When Your Kid Doesnt Get Along with Your Friends Kid... Approach?

I have an amazing friend here...we are relatively new friends and I am so glad to have found her. She and her husband really get along with my husband and I and we have so much in common. She has 2 boys my son (age 9) strongly dislikes one of her sons. It happens that this boy has ADHD (my son does not know this) and he is extra difficult about things. I really enjoy my friend though and I tell my son he has to be polite and suck it up. I tell him I know he does not like this little boy but we are doing x with them and he needs to get along. I give him tips on how to deal with him. If the other boy is not getting along with him, he can come tell me. I basically tell him he needs to do this for his mom. My son complains each time and yes, he is very annoyed by this other boy, but he has no choice in the matter. I do not expect him to be friends with this boy...I do expect him to handle things in a polite matter.

This is a good opportunity to teach your son about diplomacy. :)

Tell him that he doesn't HAVE to play with this other kid, but he DOES have to be polite. Maybe bring some books along, and give him the choice between tactfully handling the situation, or sitting in a corner and reading.

You need to really understand what happened. If its out of proportion to the offence, you let your kid know that making a big deal of little things can backfire. It can make others wary of his "no compromise" attitude.

Still Your kid needs to come first. If he balks at being around this kid, then don't force it. Never want something for your son more than he does. Respect his right to choose, if not his choice. If you don't, that can backfire on you. He will question his right to his gut feelings and put other's needs over his own. Not what you want.

He will just have to learn how to deal with it. I would never, ever leave a party because of a kid not liking another. He will have to learn how to work thru situations like this by himself.

Parents need to let kids figure things out. The more I read, the more I see parents wanting to fix friendships. Only,kids can do that. It is part of growing up.

The party is for another child.
It's okay for your son not to play with the offender, but he must be polite, well mannered, and behave well.
I would not leave a party because someone else is there. He has to learn to suck it up and deal.

It's not your job to "soothe his soul." Your son needs to learn to cope with having his feelings hurt by someone, and learn how to get over it. It's all right that his feelings were hurt. He might need to know that it's more than possible that HE hurt the other child's feelings too, and holds some responsibility for the situation that he's upset over.

By now you've already either attended the party or skipped it. I hope that you didn't skip it, because at 8 years old your child shouldn't be running your social life if he's a typical child without special needs. Today would have been good practice for him to show tolerance of even those people he hasn't yet forgiven even when he doesn't want to be there. His future wife and friends will appreciate the fact that he can soothe his own fragile ego.

Your friend's child and your child don't have to be friends. I'd let them have some separation for a while apart from gatherings where both of your families are involved. Don't force the children to play together if these situations with your son happen often, although teaching your son how to forgive and accept apologies and move on is an invaluable lesson. So is teaching him that social situations aren't all about him.

If he wants to leave, and you don't...well who's the adult? It would be rude to leave on account of this situation which has nothing to do with the hostess or her child.

This will be a great time to teach your son that sometimes he'll have to see, or be around people that he doesn't like. Teach him that he can coexist in a group setting with the other boy.

If he gives you a hard time, or causes a scene because you won't leave, then he should have to go straight home and into his room. Nothing fun for the rest of the day.

I don't know how intense your child's situation will be, or how long-lasting. This may be temporary at that age. I'd give it a shot and see how things go.

All that being said, our family moved when we were in middle school. My parents made friends with people in the new town where we lived, and most of them had kids in our age range. Some of these kids were extremely mean to my sisters and me, and a couple of them were into drinking and other negative behaviors. My parents continued to spend alot of time with these people (because they liked the adults). It was really rough for us. And then surprise surprise, we picked up some of the negative behaviors too (and my parents weren't too happy about that).

I've always promised myself that I would never throw my kids together with other kids just because I liked the parents. Our social lives need to be separate in some ways. It's great when the parents AND the kids all mesh, but that doesn't always happen.

JMO.

ETA: As far as it being a party for someone else (not the problem kid) I think it really depends on how all these people are inter-connected. That's just a judgment call. Again, I'd play it by ear and see how things go.

He needs to get over it - preferably within hours of the incident.
Ok so his feelings got hurt.
Everyone's feelings get hurt from time to time.

BUT by holding a grudge, it's like he's picking at the scab so to speak.
The only one who's still feeling it at this point is himself.
You can't allow him to wallow in self pity.
You've soothed him all you're going to - no more coddling over it.
Now's the time to throw him back up on the horse and not accept any whining about it.

Tell him:
Even best friends aren't friends all the time.
You've had lot's of fun playing before and you're going to have lot's of fun playing again.
You're going to the party.
You're going to be a polite guest.
You will say 'please' and 'no, thank you'.
You are going to play and have fun.
AND we're NOT leaving until "I" say we're leaving - don't even think of asking me while we are there.
If you act up, or pout or pitch a fit I'll put you in time out right there in front of everyone.
Happiness is a choice - choose wisely.

Find times to see your friend without the kids. If you're at a mutual event, then tell your kid that he has to just deal with the presence of the other boy for the benefit of this birthday kid. If yours wants to leave, ask him how he would feel if one of his friends left because of another friend. Not everyone needs to get along, but they should understand that civility is sometimes required.

It's okay to teach your son the art of "ignoring people" (aka "cold shoulder" / "the silent treatment").

Especially if you believe that your son is justified in feeling hurt, you don't need to tell him to fake-smile and pretend to be nice to the jerk who hurt his feelings.

BUT, he must not allow that situation to cloud his personality towards all the other kids at the party (like the birthday boy).

I personally don't think you should teach him to "sit in a corner and read" during the party, as a previous post suggested. Just teach him to be social without interacting with the one who hurt him.

I think you've gotten some good advise. The only thing I'd add is that you should tell him before the party, at home, that the boy will be there. This will give you a chance to deal with this conversation at home -- give him some advise on how to deal with his emotions around this boy and how to still have fun even though he is there.

If you show up and he is surprised, you may find yourself in an awkward situation where he is being very verbal about this boy and you have to deal with it in the company of your friends.

Your child does need to understand that his feelings are valid, however, that does not mean he can be mean at the other boy's birthday party.

Do some role-playing..... act out some situations with him... for example, if the other boy comes up and wants to talk to him, he should be polite. Your son does not have the right to spoil the birthday party with harsh words or a discussion of the past problem. Show him how to diplomatically handle the situation... small talk, etc.

Tell him he does not have to play with the birthday boy, but should play nicely with other kids.

As adults, we have to learn to get along with people that have hurt our feelings. Now is a good time to start teaching him these skills, also.

Sorry - while I am all about trying to help make my kids feel better - in this instance - it's not your place to "soothe his soul".

he needs to realize that stuff happens and he needs to get over it. Feelings can get hurt EVERY DAY - is he going to hold a grudge and anger for EVERY instance of being hurt? If so - then guess he needs to stay in his bedroom forever....

He needs to be nice tomorrow. He needs to "suck it up" essentially. As hard as that sounds, he really does. This is life. You aren't going to like everyone and everyone won't like you. That's just the way it is.

If he wants to leave the party? Sorry - you can sit at a table and sulk. DO NOT play his game. If he has a fit - he can sit at the table and sulk - seriously. OR he can be a young man and chin up and be nice and have fun or he can sit and NOT have a good time. The choice is his!!

Try to get the kids together to discuss what happened. Obviously they don't really hate each other and just have to get past this. Explain to your son how you sometimes fight with your best friend but then make up. Maybe that will help. Maybe when they see each other they will just play and forget the whole thing.

Is the party for the child your son doesn't want to be friends with? If so, I would not bring him. Send a gift from your family and your regrets. Maybe a note that you hope the boys will work things out soon, but you did not want to bring a bunch of discord to their son's birthday party.

If the party is for a mutual friend, and you've already rsvp'd, I'd say he needs to go and be cordial towards the boy he has issues with, for the sake of not disappointing the birthday friend. If your son can hold it together and enjoy himself despite that boy being there, great. If he runs in to a little discomfort, and has to be coached into staying, that's OK. If he totally melts down or causes undue negative attention at the party, then you should leave, even if you don't want to.

In the overall scheme of things, your child does not have to be friends with anyone just because you are friends with his parents. I wouldn't force the issue or give it too much more attention. The boys will figure it out on their own, if they want to be friends or not.