Why Do We Need More Money? Long Rant

If he doesn't want a new job fine, but I would get him working around the house. Tell him that you don't have time/energy to cook or clean because you are supplimenting the household income and now these are his jobs when he gets home.

Is he doing what he wants to do? Is he happy with his job, or just content not to rock the boat? I understand how you feel. It's hard to make ends meet in this economy, money is dwindling and costs are rising, so what used to more than make due just isn't enough, now.

Appeal to his own dreams and ambitions. What would he like to do, have, see in his lifetime? Where does he want to be 3, 5, or 10 years from now? If you could make a plan where you both got what you wanted in the end, is that something he would be more motivated to do? If the money isn't important to him, and for many it isn't, than what is? Leaving something comfortable to go out into the unknown and uncomfortable without a defined end result would be scary for a lot of people. So instead of talking about it, philosophizing about it, get him excited to DO it.

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Is he doing what he wants to do? Is he happy with his job, or just content not to rock the boat? I understand how you feel. It's hard to make ends meet in this economy, money is dwindling and costs are rising, so what used to more than make due just isn't enough, now.

Appeal to his own dreams and ambitions. What would he like to do, have, see in his lifetime? Where does he want to be 3, 5, or 10 years from now? If you could make a plan where you both got what you wanted in the end, is that something he would be more motivated to do? If the money isn't important to him, and for many it isn't, than what is? Leaving something comfortable to go out into the unknown and uncomfortable without a defined end result would be scary for a lot of people. So instead of talking about it, philosophizing about it, get him excited to DO it.

Good Lord what kind of grown man makes <$20K a year with a family of 5 and is satisfied with himself? Really? I know that the cost of living varies throughout the country but by even low standards, that's living poor. The poverty level for a family of 5 is $26,170. He's satisfied with living below poverty level (on his income - I'm glad that you're able to fill the gap with e-bay but that's hardly steady employment)?

Does he really understand your income and expenses? If I were you, I would start by showing him the numbers and how big the gap is between his income and your household expenses and how much you have to make up on the side. Then I would propose that you get a decent paying job that would probably cover your current combined income (if you're able to make what you make with e-bay you clearly have some job skills) and he can stay home.

There are some years when business is really bad for my husband and he'll net $30K per year but we're not living off of that - our combined household income is usually around 6 figures and we don't make it on that. $20K for a grown man is just unfathomable to me - no joke I made that in college working weekends at a bar.

Hopefully if he sees the numbers it will be a wake up call. Otherwise, you clearly have different standards and long-term goals and I would seriously reconsider whether or not his long-term picture and yours match up at all.

You are relying on eBay for a "huge fraction" of your bills? That can't be good. It must be scary. Have you told your husband you are afraid? Afraid of the new expenses that come with owning a home? Your payment might be lower, but there are taxes, more utilities, repairs, upkeep, etc.
Tell him you do not want to depend on arbitrary eBay income to pay the bills--that eBay profit could be/should be for things like clothing, groceries, school fees & other "extras". Lots of men respond to their wives feeling scared. Do you have a written monthly budget? Is he aware of it and familiar with it?

I really don't have an answer but your ebay work is impressive. I had no idea you could make that much.

If your husband wanted to have a better job and you were talking with him about it you would be a supporter. If your husband doesn't want a better job and you talk to him about it you are a nag. Just a matter of your husband's motivation.

If he's making $20k a year, that's slightly less than $10 hr. That's a GED wage. And its not a living wage.

Sit down, write out what your financial goals are 3 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc from now. What are financial goals? How much you want him to earn so you can be a SAHM. What size home, what neighborhood? How much to have in the bank (Stock market) so you can retire. So he can retire and play video games(?!?!). So you can take a vacation and where? So you (both) can take the kids to Disney World or take a Disney Cruise.

If you have been married to him long enough, you already know what motivates him. Well, if you do, MOTIVATE HIM! And I don't say motivate him negatively. Motivate him postively.

Find out what his goals are. And work your goals into his goals or his goals into your goals.

Good luck to you and yours.

Hi,

YOU can't get him off his computer and looking for work. HE has to do that and the problem is that it sounds like he is fine with the way things are.

Have you guys had a conversation about what kind of lifestyle you want to have? Does he look at the budget? Does he look at long term planning with you? Does he want to go on vacations? Does he want you to go back to work full time and not have the time with your kids & the house that you have? These lifestyle questions are the conversations you should be having.

There are some people in life who are just fine to "make it by" and some who "aspire". You can't make someone "aspire" to be better. THEY have to be self-motivated and WANT to do something other than what they do now (and that goes for anything..... job search, having kids, addiction etc).

I would start involving him more in the budgeting process if he's not already and let him come to the conclusion on his own that you need more money.

Good luck.
B.

You are not a nag. He is not being a good partner here. You aren't asking to go buy designer bags, you just want to improve your basic life. he sounds detached and maybe a little depressed (re: the computer time). You need to express to him that this is NOT about money. You are UNHAPPY. You are not feeling secure or safe or appreciated. My husband has some of these characteristics too, but not to this extent. Other than laying on the pressure or dragging him to a counseler, I dont' have good advice. But you are NOT a nag.

You need to tell him the answer is that you are not happy and if mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy. Its really as simple as that. As a husband, man, head of the house, its his primary job to provide for the family, not just get by. See if you can get a babysitter and sit down with him without interruption and really be honest with him and lay down the law. You guys can't be that bad off if you can afford a house but you need to plan for the future, have an emergency fund available and plan for the kids futures as well. Tell him you need him to kick it up a couple notches and won't accept anything less. Good luck!

Can you make more money than him working full-time? If so, maybe he should stay home and you go back to work. Otherwise, maybe you still need to go back. It sounds like he should be more ambitious but same time, if he's happy with how much money you have and you're not, it's kind of up to you to make more money. I make a lot more than my husband so keep working. I'd like a really nice house someday so I figure it's up to me to get it or decide for myself that more time with my kids is more important. I don't look to him to be the sole driver of our income or lifestyle. I do think budgeting with him and laying out a plan may help you get him onboard that - yeah, less than $20k a year won't allow for any help with college tuition, any extras, any retirement savings etc. But end of day, if he doesn't care, then you can work and take control.

Here's the thing. He sounds like a type B personality. You can't change him, however you can go to work and help your family without working yourself to death from sun up to sun down. Please consider it for a short time anyway.

you both need marriage counseling and he needs to man up and provide for his family. Why do you need to be making more money? Because $20,000 is not what a family of 5 can live on- that's why! He is not single- he has a wife and 3 kids to support and he needs to start doing that NOW!!! Let him know that you do not feel secure with what he is making right now. I am sorry you are going through this. Good luck!
~C.

If he doesn't want another job you can't force him however, sounds like he could be a bigger help at home!!! I don't think you are wrong to want a bigger income. Sounds like you don't make much at all but somehow are disciplined to make it work. God Bless you for be organzied and a worker. :)

I would have that little pow wow with him sooner rather than later...I would be asking him that your current situation does not work for you and tell him you need help..Ask what is he willing to do to pitch in.

You cannot make him change, so forget about trying. I know firsthand about husbands who are content with their placement in life. My hubby is just like his content-with-nothing-lifestyle-dad, too. I am not. I want more for my family, so I work hard and go to school while he spends a lot of time goofing off. If he changes, great! But it most likely it won't be on your terms,so you do what you can to give your children the life you want them to have, regardless of his contribution. Tell him about all of the chores that have to be done, and ask him if he will relieve you of having to deal with everything (this makes him feel like a hero instead of making you feel like a nag). Make a chart, contract, or whatever showing his and your chores/responsibilities, so there is no confusion!

I dont have a good answer for you but I wanted to give you some sort of acknowledgement because dealing with and making income on ebay.. good for you! That takes a lot of patience!! Since he is using the computer in the evening into the wee houts of the morning would be consider taking over the ebay portion for you?? Just to help you out so you have more time for your kids? If he isnt motivated to get a better paying job I dont think he ever will get motivated esp if that what he learned growing up. Good luck mama, dont get too burned out!

He does sound like he’s depressed and should see a doctor. It’s not a weakness thing, it’s an actual chemical imbalance. Also, you need to find out his reasoning for NOT wanting more for his family and himself and why doesn’t HE want more? Doesn’t he want to do things with his family? (trips, vacations, camping etc)

And why do you need more money? Tell him “child enrichment”. In my opinion, it’s not enough to provide food, clothing and shelter to children. As parents, we’re responsible to enrich their lives – soccer, swimming, t-ball, dance, gymnastics, music lessons, trips, zoos etc. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, but it does require money. We have the responsibility to show our children the world – that there are other things outside of your neighborhood. Your kids are still young, but with your oldest, s/he should be expressing interest in dance, sports, swimming or something, and if you don’t have that extra income for that, the kids will lose out. I’m not advocating scheduling every day of your kids lives with every sport or activity, but tell your husband how important it is to enrich your children’s lives with activities. And that cost’s money.

Maybe he's depressed and that's why he is online a lot. I would talk to a doctor about this. Or at least look into getting some counseling to figure out what is going on and how you can both be on the same page with your money goals. Instead of being on chat rooms or surfing the web, just a thought here....he could be helping you with the side business of ebaying! Have you personally actually checked out these philosophy sites? I would want to know exactly what he's typing. There are computer programs to track that sort of thing if you really want those answers. Good luck with everything. In the meantime, find some mom friends who can maybe help you with your side business and pool your resources so to speak. And then you can help them, barter somehow with them in exchange for their help. That would prevent some of the burnout you are experiencing. Also, I think there is free financial planning help out there if you can inquire about that. If you sit down together with a planner, maybe they can offer some profesisonal help.