When a Loved One Is Chemically Dependant. . .

Hi, R.

I feel for you. I was married to a chemically dependent man. It was not fun. I can relate to the panic attacks, depression, etc. It takes time but you will get thru it. Al-anon is a great resource for you. I see a counselor every 2 weeks and am pretty free of panic attacks now. Paxil has helped me a lot. Also I learned a lot about our thought process and how it controls us. I went thru a year of cognitive behavioral therapy and that was the most helpful thing I can recommend to you. It would be great for you to get a group started in the area you live in. I believe there is a website called www.meetup.com? You could get something started that would support you and your children could play with others at the same time. Be strong & positive. Pray. I'm glad your loved one got some help. I hope he is doing counseling as well and working as hard as you are to get things together. Unfortunately, in my relationship there was only one of us working at it. And it takes two. It took me a long 17 yrs. to realize that. I always thought I could help him. But he didn't want to help himself bad enough. So I let go. I am now a single mom of a 19, 16 & 12 yr. old boys. I am the happiest I've been in a long, long time. I hope this helps you....................... Take care of you!!

My heart goes out to you, R.. Dealing with a loved one's dependency is so hard, and it's not just hard on them; it's hard on everyone in their life. I have not had to deal with this myself, but my husband is a chemical health counselor, and one of the things he sees is that it affects everything in a person's life. I'm glad you're both getting help, and asking around here is a great idea; it's a wonderfully supportive community. I just wanted to let you know that you should never feel bad about not being able to "move on" immediately or worrying about what will happen now. You have been through a lot with your loved one, and it can take time and help to heal from that. You both need to understand that healing does't take place overnight, and just because it's taking some time, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong; you're both just healing from some major wounds. So get all the help you can, and never feel guilty about the way you feel.

Hi R.,

I think it's really great that you asked about this. I wanted to highly recommend Al-anon to you. I don't go to Al-anon meetings very much any more, but at one point in my life they helped me so much, and I think the same will be true for you. There are certain issues that you can work with a therapist on (which I also highly recommend), but for something as deeply reaching as a loved one's addiction, there is nothing like a 12 step program. What I recommend is that you start going to Al-anon meetings. They're free, and they make an amazing difference. Keep going until you find a meeting that you like- they're all different. I pretty much guarantee that if you go, sit in meetings and listen, and then participate by sharing your experiences once you feel comfortable, the recovery you will experience will be remarkable. Also, I find that the great thing about going through difficult experiences like the one you're in, is that when we get the help we need in a 12 step program, we become uniquely qualified to help those who go through these things after we do. So, in Al-anon, I think you'll find that there's a light at the end of the tunnel: people who have been there and have been helped through such situations and are now willing to help. And as you go through this experience, you'll become uniquely qualified to be that light for others :)

Hope this helps, best wishes!

S.

Chemical dependency runs in my family. A close family member of mine was an alcoholic. I know that AA worked for her (she was sober for 40+ years before she passed away) and Al-anon was wonderful for her children. She lived by their motto "one day at a time," which I think is so important for both recovering addicts and their loved ones to remember. With addiction, you can't look years and months down the road, just take it one day at a time. I know my family member also lived by the serenity prayer, which she used to have hanging up at her house: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." I wish you and your family the best of luck.

My brother is an alcoholic, now about 5 years sober, who attends AA regularly. I would really recommend AA or NA for your Loved One and maybe, the family members side for you. One thing that both AA and NA encourage is the step where the Loved One apologizes to you for wrongs done during the addiction. I'm not saying our relationship is perfect, but after about a year of me resisting the step where my brother apologized, I feel better now that we've talked. I think the step your Loved One needs to add here, for everyone's sake, is the one where the Loved One emotionally understands the addiction and the havoc it has caused to your relationship. The physical stuff seems under control, but that emotional piece is equally important. So yeah, to sum up, see if you guys can get involved with AA or NA (whichever is appropriate). They sometimes have family days, too, where you can go to a meeting with your Loved One. Best of luck.

I am glad you wrote to us. Sharing is so helpful to everyone. Congratulations on this big moment in your life!
I just want you to know of an awesome therapist. His name is John C. Friel, Ph.D. He is located in the northern suburbs of the Mpls/St. Paul area. He and his wife are full time practicing psychologists where they offer individual, couple and family therapy, and they lead ongoing men's and women's therapy groups. I met with him myself, two times. He helped me with my relationship with my husband. My husband went to the men's group for almost a year and it was just SO helpful. IF possible, go in together. They also have a three and a half day ClearLife/Lifeworks Clinic; a gentle process to help people replace old patterns of living with more effective ones. Also, he has written wonderful books. Paperbacks. Do yourself the biggest favor and get one of his many. Go see him once. You will not believe how easy he is to talk with and how he just makes you think in such a positive way. I was afraid to go because I am so hard of hearing, but, HE could see past that and treated me so great!
Good luck my dear. I am proud of you for trying!