When Does It Switch from Playdates to Dating?

Wow! Call me old fashioned, but she's only 11 years old! Dating should never even be thought of EVER at this age. No matter what anybody says, girls and boys hormones are starting to kick in at this age whether they know it or not. No matter what kind of "friends" you say they are.....girls and boys don't think the same....period.

Please, be a hovering parent.....it's okay to be. Our youngin's are only with us for such a short time and this world pushes them into things way too fast......way before they're ready.

Hanging out with friends is great! However, with supervision ALWAYS. Have the boy over, play games, watch movies...go to the movies, go to the park...whatever! But never leave them alone. You'll be doing her a great disservice by taking your hands off too soon.

Blessings upon your family!

Okay, I'm in the old fashion camp...no "dating" alone with a boy until at least 16! Let them hang out together, definitely...but you (or another trusted ADULT--not a sibling) are there--SOMEWHERE in the background--but still THERE!! I don't think that dropping off kids at the movies or mall & leaving them is a good idea...I hear over & over of the shoplifting & movie switching that is VERY common in this age group, due to a lack of parental supervision. Everyone thinks, not MY kid, but the temptations are too great! And the merchant's numbers are hard fact! Just watching them buy the ticket...been there, done that..watched the R movie after my friend's Mom left...

So, take them to the movies...even a movie you don't want to see & sit far back from them (if they are embrassed to sit with you) or take them to the mall & just stroll behind them. If they are hanging out in your home...you can do whatever your doing & let them be together--all doors open--watch tv or be on the internet or talking...you are just around, it will discourage any boy-girl type behaviour...which they might not even be thinking of right now, but could happen in the future...

One of my friends who has 5 kids--ages 23 to 10 told me a long time ago that preteen/teens actually need MORE time & supervision from their parents than toddlers. YOU as the parent just have to handle it differently. Available, but not hovering, just there. She pointed out that the hormonal changes they are going through are SO great, the demands from school jumps HUGELY--grades & social stuff are more important than ever. A lot of parents & teachers back off their supervision at this age range because the kids seem pretty self-suffiencent but they are NOT ready emotionally for a lot stuff life throws at them--especially the stuff from their peers. They need their parents LOVING interest in everything they are doing...& they do need to make their own mistakes..just small ones, please...

So be the Kool-aid Mom, you will be busier than ever, but you'll know what's happening with your girl, without her or her friends even realizing it.

Hi R., I have two kids one 13 yr old boy and a girl who just turned 12 in october. It's funny how this stuff comes up all at once doesnt it?! My answer to your question, from my experience, is now! I told my kids that there will be no solo dating, no "hooking up" etc until high school. If they want to see a movie with boys and girls, it must be in a group. Sometimes I dont want to see the same movie that they do, but I (or another responsible adult) will walk them up to the theatre, watch them by the tickets for a parent approved movie (very important) and then be there when they all come out to be sure that they come out with the same kids they came in with. This is a fun time, but be sure that you set limits. My daughter isnt boy crazy either, but those bodies and hormones are a changin! Good luck to you R.. J.

my daughter always had more boy buddies than girls. i would watch how they interact. usually for movie stuff they want other friends to come along, its when they want to be alone is a red flag.

In our household, dating doesn't start till 16, true dating. Hanging out it something totally different. My daughter has had the opportunity to hangout, but has mostly girls as her base of friends. She has gone to birthday parties of her "guy" friends. Anyway, we have always had the rule that you are not alone, just the two together, it has to become a group of friends going to see the movie. You just want to avoid any of those possible scenarios from happening. I always go back to a friend of mine from our first year of jr. high that got pregnant. I didn't even know how that happened "really" at that age, but it did. Too much time spent alone leads to things that "may" happen that you didn't expect to happen.
Hope this is helpful.

Even in high school, at least half my "best friends" were male. It was never an issue, for us, our parents, or their girlfriends. If she treats him, or future guy friends, the same way she treats girl friends, that's probably how she feels. If she starts getting dressed up, nervous and gigggly, it's a "date" situaton.

Personally, I've had boys as good/best friends my entire life... ESPECIALLY right around your daughter's age, because the rest of the girls "got stupid" ;) right around then, and essentially quit doing anything fun. If it wasn't for the boys I would never have done anything fun. THEY still wanted to go to the movies/ride bikes/play sports/hang out... but the girls...oy. From 11-13 it was only gossip, hair, makeup, whine about their parents, talking on the phone in pseudo valley-firl accents. etc. and pretend they were 17.

My guy friends essentially bent over backwards saying "Thank god, you're not like THEM." (Which a few years later was annoying... because, come to find, if you're a "buddy" you're undateable ... although guys who didn't know I was "one of the guys" asked me out readily enough).

So for ME it never totally changed. If I was hanging out with one crowd of boys, as a group or individually it was never never ever dating, but at the same time if I was with a totally different set of guys it was dating.

The "tell" as far as my parents were concerned was if I was "nervous". If I ran out of the house laughing it was friends, if I was up in my room obsessing about how I looked, it was a date. My mum (looking back on it) was fantastic, because instead of trying to curtail all of my activities, she just watched for my tells.

Talking with her years later, she said that at least with the guys she could count on my good sense, but when it was girls... it was THEN that she had to be concerned. Herd mentality I guess. Apparently whenever I was hanging out with girlfriends I came home with attitude, and I wouldn't call, would get up to a lot more mischief, etc.

Anyhow... that's just my story. Good Luck!!

Dear R.:

Wow! What an interesting question! Maybe I'm naive but I never thought of this. My kids hang out/go out with kids of both genders but we just figured they're all friends.

In your case, you may consider that the children may be one-on-one kind of people. In other words, they're not into large, boisterous groups and have just found "the perfect friend" in each other. It seems that these two children have formed a healthy, happy friendship. It just so happens that they're of opposite genders.

I think I wouldn't be worrying too much about giving them space, though. If they are just friends (which I would assume) and you go out of your way to leave them alone together, it might make them feel weird. If I were you, I'd pick up the slack on the activities and probably go out MORE with them and the other parents: to dinner, to ballgames, playing games at home, etc. You may want to invite other people some of the time, too, to see if everyone still acts normally.

My husband and I never leave our children anywhere and I know that's not common outside our social circle. We're just that way. So, whether they're friends with the same or with the opposite gender, we're around. Believe me, kids of either gender will come up with unacceptable things to pressure each other with and it's best to be close by to help them reconsider!

Though I'd play it really cool while keeping my eyes and ears open (as always), I don't think it's time to start worrying about romance yet.

Best wishes,

M.

When does it switch from playdates to dating?
When your daughter says it does.
Ask her.

B.
Family Success Coach

Yes, kudos to Virginia C. As much as we want to be the cool parent, they really do need supervision. There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but these are prime years for trying to prove oneself and growing up, all with an immature mind.

Hey R....

Listen, Listen, Listen to Virginia!!! I so loved her answer...

Ditto all the way...

Oh, I was just told by my son's teacher that the summer before 5th grade is when you tell boys about the "birds and bees"..... Girls, just about 11 years old, many are getting their periods earlier these days... at least start talking about modesty and bras if you are not ready for the girly conversation yet. It's a great beginning....

Good luck,
M.

A 12 year old never wants a parent to hang out with them. Just make sure you drive them to the movies. Go get coffee near by or see another movie. Arrive 15 min before the movie gets out and wait for them. At this age they do indeed have some feelings for boys but not the same as an adult to adult. Do not go nuts on this or you will alienate your daughter. At this age kids switch boys like napkins. Hopefully you have already had that talk with her if not dont do it for their first date or movie etc. She will be nervous enough.

Now is the time to tell her about the birds and the bees sexc then stepaback and let them have fun of going places together relax and good luck A. north hills i raised 4children and they all turned out fine

Hello R.-
You have alot of good advise... I would talk to your daughter and explain that she is getting older and things will be changing with herself and boys her age. Boys may be more interested in her than before and explain what some may want. Encourage her to ask you questions, let you know if any boy becomes inappropriate.... keep a good line of communication and than you will see when SHE feels like its more than just a play date... ask her if she has kissed a boy, if they have tried to kiss her...does she want them to... but keep it lite at first to see where her thinking is, without giving her ideas or making her uncomfortable..

Good Luck!!