My sister and her family live in a different state. Her family is grown now, everyone is married and have their own children. I have slowly stopped sending gifts to everyone except my great-nieces and nephews. I stopped mainly because they never acknowledged or thanked me for anything or sent me any gifts in return.
I still send the little children gifts, but am contemplating stopping this too. Would that be wrong? I spend a lot of time and effort to do this and no one says they received it or will even say thank you. I know the little kids can't do this on their own, and kind of feel like I am blaming them for something that their parents are not doing. On the other hand, I really don't feel appreciated or that the gifts are well received. They have close immediate family that will buy them things so it's not like the kids will suffer any consequence.
Thank you guys for the awesome answers! I think I have received confirmation that this will be the last year (with no guilt involved)! From now on, I will simply acknowledge by sending cards only for the occasion. To answer some question, we do not see each other frequently (once a year). I really wasn't expecting any sort of written letter or thank you from them (I would be absolutely shocked if I received that)! Only a simple e-mail or FB message to say hey, we received the __ Thanks so much!
It's time to stop sending the gifts. The kids don't need more gifts, and people should not be sent gifts that no one acknowledges.
Stop.
Sooooooo rude to NOT acknowledge gifts.
This is the last year I will send anything to my brother's family. EVERY year, I have to call and ask if they received a package, knowing full well they did due to my FedEx tracking.
All I ever get is "yeah". No, we opened the gifts, we like the gifts, no go to hell, no nothing so at this point, I am DONE. I have called and point blank said that I know money was received because my checks are cashed. My brother is just from a different breed. We can't possibly truly be related by blood. My niece turned 8 on 12/28 and SIL posted on FB about her bday, with her cake, etc. I said on FB, Happy Birthday _____, Did you get your gift from us? We hope you will like it. NOT even that got a comment to confirm that a gift was received.
My daughter just turned 20 and she asked me why they never send anything here and I always hand pic nice things for them and send money. I tell her is it not about receiving a gift from them which is true... But my God, can't they at least send a card to my child?
For my BIL on hubby's side, this year marks that all children are grown and out of the house and we agreed with each other that this would be the last year for birthdays and Christmas. It just makes sense. HOWEVER, Not 1 time in 21yrs have I not received a handwritten thank you note for whatever I sent them. Their mom taught them well.
I know the gifts I send to my brother and his family are unappreciated and expected. I can only do so much to try to have a relationship with them... at this point, I am done.
As far as my funeral someday, if they were to show up I'd probably rise from the dead in shock.
No thank you, no gifts.
I make exceptions for the baby gift and maybe the first holiday of the infant's life, figuring the parents are overwhelmed. I really expect an acknowledgement after that. There are so many pre-printed template thank you notes for kids to fill in ("Dear _______, Thank you very much for the __________. I like it because ___________" - that sort of thing). That's great for when they are 5 or 6 and can fill in a word or two - it's even cute if they can't spell. Then there's plenty of white space and they can draw a picture.
One relative used to write on behalf of the newborns and infants (it was all the mom of course but it was cute) and thereafter she would just write down what the 3 and 4 year old said about the gift - sometimes it was completely goofy but it was real, and it made us feel like we were in the room and definitely appreciated.
I have a relative who will sometimes text me that her husband liked X or that she has to go out and buy notes and stamps for her 10 year old and her 8 year old, and then I'll get my thank you soon. I've been hearing this for 4 years. I stopped with all the stress and expense and effort of choosing, paying for and shipping gifts that no one appreciates.
It SHOULD be about being remembered and not about whether they liked the gift. So kids "suffering the consequence" shouldn't be high on your list. You're right that the kids aren't learning anything from their parents, which is not their fault. But if they're being taught that no manners are required, I don't see why you have to participate in this.
Next year I would just send a card to the family, no gifts, no explanation. If you don't get a card back, I wouldn't send any more cards the following year. I mean, really, what could they possibly say about it? It's not making you feel good, it's apparently not meaning anything to them, so don't let any guilt get in your way.
If you want to invest in the pen pal idea, which is cute, that's up to you - but if you don't hear back, you'll be disappointed again. But at least you'll have confirmation of your decision. Maybe you could start the pen pal thing for each child's birthday rather than get lost in the Christmas rush. If you get a letter, then you can reconsider the gift thing next Christmas. You'll also know more about the child and have an inkling of what to get for gifts.
I just stopped sending my mom and older sister gifts this year. I sent them small Christmas presents for a long time because I actually enjoyed it, but like you, after many years of not so much as a "hey I got your package/card, thanks" I decided I was done. Life is too short to give to those who not only don't give back, but can't even be bothered to acknowledge your effort :-(
I'm sorry you feel your efforts are unappreciated. That is a terrible feeling to have. Maybe instead of sending gifts, which requires quite a bit from a person, you could try having a pen pal relationship with the kids throughout the year? This will probably be an odd concept for them at first, so you could try sending the first letter along with blank stationary and an envelope inside, inviting them to write back. Some will, some won't, or maybe none will ever reply, but at least this will give you a better chance at having a real connection with these children instead of sending packages out into the abyss with not a single response in return for your efforts.
i quit doing extended family gifts several years ago. then we went to 'sneaky santa' for the closer family members, and another layer of 'have-tos' got eliminated. next year for my side of the family it's going to be feast only.
i say make this your last trip the PO. send a nice card, and let yourself off the hook.
khairete
S.
We only exchange gifts with people who are part of our everyday lives. We do not send gifts to distant relatives we rarely/never see or hardly know. We do send cards and greetings.
Now. Do you ever see them in person?
I'm late to the party. My daughter is 26 and son is 22. My brother's kids are 19 and 16. All still get presents.
I do NOT give to my nieces on my husband's side. I give to their kids. I suspect once my daughter has kids, she will not receive from my brother and I'm totally ok with that.
They are pretty good about letting us know and I do the same.
I have gone through 3 deaths in different side of my extended family in the last two weeks.
Obviously u can't live your life worrying about who will show up at your funeral...but do u have other family that will be there for u????
Sending Christmas gifts doesn't guarantee anything, but I would rather be remembered kindly than to write people off.. you know best though...maybe your sister is ungrateful too..maybe she would tell you to give it up.
If you have many people that do show u in many ways how much the love and appreciate you..then u can afford to let this part of your family drift away.
I like the pen pal idea. You could decide to buy books for the kids, and you'd fulfill your enjoyment of getting gifts and know that what you buy is thoughtful but also educational.
I have given my SIL's gifts even though we no longer exchange gifts (by design - we all have too much and we don't need more "stuff"). The reason I have given gifts ever so often is because I find something that I think they would love. I don't "go shopping" for them - I just see it and buy it and hold it until I see them.
Other than that, no more gifts except to my husband's parent and my parent and my sister. I have a nephew and several nieces who have already graduated from college. I have one who is still in college. I no longer give the ones out of college gifts. They are adults now. Yes, they sent me thank you's, which I appreciate, but there comes a point when enough is enough.
What I know in my heart is that I worked hard to find nice gifts for these family members for all these years. (I'm not leaving my husband out - sometimes he is the one who found the gifts, but it was mostly me.) Whether they even consider that, I don't know. If they don't, then that's just another good reason why enough is enough. But I do think that if you are not close to this family or see them several times a year, that a lack of acknowledgement means that they don't care if they get gifts from you or not.
