When That Siginificant Other Comes Along!

I think you are ABSOLUTELY right and don't change a thing!! If I were a single parent, I would do the same thing :)
W.

I think you are a healthy woman living in a toxic relationship time! When all the birds are out of the nest that's when you can fly! But I think you are doing it right!

J.,
You are absolutely right, first the kids! If and when you find someone else, they must understand that. You have a family. They need to fit into the mix, not want to change things. You are a package deal! Why would anyone want to change that? Not good! Stay way from those people. You are right and you know you're right, you just need to hear someone say YOU ARE RIGHT! Kids first, you are the mom! They need you.
Good Luck!

Shortly after her divorce, my mother jumped into a relationship, out of vulnerability, and put us on the back burner. As an adult, I understand now that she was hurt and was looking for comfort, but as a child and adolescent, I was very resentful of it. We were all very upset with her. It was rough, we hated the guy. My mother has been divorced from him 10 years now and she realized she made the biggest mistake to ever put a man before her children. The relationship we had with our mother was very strained for a long time and thankfully, it is great now.
Coming from the child's stand point, your children will be grateful to you. I don't think you shouldn't date, but be cautious about who you have your children meet. Ideally, they don't meet him unless it's serious and it is leading to marriage. I would have loved to see my mom in a healthy relationship where her spouse came into our family understanding that we came first. My father never re-married, but he dated a woman who understood that we were first. She was/is amazing. She treated us as if we were her own and sadly, the dummy never married her.

i say good for you!!! and many kudos....but now that the youngest child will be on their own soon, i think now's a good time for MOM.....a child that age is certainly mature enough to understand adult needs, and may surprize you by being happy that you're finally dating!!!!!!!....i don't think that you're looking for advice, i think you're looking for approval...only you can be the judge...but don't feel guilty either way....if you want to go out on a date, your child should understand that....if you want to be with your child then your friend should understand.....if they don't, then neither is very mature, and the friend should go, and the child stay home for a few more years.......just my thoughts....you've been so busy taking care of other people that you've pushed YOURSELF to the back burner....i say: move to the front and get cookin' mamma!!!!!

GOOD FOR YOU...I am 80 years old and have seen so many people do it the other way around and it's refreshing to hear you have your priorities straight...God Bless You! and your chi8ldren will too!

I agree with you. Anyone worth your time should be on board with this, too. My husband died almost 3 years ago and my youngest has 3 more years of high school. I won't even contemplate a relationship until she is in college (even tho the thought of dating makes me want to hurl, but that is beside the point). She deserves my attention first and foremost. Do what is comfortable for you.

I held the same values and cannot disagree. I dated a guy who was okay around my daughter, but wasn't really into her, so it didn't work. When I met my husband, he didn't want kids, but he and my daughter hit it off (well, first he and I did).

It is so easy to say, "with the right person", but too many times that right person doesn't come around and you have to be prepared to say if he doesn't come around, then I will have to do what ever it takes to keep my children happy.

I am sure if that person had already walked into your life, you would not have denied yourself or your children that relationship.

I don't think you were hard on yourself at all. But now that it is almost time for yourself, don't get too wild, but have fun!!!!

J.,
If it felt right to you it was the right thing. I'm sure that although you weren't dating, your life didn't stop! I've been a single mom since my daughter was an infant, and I tried dating for a while. Like you, I only ran into men who didn't understand that my daughter came first. I was also going through school, so dating either took time away from my daughter or studying, so it wasn't the right time. She's now nine, and I am still single. I am not lonely, and tho she is my first priority, that doesn't mean she is the complete and only center of my world. I have wonderful understanding friends, and am very fulfilled without the need to date. I'm sure when she is out of the house I will have more time, and dating might be more appealing, but for now I love the time I spend with her. I will never regret that time. You don't get it back!! You have done the right thing, and now get your groove on girl!

I think you are AWESOME!!! That is exactly how it should be. I am WITH someone that was pushed on that backburner by his mom for her boyfriends, and even as an adult, he STILL harbors that pain and feeling of abandonment. His mom would even cook for her man, but made her kids eat Ramen noodles while her boyfriend got steak and potatoes for dinner. Sometimes, they just had to eat sandwiches. It really is sad, because although he loves his mother, he loves MY mother more, and he has only known HER for three years. I think you did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself, and take a spa day, 'cause it sounds like YOU deserve it. Way to go mom!

Are you asking this because other people are critiquing your way of life and decisions?

Each woman is different in how they juggle all this. No one person is wrong or right....but you have to see what is "happy" for you and your children and ALL of your well-being.

My friend was like that for a long time, nothing wrong with it. But, inside, she was lonely. Nothing is 'wrong' with satisfying another man... as this is part of any reciprocal relationship and being part of a loving relationship. ANY human being has needs and needs to be satisfied and for the other to be 'caring.'

But, while this may appear to push their children to the 'backburner'....maybe this is not so. Or it is. But, that is their decision to deal with and live with.

My friend... was single for many many years... and like I said she was internally lonely, for an adult loving relationship. There is no fault in that. Her kids are ALWAYS her priority...but so finally she met a man, he accepted her children (all 3 of them ranging in age from 9 to 13), and they got married. They are very happy, together as a family. Her kids LOVE their step-dad. He in turn loves them like a 'real' Dad. She has a loving adult relationship and is nurtured this way. ANY person needs to be nurtured too, from a partner. Most everyone. It makes life rounded. It gives closure.

In any event, each woman is different. But what is good for one, is not necessarily for another. It's okay. There is no animosity against those who choose to date/have a relationship and have their children at the same time. But yes, I have seen some children that ARE pushed aside for the "Man" or the "Woman," and this to me, is harsh and not nurturing for the children. It will affect them, probably not in a nice way.

Is there a reason you are wondering about this, or why it is causing some tension? As that is the way it 'sounds' in your posting... but if I took it the wrong way, I'm sorry.

Each Parent is different... yes, children need the WHOLE entire Parent... but it's hard to juggle, even for families with both parents. Any "married" couple has to contend with this as well...not just single parents. It's a constant 'balancing' act. And sometimes, even the Parent or Spouse feels pushed aside by the other Spouse... because the children are naturally "first." Life's dilema....

All the best,
Susan

I wish alot more moms were like you!My mom was a single mom and when a man would come along she would make him her priority!Let me just tell you how it turned out.My sister moved out when she was 15 and my middle sister couldnt waite to move out when she was 17 and I got pregnant at 16yrs old.During my pregnancy my mom got remarried.I knew nothing about being a mom at that age. My mom was too buisy trying to satisfy her new husband so she sent me and my new baby off to live with my sister!Guess what, the marriage only lasted 2years.Lets just say I am 28 years old now and till this day I still struggle with it.I have been married for almost 10 years and and have 3 handsome boys and I would do anything for them!I have to give you kuddos for being a Great Mom!! ")

My mother (a single mom) put everything and everyone on the back-burner and me first. It was extremely hard for her (I know this now) but nearly everyday I thank her for it. She made it known to me and anyone else, that I was her priority. In fact, I never even met any significant other until my senior year in high school. It never even dawned on me that my mother dated! Good luck and keep doing what you know to be right.

Hi J.,

I was a single mother for 15 years (since my daughter was just months old). I just recently married 1.5 years ago and it has been extremely tough! I, like you, refused to put any man before my daughter and have always been idenpendent. I work f/t and received my Masters during these 15 years of being a single parent. I only share this with you to show my level of independence and self-sufficiency.

Now, although my current husband and I dated for 7 years prior to marrying, I never really allowed him the "opportunity" to build a strong relationship because of my "independent" way (now I see it as stubborn and quite controlling). I share this with you bc in the end, the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to allow them to become a part of "your" life. You can have both and so can they. At the end of the day, you will become more set in your ways and find yourself less tolerant to anyone who doesn't fit in your mold. By allowing somebody you trust to take part in your children's lives will only make things easier for you and create a much happier home.

I wish you all the best.

Frankly, I think you and your children possibly missed out on a loving family this past ten yrs.
You seem to have made your children first and that is not the normal way it goes in a family. It is you, husband, and then children. A relationship doesn't push the children to the back burner as you think, it just puts them in their own spot in the family.
To let a relationship push your kids to the back burner is not good for sure, but you could have had both.....

Sounds to me like you're a really, really good mom!

Hi, J.,

I agree with Alicia B.

You sound like a caring parent. However, caring about your kids does not mean that you must avoid dating. By dating carefully (dating men of good character) and not completely neglecting your kids, you can model excellent decision-making and social/dating skills for your kids while enjoying all facets of your life.

It seems as though many people think that you must make a choice between kids and dates/boyfriends/potential mates. Why not spend time with the kids and the men at the same time? Kids can benefit from the presence of a good male role model, and a good date/boyfriend/mate will accept and even welcome spending perhaps not all his time with you accompanied by your kids but at least some of his time with you accompanied by your kids.

One of my friends became widowed in her 30s when her husband died of pancreatic cancer. Her three kids were less than 10, the youngest being just one year old! To demand that she stay single until her youngest is an adult, almost 20 years, seems unreasonably draconian to me. I've known many men who became excellent stepfathers to kids who consider them their fathers although the kids know that these men are not their biological fathers.

In sum, I think that it's fine to stay single if that is what's comfortable to you and it's also fine to seek out another partner if you strive to date only honorable men.

Best wishes,
Lynne E

J.,

I read your request, and have been thinking about it all morning...

I am a single Mom to a 2.5 year old little miracle and have struggled with 'dating' and putting myself out there. When I split from his father, I knew that my son was going to be my priority and he has been. In fact, due to his preemie birth and health issues post-birth, I have put everything on hold until I have felt okay with moving towards a new relationship. Not to brag, but my new therapist says that is a very mature and wise choice, to put one's children before their needs...

That isn't to say I haven't wondered about how it would be, and I have even questioned if it's necessary. My life does have adult interaction, hobbies and I now work full-time. Recently, I started 'dating' and seeing what was out there and realized I had a lot to learn about myself and the type of man that could integrate into our family as it is without too much disruption. So, without putting myself TOO far out there, I have begun seeing a man who is a single father and understands visitation orders, making time for yourself and being a part of an unconventional family. Not that I didn't meet some frogs in the process...but, again it's a process and it doesn't have to include your kiddos until you think you are ready for them to know this person and he's not going to exit your life abruptly. I have yet to introduce my son to a single 'date' to this day, because he has so much more to learn from someone like his grandpa and uncle who will always be there for him...no matter what happens between me and someone I date.

Geez, even in my parents relationship, my Mom made it clear to my Dad that her kiddos were first and he loved that about my Mom. They've been married for over 35 years, and I think if there is respect and understanding and love, it can work.

Don't worry about rushing into something, and since your kids are older make sure you talk to them about moving forward with relationships and how they feel. Even though dating is about finding you a partner, I have been advised that making your kids feel like their opinion matters is very important, once you introduce them to your partner. And of course, like with any process it takes practice and repitition...so, don't be afraid to get out there and give it a shot.

You have done what you felt was best for your kids, and I only hope I can continue to have that kind of strength and judgment for my own son. No one is more important in my eyes than our kiddos and their well-being...

Cheers,
D.

I want to support and applaud you for putting your kids first! I am in absolute agreement with you that they are the priority and that as long as you have children in the home, their needs have to take priority over a relationship. If the relationship is worth having, then I would imagine the significant other would appreciate not only your commitment to your children, but being involved with a woman of character. If the person has a hard time appreciating your choice, then they are not worth it.

I RESPECT you IMMENSELY!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish there were more parents that realize that they are parents first, and lovers second (in subsequent relationships that is). I think that a lot of the time when it comes to the original parent's relationship you have to remember that you were the two of you before the kids and have to work to remain that way when they leave. But if/when that relationship does not work out perfectly, you gotta put the kiddos first exactly as you have done.

There is nothing wrong with what you have done, and how you have gone about it.

Your children most likely appreciate you and love how strong you are. If they don't realize it yet, trust that they will.

Thank you for being a good role model of a strong parent and woman!

Yay for you :) If the other cannot accept what you say from the start, that your kids come first, then too bad for them and they are not worth the time :)

J., I think its a balance and a hard balance that even married parents cannot always figure out. I was a single parent for 10 years. I dated when my kids went to their dad's. If for some reason he could not get them on his weekend (and this happened a lot) then I cancelled my plans. I just figured that "the right man" would understand it and be okay with it. So for 10 years most men could not adjust to my way of thinking, so they obviously did not remain in my life. The man who could adjust (my current husband) was fine with it. The hard part was once we got married. It was difficult for my girls to adjust to having another adult, specifically a man in the home and it was extremely difficult on my current husband to be in a home with kids that he had no say about. However, we worked it out. I also believe that as a parent it is my responsibility to show my girls what a good, loving relationship is about and how to make one work. I believe kids learn by example. I have a great husband and amazing kids and we are a well adjusted blended family. It's not easy, but nothing that is worth having comes easy. We all 4 work on our relationship and it works. My girls don't live at home anymore. One is in her 3rd year in college and the other lives on her own, but our family dynamic is good and it's good with someone that I love and my girls love and we are all loved.

I guess this is the long version of do what's best for you and work it out as a family. You deserve to be happy and just because you love a man who is not the father of your children does not mean that you are putting your kids on the backburner. There are moms and dads who do this but you do not have to be one of them, nor do you have to feel like you are one of them.

best of luck in whatever comes your way.

Hi J.,

I am not only a 46 yo, previously single mom of a now 20-yo, I am also a family life coach living on the West Coast. I want to cheer you on and acknowledge you for making and then following through on your commitment to put your child first. Although it can be very tough on a new relationship, at the end of the day you committed to the child first.

Today I am now the second mom to my husband's 10 yo son. It took a lot of soul searching and prayer for me to commit to not only my husband, but to making the child the priority until he becomes 18. I had raised my child already and knew the commitment it takes to successfully raise a child. I did not know if I was will to sacrifice like that again. Whether you are bring a child into a second relationship or receiving the honor of a child in the second relationship, in my humble opinion meeting the needs of the child must be a top priority. So I committed to my new family with both eyes open. Not many people take the time to do that when they meet and fall in love, it is tough.

Although I make meeting the needs of the child a priority, this in no way means that children dictate what goes on in the family home. As adults, we are still the responsible parties and we call the shots! So be careful that you are not allowing your child to dictate the tone and the direction of the family in that way. Your relationship has priority as well.

My husband and I have a great relationship. We find time for ourselves and we have the joy of parenting a wonderful child. Being on the same page, aligning our priorities, and lots of communication seems to be the key.

Keep up the good work!
~Coach D.

I think you're doing the right thing and applaud you. Your children are very lucky to have such an amazing mom.

Hi J..

I just want to say how refreshing it is to hear that. Because I totally agree. I haven't read the reponses, but I think it's great that you focus on your children first. My thinking is, you brought them into this world, and for 18 years they should be your focus. They are only young once and they need that parental focus. Kudoa to you for being a strong woman and not giving into to a man to feel fulfilled and leaving your children to compete for your attention. I'm sure it's hard, but it will be so worth it! What a great role model and mother you are!

M.

You sound like a pretty amazing and unselfish woman. You have made you children your priority and they are better people for that. When you're ready for the next chapter in your life you'll find your significant other.

I am not a single mom, however I grew up in a single parent household. My mother dated when we were young and it didn't screw us up for life. She was showing us that she could have her own identity and her own relationships. Granted she didn't bring every guy back to meet us only the ones that she felt she wanted in her kids life...so there weren't that many. However, I learned a lot from this. The ups and downs of relationships, the way a mother can balance a life of her own and still keep her kids a priority. So I have taken that model with me with my kids.
My relationship with my husband does not push my daughter to the backburner. It is about finding balance. Hopefully when your last child is out of the house you will feel able to let that child go out and experience life and you can find the life you want(one that isn't completely centered around your children)

I think your fight. Children should come first.

J.

J.,

I was also a single mom for 14 years. My husband and I met when my daughter was 12. We did the long distance dating, so there was no problem with interferring in our daily life. We lived 6 hours away from each other, so, our main contact was phone calls and emails and instant messaging. We only spent long periods of time talking after she was asleep or when she was not at home, like at church youth activities or outside playing with friends. He knew she was my top priority. When he was around, we took her and did activities with her and then we would go and do something just the 2 of us. I lived with my parents at the time, so there was no problem with having someone watch her. Most of the time, she was with us. They got along great and we made sure to take it slowly. Her biological dad has never been in the picture. When we started to talk seriously about getting married, we talked with her about it and got her feelings. She was included in all of the planning for the wedding. We now have 2 girls together and she has been included in all of the nursery decorating and baby shower that we had and anything we do with the little ones she is involved. She is now 17 and will graduate from high school this year. The little ones are 19 months old and 9 months old. So, as you can see, I am starting over. My husband had never had kids of his own before our 2. He is the best daddy and a most wonderful husband. You have to do what is right for you and your family. I made sure to include my daughter in everything because she did not want to be made to feel unimportant. Our oldest and my husband are so fun to watch together now. They are both so funny. Best of Luck!

Hi J.,
If you have ever listened to Dr. Laura you would know you definitely did the correct thing by putting the children as a priority. She says you should wait until they are out of the house before having a relationship at all:) Thanks for doing the right thing...I know your children benefited from it.
H.

You are doing the right thing. Now that she is almost out of the house go ahead and have the time you need and your other wants to spend together. You won't regret that you cared for your children.

Oh J.,

Dr. Laura would be so proud. You are right, the kids come first and the other adult should, if he is a true amn, understand this.

Your time is almost done. And wait for Mr. Perfect. HE will be worth the wait.

L. A.

i think you're right. i even go as far to say that single parents shouldn't date at all until the kids are gone :) good for you, and good luck with the dating scene:)

Hi J., I think you are right in your way of doing things, kids must come first before another party. Now the fact that you have older kids opens more doors for you to have a relationship with someone, it's different when you have small kids cause it's not really safe to bring a another person around your small children, that's why I tell my young daycare moms who are single, until you have a ring on your hand, they don't meet your child. My advice to you would be even though you are are 46 is when you do get into a relationship with someone, keep it a pure dating relationship, because if a man can't respect you, he can't love you, and it will set a great example to your older children. Plus when women tell a man no sex till marriage and he sticks around, you know he really loves you. J. L.

Do you ever wonder if maybe you missed an opportunity for happiness along the way while raising your kids? Just curious. I don't know that I can give concrete advice...at the end of the day it's your life and your decisions and you have to live with all of it. But I can relay what I've experienced...

I was a single mom for a couple of years and I dated my husband now during that time. I didn't intend to be dating then, but I won't lie and say that the companionship wasn't welcome either. I belive, when you divorce and you are on your own...sure you need to and really should learn to live on your own and become your own person-particularly if you didn't get that opportunity prior to marriage. But, you're going to spend your whole life getting to know yourself, really, because you are always growing and changing/evolving a person regardless of who is or isn't in your life. In fact, it's the people, the circumstances, the highs and low, the joys and sorrows that make you who you are. You can either grab life by the horns and live it to the fullest-because it is, as we all know, far too short. Or you can shrink from it...deny things/feelings/experiences/opportunities, etc. under the guise of martyrdom for your children. Which would be the better example for them?

I want my son to live life to it's fullest and know that it isn't always fair and it isn't always rosy and people are just darned imperfect (some far more so than others, again, as we all know). But I also want him to know that life is what you make of it. I want him to go out there and go for what he wants and to make his little part of the world a better place...I don't him to feel he has to hesitate or deny himself...there's got to be balance...that's got to be taught.

The church I was going to when I lived on the other side of town (I live in the Las Vegas valley and am currently in the Henderson part of that area), said that really, it's the marriage, the husband/wife, relationship that should come first. That that is who you vowed to commit to spend your whole life with. Your kids are not meant to spend their whole lives with you...generally you'll leave this world before them (or rather, hopefully you will leave before them...my heart breaks for those parents for whom the reverse happens). You are supposed to raise your kids and let them go...not permanently really, but let them go and live their own life. But that marriage you committed to is supposed to be for life.

I can confess honestly that neither I nor my ex-husband did that. And we let it go so hopelessly out of control that it was so far beyond repair-we were no longer the same people and what growing we did only shoved us so far apart as to render any love we had as totatlly gone. I'm not proud of how that whole relationship went. There were so many red flags that went ignored in the name martyrdom on my part...'oh I can live with this' 'Oh, we'll go to counseling/church/classes, etc. and it'll work out', 'Well, the classes/counseling/etc didn't work, but no matter how unhappy I am, I'll stay for my son's sake' etc., etc. And really the same on his...he was in denial about how badly we were hurting each other by remaining together and how that was affecting our little guy.

Fast forward a few years to present day. I am now married to a wonderful man-my highschool sweetheart (long, but lovely love story). And my ex is in a good relationship with someone more in tune with him. I can't speak for my ex and his relationship (other than I know this lady and she is wonderful with my son). But I can say that I do put my husband first. He would be ok with it if I put my son first (he said that all along), but I told him that my vows were made with him. That by ensuring that our wonderful, healthy, loving relationship stays just that, a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship, is one of the best models/lessons I can show my son. And there is balance...I carve out time for both my guys and we do spend time all together, too. I am there for both my guys. My husband doesn't want to be a father so we won't be having any kids of together. But he is slowly building a relationship with my son. But he's not my son's father and I did not marry him to be a father for my son. My son has a father who loves him very much and is, thankfully, very good to him and is there for him. I married my husband for him to be my husband, for the fact that he is my best friend and the love and companionship I have with him do make life a lot sweeter. I married him knowing that when life gets so hectic and I feel lost, even in my mommy-mode, I can turn to him and he's there for me. And I married him because sharing life with him is wonderful and fun and the most amazing experience. That's what I want my son to see. Now he sees his mommy is happy...he sees a good love modeled right before his eyes. And my little guy is one happy little kid, too! (And yes, when he's older and he asks, he'll hear the truth about my first marriage...that was quite the life lesson for me and I'd want him to know so he doesn't repeat the same mis-steps)

It's ok to need someone...really. We're all human and I don't believe we're meant to be alone. I feel blessed to have my two guys! I hope, if it's in your destiny, that you'll find someone who satisfies and brings happiness to your soul, too. Not that kids don't do that for us mommies...they absolutely do!...but it is different than what a good mate brings. I don't want to give the impression that I can't function alone...I can function both alone and with someone...but with someone is so much nicer. :-)

Hello J.. I completely agree with you. I have always felt that my children come first, which is why I don't date. I feel that any time I spend with a man, could be spent with them. I feel that it was my decision to have children, and just because things didn't work out with the dad and I, doesn't mean I should use this precious time to satisfy my own needs. I'll have plenty of time to date and meet and mingle when they are grown. Of course, there was a flaw in my theory, and I didn't expect to meet someone 6 years ago. It just kind of happened, and I broke my rule. My children still come first, which is why we have had problems in the past, but in this case, it's my way or the highway. Stand your ground.

I completly agree with you! My husband and I went to a Bible study that talked about divorce in Gods eyes. The Bible states that the parents are not sapoesed to re-marry. I think it is hard enough on kids to go through a divorce and even harder for them to have new parental figures brought in to their lives. You are an amazing woman for being single for so long and always putting your kids first!!!!

I think you have the right idea. The children come first. Best of luck to you.

I think you're right on target. You are a package deal and your children do come first. It's reassuring to know there's women out there that still believe that.

J.,
You are doing the right thing! No one should ever want to "change" a person they truly care about. You are NOT being hard on the other person; it sounds like they are being hard on YOU. If you did indeed make it clear up front how you felt about your children and they just don't "get it" then they probably aren't worth being in a serious relationship. Your children DO come first at this point in your life and again, I think you have made the right decision.

Best of luck to you!

M.

except it or move on. You do not owe anyone anything. You have boundaries and that is great. Good luck

I think you are right about putting children first. However, I wonder how it feels to be your partner under your rules. Your email gave me the impression that you may be intelligent, caring, a bit too much in control, a bit inflexible, and not easy to please. Your self-description of "quite reasonable" is not what came to my mind on a first read. I may be wrong, as I have many times before. You requested an honest and neutral opinion and that is all I have to give you. If you think I am right however, kids or no kids around, relationships are going to be a challenge. If I am right though, your intelligence will help you work on the other stuff. Best, Alicia

You so did the right thing!! The world needs more single moms like you who put kids first.
My husband and I have spoken of this often and should something happen to either one of us, we will not remarry till the kids are grown.
I've seen too many kids pushed aside for "studs" (and usually abusive ones at that) since I work in the daycare field.
And unfortunately my sister has fallen into this. She was on her third "marraige" by the time my neice was eight. Husband #3 works out of town and is only home on the weekends so my neice still has no stable male role model. We witness first hand my niece has been unable to form attachments to most family members. Most times she has close to someone (previous husbands or guys my sister dated) or something (she's had to say good bye to several houses and pets that went with the guys) the people are out of her life. My sister doesn't have time for my neice between her full time job and devoting all attention to her husband on the weekends. My niece is often in her room with the latest video games and her TV. It breaks my heart and I wish my sister would wake up.
Don't ever second guess any choices you made. Your years of sacrifice are well worth it as I'm sure you see everyday in the people your kids have become.

It sounds like you have to incorporate both and not put one in front of the other. I don't think a S.O. would appreciate being told they are not as important in your life. Yes your first obligation is to your children, but you can include your SO in every aspect of that. You don't have to tell them that. Now if they try to take your time away from your children all the time that is different. You can't find someone who wants to be single, but someone who wants a family and you can all do things together. Even if you were married to the father of your children you would have to make time for the two of you. Just my opinion and an outside point of view. Best of luck to you in finding your happily ever after. : )