When Do You KNOW You're "Done"?

Being pregnant puts my life at major risk (triggers a fast acting cancer), but every 2 years on the nose hormones hit and I go through uber baby cravings. It's bad. (4 times now, and counting. Getting a puppy helps).

So even though *I'm* done, my body doesn't agree.

i knew I was done once health problems started for one of my children. i realized i am not super woman, and that bad/hard times bring me down and i have a hard time facing challenges. if i had brought the 3rd child into the mix, i think the child would have felt left out because there is just this much I can do. I have two children, and even as such, i stretch myself too much trying to be there for them a 100 per cent.

I am facing the same thoughts. I have a boy and girl, and wonder if I want one more. My husband is against it, but I just don't know how to know, you know. :) Will I regret not having another? Do I want to start over again, just as this baby starts being more mobile? Is it fair to the other two? It would be nice if there was way for someone to just tell me yes or no. Well, I guess you could say my husband has tried, but he is just guessing too.

It all depends on how you feel about kids. My wife and I had 8. I wanted 2, my wife wanted 12. Our first argument was over how many kids to have. I finally said, "Ok. I'll do my part." ;-) My wife watched too much TV and finally decided "8 is Enough".

Our last one was a surprise. I sometimes think what my life would be like if we had only had two. When my wife and I got married ZPG was all the rage, the "in" politically correct thing to do. (ZPG=zero population growth, no more than 2 kids) I can tell you now, that my life would be far, far less happy if we'd only had two kids. My oldest two live over 1500 miles away and see us once every three or four years. My last 6 live within 60 miles of here and we see them for Sunday dinner on a regualr basis. I love them dearly. They all have wonderful spouses and they have 14 kids among them. I love it when they come over and bring their kids. I love my grand kids tremendously.

I traveled as part of my job and when I met new people the topic of kids almost always came up. What I learned is the ideal family for almost all families is 4 kids. If they had had one child, they almost always said they wished they had had 3 more. If they had 2 kids, they wished they had 2 more. If they had three kids, they wished they had had one more. The people that had 4 or more kids were happy with the number of kids they had. The exception was the parents that raised their children and had one or more at institutions of "higher learning" like San Quentin or Alcatraz. Then they wished they had fewer kids or none at all.

BTW, if you wait to have kids when you can "afford" them, You'll never have any kids.

Good luck to you and yours.

Every person has their answers differently. My own mother had 2, adopted 1 and still wished to this day she could have had more.

I feel that if you have longings for another... even if you are wishy washy with feelings of 'doneness'... that you aren't ready to make a final decision that you are now officially done.

I have a 4 and 2 year old, and would love another, but can't make myself be ready right now. Maybe in a year or two I will revisit it. As for health, aging, finances, those things can change, for better or worse any time. So long as you have support, you can make it work. But if you feel complete and at total peace, then it's a good way of feeling done. (Baby urges come and go though, but remember a child is more than just a baby!!!)

Or, you can adopt a little boy... you skip the pregnancy, newborn stage, post partum risks and he gets his little boy. I plan on adopting when I get older, and my little brother is adopted. It's a wonderful thing.

I think woman will always long for a baby. It never goes away. If we kept having babies to feel the "baby desire" everyone woman would have a ton of kids. Ask yourself some serious questions. Can you truly give an equal amount of time, energy, etc., to another child. Would you be giving the child what resources are left over? Can you manage financially? Financial reasons don't have the be the only reason not to have another child. However, can you manage the cost of more activities, clothing, insurance, college education...and all the tens of thousands, that go into a child? Mentally, would another baby exhaust you very much? Would the exhaustion effect the children you already have? Do you know for sure, it wouldn't take a long time to get pregnant? The risk for having a special needs child is much higher, the older we get. IF your child was special needs, could you handle it?
I think the key, is not to respond to the want...but the can I manage, would this be healthy for me, will the financial stress be too much, etc. You might always have the want, but we all know what we want, is not always good for us. If you can answer most of the very difficult questions involved with having a new baby, then go for it.

With me, I know 100% I'm done. My pregnancy was so brutal and complicated, I am never going to be pregnant again. We don't have a desire to adopt ( adoption is wonderful! We just don't want to) and I'm perfectly content with just one.

I'm 34 weeks and this is my second. I'm getting my tubes tied after this one because 1) I'm in my late 30s and I don’t want to be in 50s and trying to “play” with my kids – I want to physically be able to run around and be active with them, not sitting on a bench because my body can’t keep up; 2) I don’t want my children to have to take care of me during the prime of their life (I will be in my late 60s/early 70s when my children are in their 30s); 3) I don’t want me, my SO or my children to be stressed financially – there is a study that shows how much it costs to raise a child these days - $250,000 each. Frankly, I would rather spend this money on providing for the two I have, taking regular family trips together, providing everything they might need for a better education and quality of life.

My SO was laid off a couple of months ago completely unexpected. It was a wake up call that our economy is still not getting any better anytime soon...

Prior to having children we agreed that we didn't want anymore than 2 and that is still the case. I am certain that I do not want anymore kids b/c when I spend time with my children/family I NEVER think that it would be great if there were one or two more. We are completely happy with just the four of us. That is how i know.....

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When I got tired of the checkbook going into the red every month. Kids are budget-busters! = )

Plus...When I really started to miss my boyfriend. 13 years ago, I had a super-hot and fun boyfriend Then for 2 years, I had a romantic and fun fiance. Next, I got a committed and fun husband. But for a while now, I have had a busy, tired (but still fun) father.

But soon...I will have my hot/fun boyfriend back and all to myself and I cannot wait.

Oh, I'm in the same position. In fact, I gave away a bunch of stuff right after having baby number 2, but by 5 months, I so wanted another one. He is now 10 months and I go back and forth. I have days when I am sure I am done, and then I have other ones where I just long and long and long.

I am going to wait until number 2 is 14 months, and then decide. I think we will be done, though. I am already 38, and I would like a nice gap between number 2 and 3, and honestly, I am a nightmare when I get no sleep. I am just now starting to feel human again. I can't imagine putting my hubby and children through 2 more years of grumpy mommy.

You don't necessarily know, so you need to use common sense. You say your finances are just now getting stable, your hubby really isn't into it, you have PPD with pregnancies and you have no idea how that laid back 6 month old is going to be as a toddler (trust me -mom to a REALLY difficult 4.5 year old who was extremely laid back and easy until he was about 2.5). So, I think those things should answer your question! Some people like to post on here that you'll never regret having more. Funny, I know a number of people who regret having more -especially when they start having their own opinions and costing a lot of money!

I don't think you ever "know". I always thought I wanted 3 boys. When my first turned out to be a girl (love her to death by the way), I decided 2 was good. I was the middle of three (until the 4th came 13 years later) and someone was always left out and it was usually me. I think 3 of the same sex is different than 2 and 1...
My husband always wanted 2 also. So here we are with a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. We are "officially" done, but nothing perminent. So who knows. We rationalize it all the time, how nice it is to have the money to do things with them and send them to school and travel, etc...but their are times i look in the back seat and wonder if their is supposed to be another one back there.
I think the hard part for me is that I wouldn't want another one once my son is 4 because I am not close with my siblings that are much younger and I don't want that for my kids. So, that window is closing and i can't help but wonder if its the right decision to be done...

Also, my brother and sister in law tried for #3 and got twins! 4 kids under 4, no thank you!!!! :)

Like others have said, I think its only something you will know.
Growing up I always said I wanted 4-5 kids. I grew up being #4 of five and all my siblings are REALLY close. We're all best friends, talk every day etc.
BUT then I started having kids.
After my 1st son was born I thought I didn't want anymore because he was so amazing!! I just wanted to have JUST him and spoil the hell out of him. then Whoops! I got pregnant! YAY! So now I have a 2 year old son and a 2 month old daughter! And I LOVE it!

BUt again...a huge part of me is saying "i'm done" My hubby says he wants to be done. *for now* Financial issues, and time do play a factor in deciding.
But at the same time, I'm only 25. So I think I might want more. I do know though that I no longer want 4-5 lol

My mom had 4 kids under the age of 5 and three of those were in diapers..Ya NO THANKS to that haha

It took me 9 years to have my first (a boy) and then another 8 1/2 to have my second. I now have 2 boys ages 9 years and 10 1/2 months. I would love to have another and will try acupuncture again for our third. I would like to try now but working ft and dealing with 3rd grade homework and a little one is TOUGH. I am 40 yrs old now but do not feel 40... It even looks strange in print. :) I think that you will know. With my second coming 5 wks early, I kinda feel cheated of those last few weeks of the kicks and the fun. I was so happy to meet him early and get him early but I love that time. He is no longer nursing and I am sooo sad to think that it is the end of all that. I really do want another but want to be a SAHM and not a working FT mom. I commend those who work FT and have young kids. I do it but I feel like I am missing so much. I hate leaving the kids in the morning and I get the cranky pants stage at night (still wouldnt trade the time in for NADA). I think that talking to each other is KEY to know if you are both done or not. About the age thing, for me, I always felt that age is how you approach life and how you view life. I think that the FEAR of risks etc add to ones stress and do not help you in anyway. I believe in living or at least trying to live each day without fear and worry although the TV commercials sure DO NOT HELP!! : ) I hope I didnt ramble too much and that this might have helped.....

This is late and I understand some people just love children and want a big family and that's their right. I think if you really want 3, you should do it. Sometimes I've gotten a pang - picturing our Christmas card with a bigger family (we have 2 kids), when we're out w/ a family with more kids and everyone's having fun etc. But I'm not really cut out for little kids and also, I think about overpopulation (what if everyone had 3 or 4 kids), why would I be having more kids (make myself happy - what about the children? Life is hard for the luckiest of us. Do I really want to bring more children into a world that's getting so competitive, the US has a horrible budget situation, the environment may mean our grandchildren have fewer options/freedoms etc.) And, how many families do I know with 2 children where both now adults are fine versus families w/ 3 children where one is a real problem? A lot. There's a saying that a mother is only as happy as her least favorite child and I think that's true. It seems like having 2 turn out ok and happy is better odds. Most people I know with 3 or more complain how hard and stressful it is and I feel like they gave up that right when they went over 2. Why did they have a 3rd? They thought it'd be easy? 2 is giving a sibling which is nice. 3 is beyond that so don't complain...

3's a charm. I'd quit while I'm ahead.

I just asked my mother the same question last week. I just had #3 almost three months ago. Two boys and one girl. Originally my husband only wanted two but I wanted at least 3 maybe even 4 kids. He has said if we were guaranteed a girl he would be all for #4, I wouldn't mind another boy so i still have my little princess. After having 3 c-sections I don't want to go through another one. So a week ago we decided to attend a consultation on vasectomy's and after that it kinda scared me thinking something so permanent what if we were to changes our minds in a year or so. Now we have both decided to wait a year and think about it all then.

It's always hard...especially when you're still in the thick of it. My friends all tell me I'm going to want another one (my youngest just turned a year) but I know I'm done. Yes, there is part of me that still pangs a bit for a baby, but truly in my heart of hearts, I don't want to add anything to the mix. Traveling is easier (and is only going to get easier now that the baby is older!!) with 4 in terms of car situation, hotel rooms, air fare, etc. It's all around cheaper not to add another kid, my husband and I are on equal ground with the kids 2 vs 2 and when they're older I feel like 2 is more managable for going to their events like soccer, dance, plays, etc. etc. Now, this isn't to say that having more than 2 wouldn't work for you! People do it all the time, but these are the things that made ME decide I was done....that and the fact that when I hold a tiny baby I love it and coo at it and then I happily give it back to it's mother!! :) It's true! I think that's a big test of it, honestly...if you hold a baby and want more, maybe you're not done! But in your case, your little one is still so little!! Give it some time to get out of the baby stage and see how you feel then!

We knew how old we wanted to be when the last one graduated high school, since we started young and didn't want to be raising kids into our 60s. As it is, we will be in our late 40s when the last one graduates, and my husband and I are very much looking forward to that time together.
I don't long for more kids, I don't have baby lust. But I do love holding babies and playing with little kids, which is why I am glad some of my friends waited longer to have them, so I can live a bit vicariously through them :)

Hubby and i have 4 kids ages 7, 5, 3.5, and 2. 7yo is mine w my ex and 5 yo is his with his ex. My 3 yo was gonna be thelast, but i was having tiny feelings of maybe 1more but i was leaning more tward no more. The dr wouldn't tie my tubes i was only 26 so he suggested this wonderful copper thing called and iud that lasts for 10 years and is soppose to be just as good as a tubal. When my son was a year old i found a dr who would tie my tubes as the iud was making me bleed a lot and cramp and i knew i didn't want anymore. Well, 2 weeks before the surgery i found out i was pregnant! Ok so i guess i can handle another one when not given a choice! I am so glad I had my youngest son Andrew. He is my baby at 2 years old and always will be my baby, he fits the baby sterotype to the T everyone loves him to peices. But by the endof my pregnancy w him i was so tired of being pregnant I wanted to scream(think of it i was prego for 10 months had a 1year break thought i was done and pregnant again). I knew then that i was DONE and now that Andrew just turned 2 i still know it was the right choice. I love holding other people's babies they are soooo cute, but no i don't want one! I am done with the night time feedings every 2 to 3 hours and very soon (i hope) done with diapers. My children can entertain themselves and they don't have to be attached all of the timem they feed themselves(though sometimes i think if andrew could crawl up my but hewould) point is i amout of baby years and i KNOW i don't want to go back even if i could(thanks to a hysterectomy i don't have thoes parts ne moreand don't miss them either!)So I have to say i don't agree with Bug B. not all women always long for a baby.

You just know! There is no one who can tell you exactly what makes you done you just know what works for yu and how you and your hubby feel.

I had 2 boys 1st and I always wanted 3 (I came from 3) and my hubby only wanted 2 (he came from 2) but I WANTED A GIRL so after 2 boys 1 more try, and YES I got her. I feel SO complete, I am done. I would love to keep going but myScoliosis is not pleasent during pregnancy even though I love being prego, but $$$ is also not on an endless supply so it is time to say DONE.

You will know.

How about adopting a third? Get the boy he wants and no PPD for you! Skip the newborn phase!
We have by birth a boy (just like your first but add a surgery for him) a girl, (sweetest baby ever) After multiple miscarriages and my body stopping; we adopted our third, another son. We had hope to adopt at least one more (I wanted more than that, DH was not so sure), but a bone tumor for me wiped out our finanaces and added about 15 years of medical hell.
I finally found that becoming a grandparent fufills the "baby" urges I have fought for years. A long time in coming, but so worth the wait! Now I wish they were coming faster!

I go back and forth as well. I have a 3 and 1 year old. I think for I want one more, maybe two. But some days I feel like the two we have is enough, but that is because I'm worn out! LOL. If we had more space and enough money for three in daycare, I'd be all for another one right now. That is how I know I'm not done!

We have two girls and my husband said "no more" too. (unless you can promise a boy) I called him henry the eighth as a joke. I am 29 and we have a 7 year old and a 2 year old, so it would make sense to have more, though im more leaning towards "not". I have selfish reasons though. I want my kids to have their own bedroom, I want to work, but i dont want to be a working mom with a kid under the age of 3,and im sick of weighing 30 more lbs than i am comfortable with.

i might just get fixed, cause i know babies are SO tempting, and so much fun to make.

There is always adoption or fostering if you are concerned about a late pregnancy and going through the infant and post partum phases again. You also can select a boy - there are plenty of 2 to 6 year old boys out there in the system that would love a dad to have "guy" time with and two sisters to tease until it's time to protect them in high school.

Adoption can be expensive, but fostering isn't. And if you decide to make your foster child a part of your family, then you'll make the money to afford it. And about the family dynamic for 3 kiddos: it depends on their ages, gender, and how the parents guide activities. The closer the ages are, the more you will encounter this problem.

My age told me I was done, because I was getting more riskier and I personally could not handle more than 2. However there are others who would want to have 10 and cannot because of other medical reasons. There are others who already have more than 2 and cannot handle it, so bottom line, it is what works for you. I agree with your husband about family dynamics. I am one of 3 and one always feel left out. Then you would have to have 4 to even it out, but suppose the 4th one doesn't feel they belong because of how far apart you might chose to have him/her. Suppose the other times you tried, they end up being all girls. Long story, I usually say if you can see yourself taking care of them alone (if you should happen to experience divorce, death, sickness, etc) of your spouse, then go for it.

I have been here back & forth I now have 3 kids 1 son 2 daughters love them to death I wouldn't know what i'd do with out them...Now here i'am going on 31 next March thinking of an IUD or other BC method other than OTC non hormonal methods..Am I really done we live in a 4 bedroom home that we own we own our cars we have no debt that gets piled upon us we live how we want to most of the time although I have become frugal over the past yrs.But becoming a mom to a 4th child it sems like the impossible we are just now out of the newborn stage everyone eats what is served no more baby foods,diapers ya still in those for the 19 month old but things are becoming fun again able to do things together althought the worries will last forever I keep thinking can I do this again I come up with no I can't but then again I did it with 3 times already i'm a pro.The only things that will prevent me from conceiving is DRs orders,age over 31 for me,having to get a job i'm a sahm for 8 yrs now & love it there is no time for me to get a job it won't work out plus the thought of having someone else watch my kids care for them feed them change them comfort them NOWAY that is my JOB...Everyone is different some stop at 1 & some go on for as many as they can have in their life time..I would say i'm very comfortable where i'm at right now if I were to have another baby then it is another gift form GOD that my husband & I created...