Why Do People Ask What Children's Names Are???

I love that you asked. I don't like it much myself! I work with some pretty tricky characters (therapist) and I don't even tell my co-workers (agency) my daughter's name. I may sound paranoid, but coming to know the criminal mind, I'm very protective of what I share in this way.

Oddly, I am a lot less protective in other ways that I know other mom's would find crazy.

Really appreciate what others have written regarding this issues and will use some of these ideas.

Jen

Hi Angela,

A lot of that is generational. When I was a kid we were taught that was the first thing to do....Hi my name is....this was long before we were taught about stranger danger. If you met someone in the market, you would see them again because you were neighbors and it was nice to know someone's name. I know it is different now but I find myself doing the same thing...

M.

I tell the "stranger" a fake name.
Or, I tell them point blank that it is personal.

Yes, and I teach my kids, about these things. They do NOT have to answer stranger questions, just to be "polite." I tell them that. Nor do I expect my kids to be "friendly" with strangers, if they don't want to. Or my kids will say "that's private..." and then they ALWAYS tell me.

I have had all kinds of "strangers" come up to me and just start talking to my kids because they are "so cute!" And I am very protective of that.

All the best,
Susan

They do it to be polite. Maybe because they are curious. Honestly, if you are THAT uncomfortable with strangers then just say "I have to go!" and walk away. I guess I'm confused by your worry. I have never had a person who I thought of as dangerous ask about my kids. Usually it's other parents, older people, teenage girls. If we were talking about the strange middle aged guy who hangs out in the play area without any kids.....then I would understand. Have you talked to your mom friends about this worry of yours? I don't know anything about where you live or your circumstances, but it might give you a good idea of where you are on the "worry wart" scale.
I think that while it is a good idea to teach your children about "stranger danger" and to be smart about not putting their names on their clothing or on your car, it isn't that big of a deal to be polite to people who really just want to be nice.

When I strike up conversation with someone at the park or in a check-out line, I routinely ask their kids' names. It seems rude to me to act as if the children are not present, and I think it increases a child's emotional intelligence to be included in adult conversation, at least occasionally.

I ask questions that I suppose could be construed as personal, but really are just an attempt to consider the world from the child's point of view. "What's your teddy bear's name; your favorite food; do you like this color you're wearing; are you in school; do you help take care of your baby brother?" are all what I would consider "safe" subjects.

I would be wary of questions designed to find out where a child lives.

I was 1/4 raised by my grandparents ... they had us for 3 months every year... hurray!... summer holiday with the grams!!! (My mum would oft times come with us - dad was typically out to sea, but if he was on shoreleave she'd stay with him until he shipped out again). I've noticed a LOT of the stuff they taught us (common courtesy, mostly) is not so common these days.

- Nodding your head as you pass someone walking
- Shaking hands when you meet someone (or the cheek kiss)
- Always identifying yourself in person or on the phone before you speak
- Etc.

Like Peg, I ask children's names (and introduce myself) when I'm speaking with their parents. When it's a "new mum" or "new dad" I always ask the name of her baby. In general, in conversation when children aren't present, but I find out they have children... I nearly always ask their names... as it's a sign of respect / care for that person's life to show interest in their lives. 99 times out of 100... put 2 parents together and they'll end up talking about their kids. Names, ages, the stage that's currently driving you nuts or their accomplishments or just kid related schtuff (there's just so MUCH of it!). My mum once had a 30 minute conversation with one of the Joint Chiefs about Sesame Street... and then hid in the bathroom in mortification for half the evening. FINE way to show off / be a good political asset for my dad... and she beat herself up for 3 days... until she got a phone call from his wife arranging a playdate.

I have no problem telling strangers my kiddo's name (hey.. they may well hear me hollering his FULL name followed by the warning that I'm counting to 5 and if he isn't blah blah blah). BUT I absolutely do not write his name on the visable side of anything. His name is written on the inside of his backpack/ lunchbox/ etc. Any true predator has 1000 ways to gain a child's name, and they almost never ask the parents for it. Statistically (according to my Crim J sister)... they get it from backpacks or from nearby kids or by asking the child themselves OR -the biggest one- they're already in the child's life... as a teacher/ coach/ etc. I also have no problems with my kiddo talking to strangers As. Long. As. I'm. Present. (Which is most of the time).

Our rules:

- You can talk to anyone you like as long as a family member is present (in ear and eye shot)

- Before going ANYWHERE with someone, regardless of how well you know them (even just to the next aisle in the store, much less a car)... you need to get permission from me first. "Mum may I...?"

- If I'm not present and permission needs to be gained (like at a friend's house, or in a class) kiddo has a cellphone to call me. AND we have passwords. So if a non-family member (even a cop or teacher) says I'm in the hospital and they're going to drive him there... or "your mum or dad said to _____" (aka some reason is invented or real that I wouldn't have my cell phone)... we have a password.

I know many people aren't fond of the idea of young kids having cell phones. I ADORE kiddo's phone. We got it for him when he was 5 year old (7yo now) 1) No excuse not to gain permission. 2) GPS tracking device.

R

Maybe I don't worry enough, but I can see teaching your children not to answer a stranger when you're not around. Obviously an adult who approaches a child by his or herself would worry me. But if an adult asks me what their names are I don't really think twice about it. From my limit and maybe naive knowledge of "sicko's" they approach kids when they are alone, they don't want to engage in a conversation with the parent.

But I do have to say I don't remember this ever happening! I'm sure at some point it did especially when they were babies but I don't remember the last time anyone asked my kids names. Maybe they aren't as cute as I think they are :-)

Good luck,
K.

Just to be friendly. I certainly would not advertise my kid's names, but it's not a big secret either. Everywhere you go people will inadvertantly hear you calling your kids by their name. I wouldn't give my kid's fake names, that just seems paranoid to me and what kind of message does that send to your kids?

Trust your instincts if someone seems "not right" don't answer their questions, but if you are having a friendly conversation with an older person or another mother or cashier, etc... they are just being friendly.

How weird, I don't think I've ever noticed this or thought to be bothered by it. And I consider myself on the cautious side. I think it just depends on who's asking. As someone else said, if it's a creepy guy, I probably wouldn't engage him. But usually the type of people who approach us are other parents or older people who clearly are just trying to make small talk.

Honestly, I would hesitate to have secret names for my child. What if he got lost? Don't you want him to be able to tell his real name to someone who could help him get found?

I think rather than having an overall "stranger danger" strategy for teaching your children, it's important to teach them to listen to their own inner sense of what feels right. I would want my child to feel confident enough to ask for help from a stranger if, God forbid, he ever got lost. But I would also hope that he has a sense to ask someone who would actually help him be found.

One thing I read long time ago was that, instead of telling your child, "Don't talk to strangers," you should tell them, "If you get lost, find a nice mommy to ask for help." Women are less likely to be sexual predators and more likely to remain emotionally invested in seeing a child returned to his/her parents. This same article recommended that you do test runs, like having your child approach someone at a mall to ask where the nearest frozen yogurt place is while you are right there. After he does it, you discuss with him why he chose that particular person, what about her made him think that she would help him, etc. So you get a sense of what he is looking for and can help guide him toward someone who will help, not hurt, him.

I think you are worrying too much and that people are just being polite and friendly. The person who commented below about weirdos wanting to get kids while they are alone and not with you is probably right.

However, I recommend NOT putting names on jackets, backpacks, name necklace jewelry (a big fad right now!) etc. -- stick with initials or monograms. Children are likely to trust an adult who seems to know them and if you live in a city or take them to crowded places it is unwise to make it easy for someone to lure them away, even if it's innocent and just to play or talk, you will go nuts looking for them even if they are not in danger.

I never even thought about that before - I'm not sure whether you are being over paranoid, or sensible lol.

Do you think they are going to track your child down somehow if they know their christian name?, or are you worried if they see your child in the park or somewhere they can call them over by their name, and because they know your child's name your child may feel more comfortable and go to them?

I think if it's a little old lady, you are pretty safe, if you don't feel comfortable though the secret name idea is a good one.

This an interesting question. I usually ask children's names when I'm with my daughter, and we are introducing ourselves. I then introduce MYSELF and ask the mother's name. I've noticed how often people ONLY ask the child's name. I consider giving your first name part of standard social interaction.

As to the 'stranger danger' issue, my daughter is only 19 months, and only is in public in someone's immediate care, so I haven't had to handle it yet. But, as someone who was abused by a family member, I am well aware that most danger comes not from strangers, but from people the child knows and should be able to trust.

I'm working on that issue already, by making it clear to everyone that she does NOT have to give kisses and hugs on demand.

Hi Angela,

If it makes you uncomfortable tell them a different name. People are sort of drawn to cute kids (especially older people) and they are basically trying to be friendly.

Personally, I like well behaved kids and try to compliment a parent when I see this. A huge pet peeve with me are parents who let their kids run wild in a store or restaurant.

Blessings......

Give your kids a "secret name" and a "sharing name". Their sharing name is what you can tell people. Their "secret name" is their given name. If your kids are old enough, let them create their own sharing name. My daughter's sharing name would be Seraphina. It's nothing like her given name, but it's a name she likes. She's 2.5 but would know if someone called her that vs. her real name that she would need to check with me or her dad or grandparents before talking to them.

And maybe I'm paranoid too. I don't let my kids wear their names and generally don't share their names either.

People love babies, they love kids, they love pregnant moms and with all of those they way overstep the bounds of "normal" behavior. How many people you barely knew wanted to touch your belly or asked you personal questions about your pregnancy?

I never had to worry about anyone asking my daughter's name, they never got past her hair. She's strawberry blonde, and people seem to be obsessed with red heads. They would touch her, and dote on her. These emphysemic little old ladies would hack all over her - at least I hoped it was emphysema, not some far more contagious ailment. She's 6 now, and for about the last year or two, strangers seem to have stopped touching her, I guess that's only "permissible" in their minds in the baby and toddler stage, when they're too small to speak out about it. The comments continue, and I guess will until she gets old enough to dye her hair or shave her head (I hope she does neither but at times I have thought of shaving her head myself-LOL)

I think as long as you set up good strategies for your kids for handling situations where you are not there - like using a password, you can be polite with strangers. You'll never be comfortable with it, but I think for the most part it is just a way for the other person to acknowledge your child as a little human. As soon as my daughter began speaking, she started saying "Hi" to people, we had been on vacation, and people are even MORE likely to talk to the kids then. We got home, and she started saying hi to every single person in the supermarket. If they tried to ignore her, she just got louder, shouting Hi down the aisles until she got a response (or they moved out of view). When she got a little older, she started asking people their birthdays because this was information she knew about herself and she could compare (before she really had any idea of what months were when).

I don't think you ever need to give out information you are not comfortable with, and definitely trust your "mommy instincts" for a given situation, but I do think most times people are just trying to be friendly. I don't know if I would use fake names, if you choose to do that, find a way to do it where you are not teaching your kids it's ok to lie sometimes, or they may use that argument against you later.

I think people just don't know what else to say to kids. "Aren't you cute, and what is your name?" "That's a nice name. What do you want to be when you grow up?" "How is school?" "What is your favorite subject?" "I have nothing interesting to stay, especially to someone of your stature."

I think it's very strange and sad that people feel that a simple acknowledgement could be a threat or disrespect! I think it's just being polite to ask the kid "what's your name" because it's the one thing (that, and maybe age) that a young child is going to know and should be able to communicate. I think it's a way of acknowledging a child and saying "hello, you're not being ignored". Where you live, your phone number, any financial information, does daddy come home at night, your weight (haha) are in the personal information category, but a name is given so people outside the home may address you. That said, it is expected that for someone to speak to my child, they need to acknowledge me first even if it's just a look in the eye and a nod of the head, to which I would nod back if it was ok. I do the same before saying anything more than "Hi!" to a child I don't know. It's just kind of the social rules.
I think sometimes people may act a little paranoid because they are fearful and not confident in their ability to handle a situation, or read other people or social situations. Teaching a child to lie in an uncomfortable situation can only come back to haunt you later. That's just silly, and sends who knows what messages to the child: everything from confusion to fear?
When I was little we watched a cartoon with Mr T in it where we learned that ANYBODY can know your name (from your jersey or backpack, from hearing someone call you, whatever) so that doesn't mean ANYTHING. If something happens and someone needs to take you somewhere (mom had a car wreck, is in the hospital, whatever) then they need to know your secret family password. We sat down as a family and came up with our password, which we never used but still remember even though that was like 1987, and that was that. Mom went on to explain that if something happened to her and I needed to ride with someone else, there would always be SOMEONE I knew around to confirm this. Like if I was in school, then I would have to be called into the office and THEN the person who was talking to me would have to know the password. Or at the ballpark, the coach would take me to this new person. No legitimate adult would try to discuss something important or take me anywhere without first going to the adults that were in charge of me.
My son is 3 years old and I have been working with him on developing his confidence and self esteem. This way he'll be able to trust his gut when I'm not there. Another thing we do regularly is sit outside at sonic, the yogurt shop, or the patio at a restaurant and just chat and have a snack or meal together, while watching others. It's good to teach your children in a casual setting to look, watch, and understand things they're seeing. Show them personality or character traits (not judging by someone's looks). This way they can know if something is out of place better. My 3 year old can tell me "mommy, that lady looks sad" and I can ask why and him tell me that her book is making her sad, or maybe she doesn't have someone sitting by her, or whatever. He is noticing things, and that's better protection than not speaking to someone.
He used to say "hi!" to everyone in the world. I wondered about it, but didn't tell him to stop. Sometimes a big smile and a friendly greeting can really lift someone's spirits and I'm not going to stop that. But I have asked his childcare teachers and they say he doesn't talk (except for hi) to any adults except them. Other teachers in the hallway, or other parents, he just doesn't really talk to them unless I'm around. He will tell people who aren't too exaggerated his name and age, but that's about it. If a stranger (or adult) talks too much, I've noticed that he looks up at me for reassurance. I'll either smile and nod that all is ok or politely redirect or end the conversation, depending on the situation. I told him that he can play with kids that aren't too big. Strangers are big people who we don't know good enough to play with or have over for dinner. I explained it this way because we do have lawn guys, an occassional maintenance man, and quarterly pest control service, but we've never played with them or eaten with them. He knows he can be friendly with our adult friends who've come for dinner or a playdate. He'll learn more as he grows. But fear is not my goal; wisdom is.
A book I like a lot for kids, with a great way to explain it, is the Berenstein Bears learn about strangers. I would suggest that for you as an easy way to begin talking about stranger danger without instilling fear, AND there's the added bonus of spending quality time reading.

In general people have been doing this for years. Usually this occurs
while waiting on line etc. There is nothing wrong with this. People are
just trying to be friendly. If you look at everyone with "Stranger Danger"
life will pass you by because you are always worrying. Relax and
enjoy people.

I know what you mean, it bugs me a little too. Sure people will hear your child's name being said wherever you are. For me the biggest issue is that I'm supposed to teach my children not to give out "personal" information. But they hear me telling people their names all the time. As us moms know, all it takes is someone knowing your child's name to gain their trust. But when your children hear you giving out there name, of course they're gonnat tell it to anyone and everyone. I know too that people are just being friendly, I just wish they would ask how they liked the weather instead!

I think people are naturally curious about people's names, and baby naming is such a "hot topic" that people always want to know the baby/little child's name. I don't think most people mean any harm by it. If it's an infant, it really doesn't matter. Older than that, it does. People may look at you strangely if you say, "I prefer not to share that information with strangers" but if you feel that you should do that, then I see nothing wrong with it. How interesting that some people have given out made-up names, my kids are 10 and 14 and I had never thought of that.

For the parents who responded that you'd teach your kid not to tell someone their name if you're not around, and that you'll tell your child about creepy old men, that's not stranger danger education and you're making a potentially dangerous mistake. ANYONE is a stranger and most "abductions" and "molestations" take place by someone who isn't quite a stranger. If you invite the dishwasher repair man into your home, a very young child doesn't see this person as a stranger. You might let your child tell someone their name if you're present, but at a time when you're not present and your 4 year old is playing in the yard and you run in to get the phone or something, and the same person who you had a conversation with at the park or ice cream shop comes up and calls, "Hey, Logan, come here!" you might THINK you taught your kids not to do it, but most do it anyway. There have been numerous t.v. shows that have shown how much kids misunderstand "stranger danger" and how quickly they can be convinced to go with someone who is a stranger.

Angela, good for you for being so aware of this issue. You can never be too careful, and while I'm all about manners and courtesy, those things should never come before the safety of your child

I do it to be polite. And as an icebreaker. Every mom loves to talk about her kids, me included. And honestly, I am probably more interested in the kid- I don't tend to get along with women too well. I don't really care what your kid's name is, and I will probably have forgotten it by the time they tell me about their bear or whatever. I will also have forgotten all about you and your kid by the time I turn the corner in the grocery store and my own kid starts doing something cute or funny. I certainly don't ask other personal questions. I am used to living in a polite community and want my kid to be polite. We consistently get compliments about how sweet and polite my son is. I am very proud of that.

But don't think for a minute that I won't be a total mama bear and protect my kid. I also grew up in a horribly dangerous city and you don't get over that. You just appreciate having something different when you get it. I will teach my son about stranger danger and passwords and creepy old men, absolutely. I won't let him play alone outside until, I don't know- twenty? I wouldn't let him answer additional personal questions either. You don't have to tell people your kids' names or anything else. But I think most people that come right out and ask you are harmless, it is the ones lurking around that you don't see that I worry about.

Jeez, relax people. What do you expect people to say when meeting your children, other than, "what is your name?" It's not like your giving the FULL name along with their social security number and blood type. Take it as a compliment that someone wants to know your child's name!
Lynsey

I'm always with my son, but I have also taught my son that if anyone tries anything, they are "fair game." This means that he can be polite and must be aware of not telling the person where he lives, phone number, and only give out his first name since he has a very common name. You could tell your child to tell the stranger she/he is not allowed to give out their name. It's still being polite. If the person tries to grab my son or touch him in any inapropriate manner, he is to fight back any way he wants....including punching and kicking where it hurts. (He was taught where people's weak parts are to strike.) Believe me, I've seen him in action and I don't have to worry unless the person has a weapon. Even so, he knows how to get away from a knife. Guns are different stories.

Do not continue giving them answers if they continue asking personal info - ignore them walk away if possible or just give them a question back such as Where do you live & tell me about your personal info...if they don't get the point tell them right out or just stare at them like they're crazy - because that is inappropriate on their part - busybodies or simply nosy - you could ask them if that is what they are.

i get asked that question a lot too. i think it's just human nature, i also get asked about her age. but believe me it's not dangerous, people are just being curious...=)

I think you are right on. Stranger Danger is a good way to put it. I have felt this before when certain people ask me. I will keep an ear open for this. I try and teach my kids about talking to strangers I need to be more aware myself. Thank You! :)

While some of them may be unsavory characters, I think we all understand that most people (myself included) just do it to be polite and show interest. I always hated being ignored as a child, so I try to say hello and something nice to a child when I am talking with their parent(s). That's all.

Hi Angela,
Like the others I grew up when you answered the phone with "Hi this is..." and you said hello or smiled/nodded at everyone that had eye contact. I know this isn't the way of the world today.

I sometimes get uncomfortable as well but usually it's just an icebreaker to start talking. I usually tell my daughter that mommy does the talking, she doesn't have to tell the stranger anything. We've also encountered the older woman or gentleman that wants to give my daughter a dollar or quater or something while shopping at like a Wal~Mart. I've always accepted it for her (after trying to refuse once) but then because we don't take money from strangers we go back inside and put it in a donation box. That way everyone wins.

After all that I would say go with your gut. If you feel you need to explain to the person tell them that you are teaching your children about stranger danger. Most will understand and if they don't, what do you care, they're strangers! :-)

Curiosity!!!! We all want to know what a persons name is. If someone is getting real personal I always find a way out of the situation and head for a busy spot (ie the registers where a lot of people are). Some people are nosier than others and some are DANGER. IF you are feeling threatened or uncomfortable get out of there and to where there are a lot of other people. If need be most stores have security in them so go to someone and ask for security. Most stores "hide" their security guards as plain cloths so they can catch shop lifters but you can always request them if need be. A.