Who Do I Choose?

K.,

No one can tell you what the right choice is. You have to go with your own gut reaction. My advice though is to slow down and think about what is right for your child. Maybe you don't need to have either man in your life right now? The father of your child should pay child support no matter what and visit your son if he wants a relationship with him. As for romantically with you, I would tell him to back off. You should focus on the needs of your child. Your baby needs love and stability-- don't just jump into another relationship because you feel like the other guy is "perfect". Take time and find out who you are, what you need and more importantly what your baby needs.

Good luck~

Molly

K.,
You and your baby deserve better than this man, and I think that, deep down, you know this. Take this opportunity to think about why you ended up with this kind of man in the first place. I'm sure he has his good qualities, but he is clearly a pretty selfish slacker. Why don't you think you deserve better than this? Until you address this question, you risk putting up with men that aren't good for you. There's a lot more to being a good partner and dad than having a house and a car. Btw, your heart did not break because your boyfriend is the right man for you. Perhaps you started to mourn what you thought your relationship could become, or maybe you felt afraid about being alone. You are not upset because you are losing Mr. Right. Also, don't assume the CHP guy is right for you, either. You truly need to understand why you ended up with your current boyfriend before you jump into another relationship. Also, do not see *any* man as riding in on a white horse. Strong women do not need to be saved by a man on a white horse. We need partners who love and respect us and who take on the responsibilities of being an adult. As long as you are waiting for a man on a white horse, you are likely to make poor choices in men. If Mr. CHP is the right guy, he will give you the time you need to discover what has brought you to this place in your life before you get into another serious relationship.

As a mama, you now have a different prioity- your baby's well-being has to be the basis for all that you do. Now sometimes a happy and healthy mommy IS the best thing for baby, so keep yourself in mind as well. About the father- my advice is to evaluate the situation with him soley on the basis of him, keep the other guy out of the equation. As a matter of fact, no matter what you decide, I would advise you to put the other guy off for awhile while you work through this time in your life. If he is so wonderful, he will understand, and if it is meant to be he will be there on the other side. It sounds like you are in a hard situation, it is a tempting soloution to let this guy reach down and help you out of it, but what happens later if things don't work out? You are either stuck with him because you need him, or you jump to the next guy who will help you- either way you are not doing yourself or your baby any favors. Remember it is the two of you no matter what- 'till the end. Figure out how to become independent and make the best life for you and your baby and any man lucky enough to come along will just be the frosting on the cake.
Another thing: You cannot change men. Take any character defects they have now and magnify them by 1000, that is what it will feel like after a few years. So can you let these behaviors go? Or you hoping he will change?
Choose what's best for you and your baby.

Hi K.,
19 is young and you and YOUR baby have your whole life ahead of you.. Whether this new guy rolled into your life or not, don't live your life for a man, live it for you and moreover, YOUR baby, Get your education and focus on your child. When your BF says he will send a check, don't count on that, PUHLEEZE, he didn't even get a job and only works one day a week if that... Torn?? think about this, don't you deserve better???? c'mon , any loving person , let alone someone you have a child with would do better for you and the baby... Ask yourself why you are hanging on to someone who just gives you crumbs.. He is playing on your emotions.. Don't be a prisoner to his threats, deep down he is the insecure one.. Buck up and stand strong, again, get focused and get your education. This is a new day, begin it well. I would also perhaps considering getting into a support group for young moms, this can be a tough, wonderful , yet vulnerable time for you. You need the support from others who have been where you are and can relate, but relate in a way that isn't co-dependent, but rather in a way that can help strengthen you and your resolve. Remember, it's not just your life anymore, it's your baby's.... and so far, that BF hasn't done a whole lot has he? Believe in you..... have faith and be willing to do the work. You can move past all this. I have faith in you :)

You need to ask yourself why "your heart broke" for this guy. Someone who did not prepare for the birth of his son, isn't working (come on one day a week?!), has no car or home and uses his son to try to blackmail you into staying is not a worthy father or boyfriend. Making a baby does not make a man a true Father. You son needs you to be really strong and do what's right for both of you. Concentrate on your lives and your future and maybe the boyfriend will do the same, if not be thankful for the check in the mail he promises and move on. Please don't look at the other guy as your savior, take things REALLY slow. If he cares he'll understand. This is your time to make the tough decisions for your baby and yourself. Good Luck!

K. I hope this helps.

son;'Daddy,may I ask you a question"
dad;"yeah sure, what is it ? replied the man ,
son;"Daddy how munch do you make an hour?"
dad; " That's none of your business.why do you ask such a thing"?
the man said angerily '
son;" I just want to know. Please tell me how much you make."
dad; "If you must know about 50.00 a hour."
son; Oh the little boy replied, with his head down
son; Daddy can I borrow 25.00 ?
dad;

The father was furious, If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some moneyto by a silly toy or something ,then you can march up to your roomand go to bed.
And think about why you are so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities. The boy went to his room and shut the door.

THE MAN SAT DOWN AND STARTED TO EVEN ANGERIER ABOUT WHAT THE LITTLE BOY HAD SAID. How dare he ask or question me .
After a little time passed and he started to think , Maybe there was a reason that he need the money and he never asked for money before , not 25.00 or really any money at all. So the man went to the little boys room and opened his door and asked son are you sleeping?"No daddy "The man said son I have been thinking that I was a nbit hard on you, It's been a long hard day and and I took it out on you . So here is 25.00 you asked for . The little boy sat up and yell oh thank-you daddy!! Then reached under his pillow and pulled out a bunch of money and started to count it and looked up at his dad . And his dad said you have so much money why did you need 25.00 more .? The little boy looking so proud said now I have enough I have 50.00 and now I can ask you to come home early tomorrow because I would like to have dinner with you, The father was crushed he held his son in his arms and asked him to forgive him over and over.

This is a remimder to all all of the parents that work if the world ends on tuesday we would be replaced by wednesday. so remember that our kids are more than 50.00 bucks .And if we pass tonight we leave are family are freinds all behind leave them knowing that you loved them dearly and always.. God bless the families that read this and share this . with allour thoughts and prayers to all in this hard time in life but in all hard times Gods gives us something to smile about and to hold and love our children and each other. God bless.

You sound like a very sweet girl, but I think you are allowing your emotions to rule your needs.

Do you ever listen to Dr. Laura? If you have the chance listen in to a few of her programs. She's on AM radio. She gets this question a lot, and most of the time she will tell you what most of these ladies said... choose your son.

He is your ONLY priority. Don't just get into a relationship with a new man, because when all is said and done, YOU have to live with him.

Your boyfriend, should support the baby financially, regardless of how much money he is making or if you are together or not.

It sounds like the boyfriend is manipulating you. If he wanted to see his son, it wouldn't matter if you were together. I think it's very immature of him to give you an ultimatum. Do you want to have to raise two children? Think about it.

Hi K.,

I wanted to add that it can be near impossible to see things for the way they actually are when you get into an intense situation with a guy. You have received some great advice here and I'm crossing my fingers for you that you'll take it - remember it when you feel your heart breaking and hold onto it like a life preserver. Good Luck!

Wow K., you had a baby way too young. The best thing for the baby is to be with his dad. Your white knight may not be so great in the long run, either. He's only 23, and still quite young himself. Both relationships have a high chance of not being successful. If the CHP officer is unable to love your son as his own, which is quite common, there will be problems.

I have a lot of experience to back up what I'm saying.

I suggest you wait a long time before committing to either of them. If you go with the CHP officer and your son bonds with him, and then you two break up (which is very likely), your son's heart will be broken. See if the baby's dad can get his life together over time. I have a 19 year old son, and he is in school but still just a kid. I remember at 19 I didn't think I was a kid, but you are. It is extremely common for a 19 year old to not have a job, house or car. They just finished high school.

I doubt you'll do it but I suggest you leave the white knight alone for now.

After reading the other moms' responses I have to add this:

Come on, women, the father of the baby is only 19!! Ease up on him a little. Of course he should be working, etc., but he just graduated high school! And the things he's telling her? That's the kind of thing immature 19 year-olds say! People are immature at 19! This is all why kids should not be having babies! I LOVE all my son's 19 year old friends, but I do not think any of them should be becoming fathers in the near future.

You choose your son. As a couple other moms said to you... it's not about you, it's about your son now. I don't think that the father is a good role model for your son and I think he should be offloaded... you can scrape together an extra $1.50 that he would be paying in child support based on his WONDERFUL and PROGRESSIVE job working at burger king. Whew! I can't imagine all that money he's making. (can you sense the sarcasm?)
I don't know if you should go be with this other guy right away though. Make him show you that he is wanting to be with you and your son. He may realize it's not just about the lustful attraction that he feels now. Like the other posters said... only time will tell. But you are 19... give yourself some time, what little time you can squeeze in now, to look around and see who and what is out there.