When Parents Don't Agree

If this is all about his being unwilling to drive her (lame), she can find other transportation. Busses & carpooling.

If he thinks this is 'too much'?

Welcome to the wake up call!!!

Highschool sports & drama are usually held EVERY DAY.

Drama productions from dismissal - 9pm EVERY DAY, and week before opening, expect a week of "done at midnight".

Sports (with travel & overnights), are a bit different (every day, and then night games some nights, day games, home games, away games), but still intense.

The 2 evenings & 1 weekend day is LIGHT LIGHT LIGHT for highschool.

So splash some cold water on that man, if the issue is he thinks its too much!

I would not give in to him. She wants this, you want this for her, he should not get to just say no. Stand up for her.

I don't think the time you listed is unreasonable at all for that activity at that age.

I wouldn't use the "it's her dream!" argument, I'd stick to today's reality, but I would need a really good reason for why he "was absolutely uncomfortable with that amount of time" because it makes no sense for him to be "uncomfortable".

Um, neither. Do not pull her out of the production, and do not let him do it either. Just because HE said to doesn't mean you have to agree. I would tell him that you respectfully disagree and that if she gets cast, she will participate. If it ends up being a bad experience, then you'll all know and figure out what to do differently next time.

My oldest son (14) plays hockey for a recreational team (August - April) and his high school's JV team (November - February). Between both teams he'll have 4-5 practices and at least two games a week. This is his life and his choice, and we support him (our three other kids also have activities).

Your daughter has her own life and her own dreams - stand up to your husband and help her stretch herself. If it doesn't work out, then live and learn. And if it does work out, then how wonderful for her!

When parents ask me about what their children should be involved in as extracurricular activities, I remind them, whatever their children are interested in. If they have a passion, allow them to follow it.

She sounds pretty remarkable. Advanced classes with good grades. She has also shown she is dedicated to this interest.

Our daughter attended a fine Arts Academy for high school. She too was always in the advanced/honor classes as well as fulfilling the requirements to graduate with the extra Fine Arts Diploma. This set her apart, from other students applying to college. It showed she fulfilled the highest honors in 2 ways in High School.

She was able to keep up with all of her homework, projects as well as the extras that went along with her Fine Arts classes.. AND, she never took PE at school instead she also took Rowing classes for 6 years, so that she could take all 7 periods of classes. Yes, even through her senior year!

She learned to manage her time. She has NEVER had a set bedtime. Instead we made a deal with her a long time ago, that "you can stay up as late as you like, but you have to get up and be ready for school on time, or we WILL set a bedtime". She knew her limits. She is a smart kid. She was prepared for college and scheduling her own time.

I bet your child is too.

I get the feeling there is something else going on with your husband. Try to help him figure out what his concerns really are.

FYI, Your daughter has this passion, and the more your husband denies her the ability to participate, the more she will resent him. If she can keep up with her school work.. Let her try.

This drama production only takes an extra 9 hours a week? That is very minor in the world of extra-curriculars........

Sorry, hubby is being very selfish about this.... I agree that this is a dream she has, and if she is willing to do all the extra work, she should be allowed to do it if she can keep up with her extra responsibilities.....

I think you need to talk to him again, and try to figure out WHY he is against this commitment......

No way I would roll over on this one. You and your husband are sooo lucky to have such talented AND motivated daughter! Try to reason with your husband that he needs to give the girl a space to pursue her passions. No bird is happy in a cage. He certainly does not want to be hated by the girl for ruing this opportunity for her. This is such a delicate age, she is working on something that she feels passionate about, he should be happy.

Ok. So this will only take up 3 days of her week for approx 4 months. She will still be in bed at the right time and will still have time for homework and her other activities. Transport to and from rehearsal has been already arranged between you and your other daughter. Wed - Sat can be used for getting some family time in. Plus the biggie...... this is her dream!! Awwwww, let her do it!! I REALLY don't see the problem with it. If she did get the part, he would break her heart not letting her go. :-( Oh and if he doesn't back down on this - he has to do the dirty work and tell the director and more importantly your daughter why she can't go.

No, you absolutely do NOT call the director and have her taken off the audition list. Please do NOT let your husband have his way in this. He is WRONG.

This is your daughter's passion. She needs to be allowed to try it. She gets good grades. You haven't given one good reason for her not to be able to do it.

You need to overrule your husband in this. No way would I allow my husband to wrongly stop my daughter from pursuing her passion. Also, it's great that you are firm on the bedtime, but if she has activities that get in the way, you might have to start being a little flexible on bedtimes one or two days a week.

Please don't take her out. It will crush her. There's a good chance she won't make it anyway, but if she does, it will be a better experience for her than all the science, math and English classes this whole semester.

Oooh, well put Sunni - "No bird is happy in a cage." Awesome.

Three days a week is a very relaxed rehearsal schedule. I do community theater and we rehearse five to six nights a week, three to four hours a night, depending on the show.
She is fourteen and has a drive and a passion for performing. She NEEDS to have the chance to perform. It's time for Daddy to cut some apron strings.

His reason sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with the commitment.
It's difficult since both parents really need to come to agreement.
But one parent should not have the veto power (like he does) over something regarding the kids.
Having said that I don't recommend everyone go against their partners wishes but this could be something really great for her.
Our kids are into theatre. One is into a sport. While our schedules can be a bit grueling at times, nothing a little planning on our parts can't handle.
The one that's really into a few things keeps her grades up! All A's.

If he's unwilling to compromise, I'd say he definitely needs to be the one to tell your daughter AND call the director!

If it were me, I think I'd revisit the subject w/hubby trying to talk to him again. Don't come at it hard, just reasonably.

She's 2 years away from driving & another 2 years from being on her own.

I don't think he gets to make this decision. This will be an invaluable experience for her, and she's more than old enough to handle it. The time commitments are reasonable. I say this as someone who was very involved in school and town theater for years.

He doesn't have to like it, he just has to tolerate it. At the end of the process, he'll be more proud of her than he could ever imagine. I really believe this is something you should fight for since your daughter firmly believes that theater is the direction she wants her life to go. It's very important that she gets comfortable in the theater atmosphere and community. It's possible that he's thinking it's a hobby or a phase and that he doesn't realize how serious she is about this. Please don't let him make this mistake.

L., let me say that I totally understand where you are with this. Both of my daughters are crazy about dance, and are in a pre-professional ballet program that requires a big time commitment (but, same as you, I do not think it's unreasonable, and doesn't get in the way of their schoolwork). You are absolutely correct that having this experience will help your daughter. This is her dream, and she has worked hard so far to achieve what she has. She will need to have such experiences under her belt if she hopes to go to a college with a good theater program, and if she hopes to audition for Broadway musicals.

How about this - can you suggest to your husband that your daughter be allowed to give it a try? See how things go for a few weeks. If it becomes apparent that she is struggling with school, or becoming overwhelmed, then you can re-visit this issue. However, being that this is something she REALLY wants to do, I imagine she will excel, and it will be a moot point.

You may also point out that kids who tend to achieve at the highest levels academically are also those who excel in another area (sports, music, the arts). These kids are just very driven and disciplined. Having this creative outlet may actually HELP your daughter in school, rather than hinder her.

I'd just see if he would be willing to compromise on this, and see how things go. Your daughter would be crushed to have her dad take this away from her at this point! It's like he's saying he has no confidence in her, and that he doesn't think she knows what she can and can't handle. That's not fair to her.

Uh... That is NOT that big of a commitment! When I was in high school, I was in the all school play 3 years. The first 2 years I was an extra, the last year I was the student director.

Every year, rehearsals were 5pm-8pm Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday from late September to late November. Every single person who had a part in the play was required to be at each rehearsal... Even the extras who were only in 3 scenes!

It is still like this (My youngest sister just performed in the play for this year).

It seems like a lot, but we all had a lot of fun and the end product was always amazing! :)

I would let your daughter do it even if it wasn't her dream, but since it is... DEFINITELY let her do it!

Think it was a knee jerk reaction on his part? It was late, maybe he was cranky etc. I wouldn't give in yet. The time commitment really doesn't sound unreasonable at all for a 14 yr old these days.... Keep talking to him. Make him say what would be reasonable. Point out likely no options that fit. So what does your daughter do? If still he won't change his ,ind, make him tell her...

Do not let him quash her dream. If this is who she is meant to be then it is who she should be. It is HER path and no one should tell her to not pursue it. Even if she doesn't get a role working back stage will help her to learn.

Yes, any experience she can get now will be valuable to her. Even getting her into modeling will help. She will learn how to act on set and be in front of a camera and smile even when she doesn't feel like it.

I have told my husband that 'this is a battle i will fight for' or ' this is non negotiable', if it was something that was absolutely important to me or in your case, your daughter. Then he backs off.

Let us know if she gets the part.

I would put my foot down on this one, especially since HE won't be affected at all.
I'm all for respecting my husband's wishes (most of the time) but there have been times I have said, no I'm sorry but I'm going to do XYZ because this is important to me (our one of our kids.) He may be angry at first, but he always gets over it.
(I should add that it works both ways, sometimes he makes a call or decision that I don't agree with, and I get over it too.)
I think it's impossible for parents to agree on everything, all of the time, and if you back off and "give him this authority" as you say, I think it will create resentment, not only between you and your husband, but BOTH of you and your daughter.
ETA: my 13 year old is a competitive gymnast and works out YEAR ROUND, Mon & Wed 5:30-8:30 and Fri 5:00-7:30, and she does JUST FINE.

Okay, so she has 3 hours of dance a week, plus extra tutoring in singing...during school or after school and how many hours 2-4? Then theater which add's up to an extra nine hours a week? So about 14-16 hours of extra's on top of schooling?

I'm gonna agree with your husband, but only a little. I think I see his concern, only not his reasons for saying no right off the bat. He's going to have to learn to accept that as she get's older, family time as he knows it, is going to change. That's the reality, and that's what most parents want for their children. It is an adjustment, but the sooner he can accept that, the better.

So what to do? In my house I tend to get final say since it is usually me that something like that would have the greatest impact on. We decided long ago that it was just better that way. Of course I listen to what he has to say, and take that into consideration, but final vote is mine. If he really put's a veto on something he knows he has to be the one to break the news and deal with the backlash. I refuse to be the fall guy for a choice that isn't mine. That does go both ways, I've said no and he has said yes before..so I deal with it.

Maybe talk to your husband about the fact that kids who are involved in extra curricular activities, such as sports or the arts, tend to have better grades, less drug/alcohol/tobacco use, and lower instances of teen pregnancy. Keeping kids busy keeps them out of trouble! He may have an easier time with that than the "quashing her dreams" argument, if he is anything like my husband :)

Hi L., I hear ya. I aim high too, with my kids. Sky's the limit, you can do whatever you want to do, ALWAYS go for it, I can't do it FOR you but I will help you everytime, we will find a way to get you where you want to be, and so on...

Their father does not feel the same way. He instills guilt that a state school is not 'good enough', that she doesn't NEED to compete nationally (in our case gymnastics), that he had nothin' and turned out just fine. Etc.

Well I had nothin' too, and my philosophy is directly the opposite. It's SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BE THIS THING, I SEE NO REASON WHY IT CAN'T BE YOU (said to my kids daily).

I am perfectly fine "doing his dirty work" if it benefits our kids. I mean I over-ride his veto on a regular basis, for 21 years, just since I KNOW he'll be pleased with the outcome. I HAVE done it many times. The result of this (even though we've been divorced for 6 years) is his enjoying bragging rights about the things his kids have achieved about which he's been the Voice Of Doom all along.

So, of COURSE it's not fair YOU have to pick up the slack. But there are a zillion things unfair about parenthood. And if you keep your mind focused on WHAT'S BEST FOR THE KID, not WHY DO *I* ALWAYS HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS, you will ALL be richly rewarded.

I mean, least that's how it worked out for us.

:)

My vote is: that your daughter be allowed, to do this.
Your Husband is being selfish.
Your daughter seems mature, and realizes what this commitment would mean and how busy this will be.

And yes, it is your HUSBAND who should be doing the "dirty work" of telling his daughter, that she cannot participate. HE... has to do this. Not you.

As it is, and as you said, Monday and Tuesday nights are not "bonding" times anyway. And Wed. thru Saturdays would be "family" time (as your Husband requires), and it would be unaffected by the production.

Show your Husband this post, if you can.

Again, if your Husband does not allow, his daughter to participate, then HE SHOULD BE TELLING his daughter, not you.

If this extra activity over commits her time, I can see that being a concern. However, I don't seem to get why your husband needs all the kids "safe at home" to be able to unwind. Honestly, that threw me for a loop. Kids get older and they begin to spend less time at home and that is just something that happens in life. I know your husband wants to know his family is safe, but that is quite over the top and his disapproval of the time/hours for rehearsal (if she gets in) seems unfounded. This might be a great experience for your daughter and he seems to be missing that whole point. It's only a few hours a week and kids greatly benefit from having non-academic activities and interests. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of new things being introduced into your typical routine. But that's life...it doesn't stay the same and things won't always be comfortable or convenient. I would not take her off the list or be the one to tell her no. Let him do his own dirty work.

Your daughter and husband need to have a heart to heart and then, YES, dad needs to make the call "do the dirty work",UNLESS he decides it will be OK for your daughter to continue if she is selected for the part.

I would talk to hubby before making a final decision. Tell him that you don't feel it is too much and you don't even know if she is going to be picked. Ask him to reconsider, letting the process continue. If she is picked and he still doesn't want her to do it, then he should be the one to tell her. If she she is picked and is as happy as she is sure to be, most dads wouldn't have the heart to tell her no.

My inclination is that I would not take her name off the list. If he was going to do that, HE has to tell your daughter first and make that call afterwards.

I truly believe that we are to respect and honor our husbands' opinions, especially pertaining to our families.

That being said, I would never let my husband's opinion override something that I believed to be in my child's best interests (at least I hope I never would).

I have a theater kid, too, and let me tell you - the only end to this is to let her burn it out of her system or eventually find success in that world. That's how I would pose it to my husband: "Honey, the more we fight this the more she will want to do it."

If I were in your shoes I would not make the call and I would not require my daughter to withdraw her name. But I would handle it very, very carefully behind closed doors so as not to undermine my husband.

Good luck - hopefully it all works out for the best.

There is a reason that God gave children Mom's. Since my own daughters are grown they now understand how everything from Christmas to Soccer got done. We know our kids it is our job. Try to talk to your husband but if that does not work then I would just say I am sorry but if she makes it I think she deserves a shot. In this day and age when kids have so many temptations to do bad things I think we should encourage all dreams.

My solution to your problem is to drop the Monday dance practice or find another studio/team that practices on Wed, Thur. or Fri afternoons. Save Friday nights and Saturdays exclusively for family time. If your daughter gets the part, your daughter has zero time for homework and/or down time on Monday and very little on Tuesday - and that's too much for two days in a row.

And now for the part where you receive answers to the Mamasource questions that you didn't ask:
- Your husband needs to pay you for your professional accounting services - and then that paycheck goes right into the family joint checking account.
- I would be disappointed if my daughter auditioned for a play without my wife consulting her husband about about the future time commitment and the possible impact on the family dynamic. That being said, the call to the play director is now yours to make since you took it upon yourself to allow the audition.
- Authority is not the right word to use. No spouse has authority over the other; that's not a marriage.

Your husband and your daughter need to talk about it. Maybe if he hears it from HER just how much she wants it, then he'll be more likely to get on board? Maybe she can sign a written contract that says she has to keep her grades above a B, still do her chores, or whatever else is expected of her with her "normal" schedule.

Hmmm....thinking I'm glad to be single because I'm so not agreeing with your hubby. Yes, Mondays will be hectic, but this is NOT an unreasonable time commitment. It doesn't come close to the time commitment requirements for boys' football or wrestling, high school drama, etc. It's also only about 12 weeks, which is again something that could be tolerated for that period of time. Teenagers increase their independence and spend more time away from home with their peer groups, practicing, etc., and your daughter is asking to do just that. I think your hubby needs to reset his expectations about all his girls being home when he is. If your daughter is willing to make the commitment, has your support to get her to practice and is offered a part, I wouldn't make her drop out. Next time, I might try to find out in advance or set up some ground rules with hubby in advance, but to me, the current production is a train that has already left the station.

I would sit down with him and her and discuss the current commitments and the commitment for the show. For example, if she does this show, but ALSO has several other activities (like dance), I can understand his concern. Maybe til April she drops one of her other activities to make room for this if she is cast. IMO, I suspect his concern is not the show per se but yet another demand on her time when she's already got several other things going on. If it was just the show, he might not be so vocal.

Maybe the compromise is that she does this one show (it's only til the beginning of April) and sees how it goes and if it falls flat then she doesn't get to audition again. We allowed my sks to take on activities, including theatre, but only if they kept their grades up and were responsible. SD was doing crew at least from about that age, often not being picked up after school til 6:30 many nights. So while not the exact same schedule, it was a big time sink, especially the last weeks before the show when rehearsal might run til 10PM. She didn't do anything else when she was in shows. SS did successfully juggle a musical, another club and wrestling but he was hopping and he was older. He later quit sports to get a PT job. But no matter what they were in, school had to be a priority. When I was in college, our Improv leader sat us down with a list of all the shows and movies he'd been in and how much he got paid. He reminded us that there's a reason a lot of actors have additional jobs. He told us that we should never sacrifice our education for the job. Yes, sometimes people drop out of college and make it big, but that's being hit by lightening. So make sure she's not doing so much for the dream that she forgets to keep her grades up.

When DH and I don't agree, I try to find out why. Maybe there's a bit of info missing. Or maybe he has a reason he wants to die on that hill. You need to keep talking. Not arguing, but talking.

I would keep talking to DH. She may not even be cast. But I wouldn't call the director just yet.

I would ask Hubby if he would have a heart to heart with your daughter before a call is made. That way both of them would have the chance to hear each others concerns and wants.