when he "on the pipeline".

I am not trying to be harsh, but I hope you realize how awful it is that you have to sacrifice paying off debt and moving ahead as a family in order to keep tabs on your cheating husband (and trust me, given the scenario you described, chances are he cheated).

I want you to have enough confidence in YOU to make this better. You should be strong enough to demand certain things of your spouse. Fidelity is one of them. We don't marry people and expect them to make us happy - that is a common misconception. But what can be expected is honesty, support and love. You are missing some of those here.

Now, to answer your direct question, I would say NO WAY IN HELL are you going to leave for months at a time. He needs to man up and figure out a way to make that money while being HERE to support his wife and children, emotionally and financially. Maybe he should take on an extra job, start doing things from home or be creative - he can figure this out. But make no mistake, it is on HIM to figure out how to earn the extra income while still giving his wife peace of mind that he is home in bed with her.

Just because he stays doesn't mean you can't pay off your debt earlier. Look into dave ramsey - he is amazing and will help you meet your goals faster than you could have ever imagined. And start doing things to save money if you aren't already - make your own laundry detergent, grow your own food, car pool, shop at thrift stores, don't eat out, the list is endless. You can do this and you can do it with him at home. Be a team.

*To be clear, in any other scenario, I would tell your hubby to RUN toward that extra money. I am a huge fan of living debt-free. I commend and cannot even begin to describe the reverence I have for military wives and other moms in similar situations. But here, your husband is not being a good and faithful husband. And that is only the parts he has told you. And he is not being forced to go as he would be for military leave. So again, I would say no go on the leaving - not until you have full trust in him again. GOOD LUCK!

ETA based on your addition: Of course he refuses, the wrong ones always do.

I guess my question is how far away is the pipeline work? Is it a day's drive away or a week's drive? Alaska, Canada or somewhere inbetween.

Since your husband was already flirting with another woman he's not a really strong guy. I venture to guess that many of us would be flattered by the flirtations of the opposite sex. But if he's away from his family for months at a time and hanging out with guys who have a lower moral code it's kind of a recipe for disaster.

Money is not everything. It's nice but the if you two, as a couple allow it to take priority over your marriage your marriage will suffer - perhaps dissolve. Almost every young family in the world struggles financially. i cna't think of one close friend who didn't have a really tight financial situation when the kids were little. How you handle it as a couple can set the stage for your future. If you work at it together you can build a stronger marriage and relationship. You'll learn how to count on eachother and you'll develop a deep trust.

If your husband really wants to go work on the pipeline and insists then you need to express your feelings to him. Don't accuse him of anything - but say something like "I am not comfortable with you being away for so long - I know there are situations that can be realy tempting and I just don't want to be in that situation". Ask him if he has any suggestions as to how you two can stay connected. Skype? cyber sex? get iphones so you can both "facetime" talk to eachother...He can't lie aobut where he is when he's on video with you...

Stay together.....it's hard to work on issues when you are apart for long periods of time.

"I have suggested that we go to counseling and he refuses, in general we are happy but there are the trust issues."

Please stop fooling yourself. If there are trust issues, you cannot be truly happy.

Do not suggest counseling. Insist on it. If he refuses, start going by yourself, but continue to tell him that either he goes to marriage counseling with you or you are going to look at your options regarding your marriage. The fact that he was just promoted but is already thinking of a way out of his NEW job is not positive; why is he unhappy? Are there problems in th is new position that he's not telling you about? Is it possible that he does not like being at home, with the kids around, as much as you do, but he doesn't want to tell you? Is it possible that he is deeply worried about the money situation, more than you realize? Are you clued in on ALL of your family's debts and obligations beyond the student loans -- do you have the full financial picture or are there issues you may not be aware of that are making him worried?

You and he must get couples therapy, marriage counseling, whatever. If you can't afford it, look for sliding-scale fees that change depending on what you can afford. County or city mental health departments can connect you with counseling; or look up "women's centers" for your area, which also can help.

You do not trust him; he is behaving oddly (to me at least) for a guy who just got promoted; his choice if he goes on the pipeline would make yoiur lives more difficult -- not less (you'd spend more on child care; you'd see less of your kids, etc.) This is not about you're right and he's wrong, though -- it's about both of you finding out what's going on in each others' heads. He may feel he didn't have any affair since it' wasn't physical while you feel he did and you're suspicious. You may feel he's dismissing your time with your kids when he may feel he just isn't cut out for that much time with the kids...and so on. You need outside help.

put your foot down and tell him no more pipeline-

I wonder if your current situation could also be contributing to trust/relationship issues. (Absolutely NOT your fault AT ALL what he did, but just the situation now makes it more difficult to work on. He really does get ALL the blame for what he did.) He works all day, comes home, and then you leave to work nights. When do you get to connect together? I know you want to work to contribute, but sometimes the best ways we can contribute to our family has more to do with the people rather than the finances. Don't get me wrong. I am a big believer in living debt free. But right now there seems to be other issues. Have you considered all your other options? Would there be a way to make some cuts so you can be home for at least a while? Would there be a way you could make some $ from home? I would not recommend the thought of him leaving for months at a time at this point. But if you could swing it, it might be easier to work on your relationship if you had more time to do so. You could both be there to play with the kids in the evening and tuck them in. Then you could have time together every evening for an hour or so. Have you ever heard of the book, "The Love Dare"? It has great simple activities for spouses to do each day for 40 days, I think. The goal is to be more in tune with each other and start learning more about unconditional love for one another through discussing things and doing simple acts of service for each other. It's a really neat book and I would bet he'd be more willing to do it than counseling. Good luck on your decision.

I would argue with him that he just got promoted so they like him and potentially he can keep working his way up. Once he comes back from the pipeline as that job won't last forever, he'll have to start all over. Who knows if there will be jobs and his current company probably won't be very friendly if he'd quit on them after paying him the compliment of promoting him. I wouldn't want him to go either. It sounds like you're doing fine and no need to put that job into the mix. I hope he doesn't insist!

Really, if you don't trust him it doesn't matter O. way or the other.
Is your schedule a sure fire way if making sure that his "free" time I'd occupied with the kids? Deep down?
If think for most people, doubling their pay would be a no brainer.
But there's more going in than just that.
So....not sure which I think is better. Maybe neither. :(

My husband use to work ever the road. He made twice what he is making right now as well. When we found out I was pregnant he immediately started looking for a job where he would be home every night. We have never regretted that decision. His being home to be with his children is more important than money.

He has also worked for the pipeline in the past. Yes it is a large amount of money but the tradeoffs (especially with kids) are huge. 1) you never know when he will be home. Depending on where he gets sent he could be hours away or days. Even if he is only a few hours away, he may not get more than 1 day off a week. It is often too hard to drive home, spend a few hours with the family & drive back during this time. 2) When he is out of town he is making more $ but he is also spending more. Lodging, food, drink (yes much time is spent in bars because of the long hard hours ther is not much else to do). These add up greatly, plus with you having to pay childcare costs, in the long run the money may not add up to being more in your pockets. 3) the tempation to stray, if he already has a history of turning to another woman (whether is was physical or not) the chances of him doing it again there.

My advice is to find talk it out & weigh the pros & cons together. This might be just a whim on his part too. My husband sometimes talks about missing being on the road but he knows he would miss his kids more so it never goes anywhere.

good luck.

You want to be together in order to keep an eye on him so that he doesn't stray and cheat again, but you also want to get out of debt in a reasonable amount of time.

Make no mistake... even if all that other woman did was give your husband an emotional affair, it was still an affair. How can you doubt it by his behavior? He was deceptive and dishonest and made it a point to hide things from you. Of course he denies having an affair. So you either forgive him and you go to marriage counseling and learn to communicate and get past it, or you both go on pretending that it didn't happen and you continue not to trust him. You continue to feel as if you need to keep track of him every single second.

If you plan on living throughout your entire marriage that way, plan on a miserable marriage or plan on divorce.

Either way the student loans have to get paid.

EDIT: You're "happy" yet you have trust issues? Am I in an alternate universe where that's even possible? Or is that code for, "I'm okay pretending to be happy so that I don't rock the boat and let all of the real issues explode into a huge mess in the middle of the floor!"

Why are your choices so limited? You should choose a situation where you're both working and the majority of a paycheck is not going to childcare. You should be living within your means. I'm in shock that you bought a house when you have such an unstable financial/work situation, and even more in shock that your husband wants to go back to "pipeline" when he has two small children, a non-working spouse, and a new house when he knows he'll be laid off again in just a couple of months.

If he's making a good salary that could pay all of your household finances right now without your paycheck, then he needs to stay put. YOU need to find a job that will pay higher than what you're making now. You both need to work toward learning more job skills such as Soft Skills and a lot of office skills to make yourself marketable to any company you might want to work for. Take adult education classes here and there if you can, or check with your local Goodwill Inc company because they offer FREE Job Club seminars to teach you job skills. Goodwill Inc also has job coaches to help you out one on one.

My point is that you're not so limited as you're making it out. And if he refuses therapy, then that tells you where your marriage stands with him.

You make half what he does. If he took a job making double you'd be bringing in the same amount and would have a bit of a buffer time-wise to find the right job for you.