When to Have "The" Talk?? - Mount Holly,NJ

Just a caution - any books that you use with her, you should read thoroughly first. I don't remember about that one specifically, but some "growing up" books have WAY more information in them than is appropriate, especially for younger girls.

I would like to recommend a wonderful one by a Christian family publisher that addresses the subject as part of "God's plan for growing up"; actually they have a series of them (some for boys and others for girls) and you can check them out at this link:

http://www.queenhomeschool.com/productpages/godsplanforgr...

Good luck!

My daughter is not very inquisitive either. She will be 11 in May and I just gave her that same book to read in December. Granted, at her 10 year check up in June the dr said we had atleast 1 1/2 years before her period would possibly start. They determine when the onset could be by the presence of any breast tissue and she had absolutely none in June. I did notice just a touch of swelling this fall around her nipples, not enough for a bra but enough for a cami under her shirts from now on.

I didn't read it with her because she's the independent type and her favorite pasttime is reading. I told her I read it first, to take it slow (which she didn't) and ask me anything at all. Her best friend has the same book and they've been able to talk about it together. She has gone back to read it several times over the last few months and comes back with questions occasionally and I'm very honest with her.

I would begin with her dr. When feeling her lymph nodes the dr should be able to tell if she has any breast tissue. Since the book starts off with 'keeping clean' you can always start there and hold off on the big changes until she's a bit more mature and actually beginning to see those changes in herself. She'll be able to grasp that concept better at that point.

I wish you the best...it's a difficult step to take but being honest with my daughter has made it easier and she now knows she can trust me with her questions.

Hi L.,

My daughter is 6 and we have had an age appropiate talk already, and continue to as she comes up with questions. I think you should start soon. My daughter IS very inquisitive and heard the word "sex" from school, and came home and asked about it. I was in 4th grade when I got my period and thought I was bleeding to death, so I think the sooner the better. Good luck!

I've done THE talk 3 times with my own children, and other people's children have come to me with questions from time to time, so here is what I think.

No matter what, your daughter will NOT want to talk to you about it. Especially if you bring it up.

Also, the talk isn't going to be the ONLY talk. It is probably best to address things as they come up naturally. I mean, there are several components to it, and new questions will come up from time to time as she gets older. Also, only give her as much information as she wants at the moment. Don't try to overpower her with information. I'd let her know that she can ask whatever she wants whenever she wants. But if you "embalm" certain subject beyond what they are actually wanting to know, she might not ask again.

I also remember my own parents (being in the medical profession) giving me too much information and scaring me to death! I dwelled over it so much, and that was definity NOT the right approach.

For a girl, she will need to know about her menstral cycle, about pregnancy, about sex, about boys, about what is normal to expect as she begins puberty, the physical and emotional aspects of all of it, etc. You cannot have this complete talk in one session, nor should you try.

For us, a book was not very helpful. Different ages are more appropriate for different aspects, and books try to cover too much at once. At the younger ages, she needs to know about the physical aspects of what she will be going through, how she will be feeling, what changes her body will go through, etc. She needs to know about her mentral cycle. She needs to know that 2 years after she begins having breast buds, she will start her mentral cycle. But there are emotions, and pimples, and getting her first bra, and and all of that stuff that will happen first.

My daughter had a lot of questions about pregnancy (as in the specifics of it and baby development) when she was 15, and had a lot of questions about when/if to have sex with her boyfriend. If I had tried to discuss this stuff BEFORE she had questions about it, it would have fallen on deaf ears.

My son had a lot more questions about sex once he went to college.

And THE MOST IMPORTANT thing I want you to hear is that children have more and more complex questions as they get older, and if you develop a realtionship in which your children can always come to you and talk to you about anything, that is the goal. To do this, you have to be available to talk and to listen in all kinds of ways and about all kinds of things. You have to be willing to listen to their lastest invention when they are 7 years old, etc.

My children brought up the subjects at the most odd times, too. A lot of times they brought it up while I was cooking, or while we were in the car together, or right before going to bed at night. They needed to feel that they were comfortable, but that I wasn't able to look right at them. Eye contact is uncomfortable when talking about an embarrassing topic such as this.

We can talk more if you have more questions for me. It is a big topic, but I hope some of this helps.
L.

L.,
I would start talking to her now. Remember to keep it open and simple. She will ask questions until she is satisfied.Also,inform her that everything you talk about is normal and even you went through it.
My oldest was 4 when she saw me in the bathroom and went running yelling, Daddy, mommy is bleeding to death. I told her then that if a chick is in an egg, it hatches. Well when mommy doesn't have a baby inside the egg in her belly, the egg has to come out to make room for new ones and blood will come out with the egg. She asked if that's why I get cranky and headaches! Children are very smart and understand more than we parents give them credit for.Since then I have received many questions even up to now and she is 21 y/o. Keep repeating that you want her to learn correctly from you since others may teach her the vulgar or incorrect ways. Also, that what you talk about is between you and her since her friends parents may not want their children to know these things. My 9 y/o son usually asks me what certain terms mean while my 7 y/o is starting to ask questions about her body.

L.,

It's not just a talk and you're done. It is a continual conversation and starting now is good. You just need to give her enough info for her age/maturity level and add on to it when necessary. Check out A chicken's guide to talking turkey with your kids about sex. Great book. I have a 12yo daughter and she isn't inquisitive either. I have talked to her about a couple of things but we really need to sit down and have some in depth discussions. I can tell that it is not very comfortable for her. I have also told her that it isn't exactly easy for me either as my mom never talked to me and I want her to get the right info from me and not from friends or conversations she hears. When I am finished talking to her, I ask her is she has any questions and she says no. I am hoping that someday she will have lots of questions. Good Luck. You are doing the right thing by starting the conversation now.

Why did you wait? My oldest is 8 and I have been talking to her on a level she can understand since about 4 or 5. I didn't want to wait to have an awekward talk when she was older.

My mom never talked to me about anything either and I didn't want my girls to grow up talking to other people becasue I never talked to her about sex, etc.

I would just start talking to ehr here and there. She will eventually come to you with questions and when she does be honest with her. Good luck!

L.,
I would find out from school when they will be having the talk with the girls. My daughter got it last year in the fourth grade toward the end of the year. We also read the same book before she went to the meeting at school. I felt better that she had the knowledge and could talk to me about any concerns she had. That worked well for us because she did have questions that I know she would never asked at school. I hope this helps. Good luck.
L. R

Hi L.,
I think you have to be tuned in to your daughter and her comfort level. How much information can she handle and how much are you willing to share with her. She is at the age when her body could start to develop and you certainly want her to have the "right" information and not have her rely on what her friends at school may tell her. I had the talk with my oldest daughter, who is now 16, when she was 6. She overheard a comment by some kid in her first grade class and she naturally came home and asked me what the comment meant. After my heart returned to my chest from my shoes I answered her question as confidently as I could. I am so happy I did. Since then she has been able to talk to me about other issues relating to body change, body image, boys etc. Hope this helps. By the way, I have a 15 yo daughter as well. My poor husband. :)

NOW. Don't wait. If she hasn't started to hear things on the bus and playground, she certainly will very soon. Rather than hear what her friend's older teen sibling says and feels about sex and periods, she needs to know how you and dad feel.

My 10 year old was quite relieved to hear from us what happens where and when, and when that came up on the play ground, she set her friends strait!

Good Luck!

If you're talking about her period, I would get started because girls will start getting theirs any day and she should know what it is (my sister got it two weeks after her 9th birthday..I know, early...but it happened). If it's about sex, keep it simple. A lot of kids will ask once they've been exposed to it in school (our district started in 4th grade), or they'll mention they talked about it, and that's a good starting off point to ask if she has questions. I've always been very upfront with my two girls - answered all their questions clearly (no "special cuddle", but used the real words). Most of the time at this age, they are just curious and need basic info. The important thing is to make them feel as if they can ask anything without you acting awkward. My 18 year old and 15 year old know they can ask me or tell me anything and I will talk to them honestly. That's important.

Hi L.,

I have 3 sons, my oldest is 11, in fifth grade. I was shocked when he came home from school last year in fourth grade telling me the things he learned in Health class and the "real terminology" they used - oh my goodness! I was not ready for it. I talked to a friend at my church who teaches Health at his school to see if this was normal and he said that schools will begin this around age 9-11 (grades 4-5). My friends with girls were shocked last year too at what they're girls learned. I would agree with another mom who said check with your school as to when they will start the talk. Also, you may just want to get a good book (I have none to recommend, sorry) and start to discuss things with her. You know your daughter, will she handle it well if she is introduced to it at school or should you prepare her? Use your mom instincts. At least I can now prepare my second son since I know he'll be learning it in fourth grade. I'm not looking forward to 8th grade though, at my son's school they put a condom on a banana. Yikes! This is normal too, I heard other school do this also. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Absolutely start talking. There's all the physical changes in her that she'll need a heads up for - breasts, pubic hair, hips, underarms. Plus the feelings she'll start experiencing - boys, jealousies, hurts. Lots to talk about! I read a book called Your Child Aged 6-9, or something like that, that said now is the best time to start talking about those things because the kids aren't embarrassed about them yet. And it sets the foundation for them to still talk to you in the teen years when they are embarrassed. Watch for little cues from her. And as the things come up treat it like it is - a normal part of development. No freaking out, no condemnation, no wide-eyed gasps. (Althought I must say, when my 12 year old referred to a girl losing her virginity as her "cherry popped" my jaw did drop.) I'd get the ball rolling with the book you have. Then when she asks questions, answer. Honestly. I think if they're old enough to ask they're old enough for the answer. Adjusted for age-appropriateness of course. When my daughter was in 2nd grade, she asked about sex. A little boy told her it's when 2 people take their clothes off and lay down real close to each other. I said, "Yep, that's pretty much it." And as she's gotten older we've had more talks and I've given her more info. I'm sure she's already hearing lots of things at school. You want to have equal time for your own input too!!

Hi L.,

I would definitely say that 9 (or even a little younger, if needed) is a good age to start talking about it. Make sure to keep it age appropriate.

I have an 8 year old son and have already had to have "the talk" with him because all the boys in his class were talking about it and I found out about it. I preferred he heard the truth about it from me instead of what his friends ideas of it was.

Every year it seems like it is having to be told to the kids younger and younger. I wish they could just be kids and not have to worry about all that so early.

Good luck!!! :)
L.

L.,

I just went thru this with my 8yo a few weeks ago. She is developing so I thought I should give her some info. I bought a book called "The Care & Keeping of YOU, the body book for girls" by American Girl. It's a good book I think. I read it first and then went thru it with my daughter and gave it to her. This way I know what is in it and if she has questions and wants to reference the book that's ok. I also said that if she has any questions ask me because I had to go thru the same thing at her age and I could help her out.

Good Luck.

I have twin daughters that are 21 now. I remember being in the same situation. My advice is that once you start to see your daughter develope more or some of her friends are starting to experience the change. I would talk to her then. You want to make sure she gets the right info from you and not be fearful. She might not want to hear it or be embarrassed but it is worth it. Good luck! p.s. both my daughters got their period at the end of 4th grade.

Hi L., Start now. Be casual you don't have to go into everything all at once. You can even start by asking her what she knows about girls growing up and all the hormone and body changes that are going to happen to her. If you have noticed any moodyiness they have already started! I have found that keeping things simple but accurate and the conversations private and short has been effective and less stressfull. All you have to remember is that you are talking about normal body functions that we all go through at one point in time or another. It's only embarrissing if you make it out to be. Good luck and best wishes.

Hi L.,

Are you taking time to talk to her everyday about her feeling?

Is she sharing with you the little conflicts that she and her friends have on occasions?

This is were you start. Guiding her is one thing but telling her things is another.

When things happened to me as a child, my mother said, "Don't tell anyone!"

She never listen to anything I had to share as a child.

Listen, Listen, Listen. Then share your experiences in simple terms when you were her age.

Good luck. All the Best. D.