Why Does My Husband and Kids Don't Seem to See the Value in Helping with Chores

Help me out here, if he is gone 90% of the time how could he make excuses why the boys can't clean? Do you only try to clean when everyone is home, that doesn't make sense.

Stop ASKING. Start TELLING.
Buy bread and peanut butter and eat off paper plates. Tell them that if they want real food, they WILL wash dishes.
Put a hamper in the laundry room. Tell them that only laundry that is in the hamper will be washed, and that you will NOT pick up anyone's dirty laundry off the floor. If they have to wear dirty clothes, they will have no one to blame but themselves.
Tell them that everyone who uses a toilet or tub WILL learn to clean them.

They aren't doing it because they see that their father doesn't do it. No matter what, Mom keeps pitching in. Mom is stressed, Mom yells, Mom nags so they don't forget - so it's all Mom's job. And even the term "help with chores" makes it sound like they helping out the person whose responsibility it is. That has to stop.

Your 15 year old will expect to be considered mature and trustworthy enough to have a learner's permit and driver's license, but he doesn't care enough about the house to take care of any of it (so why trust him with the car?). He'll be heading out to college or a job/apartment at 18, where he will make everyone miserable because he's lazy and has a sense of entitlement. No one will remind him to go to class or do his homework, no one will do his laundry, no one will clean his room or take out the trash/recycling. He needs to be able to talk to teachers and professors without it all being "about him" but rather his entire college community. Same goes for being able to be a team player on the job if he's not college-bound. Everyone has to do stuff they'd rather not.

The 12 year old is learning from this and will do the same thing if you don't change the dynamic in the house.

If you don't get your work done, you could lose your job and there goes the family income which allows certain luxuries, right? So reevaluate and prioritize what MUST get done. It might look like this:

- your work, lesson plans, paper grading, emails to parents
- your professional wardrobe and laundry so you are presentable
- cleaning your own bathroom and bedroom (hoping you have a master bath)
- getting enough sleep and not being a big ball of stress
- basic food for healthy dinners, plus a loaf of bread and some sliced turkey for lunches, and a box of cereal for breakfast.
- basic household supplies like laundry detergent and toilet paper
- free time to exercise, take a walk, socialize with friends

Everything else is a luxury! Here's what I suggest as a starting point:

- Get 4 laundry baskets or bins. Each kid gets a basket in his room, for his clothes and bath towels (or get a divided sorter bin if you want them to sort by color or drying time). The other 2 bins go in the family room or hall, and that's where you pitch everything they drop or toss that is in "public" space like the floor, the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. Anything they can't find, they have to look on their own in the bins.
- with a Sharpie marker and some post-it notes, write the amount of detergent needed right on the bottle of liquid, and stick post-its on the washer/dryer showing the preferred settings. Do the same for the dishwasher.
- put a stash of toilet paper aside for yourself (because you know they will run out and not put it on the grocery list), and put aside some paper plates in case they do not do the dirty dishes and you run out. Do not share paper plates with them!!
- Make it clear that you are a) too busy with housework to do luxury shopping for them (no snacks, no Gatorade, and so on), and b) too worried about getting your work done to spend extra time in the store, run out for missing items, remind them about homework, or do anything except sign permission slips. Buy them each a reusable bottle for tap water, and have a bowl of apples/bananas on the kitchen counter for snacks and dessert.
- Kids make their own lunches and breakfasts. If they don't know how, they can learn. Fast.
- If you get arguments and eye-rolling (and you will), make it clear that the time spent being immature takes away from your time to take them to friends' houses, pay their cell phone bill or the cable bill, and so on.
- if their rooms are a mess, close the door. Really. Ignore it. When they run out of their favorite shirts or their soccer uniforms, they will have to cope. If they forget to do an assignment, they will not flunk out - they will learn to face the teacher and deal with the consequences.

You and your husband need to admit to the kids that you've made a mistake in doing too much, and that they are going to be unable to function. Because you love them, you want them to be successful. You know that they need skills around the house, they need to learn to take out trash by actually seeing the full can and not because someone told them, they need to learn to put more windshield washer fluid in the car and pump gas and maybe change a tire.

Do not cave in. Let them know that any kids screaming and yelling at adults are way too immature to a) have a cell phone, b) use a computer, c) be trusted alone at home or the mall or at friends' houses without supervision, d) to have parties or junk food or other privileges of people with good self-regulation and good decision-making abilities.

The sooner the kids want to participate, the more time you will have for the things they want and need. And your husband has to get on board OR you need to take a weekend away with friends or family so that he has no choice but to cope. Someone needs to appreciate you, and you have to demand it.

If your husband is gone 90% of the time, you are the one in control. I would explain the "rules" to your boys. "You don't help me, I don't help you. You want to go out with friends, yeah, sorry I can't drive or pick up. You want to have friends over, yeah, sorry I'm busy can't do it". You say "NO" enough, they will get the message.

I would then sit hubby down and say "I'm not arguing with you. I need your assistance. If you won't help, I will hire someone to come clean the house".

You can die on your sword but I wouldn't. I would hire someone to come in and clean. I would also do less. You have taught them how to treat you.

Teach the boys how to do laundry, teach the boys how to clean a toilet. You aren't doing their future wives any favors by creating little jerks.

I would say "do something nice for me, I will do something nice for you. However, the days of me killing myself are OVER".

why?
well, i guess your husband was raised by parents who didn't see any value in having their kids contribute to the well-being of the household.
then he married someone who let it go for almost 2 decades now.
i'm sorry you're only just now reaching the end of your rope. had you laid down your boundaries when you were newly married or at least when you had small babies, this wouldn't have snowballed into a huge issue.
it's going to be hard to unring that bell at this point.
i guess some family counseling could possibly help, at least give you all some tools to hear and communicate with each other better.
there's still a little bit of time to instill better values into your sons (and help your relationship with future daughters-in-law) but without your husband's support, you're fighting a sisyphean battle.
i guess you get to pick your poison- try with professional help to get to a place with your family where you communicate and cooperate better with each other, or live in a sty, or mark out your own territory which you keep neat and clean and let them wallow in the rest, and figure out how to not let it bug you.
you're got an uphill battle no matter which course you choose. best of luck to you.
khairete
S.

Because you've taught them to not value it (you).

I went back also and read your prior posts. You wrote about this same dynamic 8 years ago, and it seems nothing has changed.

You need to decide that you play an important role in the family. You need to outline what are your duties and responsibilities are and only do those. I think Diane B. outlined those well. And then, and this is most important, you need to value you. Stop looking to them for validation. They aren't going to. There is no benefit for them to do so.

I think you owe it to yourself to build your self esteem up so that you can be confident about setting firm emotional boundaries with them, and stop questioning everything you do. Please seek out a therapist to uncover why this has been a dynamic you have lived with so long that it is ruining your self esteem and compromising your career.

They don't see the importance of it because you have been bailing them out for the past many years and they have been trained not to care.

I think you have some very good advice below. My son is 9 and folds/puts away his own clothes. Part of earning his allowance. No work, no pay. That simple. We build other non-pay chores into his daily life; no media/video games until X,Y, Z are done. Does he *have* to do it? No. It's a choice. More than once he's gotten snippy with me and I've told him to make his own breakfast/lunch. Don't like what's for dinner? Make a sandwich or help make the dinner and then you have more input.

Your husband's lack of modeling is also a huge contributor to the problem. Early on, my husband and I had different tasks-- the parent who does bedtime focuses on the kid's needs, the other parent cleans up dinner. We both value the other and realize it's a team effort. Counseling is likely necessary to get your family back on track. Sometimes, hearing it from a neutral third party that they need to help has more power than hearing 'naggy mom' get upset again and again.

You aren't doing them any favors by not holding them accountable. Their marriages will be just as miserable as yours. Do you want that for your future daughter-in-laws? I sure hope not.

Start with clothes. Your older son should be washing his own and putting them away. Tell him that if he doesn't put the clean clothes away, he will not have them. And then DO IT. Box them up and put them where he can't find them. When he has two pairs of pants, 3 shirts and a couple of socks, he will start taking care of his things. I did this with one of my sons because he wouldn't put his clothes away. The clean ones ended up in the floor with his dirty ones. It worked. He straightened up after that.

As long as he doesn't have dead food in his bedroom, shut his door and ignore it. The fewer clothes he has, the less mess he will have. Don't pick up his dirty clothes. HE is responsible for them now. If he has no clean clothes to wear to school? He can stink and his friends can tell him so. He'll finally start washing his clothes.

Take his electronics once a week and don't give them back until he cleans his bathroom. Stand there and instruct him on how to do it until it's done.

Use paper plates instead of washing dishes. Cook on the weekends and require the boys to eat leftovers until they start helping out in the kitchen. When they grouse about the food, tell them that when they start helping with the cleanup, you will cook their favorites again.

Your 12 year old will learn by his older brother's example. As you go through this process with your older son, teach your younger son. Don't expect either one of them to just "do" what you're saying. You stand over them until it's done. And you withhold their favorite activity (probably electronics) until they get their 20 minutes of work done.

Ignore your husband. He is not a team player because he is gone 90% of the time. He doesn't get a say in what your requirements are for your children. You cut corners in your cleaning whether he likes it or not.

Do it before your boys end up in a terrible marriage because they think their wives are supposed to be their maids.

You are a mom/wife - you're not a maid/servant - so stop acting like one.
Take a vacation to a spa for a week and let them fend for themselves.
Nobody appreciates what you do until you don't do it - so stop doing it and let the sh*t hit the fan.
They are old enough for all of them to be doing their own laundry.
If they don't do it - then they have nothing clean to wear or no clean towels- and you're not going to fix it for them.
They can clean their own bathroom(s) and their reward is they get to use a clean bathroom.
For dishes - use paper plates and throw them away.
For dinner - put out a loaf of bread, some peanut butter and jelly and tell them to have at it.
If you really can't stand the way they want to live anymore and they still don't care if they live in a pig sty - consider separating and getting your own place where you don't have to live with their dirt and be their indentured servant 24/7.

Bypass the dad, pull the boys aside & tell them what's up! Dads way is out of date! People pull their own weight. Period, end of story! It's your job to teach them to care for themselves which means all the basic stuff, pick up your trash, wash your dishes, do your laundry, fold your laundry (yes, you have to teach them to fold like you do to tie their shoes!) put away laundry nicely, so you know where it all is, etc, etc. They are old enough now that they should be able to make themselves a few meals in the kitchen even & clean up after themselves. Heck, my 8 year old can make scrambled eggs, I still do gas burner & supervise, but still.
My husband is this way. He was raised to do nothing but the trash. Mowing the grass too but he got out of it b/c he has allergies. What was his mother thinking? I don't get it either, his younger brother is an utter clean freak while mines oblivious. He tried telling me boys don't do chores and I laughed & told him my kids wont be leaving all their stuff around like he does, thanks very much! He has my sons to do the trash now so he really does like nothing but speciality stuff I ask of him here & there & that has to be easy and small. It's ridiculous. I tell my kids what's up & they tidy up after themselves and when they don't they are told to, by me! Right now our list of what they chores they can help with are: 10 minute tidy whenever I say so! Beyond that: 13 & 11 year old boys are responsible for trash, kitchen to the curb kind. Their downstairs area tidy, including bathroom. Their room. Put away folded clean clothes. 8 almost 9 year old, help run laundry with me, she can start & transfer. Her room. Tidy counters on her bathroom upstairs & keep rugs and floor straight. Her computer area & downstairs w/bros. They can all run laundry & I rotate helpers when I need them or want them. When I say tidy I mean make look clean, everything in its place, I still do vacuum and spray clean cleaning but it's a start. I still remember the day when my oldest exclaimed proudly to me that he figured out all the sheets and made his own bed nice and easy! Eventually they will be taught how to do dishes and everything in between. I remember dusting with pledge was actually fun when I was younger so it doesn't have to be a big deal. It's valuable stuff, don't leave it out! You gotta teach them!

I have a good friend who complained of this. I suggested she just stop doing it. She felt she couldn't - her house would fall apart, she'd be a bad mom, she'd feel terribly guilty ...

Her solution - she got a house cleaner. She started doing her own stuff so she was less available. I'm not sure if it taught her family to value her more. But she was more sane.

If it were me, I'd approach it as good values for your kids, teach them good skills to have (laundry, making simple meals, helping out, etc.). Tie rewards to helping out. No fun until work is done.

Added: Are you a people pleaser? Sometimes the way to make lasting change is to change yourself (counseling can help us change our patterns)

Write down a list of everything you do for all of them. Sit them down, show them the list, and ask them what they are going to do to contribute to the running of the household. I'd also make them responsible for their own things. These skills are more important than most of what they are learning at school. It's essential that your boys know how to clean and cook before they leave the house. It's time to start teaching them these essential life-long skills!

My heart breaks for you. I think I totally understand. I worked as a substitute teacher many years and a teaching assistant for the last eight. I am not doing what you do which is a lot of planning along with being a mom. I would come home exhausted. I was accused of being emotional because I simply wanted some order. The children are older now and recently moved out. But I remember the frustration. And I think that I look back and wish I would have done a few things and hope this helps. We can talk til we are blue in the face. Or we can change how we feel about it. They really don't care if it is immaculate or tidy. They probably don't notice the things that need to be done. So, after having eventually my own health problems which I sincerely think could have evolved from my concern and worry about so many things, I realize I should have really minimized the importance of some things. So,don't cook anymore. If you are worried about them eating...pick up some precooked things. Don't wash clothes. They will notice that after other kids make fun of them. The toilet bothered me, so,if it bothers you-then heck it is for ourselves if we clean it. You can state your moratorium on all of this or let them figure it out. I have a hunch your husband does the financial weigh out or husbandly thing and decides that it isn't his job to do a lot of these things, because heck HE works in his mind. A lot of people married to teachers look at summers off, holiday breaks, field trips and whatever else as FUN. They do not know that counting children in a museum or going to conferences and seminars isn't that fun and the breaks-when you have your own children are allieviating all the guilt you have over working the rest of the year by doing things with the kids. It might sound callous, but it is definitely time to take care of you. And that means that you need to give yourself permission to ease up on some things. And relax. As I said, my children moved out and now sadly I wish for a bunch of their dirty socks all over and pots of sloppy joes sitting unwashed on the counters.

They don't respect you, and worse your husband has taught your children that they do not need to respect you. People treat us the way we allow them to so it is time for you to insist on better. First off if the boys don't pull their weight they don't get any privileges, whether that is phone/computer time, or time with friends, ect. They have to earn privileges like electronics and free time, point blank. And your husband needs a serious wake up call, in fact I would strongly recommend marriage counseling.

I would quit cooking for them or doing their laundry. When they don't have any clean clothes to wear or are looking for dinner, they'll get the idea. Tell them you'll trade with them, they do a chore for you and you do a load of their laundry. In life, everything is a trade-off and they are old enough to learn that if you put nothing out, you get nothing back. Also, tell them that they aren't paying for maid service. If they get an allowance, cut it off and keep it for yourself to compensate you for being their maid. Food and money always make an impact!

My kids get an allowance. If they don't so their chores I keep their allowance and I takeI take their game controllers.

I guess I would remind your husband and the kids that you work, out of the home, and in the home, because you bring work home, on top of all the work they leave for you to do in the home. You're overwhelmed, busy, and simply have no time and this is stressing you out. There is no reason why they cannot spend an hour to clean their room and put their dirty clothes away. I would tell them that they will no longer be taken to the mall, games, or any other fun activities until they start lifting a finger. Remind them that you're all on a team to keep things flowing smoothly and they need to pull their own weight, which means EVERYONE, including dad, needs to do something around the house.

I love how people complain women nag, but honestly, if they did their part in helping out, guess what? The annoying nails-on-the-chalkboard nagging would stop and would no longer exist because things would get done without mom having to repeat herself every hour. What a concept, right? Dad can do dishes among other things, kids can clean their rooms and their bathroom. Have them do their laundry too, or make a schedule so that once a week, one person in the household other than you (yup, that includes you too, dad) does laundry, so that doesn't fall on you too, and by laundry, I mean from start (washing) to completion (folding and putting things away).

I see a lot of people give allowances to their kids, but I don't think I would do it because then kids will expect to always be rewarded for cleaning and when they're living on their own, they won't clean because they have no motivators. Their roommates or spouses will become resentful if they feel they must always give them something in exchange for doing housework, which is a must. Besides, the way they have been behaving and getting dad to excuse them from chores is even less of a reason to want to reward them. Maybe I am too tough, but I think helping around the house is a family's duty. If anything, reward them with an extra 30 minutes of TV or video game time, maybe take them out for ice cream at the end of the week if they did their chores without resistance, but I would not give them money. Speaking of money, if they ask you for money for bake sale, going to the movies, etc. (assuming they bypassed you for a ride to the mall by asking a friend to drive them), say absolutely NOT!

My dad shamed me into cleaning one day when I left my dirty socks in the bathroom after showering, and he kicked them out to the foyer, knowing a friend was coming to visit. It worked. I was so embarrassed that my friend found my dirty clothes in the middle of the house, that I no longer did it again. He said next time he would kick my dirty underwear out in the middle of the home, for the exterminator to see, that was enough to straighten me out and never leave my dirty clothes lying around again.

Have a family meeting and TELL them that you are a busy person with work and everything in life and FROM NOW ON everyone is to help out around the house daily. Make a large chart of daily and weekly chores and parcel them out to each person. Tell them that this is not optional and from now on everyone is to do their part with no complaints. They are not to go on to the next thing, (go to a friend's house, get on the computer, go to their sport or activity, etc) until their chores are done on Saturday and Sunday. Remind them that it won't take them long. If each person does 5 or so things a day it spreads out the work and makes it relatively easy for everyone. PS - I struggle with this with my husband too. It's like he doesn't see or care about house stuff while I do care about it and it does bother me when things just sit there and don't get done. Because you work too it's really important that you are not stuck doing everything...tell them this is not an option...this is the new family rule. I wish you luck! PS - I think even if you start small with your boys and give them just 3 things to do a day it will make your life much easier. Every night one of them clears the table and loads the dishwasher and the other one washes the pots and pans. They do their own laundry and put it away one day a week. They take turns cleaning their bathroom once a week. Tell them they will be living on their own before they know it and these are important skills to learn. Teach them both how to cook one dinner (or more if they want) and give them one night a week that is their night to cook for everyone. These are good skills to have because they will be off to college and beyond in the blink of an eye. Also tell them that they need to get used to helping around the house because any woman they marry and fall in love with expect them to help out 50%. Tell them the cleaning is not the woman's job. Tell them their girlfriend will think they are amazing if they clean the bathrooms! Tell them things like this over and over. Start training those boys!!

Your kids don't do it because their father isn't on board. If dad sends the message that they don't have to do it, they won't do it.

You need to hire a housekeeper. I think twice a month is valid in your case. Even if it's a bit of a stretch financially -- do it, you deserve it.

Throw your kids dirty clothes and other belongings in their rooms. Don't clean their rooms or do their laundry. They can wear dirty clothes if they want.

Unfortunately, since dad isn't backing you up, you probably won't get much help from your kids with the day to day stuff like dishes. If you make something for yourself, make some extra for the kids. Have food items that they can heat up for themselves if they need to. They won't starve if you don't cook for them everyday.

Get Clorox wipes for quick cleanups in the bathroom. You can do a decent job in 5 minutes with some Clorox wipes and paper towels. The housekeeper can do deeper cleanings.

Sorry you're going through this -- it's a lot to teach and take care of a home and family.

Since you both have an income do you think you can set aside $80-120 a month for a cleaning lady?

I never bother to battle with anyone about cleaning the house, toilet etc. It is not worth it. Just hire someone twice a month to get the regular cleaning done. It keeps my household sane. Look at it as a practical and smart approach.

It also frees up time for activities you can do together as a family. Reconnect with your boys and cherish the last few years you have left.

For general chores like laundry, emptying the dishwasher etc. I would create some rules. For example:
- Tuesday and Friday after school is laundry time
(take their electronics or turn off the Wi-Fi while chores to let them understand you mean business)
- each gets a hamper and collects their dirty clothes in their room
- dishes have to be done right after each meal

About cooking:
How about getting together on a Saturday to do some Christmas baking? Let them help. Turn on music and give them a chance to be creative. They maybe find a new hobby and enjoy preparing eventually snacks and meals.

You will work it out. Keep your cool and stay firm.
I guess you are also their chauffeur. Don't drive them until they do what you expect from them.

About your husband and his lack of support...
After reading your old post from 2008 and your struggles with your husband it seems you likely have in general a hard time to organize your family dynamic.
Your stress is not only steaming from your family is not helping you but also from years of frustration managing your husband's personality.